Appreciation
by ksfd89
Summary: Post-revival fic of Rory's life. Literati, of course!
1. Chapter 1

**Post-revival fic of Rory's life. Literati, of course!**

There's a knock at the door and Rory, wiping a cloth across the counter, drops it and hurries over, slipping slightly on the tangle of papers on the floor. Opening the door she steps back in surprise.

"Hey."

"Jess," Rory says, staring unabashedly. "What are you doing here?"

"Came to see you," Jess says simply. "Can I come in? If that's okay."

"Sure, come in," Rory tells him, stepping aside. "The place is kind of a mess, but…"

"I think the preferred term is organised chaos," Jess grins. Rory tries to return his smile but she feels more anxious than amused and, to quell it, she says,

"How about some coffee?"

"Sounds great."

"Sit, sit," Rory says haphazardly but instead Jess follows her into the tiny kitchen, passing her the coffee bag as she fills the pot. He strolls back into the living room, looking around as the coffee brews. When Rory pours he remarks,

"So Queens, huh?"

"I wanted a change from Brooklyn."

Jess nods as Rory joins him, handing him a cup. She sips her own and adds,

"I keep saying I'll use my free time to clean the place up but I never seem to get around to it. It's dumb, I know."

Jess smiles and Rory goes on,

"It's not a bad place, kind of small but it's mine and I can actually touch the walls –"

"What?"

"Never mind," Rory says, knowing she's babbling. "It's not a big deal. Anyway, I like Queen's. They do some awesome coffee."

"Rory," Jess says seriously. He puts his cup down and Rory draws a deep, uncomfortable breath.

"I'm pregnant."

"I know," Jess says gently and Rory nods.

"Luke told you?"

"Yeah. He was kind of rambling about stuff and that came out and he said I should pretend I didn't know, but I said you wouldn't be mad."

"It's not a secret."

Jess nods and Rory looks away. She stares at her cup until the china blurs and hears Jess ask,

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

"Rory."

Rory forces her eyes up to see Jess's are filled with concern. Rory opens her mouth to assure him but instead she says,

"I'm dealing."

"That doesn't sound very okay."

"Fine, it's not okay," Rory says, her voice starting to waver. "I'm not okay. It's a mess."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really."

Jess nods and Rory lets out a bitter laugh.

"My mom is barely speaking to me, I moved somewhere I don't know and I'm going to have a kid. I'm going to be a mom and I don't – I'm – forget it," she finishes and Jess says,

"Don't tell me to forget it."

"You don't have to check up on me," Rory snaps and Jess retorts,

"I wanted to check up on you. No one else is."

"Well, I'm a big girl," Rory retorts but the words curl in her mouth. She's thirty-two years old but she feels like a _girl_ , a stupid teenager who got herself knocked up and threw everything away. She blinks back the hot tears in her eyes, and Jess says more kindly,

"Rory, I just wanted you to know you can talk to me. I figured you might want someone to talk to."

"What's the point?" Rory blurts out and Jess frowns in confusion. "I mean, what is there to say? I'm pregnant and the father doesn't know. I messed up and I'm going to be mother."

Rory sucks in some air and Jess asks quietly,

"It's his, isn't it?"

"Did Luke tell you that too?"

"I figured it out. I heard Lorelai ask you if you were seeing Logan again. Didn't sound like anything was happening with that Pete guy."

"Paul," Rory laughs. "God, no."

Jess smiles but Rory can't return it. She has a horrible feeling she's going to start crying and picks up her cup, desperately gulping the coffee. Since this has happened her hormones have felt as out of control as an adolescent's.

"What's going on?" Jess asks gently. "Just tell me, Rory."

Rory puts the cup down and looks up. Jess doesn't sound mad or angry or like anyone else and Rory lets out a tense breath.

"It was just before Mom and Luke got married. I broke up with Logan. We weren't really together but we had an arrangement –"

"I get it."

"Right. So we broke up and then I was late. And I was in Hartford and I got a pregnancy test and it was positive, but sometimes they're false, so I went to the doctor and it was true. I knew it. I knew it anyway but it was so real then. And then – Mom got married and she asked what I was thinking and I told her. I wasn't going to but when she asked what was going on it just came out. And she was so mad."

Jess waits but Rory simply sighs.

"I was moving here anyway. It made sense to go."

"Have you tried talking to her?" Jess asks and Rory roughly shakes her head.

"No."

"Are you going to try?"

"There's no point," Rory says angrily. "She doesn't want to talk to me anyway."

"You're being stubborn."

"So's she, and she doesn't want to talk."

Jess sighs and Rory slams her cup down, slopping the liquid.

"I didn't ask her for anything. I just told her and she - Jess, she flipped out. She doesn't want to know."

"She was upset."

"Well, I'm not turning cartwheels! Not that I can do anything resembling one, even if I wasn't pregnant. Look, she doesn't want to talk to me, end of story."

"I think you should talk to her."

"And that's going to fix this?!

"Rory -"

"Nothing is going to fix this!" Rory shouts. "I appreciate you coming by, Jess, and you can tell Mom and Luke I'm okay but that's it!"

"Hey, I did not come by for them!" Jess shouts back, making Rory jump. "They don't know I'm here. I came by because I wanted to see you and I thought you would have got that."

"Why do you want to see me?" Rory asks. Her voice is thin and she hugs her arms across her stomach. There is no sign there but Rory holds herself closely as Jess bends to look at her.

"Rory, come on."

"I'm sorry," she says, staring at the wool of her sweater. It's a deep green and the thread is trailing at the wrist. Jess reaches to touch her hand but Rory steps back.

"Thanks for coming," she says, forcing herself to sound even. "I do appreciate it, Jess."

"Rory, don't - it wasn't an obligation thing."

"I know."

"I just wanted to -" Jess stops, running a hand through his hair. "I wanted to see how you were."

"Well, you saw me," Rory says. Feeling her frustration return, she folds her arms tighter and settles her gaze. Standing in silence for a moment, Jess breaks it by picking up his jacket and shrugging it on.

"I guess you want to be alone," he says. Rory doesn't reply but he nods and walks over to the door. Just as he reaches the handle Jess stops, looks back and says,

"You're not on your own."

He lets himself out. Rory stares at the door long after he leaves. Finally, giving herself a shake, she picks up the abandoned cups and carries them through to the kitchen. Dumping them in the sink Rory grabs a rag to wipe the spilled coffee. As she walks back her foot catches on her laptop cord and her knee jerks against the table.

"Dammit!" Rory shouts as her leg throbs. "Dammit, dammit, dammit!"

The pain is shortlived but Rory sinks down on the sofa, rubbing her leg and biting her lip. For a while she sits and the only sound is the faded hum of the street outside.

"Damn," Rory whispers to herself. "I don't know what to do."

It feels too pathetic. Rory gets up and goes to the window. Jess is long gone but she stares out anyway, at the busy streets, until a heaviness in her heart forces her away. She may not be alone but it feels terribly similar. Rory turns, goes back to the sofa and switches on the television, letting the brightness of the screen wash out her mind.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks for the kind feedback!**

Two weeks go quietly by. Rory doesn't feel terribly different, aside from rushes of nausea, and all her clothes still fit. None of it seems very real. After work, she goes to her apartment and watches old movies on the television. Occasionally Lane calls, or Paris, but mostly Rory is alone. She thinks she likes it.

On Saturday Rory decides to go out. As much as she enjoys her space she's starting to get a feeling of cabin fever so picks up her coat, purse and steps on the subway. Downtown, she gets a coffee and goes to an art gallery. Rory has walked through the Victorians and Renaissance and is just staring at Impressionism when something catches her eye. She turns to see a flash of black hair and hesitates before walking over.

"Hi there."

Jess turns around and smiles, a coffee cup in his own hands.

"Hey, he says, sounding shy as well. "What's going on?"

"Soaking up some culture, or whatever it is they call it," Rory says. "What are you doing here?"

"Same thing as you."

They smile at each other and then Jess points at the painting they're standing in front of.

"Now that's dedication to the cause."

Rory laughs and walks closer to it, studying the figures on the grass.

"It's like the bid on the basket festival of Taylor's dreams. Do you think Monet is turning in his grave?"

"Just shifting a little."

Rory smiles and Jess turns to her.

"Do you want to get coffee or something?"

"Always."

Grinning, Jess crumples the empty cup in his hand and leads Rory out of the gallery. A few streets down they stop at a small coffee shop and order a large coffee each. It's only when they're at a table, the hum of outside closed off, that Rory starts feeling awkward. She clasps and unclasps her hands and is grateful when the coffee is brought over. Lifting it to her lips, she takes a burning sip as Jess asks,

"How are you?"

"I'm okay," Rory says automatically. "I'm better than the other day."

"Right."

"I'm sorry," Rory says, nervous to look up. "I was a jerk."

"No you weren't."

"I'm not mad at you."

"I know," Jess says. Rory dares to look and he sits back, arms folded.

"I'm just stressed," Rory adds and then laughs. "To put it mildly."

Frowning, Jess leans forward but before he can ask Rory puts up her hand.

"I don't want to talk about it right now."

Rory changes the subject to ask how Jess has been and he talks to her about the Truncheon, spending more time in New York to look at expansion. When he asks about what she's doing, Rory briefly tells him she has a job in an office.

"It's not very exciting," she says. "But it's fine for now."

"I've worked some crappy jobs," Jess says. "That includes helping out at the diner."

"Oh, come on Jess! It wasn't that bad."

"No? You never had a horde of customers all wanting ham when there's none left and not taking no for an answer. Not to mention Miss Patty's remarks, and Taylor - man, I'd get a migraine just being near that guy."

"I feel you on that."

"Luke yelled at him to stop his head exploding."

"I thought the hat kept his head from that."

Jess laughs and Rory feels a pang of sadness, thinking of her stepfather. Hesitating, she says,

"Can I ask you something? When did Luke tell you?"

"He didn't tell me, exactly," Jess says uncomfortably. "It was when you left, the day after the wedding."

"Oh. Was he mad?"

"Not with you."

Rory nods, ducking her eyes, and Jess says,

"I figured something was going on. You were distracted."

"And I said no to scotch," Rory jokes but she's sad. She remembers the wedding, wearing the beautiful dark blue dress she and Lorelai had picked out weeks before. There was too much going on for Rory to talk to to her mother, not that she had an idea of what to say, and then Jess was at her side, loosening the tie on his tux. "Hey,"Rory had said, smiling. "You look different." Jess grinned back and asked if she meant _weird_ , and Rory laughed, shaking her head and then Jess was taking her hand. "Let's dance," he said, looking in her eyes. "It'll be fun, I promise. Let me make up for prom."

She smiled when he said that and took his hand. They stepped out onto the town square, in the haze of fairylights, and as Rory moved in time she thought of herself, her and Jess, their young selves. It all seemed so far away and Rory couldn't remember agreeing to the journey. The song finished and as they stepped apart Jess frowned and said, "You're quiet."

"I am?"

"Was I that bad a dancer?"

"No," Rory laughed, shaking her head. "It's nothing - it's not you, Jess."

He looked concerned and moved closer to her.

"What is it?"

Rory looked away and as Jess reached to touch her wrist she stepped back, skirt flaring out.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I have to go."

"Rory -"

"Have a safe trip home!" she called and as Rory ran the words echoed in her mind. _Pregnant, I'm pregnant_. She'd imagined telling Jess, the look in his eyes, but she wanted to enjoy the dance. It was too tangled with memory.

Jess lifts his cup, making a face as he tastes it. "Wow, that's bitter," he says and adds, "Aren't you going to remind me how weak I am with coffee?"

"Huh?" Rory says, blinking. "Oh, right."

Jess doesn't reply but he puts his cup down, his face concerned, and Rory says,

"I'm sorry for leaving the wedding like that. I meant to say goodbye."

"It's okay."

"Well, I'm still sorry."

"I know. It's okay."

Rory takes a sip of coffee so as not to reply and wrinkles her nose.

"Too bitter?" Jess asks and Rory laughs.

"Please. It's not hot enough."

"Right."

"How is Luke?" Rory asks tentatively. "Is he okay?"

"He's fine," Jess says gently Rory slowly asks,

"And is - are people good?"

"Your mom's fine too," Jess says. "She misses you."

"Did she say that?"

"She doesn't have to say it. She and Luke miss you."

"What have they been saying?" Rory asks, after a pause and Jess sighs.

"Rory, don't - I'm not being put in the middle."

"I'm not asking that. I just want to know what they said."

"They haven't talked about it much," Jess says, tilting the cup in his hand. "They're sad."

"How do you know?"

"Because it's obvious."

Rory bites her lip. "I don't want them to be sad."

"Rory, call your mom," Jess says, leaning across the table. "It's dumb to pretend you're still mad."

"Who says I'm pretending?"

"Okay, but you miss each other more. I know you do."

Rory is quiet but finally gives a small nod.

"Maybe I'll call."

"You should." Jess sits back in his chair and drinks the last of his coffee. "You're right. Not good enough."

"It's nowhere near as good as -" Rory catches herself. "It's not the greatest coffee I've ever had."

"No way," Jess agrees solemnly, and gets up, lifting his hand. "Walk you back?"

They ride in silence on the subway, Rory looking out the roaring black. When someone gets off the stop before hers Jess starts to ask if she wants to sit and Rory fights a rush of frustration, breaking her wondering from before.

"I'm fine," she says shortly and Jess doesn't fight her on it. They're almost home.

It's still early but Rory is exhausted. Battling a yawn, she asks Jess if he wants to come in for decent coffee but he shakes his head.

"I've got to get back to the city. Thanks for the offer."

"It was fun," Rory says, leaning against the railing. "I had fun."

"Me too. Are you doing anything else?"

"No. I'll probably just watch TV or something exciting like that."

"You look tired."

"Thanks," Rory says, trying to laugh off her feelings. "That's code for me looking terrible."

"No, I just mean you look tired."

"I am," Rory admits. She looks down at the grimy sidewalk for a moment before saying goodbye.

"See you," Jess says. "And you should call your mom."

"Maybe," Rory says again. Jess waves, walks away and Rory mounts the stairs to her apartment. When she gets inside she thinks of making coffee, dinner or impossibly picking up the phone but is so tired she pulls off her shoes and falls on the bed. It seems only minutes before Rory has closed her eyes and fallen into a pit of dreams.


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks for the feedback!**

The next morning Rory wakes up groggy-eyed. Her mouth is sticky and her eyes gluey with sleep, and she feels stiff as she sits up. She's fully-dressed and Rory remembers coming home from the museum, lying down on the bed for a nap. She hadn't woken since then and her stomach growls in complaint. She also has a terrible need to pee.

Rory takes care of that first and, after washing her hands and brushing her teeth, stares at herself in the mirror. Her eyes are haggard and, splashing water over them, Rory goes to the kitchen to make breakfast. After slopping some jelly on a stale bagel, Rory fights a wave of homesickness. Remembering what Jess said, she swallows a lump along with the food, turning over his advice to call her mother. It's not as easy as that. They'd had a terrible fight. Lorelai's expression is soldered in Rory's mind, after telling her out on the gazebo. The early morning sun rose around them and her mother blinked, her mouth hanging open. _What?_ Rory repeated that she was pregnant and Lorelai asked, "How?" and then laughed at herself. "Dumb question. But I thought you were being careful."

She was being careful, Rory told her, twisting her hands in her lap. It didn't work and she didn't know it hadn't worked until it was too late. Lorelai let out a sound which was somewhere between a sigh and a groan and rubbed a hand over her eyes.

"I'm sorry," Rory said in a small voice and her mother looked at her.

"I can't believe this," she said. "I just can't – are you sure?"

Rory nodded. The doctor had confirmed it and she was six weeks along. Lorelai let out a long breath and for a moment they sat in silence.

"Okay," she said eventually. "We need to talk about this, but I can't talk about this, not right now. In two hours we're setting up the square. I'm supposed to meet Sookie in one hour for breakfast and then I need to get ready, and get married – again – and be really happy, because it's my wedding day, and if I think about this, really think about this, I won't be happy, and I don't want to be sad today."

"Mom –"

"And you have to get ready too," Lorelai said, shaking her head. "You're my maid of honour and I know you have a ton of things to do."

"But –"

"Rory, I can't process this," Lorelai interrupted, staring at her. "I'm still wondering if this is some kind of dream brought on by drinking champagne at seven in the morning. I'm hoping it is."

Rory bit her lip and her mother looked at her. Her eyes filled up and hastily Rory got to her feet.

"Mom, we have too much to do," she said loudly. "You're right, let's just – it's your wedding day. Go get ready. I have a list of things a mile long to do and Taylor won't shut up if I don't help with the decorating committee."

"There's a committee?" Lorelai asked, managing to laugh and Rory nodded.

"Of course."

So they went and got ready. Rory spent the morning setting up the square, tying ribbons around the trees and one around Petal's neck. She ate breakfast with Luke and Jess and wondered if they knew something was wrong, but doubted it. Luke was so frantic he made Jess do his pocket square. And then Rory was sliding on her deep, blue dress and thought about how it was lucky her mother was getting married now, because in a few months she wouldn't fit into it. If she kept it. And then she was laughing and crying at the same time but Lane was knocking on the door and Rory had to pretend she was just emotional about the day. They walked up the aisle to the chuppah, in the middle of the square, with Martha as flower girl, and Paul Anka as ring bearer. Jess was best man and he smiled at Rory across the aisle. Her grandmother seemed serene as she took her daughter's arm and, as they parted, Rory heard her mother whisper, "I wish Dad was here. But this is pretty wonderful too."

Lorelai was radiant as she and Luke exchanged vows and rings and everyone cheered as they kissed. They laughed out loud when Rory caught the bouquet, but Lorelai met her eyes and they were solemn. It felt to Rory like some kind of cosmic joke.

After the dinner, party and dance with Jess Rory went back to the house. She planned just to take a break, drink some coffee, but as she walked around the kitchen a terrible claustrophobia came over her. She couldn't stay. Her mother had questions Rory had no answer to. She felt like a caught out sixteen-year-old and couldn't clear her head. Besides, Lorelai was going away for a week tomorrow, on Cape Cod. She'd reluctantly agreed to visit Emily and Rory knew she feared being talked into spending her whole honeymoon there. It would be better for everyone if Rory left now. Her mother should start her marriage on a happier note. She took off her bridesmaid dress, biting back tears as she put it away.

Rory was halfway through packing her bags when the door opened. Lorelai came in, laughter still staining her cheeks, and stopped short. "Rory?" she asked with a frown. "What are you doing?"

"I'm going early," Rory told her. "My apartment's ready to move into and you're going in a couple of days anyway. It's better this way."

"Hold up," Lorelai said, walking over. "Don't I get a say in this? What, were you just going to leave?"

"I was going to say goodbye."

"Oh, well, great," Lorelai said with a laugh. "Thanks."

"I wasn't trying to –"

"What are you going to do?" Lorelai interrupted. "What's the game plan here?"

Rory swallowed. "I don't know."

"You need to know, Rory! Are you going to carry on with this? Are you going to tell Logan – I assume it's his –"

"Of course it's his!"

"Are you going to tell him? Are you going to have this baby?"

"Mom, I don't know!" Rory shouted. "This is why I'm going – I need to figure it out!"

"Rory, you aren't going to figure things out by running off to New York!"

"I'm not running off! I'm thirty-two years old and I don't need help!"

"Oh Rory, you are going to need help," Lorelai said quietly. "No matter what you decide here, you need some help."

"You think I can't do this on my own?" Rory said, voice shaking. "You did it on your own!"

"I still had help, and are you saying you're having this baby? Are you really ready for this? How are you going to look after it? What are you going to say to Logan? Are you even going to tell him? Are you –"

"Mom, I don't know!" Rory yelled. "I don't know what I'm going to do! I can't think, I can't decide and that's why I have to go!"

"Don't go," Lorelai said. "You need to think about this, kid. Going off to a strange city when you're pregnant and thinking a can-do attitude is enough – Rory, you don't know how hard it's going to be."

"It's what you did."

"I know."

For a moment neither spoke. A stray wind drifted through the window and lifted the lace on Lorelai's dress. The cool tickled Rory's arms.

"This is the last thing I wanted for you," Lorelai said eventually. "How did you let this happen?"

"I didn't mean to," Rory said quietly and Lorelai sighed.

"I wanted the best for you."

"I screwed up," Rory said, voice shaking. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm not your perfect daughter anymore."

"Rory, don't do that."

"I can't make it better,"Rory said, a tightness in her throat. "I didn't want it to happen."

"Kid –"

"Stop calling me kid!" Rory cried. "I'm not a kid, I'm thirty-two! I'm going to – I don't know, but I'm not a kid!"

"Fine, do what you want to do," Lorelai said, her voice hard and angry. "I was half your age when I got pregnant. You're all grown up and obviously you don't need any help from anyone, especially not me. Have this baby, or don't. You're on your own. I won't tell you how hard it is, how lonely you'll be."

"Great."

They glared at each other, hands on hips. Lorelai looked at her but just as her eyes softened and her mouth opened Rory marched past, grabbed the suitcase and headed to the door.

"Tell Luke I had to leave," she said. "Congratulations, Mom."

It was three weeks ago. Rory hasn't spoken to Lorelai since, and her mother hasn't called or emailed once. She doesn't know what to tell her; how confused she still is, how uncertain. She thought going to New York would help clear her mind, not muddy it. Rory finishes the bagel and hugs her arms to herself, chilled through. She's thought of picking up the phone a million times but a childish pride stops her. She doesn't want to admit she's afraid and her mother's words echo in her mind – _you're on your own_. If Lorelai could do it at sixteen why can't she do it at twice her age? Why can't she figure it out?

Rory knows Jess is right. She needs to call. Rory reaches for the phone but then puts it back. She doesn't know what to say but she can't stay away either, and finally Rory gets in her car and drives to Stars Hollow. If she just sees her mother maybe it will be easier.

It is only as she coasts up their street that Rory considers the fact that her mother might be away. She feels a little foolish as she goes up to the door but, seconds after letting herself in, her mother enters the hallway.

"Hi," Rory says quietly.

"Hey," Lorelai says gently.

"Mom, I'm –"

"I know, kid," Lorelai says, pulling her into a hug. "I know. Me too."

Luke is at the diner, Lorelai tells Rory as they go into the kitchen. He likes things being as they always were. Paul Anka lifts his head and barks in greeting before settling back down in his basket.

"Do you want coffee?" Lorelai asks carefully and Rory smiles. Wordlessly, Lorelai puts on a pot and Rory says, "I hear you're not supposed to drink coffee when you're pregnant but I think I'm immune."

"So you're still –" Lorelai turns and Rory nods. "Okay."

"Mom," Rory says quietly. "I don't know what to do."

Lorelai turns, putting down the cups and sits beside her.

"Rory," she says softly and then Rory is silently crying, tears trickling down her shirt and into the cup.

"I know I should have an abortion," she says. "I was going to. I know it's the right thing to do. But I'd already started thinking about it, having it, and I just – I didn't want to. I know it's dumb."

"It's not dumb, Rory. It's your decision."

"But I don't know how to do it," Rory cries. "I don't know how to be a mother. I thought maybe one day, but not like this. How am I going to look after a kid?"

"I'll help you, Rory. You're not on your own in this."

Rory can't answer and Lorelai says,

"Are you sure about this? I'm not going to tell you what to do, but having a baby is a big decision, and it's forever. And it's going to be tough. You can't stick it in the attic if you get tired of it. Trust me, I wanted to do that with you a few times."

"I know," Rory says through her tears. "I've been over it and over it in my head but I just - I don't want to get rid of it. I know it's going to be hard. I know it is."

Lorelai nods and silently strokes her hair.

"I feel so stupid," Rory sobs. "How could I get pregnant? I was careful. This wasn't meant to happen."

"But it did happen. Rory, you can be scared about this, but you've got to have help. It's a big thing. You can't just shut yourself off. In about nine months that baby's coming out, and then you'll really need someone to help you."

"You mean Logan?"

"No, I mean me, but I think you should tell him."

"I don't know," Rory says, staring at the table. "He's getting married. What good will it do?"

"It's not doing you good not to be on your own with it. Rory, I'm not saying he should drop getting married and be with you instead, but he should help you, at least with support."

"But you did it without Dad."

"I know, and I don't regret it," Lorelai says staunchly. "And I don't want you to marry Logan or even insist that he move here to help you. I just think he should know."

Rory doesn't answer and Lorelai leans over.

"Rory? Tell me what's going on in there?"

"I guess," Rory says finally. "I'll think about it."

Lorelai nods, sitting back, and Rory says nervously,

"Mom?"

"Yeah, kid?"

"I have a scan in a couple of weeks. Will you come with me?"

Lorelai's face softens and she nods.

"Of course I will."

Rory smiles and Lorelai laughs.

"So I'm going to be a grandmother," she says. "It's too weird."

"The baby will think you're too young."

"And it's going to be absolutely right."


	4. Chapter 4

**Thanks for the feedback!**

Before she leaves, Lorelai takes Rory to Luke's. It's busy but when he turns to see them his face softens, and he passes his plates to Caeser to give to the customers.

"Hey Rory," Luke says, his smile nervous. "Good to see you."

"Good to see you too," Rory replies. She feels shy, wanting to apologise for how she left, but before she can do anything else Luke pulls a chair up and says,

"Sit down before the next horde arrives. You want something to drink? Water? Coffee?"

His voice is normal but Luke is beaming from ear to ear and Rory accepts his sudden hug around her shoulders.

"She'll want coffee," Lorelai interrupts. "You know that."

"It's true," Rory says. "I got it from her."

"The baby will have three heads," Lorelai agrees. Luke sighs but he sounds the same as he says,

"Four, more likely. I'm bringing you decaf."

"We'll be able to smell it!" Lorelai calls and, as he walks away, Rory asks,

"Is Luke okay with this?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, is he upset?"

"He's concerned," Lorelai says after a pause. "But he's just glad you're here."

"Yeah, he seems it."

They're still grinning as Luke brings the cups over and, after Rory takes a sip of hers, checking it's real, Luke says,

"Jess came by the other day."

"He did?" Rory asks, clutching the rim, and Luke nods.

"He told me he'd bumped into you. Said you were at a museum?"

"Art gallery. How was he?"

"Fine. Said you were fine, too."

Luke shifts, sounding awkward as he says,

"Here - Jess said you can have this, if I saw you."

He fishes in his pocket, bringing out a crumpled piece of paper and passing it to Rory. On it is scribbled some numbers and Luke says,

"That's Jess's new cellphone number. He said he forgot to give it to you."

"Oh. Thanks."

Rory folds the paper, putting it in her pocket and Luke says,

"I didn't give him yours. I didn't know if - well, it's not my business."

"Luke, it's fine," Rory says, looking up. "Thank Jess for me. Actually, now I can because I have his number. Thanks."

"You're welcome."

There's an awkward silence for a moment until Lorelai holds up her cup and, feigning a Southern accent, says,

"I've flush out of coffee, whatever will I do?"

After Luke pours her a fresh cup, more customers spill through the doors and Rory finishes her coffee with a gulp.

"I should go," she says. "Thanks for - it's good to see you guys."

"It's great to see you," Lorelai says, hugging her tightly. "Call me soon, okay?"

"I'll call you tonight."

Lorelai kisses her cheek and Rory turns to say goodbye to Luke. He's busy taking new orders and Rory waits before saying,

"Luke, I have to go. Thanks for the coffee."

"Anytime, Rory," Luke says gently. "I'm glad you're here."

"Me too."

"I'm glad you're okay," he says quietly and Rory nods. It seems too weird to hug him, but rude to just go, and for a second they stand there until Rory says,

"It's good to be here again."

"We missed you," Luke says warmly and Rory hesitates.

"I was going to say goodbye. You know, at the wedding."

"Ah, you had a lot going on. That day was kind of a blur."

"Weddings are stressful, huh?"

"Are you kidding? I almost forgot my name at the vows."

They both laugh and Luke smiles, holding her shoulders for a moment.

"It's good to see you, Rory."

"And you, Luke. Still managing my mom?"

"Most of the time. She still gets distracted by anything shiny."

"Or sugar."

"Or sugar," Luke agrees and they laugh.

"I'd better go," Rory says apologetically. "Thanks again, Luke."

"Anytime."

Rory waves and walks back to the car, letting out a long sigh as she settles in the seat. It feels good to go home.

When she gets back, Rory takes out the paper and calls Jess's number. It rings a few times before Jess says,

"Hello?"

"Hey - it's Rory. Luke gave me your number. I hope it's okay to call."

"Of course it's okay," Jess says. If he's surprised he doesn't sound it, and Rory adds,

"I went to see Mom."

"Yeah? How'd that go?"

"Good," Rory says, leaning her weight against the table. "We made up. You were right, Jess. It worked out."

"I thought it would."

"It did. Mom's going to come with me to my ultrasound."

There's a pause and then Jess says,

"You get more, right?"

"Huh?"

"More ultrasounds?"

"Oh, yeah. You get the first one at twelve weeks, or the estimate, you know, if you don't know when..." Rory's voice fades as she catches herself, embarrassed, and Jess says,

"Got it. I'm glad. I'm glad your mom's going, I mean."

"Me too. I'm kind of nervous."

"About which part?"

Rory laughs and says,

"Both, I guess. I have to drink a ton of water first. Is it bad that I'm worrying about not getting to use the bathroom?"

"I'd say a lot of people think that."

"Well, I want the rest to be okay too," Rory says seriously. "It's going to be weird."

"Yeah. I know."

They're both quiet and then Rory says,

"Well, I'd better go. Thanks for - oh!"

She catches herself as her legs wobble and Jess says,

"Rory? Rory, are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Rory says quickly, righting herself. "Just a little dizzy."

"Dizzy? Go sit down. Do you want me to come over?"

"No, I'm fine," Rory says. "I just need some water. Honestly Jess, it's normal. You don't need to drive out."

"Are you sure? I'm not hanging up until you're sitting down."

"I'm sitting down," Rory says, moving over to the couch. "Do you ever think about that? How we still say hang up, but it's not hanging up because it's a cellphone?"

Jess chuckles and Rory blushes.

"Lots of wisdom to impart here."

"I get what you mean," Jess says. "I guess clicking a button sounds too on the nose or something."

"Probably."

"Are you feeling okay now?"

"Fine. I promise the dizziness has left the buiding."

"And has it left Rory Gilmore?"

"Totally gone. Thanks, Jess."

"You're welcome. Are you sure you don't want me to come?"

"No, I'm fine. We'll talk soon, right?"

"Soon as you like. Tell me how the ultrasound goes - if you want, I mean."

"Of course. Bye, Jess."

"Bye, Rory."

The following two weeks pass in a rush. Rory works all day and watches old movies at night and at the weekend, losing herself in _Roman Holiday_ and the story of Sabrina. Before she knows it, the date for her ultrasound is the next day and Rory swallows at the date on the calendar. Lorelai is meeting her at the apartment the following morning and Rory sleeps fitfully, waking up fitfully on the hour. When she does get up, no amount of coffee wipes her sleepiness and Rory yawns as she shows her mother around.

"Kid, you've got to wake up," Lorelai says. "You have to drink a pint of water before we go to the hospital and you don't want to pee yourself."

Rory blanches, standing straighter.

"Jeez, that'll work. So what do you think of the place?"

"It's nice," Lorelai says simply. She walks around, taking in the prints on the wall and turns back to her daughter.

"It's small," she says carefully and Rory bites her lip.

"I know. But it's a baby - they're tiny, right?"

"You'd be surprised at the junk they need," Lorelai laughs and Rory smiles.

"I know, I was kidding. It'll be fine, Mom. The baby will be sharing with me."

"What about when it's older?"

"I'll figure something out. Anyway Mom, this is just twelve weeks. Who knows if - twelve weeks is really early."

"I know," Lorelai says gently. She squeezes Rory's hand. "It'll be okay, sweets. Either way."

Rory nods and then breaks away, going over to the refrigerator.

"I'd better start drinking these," she says, holding up a bottle of water. "Don't let me pee myself."

"Hey, I'm not making any promises."

By the time they're at the hospital, Rory's skipping from foot to foot and Lorelai lays a hand on her arms.

"Hey, you're not supposed to jump! You want to start a waterfall?"

"I've never needed the bathroom so badly in my life!" Rory hisses. "Can't they do it without this?"

"Yeah, and they'll make a brand new appointment where you have to drink the water all over again. Hold on - literally. You're being seen in ten minutes."

"This is the longest ten minutes of my life!"

"I haven't heard you say that since you had to wait for _Sesame Street_ to start."

"I mean it! This is the most uncomfortable thing I've ever been through!"

"Remind me of that in six months. Contractions are going to be a treat."

Rory bites her lip and Lorelai looks apologetic.

"Come sit down," she says after a pause. "You shouldn't be dancing around the waiting room!"

Rory shuffles over and groans as she lowers into the chair.

"I'm never complaining about waiting ever again."

"I'm going to hold you to that."

Before Rory can reply a technician comes out and announces,

"Rory Gilmore? We're ready now."

Rory gets up, gives her mother a look, and the two enter the room. There's a gurney with lots of scary looking equipment surrounding it and the technician looks up from her clipboard.

"Rory? Good to meet you. Hop up on the table and we'll get you ready."

"I don't think I'm going to be doing much hopping," Rory remarks. Awkwardly, she climbs up and lies down, clamping her legs together. Her mother settles in the chair beside her and the technician scans through her notes.

"So, you're Rory," she says again. "And this is -?"

"Oh, I'm her mother," Lorelai says, getting up. "I'm Lorelai, like Rory, her real name's Lorelai. I named her after me, you know, whacked out on the birth drugs, just thinking about how men name boys after themselves all the time, so why shouldn't women? We'll see if Rory carries on the tradition. The name thing I mean, though I wouldn't blame her if she took the drugs as labour hurts like hell, as you know. Or not. I don't know, I'm guessing you do, from the profession you're in, or maybe from personal -"

The technician is staring and Lorelai shuts up as Rory swiftly elbows her hip. Coughing, Lorelai smiles and sits back down.

"It's so nice to meet you."

"Yes," the technician says shortly. Looking back at her clipboard, she says, "So, Rory, you're around twelve weeks and you've named the father. Is he going to be here?"

"No," Rory says uncomfortably. "Not right now."

"I see. How have you been feeling?"

"About -?"

"Physically."

"Oh. Okay. Mostly tired, a little dizzy."

"That's normal. Are you resting?"

"As much as I can."

"Alright," the technician says, closing her notes. "Well, we're all ready. Can you lift your shirt up?"

"Excuse me?"

"For me to spread the ultrasound gel," the technician says patiently and, blushing furiously, Rory lifts her shirt as Lorelai sniggers.

"Now, this will feel cold," the technician warns and Rory sucks in her breath as the gel is spread over her stomach. The technician gets the equipment ready and, smiling, asks,

"Are you ready, Rory? I'm going to do the ultrasound now."

"Go ahead."

Lorelai takes Rory's hand as the ultrasound starts. The technician is quiet, staring at the screen until Rory desperately asks,

"Is it okay?"

"It's all looking very healthy," the technician says, and Rory lets out a long breath. "Do you want to see your baby?"

"Yes," Rory says. Her heart flutters but she says, "I'd like to see it."

The technician slowly turns the screen around and Rory's breath catches in her throat. Right in the centre of the screen is a tiny, blurry baby, impossibly small.

"Oh Rory!" Lorelai says, her voice stumbling on a sob. "Look how tiny!"

"That's your baby," the technician says gently. "All perfectly healthy."

"Is it definitely okay?" Rory asks and she nods.

"Developing wonderfully. Look, there's an arm."

A tiny white arm wobbles over the screen and Rory smiles in disbelief.

"It's perfect!" Lorelai announces. "She looks perfect."

"Ma'am, you can't see the sex yet," the technician remarks and Lorelai laughs.

"I know. I just think she's a girl."

"Well, what will you do if it's not?" Rory asks and Lorelai grins, wiping her eyes.

"Call him Lorelai anyway and hope he has my wit."

"If the kid knows what's good for it."

They stop as a fluttering sound fills the room and Rory asks,

"What's that?"

"That's your baby's heartbeat," the technical tells her. "Sounding very healthy."

Rory nods and she smiles, wheeling the screen back.

"I'll give you a copy of the film and pictures," she says. "Otherwise, we're all done. You can go to the bathroom now. I'm sure you'll be relieved to hear that."

"Yeah, relieved," Rory laughs. She has a lump in her throat but swallows it as she climbs back down and wipes the gel off with the paper towels beside her. Lorelai pats her arm and says,

"Come on, angel. Let's go."

When Rory's home, watched the video three times with Lorelai and can finally face a glass of water again, her mother kisses her cheek and gets up.

"I'd better go now. I promised Luke I'd be home in time for our movie marathon."

"You're just hoping he brings home burgers."

"That too."

Laughing, Lorelai tucks Rory's hair behind her ear and cups her chin.

"Are you going to be okay if I go?"

"You know I will, Mom."

"It was a big day."

"Yeah. But it was all okay."

"That's your baby, little girl. It looks like you did."

"Oh Mom, it was an ultrasound! Plus that was in the eighties, I'm sure I was just a blur."

"No! You waved at me just like your baby did. You both said hello."

Rory smiles and Lorelai carefully puts one of the pictures in her purse.

"I can't wait to show Luke."

"It's your grandkid. And his, I guess. You guys are married now."

"Yeah," Lorelai says thoughtfully. "I still feel too young to be a grandmother."

"Well, now you know how Grandma felt."

"Thanks for that," Lorelai says, wrinkling her nose. "Speaking of, have you told her yet?"

"I'm seeing her soon."

"Well, make sure she's sitting down first. Okay, I really need to go. Goodbye, honey."

"Goodbye, Mom. Thanks for coming."

"Thanks for wanting me to."

When Lorelai's left Rory picks up one of the pictures. Staring at the photo, she holds it carefully in her hands before sticking it to the refrigerator with a magnet. Placing her hands over her stomach, she looks and looks at the little possibility inside her.

"Well, kid," she says eventually. "It's just you and me."


	5. Chapter 5

**Thanks for the feedback!**

The next day Rory picks up the phone. She drops it, picks it up again and this time successes in dialling it. It only takes a few rings before Logan answers.

"Hey, Ace," he says in surprise. "What's up?"

"Hey," Rory says, swallowing. "I'm calling to...how are you?"

"I'm fine," Logan says, sounding puzzled yet pleased. "Pretty swamped at work. Getting ready for Christmas."

"Of course."

"What's going on?"

"Can I come see you?" Rory says, after a pause. "I need to see you."

"Sure, Ace."

"Really?" Rory asks, mildly surprised. "I thought you were swamped?"

"I can take a break for you. Odette's actually away this week - she's visiting her sister in Paris. We're having Christmas in London, but her sister can't make it."

"That's too bad," Rory says awkwardly and Logan says,

"So you can stay here no problem."

"No," Rory says fiercely and then, more carefully, "no, I don't need to stay. Well, I do, but I'll stay in a hotel."

"What? Don't be crazy. I know we broke things off but it doesn't have to be hard and fast. When in Vegas -"

"Logan, we're not in Vegas," Rory says, closing her eyes. "It's not that, I don't want to - I need to talk to you, okay?"

"You can talk to me right now."

"It's not something I can say over the phone. I want to see you."

"You've got me hooked, Ace," Logan says. "You're not even giving me a hint?"

Rory laughs shakily and says,

"Sorry. So if I fly in for Saturday night, does that work?"

"It works perfectly. I'll see you then, Ace. I'm looking forward to it."

"Bye, Logan."

Rory ends the call and stands still, letting out laden breaths. She tries to picture Logan's reaction, but she can't. All she can feel is the fearful doubt in her mind.

The next evening, Lorelai calls.

"Hey kid," she says cheerfully. "I was thinking maybe we could do some shopping this weekend, maybe get some cute maternity stuff - what do you think?"

"I can't," Rory says awkwardly. Grabbing the pen she uses for messages, she starts doodling on the pad and Lorelais says,

"Oh, that's too bad. I was up all night reading about strollers, and the fancy ones the A-listers use, and let me tell you, a baby will poop all over its seat and puke all over its bottle too. It doesn't matter if it is made out of solid gold! Crazy, huh?"

"Sounds it. Gold, really?"

"Well, maybe not actual gold, but something way too expensive for babies anyway. What are you doing? Not planning on shopping without me, are you?"

"No," Rory says uncomfortably. "I'm actually going to London."

There's a long pause until Lorelai echoes,

"London? To see Logan?"

"Yeah."

Lorelai doesn't answer and Rory jams the pen into the paper, forcing the ink to spurt. Eventually her mother says,

"Are you sure?"

"Am I sure? You're the one who pressed me to tell him!"

"I know, it's just such a big thing. Do you know what you'll say?"

" _You knocked me up_ might work. Actually, maybe I should just wait a few months and then see him. Then I won't need words at all."

"Rory."

"No, I don't know. I'm working on it. I've got to tell him, Mom. You know I do."

"Yeah, I do," Lorelai says quietly. "Are you okay with this?"

"As okay as I can be."

"And is it safe to fly right now?"

"I checked with my doctor. She said it was up to me but it would probably be fine."

"You don't want him to come here?"

"No. It's easier this way. Anyway, he's too busy. If I insist he comes he'll know something's wrong."

"But isn't it?"

"I don't want to tell him on the phone, and if he knows he has to come he'll get me to tell him. Mom, I'd rather go there. I have enough points saved."

"It's your call," Lorelai says finally. "Do you know what you want him to say?"

"No," Rory says, her words tired. "I keep going over it in my head and I don't know what I want him to say."

"What do you think he'll say?"

"I don't know but I doubt he'll break out a bottle of champagne."

"Oh, honey."

"Mom, I have to go," Rory says, blinking away the rush of tears. "I need to book my flight."

"Okay, sweets. Call me when you're back."

"I will. Bye, Mom."

On Saturday night Rory climbs the stairs to Logan's building. She's exhausted from the flight and, despite indulging in a nap when she got to the hotel, feels no more awake than when she got off the plane. She's changed into a black silk dress and, smoothing it under her coat, rings the bell. It's warmer than the states but the air is damp and heavy, and Rory is relieved when the door opens. The emotion is shortlived as Logan smiles at her and kisses her cheek.

"Hey, Ace. Long time no see."

He leads her to his apartment, opening the door with a silver key. The first thing Rory sees is a giant tree, dominating the room, coated in gold baubles and silver tinsel. The smell of pine is overpowering and Rory tries not to wrinkle her nose.

"That's some tree!"

"Yeah," Logan laughs, taking her coat. "We had it shipped from Norway. Come on, let me get you a drink."

"Just water," Rory says and Logan laughs again, staring at her.

"Water? Really?"

"Yeah, I - hold on."

Rory makes it to the bathroom just in time. Pine apparently tops the list of smells which make her nauseous and she heaves over the bowl, grabbing some toilet paper to wipe her mouth. When she comes out Logan is waiting with a glass of iced water and a concerned frown.

"You okay, Ace?"

"Yeah - I'm sorry, it was the plane ride and the smell of the tree - bad combination."

"You've never gotten airsick before," Logan says, handing her the glass. "I didn't know Christmas trees made you sick either."

Rory shrugs and Logan puts his arm around her shoulder.

"Sit down, let's relax."

"Logan, I actually think you should sit down," Rory says, taking a deep breath and sipping the water. Logan grins.

"Fine by me."

He sits on the deep leather sofa and Rory sits beside him. He wraps his arm back around her but Rory turns to face him, refusing to lean in.

"I have some news."

"News? Is this what you were being so cryptic about on the phone?"

Rory nods and Logan removes his arm, placing his palms out.

"So tell me."

"Logan," Rory says slowly. "I'm pregnant."

An array of expression crosses Logan's face. His intrigue turns to shock, confusion and finally a look of fear as his face pales.

"You're pregnant?" he whispers and Rory nods. "And it's definitely -?"

"Logan, I wouldn't be here if it wasn't. You know it is."

"But how?" Logan demands, leaping to his feet. "How did it happen? We were always careful, you told me -"

"You know I was careful!"

"You weren't careful enough!"

"So this is my screw-up?" Rory shouts. "I was always careful, you think I'd risk this? It didn't work. I don't know why it didn't, but I got pregnant. I'm twelve weeks."

"So it was - it was New Hampshire, wasn't it?"

"Yes," Rory says, laughing a little. "You can do the math at least."

"When did you - how long have you known?"

"Six weeks," Rory says quietly. "I missed a period and I knew. I've never missed my period."

"Are you okay?"

"I've been better."

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"I didn't know what I wanted to do."

"You were going to have an abortion," Logan says, rubbing a hand over his head. "Why'd you change your mind?"

"I don't know. I just didn't want to."

Logan is silent and sinks back down beside her. Rory waits a moment and then asks,

"What are you thinking?"

"I don't know, Rory," Logan groans. "This is a lot to take."

"I know the feeling."

Finally Logan opens his eyes and asks,

"Do you want to get married?"

"What?"

"Do you want me to marry you? Do the family thing?"

"Do the - Logan, you aren't serious."

"Why not?"

"Why not? You know why not. It's over between us."

"Who says we can't start over?"

"I do," Rory says, sitting up. "Logan, it's not going to work. You can't marry me."

"Why not?"

"Okay," Rory says seriously. "Tell me now that you're going to leave all this. Tell me you're going to walk out of this apartment, leave your job, tell Odette you can't marry her because you're marrying me. Tell her you made me pregnant - tell your _father_ that - and that you're starting over with me."

Logan looks at her, hesitates and laughs. Rory shakes her head.

"I knew it."

"Come on, Ace."

"No, listen to me," Rory says angrily. "You can't have both. And if you come back with me, you're going to be a father. There's going to be a baby all the time who needs you, and isn't going to care about your work or your fun or anything else you want to do. I know you don't want that, Logan."

"I don't want to lose you."

"We lost what we had," Rory says. "It was gone before I found out."

"Rory."

"Logan, we're not kids anymore. I missed you when we broke up, when I left college, and when we weren't together. And then last year when I saw you, and I was so sad, you made me so happy. I hadn't been happy in months. I thought we could try again."

"It's what you said. You said it didn't matter that I was engaged."

"Because you said it was arranged," Rory says quietly. "That you didn't love each other. But it wasn't right. I just wanted what we used to have. My grandfather died and I was so messed up and then you were there, and it just - the world felt okay again. I forgot about the rest."

"So why can't we try?" Logan asks gently. "I miss you."

"Because it's not what I want anymore. I don't love you, Logan. And you don't love me."

"Of course I do."

"Not enough to leave all this. I know you, Logan. And if you do try, do the _family man_ thing, it's not going to work and we can't do that to this kid. We won't be a family. You'll resent me."

"Don't say that!" Logan says sharply and Rory nods, her throat tight.

"You will. You'll resent me for agreeing to get married when our hearts weren't in it. Logan, we can't raise a kid like that. It's not fair. I won't do that, and I won't do it to us, either. I don't want you to marry me because I'm pregnant."

"So what do you want?" Logan asks quietly and Rory shakes her head.

"I don't know. I just know I don't want that."

Logan sits back and releases a long sigh.

"Great. This is great. I'm getting married in a month and my ex-girlfriend is pregnant."

"I didn't do this to inconvenience you," Rory snaps. "I just thought you should know."

"Do you want me to be there?" Logan asks. "There for the - when the baby comes?"

"You can be as involved as you want," Rory says. "I'm not going to beg you to be in the delivery room."

"Thank God," Logan says unsubtly and laughs. "I mean - I just don't want to see that."

"I didn't think you would," Rory says drily. "But here - I thought you might want to see this."

Reaching in her purse, she pulls out the ultrsound photo and passes it to Logan. Gingerly he holds it up to the light and stares at it for a while.

"Logan?"

"It looks small," he says eventually and Rory smiles.

"It's definitely tiny."

Logan smiles too and Rory asks,

"Do you want a copy?"

Logan quickly hands the picture back, shaking his head.

"No. Thanks, but no."

Rory expected as much but it hurts all the same. Gathering some courage, she asks,

"Are you going to tell Odette?"

"Do you want me to?"

"Not my question. It's up to you."

"I'm not going to," Logan says, his voice hinting apology. "I mean, if we're not - Odette and I still getting married. She doesn't need to know, right?"

"If that's what you think," Rory says. Her chest is hurting, filled with a sudden pain she hadn't anticipated, and desperately she gulps the water to try and quell it. It doesn't work.

"Look," Logan says as she drinks. "I'm going to help. I'll send you money, Ace, as much as you want."

"I don't want your money."

"Come on, Rory! It's our kid!"

"You don't want to know it."

"I didn't say that. I just don't want - hey, you said it yourself. Our lives are separate now. Doesn't mean I can't help, and I want to. I have a whole fortune and you can have more than what you need. I don't want to be the jerk who gets you pregnant and then says you have to pay for it."

He slows as he catches his words and Rory shakes her head.

"I don't want some deal where you send me a quarter of a million every year. Logan - maybe you can help with some support, but not like that. I don't want solid gold baby bottles."

"What?"

"Nothing. I just don't need you to send me millions, and I don't want you to either."

"Then what do you want from me?"

"I just wanted you to know. You had the right to know."

Logan nods slowly and Rory looks at him questioningly.

"I wish this hadn't happened," he says eventually and Rory gulps, pushing the ache away.

"Oh yeah, me too."

She waits but Logan doesn't say anything else, and finally Rory gets to her feet.

"I should go."

"Okay," Logan says quietly and Rory hesitates.

"If you want to come and see the baby, that's okay," she says. "Just don't - don't say you'll come and then promise another time. Don't do that. If you say you'll come, be there. And I can't come to you."

"Alright," Logan says, voice a husk. "I promise."

He gets up as Rory puts on her coat and walks to her. Rory turns and for a moment they stare at each other. His brown eyes are pleading and suddenly it seems like he's going to take her in his arms. Logan moves but steps aside, opening the door.

"Goodnight, Rory."

"Goodnight."

"Have you got a ride back?"

"Oh, I'm all set. You don't have to worry about me."

Her words are hard as diamond and Logan takes them without argument.

"Safe journey," he says and Rory walks down the hall. She's halfway back when she turns and calls,

"Logan!"

He's still in the hall and reaches her eye.

"Congratulations!" Rory shouts. She steps in the elevator and it's only when she's on the pavement, away from his window, that she starts to cry. She cries and cries and finally lets her eyes settle on the sky. The stars are muffled by mist but Rory stares through her watery eyes. The night is no longer theirs.


	6. Chapter 6

**Thanks for the feedback!**

The following night, Rory gets back to her apartment. She's exhausted, but after showering and a cup of coffee she calls Lorelai, knowing her mother will be hurt if she waits to talk. Lorelai answers almost instantly.

"Hey, kid."

"Hey, Mom. I'm home."

"Was the flight okay?"

"It was fine."

Rory bites her lip as Lorelai asks carefully,

"And the rest?"

"Well, he knows."

"That doesn't sound good."

"It's fine, Mom."

"You're not giving me much to go on, Rory. What did he say? Did he get mad?"

"He didn't get mad!"

"What did he do?" Lorelai insists and Rory says in frustration,

"Nothing, okay? He didn't do anything. He didn't get mad, he didn't cry, he didn't - it was fine, okay?"

"Okay," Lorelai says quietly and Rory closes her eyes.

"I'm sorry, Mom. I'm not mad at you. I just don't want to talk about it."

"Okay, sweets. Are you resting?"

"Yes, I'm resting."

"And eating?"

"I've got a pizza waiting."

"Alright then," Lorelai says doubtfully. "I'll see you this weekend, then. Are you still coming on Friday?"

"It's Christmas, Mom! You know I am."

"I know, but it's not technically Christmas until Sunday."

"I will be there on Friday, I promise."

"Good," Lorelai says firmly. "Can you believe Mom's not coming? That she agreed to spend Christmas with Berta's family and said she'll do it with us next week? I'm almost offended!"

"Only almost," Rory teases.

"Well, I have to spend a week with her in Nantucket, so I'm seeing it as more of a Christmas miracle. Is that horrible?"

"No. It's healthy to have space," Rory says uneasily. She doesn't want to admit her relief that she doesn't have to talk to Emily quite yet and Lorelai laughs.

"There's my emotionally enabling daughter. I'll let you go, honey. Luke looks like he's going to delete my new Lifetime movie and I need to hide the remote!"

"Go," Rory laughs. "I've got my pizza to eat."

"Enjoy. Make sure you rest, okay?"

"I am. Bye, Mom."

"Bye."

Rory hangs up and opens the pizza box. It smells delicious but she eats half of what she normally would, unable to tell if it's lethargy or hormones blocking her. Finally, Rory curls up in bed, puts on a movie and falls asleep to a tawdry love triangle. The aggravation of the characters' problems seeps into her mind and turns to a heavy sadness, dousing her dreams.

On Friday, everyone is allowed to leave two hours early. Rory picks up her small case and drives back to Stars Hollow, hitting less holiday traffic then she'd expected. She's both glad and annoyed, as she's already nervous to see everyone. Part of her wants to skip Christmas this year. _Count me out_ she thinks as she drives up Lorelai's street. _The Christmas spirit is a stranger to me._

Her mother is running out as Rory parks, Luke behind her, and wraps Rory into a tight hug.

"Merry early Christmas, kid!" she exclaims, kissing her neck. "It's so good to have you home."

"We missed you last year," Luke adds and Lorelai releases Rory, so he can hug her too.

"Missed you too," Rory says and he hugs her tighter.

"You okay?" he asks and Rory nods.

"I'm good, Luke."

"Well, let's go inside," Lorelai says. "Rory must be tired."

"Can we go for a walk first?" Rory asks. "I've been in the car for so long - I'd like to get some air, see the Christmas lights."

"Great idea," Lorelai says. "Let me grab my coat."

"Not a long walk!" Luke cuts in. "Take breaks!"

"Overprotective Luke," Lorelai whispers and Rory giggles, but more for politeness.

Strolling through Stars Hollow, Rory starts to relax. Dusk is starting to fall and lights are twinkling all around the streets and gazebo. Lorelai makes a quick trip to Luke's, emerging with two cups. Rory takes one from her, drinking gratefully, and says,

"It's good to be home."

"It's good to have you home," Lorelai says softly. "We've been looking forward to it."

"Me too," Rory says quietly and Lorelai squeezes her spare hand.

"For three whole days!"

Rory smiles, sipping her coffee, and says,

"Let's walk around some more."

The sidewalks are glittering with cleared snow and frost and Rory breathes in the cool air. It tastes cleaner than New York and she gulps deep lungfuls of it, looking around the town. Sometimes she wonders if her mother's joke is true - that the town was actually constructed inside a giant snowglobe - when a voice breaks her thoughts.

"Rory!"

Rory's head snaps up and she sees Miss Patty waving to her from the studio. She's teaching a new set of little girls ballet, who are shivering and crossing their legs in their leotards, and Rory calls,

"Hey, Miss Patty! I'm home for Christmas!"

"Oh, Rory, you're pregnant!" Miss Patty squeals. "Who's the father?"

The hot coffee turns to ice in Rory's stomach. Before she can form any kind of reply Lorelai takes her arm and says firmly,

"We're going now, Patty!"

"Bye, angels! Oh Rory, we're thrilled! We can't wait to enter your baby in the pageant for summer!"

"How does she know I'm pregnant?" Rory hisses. "Am I showing already?"

"No, not at all!"

"Then how - is she that good? You know, I always wondered if she could tell when I'd had sex and now I'm betting she did."

"Yeah," Lorelai says awkwardly. "And maybe because I stuck your sonogram picture on the refrigerator."

Rory stops abruptly, staring her mother.

"You did what?"

"It's my grandkid, Rory! I was excited! I didn't know Babette was going to come barging in asking for sugar!"

"Mom, it's Babette. She's been your neighbour for twenty years, you know her! How could you?"

"I'm sorry. I didn't think."

Rory groans and then says,

"If Miss Patty knows, the whole town knows."

"Yeah," Lorelai says guiltily and Rory's eyes widen.

"The whole town knows?! Great!"

"I should probably warn you they're all casting bets over who the father is."

"Oh, excellent. I'm going to change my name to Hester Prynne. They'll probably stick a giant scarlet letter on my chest at the town meeting."

"At least you look good in red. I'm sorry" Lorelai says again and Rory sighs.

"They would have found out anyway, I guess."

"They still all love you, honey," Lorelai says gently. "You know, I came here when I was young mother and they all took care of me. They want to take care of you too."

Rory nods, but the winter air suddenly seems more chilled than comforting.

"Can we go home?"she asks. "I'm tired."

"Sure, sweets," Lorelai says softly. "Let's go."

When they get back Luke prepares a giant, healthy meal and Rory manages to eat a good three quarters which pleases him, and doesn't throw it up, which pleases her. She lies on the couch watching an old movie with Lorelai and wakes up with a jerk some time later. Luke is tucking a blanket over her and says guiltily,

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you."

"That's okay," Rory says groggily, sitting up. "Where's Mom?"

"Making more poptarts."

"Of course."

"I didn't want to disturb you but thought you might get cold."

"Thanks, Luke."

"You okay?" Luke asks quietly and Rory knows without asking what he means.

"Mom told you I went to London."

"She wasn't talking behind your back," Luke says quickly. "Just that you went to talk to Logan."

"It's okay."

"I think it's good you went," Luke says. "I know it's different, and I know it's not my business, but I was hurt when Anna never told me about April. I think it's good you told him."

Rory nods and Luke adds,

"And brave, too."

"It's good he knows," Rory says quietly. She looks away and Luke coughs, straightening up.

"You want some tea? Hot chocolate?"

"Coffee, Luke," Lorelai interrupts, coming in with a plate of poptarts. "You know our ways."

"All too well," Luke grins. "Well, I'll leave you two alone. I can't stand this unhealthy eating."

"You married into this family!" Lorelai calls as he disappears. "You made the vows!"

Laughing, Lorelai turns back to Rory and puts an arm around her.

"So, here's the plan," she says. "Jess is coming over tomorrow and staying over. We thought we'd do a mini Christmas dinner then before the real one on Sunday. We figured it might be more relaxing. What do you think?"

"Sounds good," Rory says brightly. Her heartbeat quickens and she asks,

"So where's Jess going to sleep?"

"The couch," Lorelai says in confusion. "Why, do you want him to bunk in with you?"

"Mom, I was just wondering!"

"And I'm just mocking," Lorelai laughs, kissing her cheek. "Do you want to finish the movie or go to bed?"

"Finish the movie," Rory says sleepily. "I want to see how it ends."

Lorelai presses play but Rory falls asleep some point before the end. She wakes as Lorelai gets up and, stretching, gets ready for bed. Putting on the old, faded pyjamas she curls up in bed and, for a moment, can fool herself she's a little kid again.

The next day is quiet. Rory places her gifts under the tree and goes to see Lane, whose house is shockingly empty. Zack and Brian and Gil are all out and Rory and Lane relax on the couch, after pushing the music magazines off the cushions.

"Steve and Kwan are at a Christmas party," Lane tells her. "I'm so used to them being around the quiet is always weird."

"Aren't they quiet when they read?"

"Please, Rory," Lane snorts. "If one's reading, the other's up to something, or they both are."

"But they're good kids, right?"

"Yeah," Lane says gently. "They're great kids."

Rory smiles and Lane looks at her.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Rory shrugs and Lane says,

"I know it's scary. I've been there."

"I know you have," Rory says. She doesn't want to shut Lane out, but she doesn't know how to tell her that it feels different. She's on her own with this but all she says is,

"I'm kind of nervous."

"Of course you are."

"I told Logan," Rory says and Lane's mouth hangs open.

"What did he say?"

"He was surprised," Rory says truthfully. "He offered to help."

"That's good, right?"

"I guess."

"It'll be okay," Lane says comfortingly. "You'll be hating every minute of it and then you'll have a baby in your arms, and it's just so cool. It's hard, you know, but it's worth it. Sometimes when Steve and Kwan are being cute I think about having another kid."

"And how long does that last?" Rory asks and Lane says,

"About thirty seconds."

They both laugh loudly and Lane adds,

"You know, if you have a girl, it'll be like how we planned, remember? When we were kids? We wanted a boy and a girl so they could be like each other's brothers and sisters."

"We were going to have one of each," Rory remembers and Lane laughs.

"Well, that didn't exactly work out. But we're both going to have kids, and they're going to be friends."

"Of course they are. Bit of an age gap though."

"Steve and Kwan can be like fun cousins then, or babysitters when they're older."

"Now that sounds like an excellent deal."

Rory smiles and Lane hugs her.

"It'll be okay, Rory."

"Yeah. I know."

After Lane's, Rory and Lorelai head to the town meeting. Luke stays behind to work on the food and get things ready for Jess ("same excuse you used last year!" Lorelai scoffed), so mother and daughter go alone. Arm in arm, they open the door just in time to hear Taylor say,

"Aren't we forgetting that fellow who came here last year? I can't remember his name but he drank an awful lot of tea."

"Peter!"

"Patrick!"

"No, no, no," Taylor groans and then jumps as Rory yells,

"What is going on here?"

"Rory! We thought you were getting here later," Taylor says guilty. "We were just -"

"I know what you were doing," Rory says, marching to the front. Climbing on the platform, she says,

"This is none of your business."

"Will you just tell us who the father is?" Babette asks and Gypsy adds,

"I'm willing to key his car if he's a jerk about it. Just tell me when Preston's back in town."

"Paul!" Rory yells. "His name is Paul and it's not his baby!"

A murmur ripples through the townsfolk and Rory's cheeks, and what feels like her entire body, turn a deep, deep red.

"Not Paul?" Taylor asks. "Then who?"

"Not him, and that's all you need to know," Rory says, walking back down. "My pregnancy is my business."

"Leave her alone, guys," Lorelai says sternly, putting an arm around her daughter and everyone sighs, but allows Miss Patty to move onto the next order of business.

"You okay?" Lorelai asks Rory and she nods, laughing.

"That Hester Prynne reference seems extra pertinent now."

When they get back there's another car parked at the house and Rory's breath catches in her throat. When she and Lorelai go inside, Jess is standing next to Luke, laughing at something his uncle's said. Rory smiles as he turns to see her and he smiles back, nodding in greeting.

"Hey."

"Hey," Rory says. She tucks her hands in her pockets and Luke asks,

"How was the meeting?"

"Fine," Rory says, after a pause. Lorelai sounds surprised but she echoes,

"Yeah, it was quiet."

"Well, that's good. Are you ready to eat? Jess and I were just talking to April."

"I'm sorry she couldn't come back for Christmas," Lorelai says, as they sit at the table, and Luke waves a hand.

"She's coming after New Year's. Anyway, she was talking so much about her new boyfriend I'm not sorry I can wait longer to hear about him. April's with Anna, it's fine. She'll come next year."

"Absolutely," Lorelai says, cutting into her pork chop. "You know, I was talking to Sookie last night. She said Davey asked if he could take a girl from his class on a date!"

"A date?" Luke exclaims, laying down his fork. "The kid's thirteen! Where's he going to take her, the playground?"

"He wants to take her for a movie and soda," Lorelai laughs. "Isn't that adorable?"

"As long as that's all," Luke remarks. "What did Sookie say?"

"She tried to talk Davey into letting her sit at the back and Davey refused."

"Shocking."

"So now she's trying to talk Jackson into it."

"Dating," Luke says, shaking his head. "When I was thirteen all I cared about was my skateboard."

"I'm sure you had a crush on some girl," Lorelai teases and Jess adds,

"More like he grunted at them."

"Speaking from experience?" Lorelai asks and Luke laughs.

"Jess, you didn't care about girls when you were thirteen, right?"

"Only ones in books."

"I hope not at the same time," Lorelai remarks and Jess raises his eyebrows.

"Not answering that."

"I don't want to know," Luke says and Rory says,

"It's too bad Sookie can't be here."

"Look at how neatly she steers the conversation back," Lorelai marvels. "You've been catching up with Emily Post?"

"Just a natural talent," Rory says, but her chest tightens at the word _Emily_.

"Well, my mother would be proud," Lorelai says. "And Dad, too."

Rory smiles and Lorelai lifts her glass.

"To absent friends."

"To absent friends," they all echo and Rory sips her sparkling orange juice. Jess catches her eye and Rory hides her eyes in the glass. When they put their drinks down, Rory focuses on eating and she and Jess exchange polite conversation.

After the meal, Rory helps clean up. She dries and puts away the plates and looks around at the sound of Lorelai's laughter. She's batting a cloth at Luke, giggling as he puts his arms around her, and Rory looks away, feeling intrusive. Without warning, a lump fills her throat and Rory knows she's going to cry. Putting the cloth down, she slips out the backdoor and sits on the steps. It's cold but she doesn't care and, alone, she allows the tears to fall. They spill down her cheeks, onto her hands and pants and Rory jumps when Jess says,

"Hey, what are you doing?"

"Nothing. I'm - I'm fine."

"You don't sound fine," Jess says, sitting next to her. "The opposite, actually."

"Great," Rory says, wiping an eye. "I'm not fine. You can go back in knowing that."

"Rory, you can't sit out here."

"I want to."

"It's freezing. You don't even have a coat on."

"I don't care."

"I care. Come on."

"I can't go back in," Rory sobs. She sobs and sobs and eventually Jess says,

"Let's go somewhere, then."

"Where?" Rory asks, lifting her face and Jess shrugs.

"Anywhere, but not this stoop. Get your coat and let's go. Deal?"

"Deal," Rory says after a pause. Getting her coat and gloves, she follows Jess out of the house and down the street. She doesn't know where they're going until they're on the street and approaching the office.

"Jess, the Gazette is closed for Christmas and I don't have the keys anymore."

"Don't need them," he says shortly. Reaching in his pocket, he comes out with a card and slides it through each lock. After a little coaxing, they open and Rory laughs in amazement.

"You really are a delinquent."

"I only use my powers for good," Jess says, grinning. He picks up the card and remarks,

"I'll have to make my apologies to the Philadelphia public library."

"God, I haven't been here in months," Rory says, turning the lights on and taking off her coat. "It feels like forever that I was here."

"Place has fallen apart without you."

"They said they'd hold the job for me," Rory says. "Not that it's exactly hard to get."

Sitting at the desk, she rests her arms on the heavy wood and smiles at the editor sign.

"Never did get around to updating that."

Jess sits opposite her and picks it up.

" _Roundbottom_ sounds very seductive. You could hook outsiders by the name alone."

"Well, I don't think many outsiders are going to be interested in the Gazette."

Jess nods and Rory's happiness trickles away. She sits back in her seat, morose, and Jess asks,

"Do you want to tell me why you were crying?"

"Oh, you know," Rory says, trying to joke. "It's the most wonderful time of year."

"Rory."

"Hey man, I'm pregnant. Crying comes with the package."

Jess looks at her seriously and, before she can stop it, Rory feels like she's going to start sobbing all over again. She takes a deep, shuddering breath and says,

"It's a mess."

"What's a mess?"

"All of this. I don't know what I'm doing."

"There's a learning curve."

"Which I have to figure out really soon!" Rory cries. "And the whole town knows - they were asking about the father at the town meeting and Taylor said it's too bad I'm not due until summer, because I could fill in for the before Mary in the nativity!"

"Ignore them."

"How can I ignore them?" Rory demands. "And even if I told them the truth, it's awful. I told Logan."

"How'd that go?"

"As well as you can expect," Rory says, wiping a tear away. "He said we could get married."

"What did you say?"

"No, of course. He doesn't want to marry me because he loves me - he wants to marry me because he thinks it's the right thing to do."

"It's not."

"That's what I said. I said he has to want to leave that life, come back with me, and he didn't. He doesn't. He won't tell his fiancée."

"That sucks, Rory."

"I don't want to marry him," Rory says, tears falling freely now. "I don't love him, it's just - I don't have anyone."

"That's not true."

"Yes it is. I know I have family and friends, and it could be so much worse, but I don't have a partner. And Mom has Luke and April has a boyfriend and even Davey has a girlfriend, or whatever that means when you're thirteen, and it just - seeing Mom and Luke made me sad. I feel so lonely, Jess. Everyone has someone."

"I don't," Jess says gently and Rory shakes her head.

"I know, but you're not pregnant."

Jess nods and Rory groans, closing her eyes.

"I feel like such a screwup. I don't want to be someone who feels like they've failed because they don't have a partner, but I feel awful, Jess. I did everything wrong. I've got to tell my grandmother next week and she's going to kill me."

"She'll get over it."

"No, she won't. She's Emily Gilmore. If I tell her I'll be seeing my grandfather again a lot sooner than expected, or she will. If she doesn't kill me she'll die from shock."

"It'll be okay."

"No, it won't. She'll be so upset. She'll hate me - I got pregnant, like Mom, and I'm not getting married, like Mom. That's how she'll see it."

"She won't hate you," Jess says. "She'll be mad, but she'll deal with it. You're going to give her a great-grandchild."

"In the worst way possible."

"It will be okay," Jess says seriously, looking in her eyes. "I promise."

"I don't know why I decided to do this," Rory says frantically. "What do I know about being a mother? I was going to have an abortion, and then I just didn't want to. I didn't have a reason, I just pictured having the baby and it felt okay. I wanted to have it. I don't know what I was thinking. What if I can't do it?"

"You can do it."

"I had my ultrasound," Rory says. "You know how that's supposed to be the magical moment where you love your kid? I felt emotional, seeing it, but I don't feel like that. I don't feel like I know it. I just feel scared, and it's all too late, and I don't know what I'm doing."

She looks away as more tears fall down her cheeks and Jess takes her hand.

"Rory, you're going to be a good mother."

"How do you know?"

"Because I know you. And everyone's going to help."

"I want to love my kid," Rory sobs. "But I'm scared that it won't happen."

"I know you will."

"What if -"

"Rory, if you can't do it other people can. It'll be okay."

Rory shakes her head, guilt throbbing in her chest.

"I've already let it down - its father wants to keep it secret."

"That was Logan, not you."

"I got pregnant in such a bad way. What am I going to tell it when it asks me who its father is? What if Logan never comes to see the baby? I know how horrible that feels, my dad was hardly there."

"Your baby is going to be okay," Jess says firmly. "I swear. It doesn't need Logan in its life. Look, we both have crappy fathers, and we're both okay."

"One of us is."

Jess looks at Rory and asks,

"How's the book going?"

"I haven't been writing it."

"Why not?"

"I haven't felt inspired. What's the point? I won't have time when the baby's born."

"So write it now."

"I can't write it now. When I try, I can't think."

"You've got a writing block. You'll get past it."

Rory shrugs and Jess clasps her other hand.

"Don't give up."

Rory looks in his eyes and, for a moment, everything stops. His eyes are warm and comforting, yet fill her with a strange spark of excitement. Rory opens her mouth but before she can say anything a gust of wind bangs the icy pane. They both jump and Jess lets go.

"You know, it's too bad I can't drink," Rory says, laughing. "The scotch is still in the drawer."

"Ah, you're too young to turn into Dorothy Parker," Jess teases. Rory smiles and then says quietly,

"When I was a kid I knew how my life was going to be. I thought if I had kids it would be in the typical way, you know? I used to think thirty was really old and I'd have my kids by then. And then when I got older, I thought maybe a little later - but it would be in a normal way."

"Life isn't normal," Jess says simply. "You just have to work with what it throws at you."

"I'm not very good at catching."

"You'll figure it out," Jess says. Rory smiles and he gets up.

"Come on."

"You think we should head back?"

"Let's make a detour first."

Fastening her coat, Rory steps outside. Slipping slightly on the ice, Jess catches her arm and they laugh as they make their way down the street.

"Where are we going?" Rory asks. "We're walking away from the stores, and Luke and Taylor closed up early."

"Just trust me."

Jess stops in the town square and turns to Rory, making a bow.

"Can I offer a doughnut and hot chocolate?"

Beside him is a small van and Jess says,

"They had a market earlier, I saw when I drove past. It was too icy for them to drive the van back, which I know as they yelled at me for being a damn fool for staying in my car."

"What did you say?"

"That I like living on the edge."

Rory grins and Jess gets the door open. A few moments later he emerges with two doughnuts and a cup of hot chocolate.

"How is it?"

"Still warm. Thanks, Jess."

"I hope it's not too old," Jess says and Rory laughs.

"It wasn't here yesterday, and I didn't see it this afternoon. It's fine."

"I left them some money anyway."

"I hope you tipped."

"I was very generous."

Rory smiles as Jess bites into his doughnut.

"How is it?"

"Hot," he says, fanning his mouth. "Definitely more than warm."

"You've got sugar on your nose," Rory laughs. "Leave it for Paul Anka."

"What?"

"Never mind - here."

Rory reaches up, brushing it off, and Jess chuckles.

"I'm amazed you didn't eat it. Aren't you and Lorelai made out of sugar?"

"Rumour has it," Rory jokes. She eats the last of her doughnut in three bites and washes it down with the hot chocolate. "Come on, we'd better go back. Mom and Luke will wonder where we are."

"And this time you didn't tell me to turn right."

"That only works once."

"Is that so?"

Jess is grinning and Rory feels her face redden. Hastily she turns to a trashcan, throwing away the paper cup and napkin, and focuses on tucking her hair behind her ears. Jess waits and they walk in silence back to the house.

"Hey, where were you guys?" Lorelai calls and Jess answers for Rory,

"Just taking a walk."

"I wanted some fresh air," Rory tells her. Lorelai nods and says,

"There's coffee in the pot if you want it."

"Coffee after hot chocolate?" Jess whispers and Rory grins.

"Sounds good to me."

She grabs the pot and Jess pauses. Looking up, Rory sees him staring at the ultrasound picture on the refrigerator.

"Oh," she says quietly. "Yeah."

"Very cool."

"You think?"

"Absolutely," Jess says, looking at her. "It looks smart already."

"How can you tell that?" Rory laughs and Jess smiles.

"Because it's yours."

"Thanks," Rory says quietly. She doesn't know how to say it, but carefully she tells him,

"And thanks for - thanks for now."

"You're welcome," Jess says gently. They look at each other and then Lorelai yells,

"Come on guys, we're just about to start the movie! Rory, grab the marshmallows!"

"I guess that's our cue," Rory laughs and Jess nods.

"After you."

Picking up the marshmallows, Rory goes into the living room. She sits next to Lorelai, Jess next to Luke, and although the movie is an old favourite, Rory's focus is away and caught up in a different kind of happiness. A strange excitement flutters inside and she sits back, glad she doesn't have to explain her smile.


	7. Chapter 7

**Thanks for the feedback! Seasonal greetings, everyone!**

On Christmas morning Rory wakes up early. She opens her eyes, disorientated, then remembers where she is and gets up. Rubbing her eyes, she pushes open the door and goes to the kitchen, making a cup of coffee. Sipping it, she pads into the living room and jumps. Jess is lying on the couch and sits up as she approaches.

"Hi," Rory says awkwardly and Jess says,

"Morning. To you and Mr Peanuts."

Rory's cheeks turn a deep pink. Last night she'd put on the old pair of pyjamas from her drawer, not thinking anyone would see them. She'd completely forgot about Jess being there this morning.

"Oh, yeah," Rory says, trying to laugh. "I haven't worn these in years."

"They're very cute."

"Why thank you."

"I can't say the same for this," Jess says, tugging at the grey T-shirt he's wearing and Rory smiles.

"It's a lot more dignified though."

"No one looks dignified when they wake up."

"Some look less stupid than others."

"I'd say you look more festive. Merry Christmas, Rory."

"Thanks," Rory says. She'd forgotten that too. "Merry Christmas, Jess."

They smile at each other and Rory offers,

"There's a ton of coffee left if you want some."

"I'll take you up on that." Jess pushes the blanket away, pulling up his sweatpants as he stands, and Rory feels herself blush. She leads the way to the kitchen and allows Jess to top up her cup.

"Did you sleep well?" he asks and Rory shrugs.

"I guess. I didn't wake up at all. What about you? Was the couch okay?"

"Couch was fine. I woke up to get some water but I don't think you heard. I tried to be quiet."

"I didn't hear a thing."

They smile at each other and then jump as Lorelai loudly says,

"Hey guys, Merry Christmas!"

The rest of the morning is taken up by Luke cooking a large breakfast which even Lorelai struggles with. Rory finishes first, excusing herself to take a shower.

"Pregnant ladies first," Lorelai sighs. "Try not to use all the hot water, okay?"

"I promise to leave plenty."

"Yeah, yeah. Go on."

Rory hurries to her room, grabbing a towel. She's glad to change out of the embarrassing pyjamas and strips, stepping into the shower with relief. It's only when she's done, wrapping the towel around herself that Rory remembers that she is due six months today. Slowly, she unwraps the towel and stares down at herself. She can't see any difference. It's bizarre to think that in a six months she'll have grown a baby, when her body looks the same. And then she'll have to give birth to it. Rory swallows and then jumps as there's a knock on the door.

"Just a second!" she calls. Tightening the towel around her, she opens the door and then jumps. Jess is standing there, and he ducks his eyes as he says,

"Sorry, your mom just wanted to ask if you wanted French toast. Luke's making some."

"French toast. Sure."

"Okay, I'll tell her."

Rory grips her towel tightly and says awkwardly,

"I've been in here forever, I'm sorry. I'm done now, and I swear there's still hot water."

Jess laughs at that and says,

"I'll tell your mom that too."

"Thanks."

Rory knows her face is red as Jess walks away. Watching his back retreat, she picks up her pyjamas and runs to her bedroom, hastily tugging on a red dress with sparkles on the sleeves. It looks Christmassy, enough, she thinks, but Lorelai still tells her off for not wearing her Christmas sweater. When everyone's showered, and Rory's put her sweater on over her dress, they gather around the small tree to open the gifts, munching the French toast.

Rory feels sorry that her presents are small this year, but her mother seems thrilled with her makeup and vouchers. Rory's given Luke some beer and a fishing hooks and Jess vouchers for Barnes and Noble, and a new notebook.

"Sorry it's kind of generic," she says apologetically. "I didn't know if - I thought this way you could pick out a book you really wanted."

"It's perfect," Jess says seriously. "Thank you."

Most of Rory's gifts are practical things, such as baby clothes and toys, and she is pleasantly surprised when she opens Lorelai's present of a blue, flared dress.

"Enjoy it," her mother tells her. "Before and after the baby comes - I want you to wear it as much as you can. You need cute things, too."

"Thanks, Mom," Rory says, admiring it. She puts the dress down and goes to hug her mother, kissing her cheek. Rory folds the dress up and Jess hands her his gift.

"Here. Merry Christmas."

Rory smiles, takes it and unwraps it. Inside is a notebook, only heavier than the one she gave him, and a set of pens.

"Oh, Jess, I love it!"

"For you to take notes," Jess says. "If the computer glitches or something."

"It's wonderful." Rory doesn't know what else to say but she turns the book over and over in her hands. The cover is dark gold, with an intricate pattern of overlapping lines. It's made out of something soft, like leather, but the pages are edged with gold too, and Jess has tied a blue ribbon around the book. The pens are oldfashioned fountain ones, but Jess has thrown in a simple ballpoint one, which he says is for practicality.

After the gifts Luke insists on starting to cook dinner, and ruthlessly takes away the snacks.

"You won't have an appetite if you eat them!"

"Oh Luke, how little you know me!" Lorelai cries as he ignores her. "How little you know us!"

Luke's response is to loudly fill the pans with water and Lorelai grins, taking a bag of candycanes from behind the tree.

"Secret stash."

She hands one to Jess and Rory just as the phone rings. It's Emily, and Rory tries to stay calm as she takes the phone after Lorelai.

"Hey, Grandma."

"Hello, Rory. Merry Christmas. Are you having a good day?"

"I'm having a great day, Grandma. How about you?"

"Oh, it's lovely. Berta cooked us a fabulous dinner and now the children are outside playing some kind of game. I don't understand any of it but they seem to be having fun."

"Why don't you go and join them?" Rory teases and Emily sighs.

"I think I'll pass, thank you. Old bones and all that. What have you got for Christmas?"

"Oh, good things," Rory says stupidly. "Mom got me a dress. It's blue."

"How nice. What else?"

"Jess gave me a notebook."

"A notebook? What, were they out of tote bags this year?"

"Grandma, it's beautiful."

"Hm," Emily says disdainfully. "Well, please tell me you got some real gifts."

"Everything I got was fine," Rory says shortly. "I'm looking forward to seeing you next week, Grandma."

"And I you, Rory. Enjoy the rest of your day. Is your stepfather there?"

"No," Rory says as Lorelai emphatically shakes her head. "But here's Mom."

"Rory!" Lorelai hisses as she takes it. "That was supposed to mean don't give the phone back!"

"But she asked for Luke, I thought that's what you meant!"

"You know it means us both! Oh, hey Mom. Yeah, Rory's gone now. Yeah, she's fine..."

Rory slips outside and Jess follows her, their breaths emitting little clouds in the air.

"That was evasive," Jess remarks and Rory gives a guilty sigh.

"I can't tell her on the phone."

"Right."

"Luke's kicking us out," Lorelai says, putting the phone away and walking over to them. "He says he can't cook with us yammering. What do you say we go for a walk?"

"Sounds good to me," Jess says and Rory nods.

"Come on then, daughter and nephew of mine," Lorelai says. "Get your coats and let's go. I can't get over calling you my nephew, Jess."

"Whatever you say, Aunt Lorelai."

"Oh, now don't mock!"

The walk around town is brief. Everyone stops either to ask after the father of Rory's baby or to remind Jess he's a punk, and Rory feels dizzy by the time they sit down to dinner. She dutifully eats everything on her plate, despite her stomach's protest, but thankfully nothing comes back up. After dinner Jess says he should be thinking about going back. Lorelai talks him into staying for a little longer, and Jess agrees without duress. Rory's stomach gives a warning grumble and she manages to say,

"I'm just going to get some air - I'll be back in a sec."

Standing outside, she takes deep, cool breaths and feels herself calm. Her stomach settles back down and Rory looks around as the door opens. Jess has joined her and says,

"Hey. You alright?"

"Yeah. Just felt a little nauseous - it's gross, I know."

"All part of it."

"Lucky me, huh?"

Jess smiles but he looks uncertain and Rory says,

"What's up?"

"Come with me to the car," Jess says. "I've got something for you."

Puzzled, Rory follows him over, and watches Jess open the trunk. He emerges with a heavy, wrapped gift and Rory exclaims,

"Jess, you already gave me my present!"

"I know. It's for the baby - both of you, I guess. I didn't know if you'd want it now, so I didn't put it with the other stuff. You don't have to open it yet, if you're sick of baby stuff."

"Not at all. This is great of you."

Jess carries the gift back to the porch and hands it to Rory. Sitting down, she tears the paper off and gasps. On her lap is a stack of children's classics.

"You can read them to the baby," Jess says hesitantly. "Or she can read them, or him, when they're older."

"Oh - Jess!"

"I think books are a good start in life."

Flicking through, Rory sees some dark pen and laughs out loud.

"You put notes in the margins!"

"Is that okay?"

"Is that - Jess, it's the best gift I could have asked for. I love it. Thank you so much."

Jess smiles shyly, nodding. Placing the books beside her, Rory gets up and throws her arms around him, hugging Jess to her.

"Thank you," she says again and then, catching herself, steps back. "Sorry."

"Sorry for what?" Jess asks. Before Rory can answer there's a call inside of,

"Rory? Jess? Where are you guys?"

"Coming, Mom!" Rory calls. Picking up the pile of books, she goes back inside. Lorelai and Luke are focusing on the TV, trying to pick a movie, and wordlessly, Rory slips into her room and puts the books on the desk. When she comes out Jess says,

"Guys, it's starting to get dark. I'd better head back."

"Be careful of ice," Luke says, hugging his nephew goodbye. "Merry Christmas, Jess."

"You too, Luke."

"Merry Christmas," Lorelai says to him and, with a twinkle in his eye, Jess says,

"Merry Christmas, Aunt Lorelai."

"You're going to milk that for all it's worth, aren't you?" Lorelai asks and Jess quips,

"Until they need a new cow."

Lorelai rolls her eyes but she grins and says,

"Oh, sure. Drive safe, okay?"

"I will."

Stepping away, Jess turns to Rory and hesitates for a moment before saying,

"Bye, Rory. Merry Christmas."

"Bye, Jess. Thanks for the gifts. They were perfect."

Jess smiles, says goodbye once more, and gets his coat. Rory waits a moment, and when her mother and stepfather have turned back to the TV, hurries out and says,

"Thanks again, Jess. I love it all so much."

"You're welcome," Jess says. They look at each other and this time it's Jess who hugs her to him. It's only for a moment but Rory smiles as they step back and says,

"Drive safe, okay?"

"I've got that message pretty clear."

"You know," Rory says, "I'm due six months today."

"You are?" Jess asks. Rory nods, not sure how to feel, and laughs in surprise as Jess says,

"Better start practising that reading voice."

"Yeah, I'd better."

"Right," Jess says. He smiles once more, waves, steps into the car and drives off. Rory waits for his lights to disappear and hugs her arms to herself. It's far too cold.

When she goes back in Luke and Lorelai are still debating. Picking up another candycane, Rory goes into her room. Next to the pile of books is the notebook Jess gave her and, lifting it up, Rory can feel something under the cover. Taking the ribbon off, she gasps as a small green bracelet falls out. On the flyleaf a message is written and Rory reads,

 _Rory,_

 _I wanted you to have something for yourself. You can do this. The story's already in you._

Smiling, Rory slips the bracelet on her wrist and exits her bedroom. As she steps into the kitchen, she sees Lorelai go out the back and Rory follows.

"Mom? What are you doing out here?"

"Hey," Lorelai says, turning to see her daughter. "I just wanted some fresh air. Luke's getting the movie ready."

"You're trusting him with the remote?"

"I threatened to delete his fishing documentary if he touched my lifetime dramas."

Rory laughs and Lorelai lifts up Rory's arm.

"Pretty. What's this?"

"It was with the notebook Jess gave me."

"Wow, it's beautiful."

"Yeah. He gave me books, too. For the baby."

"That's very nice of him."

Lorelai's voice is odd but she puts an arm around her daughter. Silently, they look at the stars, until Rory says,

"It's six months, Mom."

"I know, angel," Lorelai says gently. "I know."

Waiting to be called back in, they stand together, staring at the Christmas sky.

 **I'd like to thank doctor-molly-hooper-holmes** **on tumblr for the inspiration with Jess's books gift!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Thanks for the feedback!**

The following Saturday, Rory goes to Nantucket. She pauses several times on the way to throw up, unable to tell if it's from nerves or just being pregnant, and takes in deep breaths of the salty air before knocking on her grandmother's door. Seconds later, the door is flung open and Emily cries,

"Hello, Rory!"

"Hey. Grandma," Rory says, laughing a little. Her grandmother is beaming, dressed in black pants, a navy shirt and boat shoes and says,

"So how do you like the new look?"

"I'm surprised you're not in jeans."

"I can't go that far yet. This outfit is terribly practical. It's what I usually wear to work, but the museum is closed for winter. Perhaps you can see me in action next time."

"I'd like that," Rory says quietly. Still smiling, her grandmother gestures for Rory to go in and closes the door.

"Well, what do you think? The Sandcastle!"

"I love it," Rory says sincerely. "It looks fantastic, Grandma."

"Thank you," Emily says proudly. The house is simple yet stylish, bright with large windows and pictures of lighthouses on the walls. In the corner is a portrait of Richard, and Rory kisses her hand, reaching over to touch her grandfather's face.

"Hey, Grandpa."

"He would have loved it here," Emily says. "He did love it here - on our vacations - but he would have loved this too, I think."

"I know he would."

The two smile and, after a moment, Emily asks,

"Well, how about some coffee?"

"That sounds great, Grandma."

Rory follows her grandmother into the kitchen but her grandmother waves her away.

"Go and sit down, Rory. You must be tired."

"I am," Rory says truthfully. Settling on the couch, she smooths a hand over her pants and tries to smile when Emily hands her her cup.

"Thanks."

"It's been far too long," Emily says. "I missed you after the wedding."

"I'm sorry I left in such a rush."

"That's fine, Rory. Your mother said you had to leave."

"I wanted to say goodbye."

"I know. It's such a shame you can't stay for longer. I'm going to have a little new year's celebration with everyone. Berta and the family will be back later - they've taken the day to go out. Your mother will have lots of stories, I'm sure. You know she's staying for a whole week."

"Yes, I know."

"That was our agreement," Emily smiles.

"Did you have a good Christmas? Was it weird, not being in the old house?"

"A little," Emily says thoughtfully. "But it's not home without your grandfather. I feel that he's more here than in that house. We used to love coming here."

Rory nods, taking more sips of her coffee to build up her words. Finally she says,

"I have something to tell you."

"To tell me?"

Emily looks over the rim of her cup and Rory takes a deep breath.

"Grandma," she says haltingly, "I'm going to have a baby."

Emily stares at her for a moment and then says,

"Excuse me?"

"I'm pregnant," Rory says, feeling her legs beginning to tremble. "I'm expecting a baby."

"I know what _pregnant_ means," Emily snaps. "I'm having a little trouble with the fact of it. Who's the father of this child?"

Rory looks away and Emily says loudly,

"Tell me, Rory!"

"Logan Huntzberger," Rory says quietly. She can feel her grandmother's eyes boring on her and when she dares look up they are wide with shock.

"Logan Huntzberger? But you broke up years ago!"

"I know."

"Shira told me he's engaged to a French heiress."

"He is."

"He -" Emily stops short and purses her lips. Her silence is worse than words. Rory opens her mouth and closes it, not having a clue of what to say, but her grandmother states,

"So that wedding's off. He'll be marrying you instead. Well, I simply do not know what to say. I wanted you two to get married, but lord knows, not like this."

"Grandma, we're not getting married."

Emily stands up, thunking her cup down so hard coffee spills everywhere.

"Not this again. I said this to your mother and I will say this to you - a child needs a mother and a father. When you get pregnant, you get married. You need to do what's best for this baby, and if marrying Logan wasn't in your plans that's just too bad. You should have thought of that before jumping into bed with him when he was engaged to somebody else!"

"I am doing what's best for the baby!" Rory cries. "A child needs parents who love each other! We don't love each other, Grandma! I can't raise a kid in a marriage like that!"

"Marriages like that have existed since the dawn of time, young lady. You learn to love each other."

"I don't want to learn to love Logan!"

"So what's the alternative?" Emily demands. "You having this baby like a dirty secret while he marries this other woman and has children with her? Raising it in New _York_ , for heaven's sake? No, Rory. You go and talk to him and insist he marry you. If he says no, I'll have a word with his father."

"Don't you dare tell Mitchum! Or Shira!"

"He needs to marry you," Emily insists. "Make him see that."

"I've already talked to him. We've already decided."

"Already decided? What does that mean?"

"He said we could get married and I said no."

Emily stares at her but Rory's gaze is firm. Eventually, Emily says,

"How in the world could you be so stupid? Go back and tell him your hormones were acting up. Men are terrified of pregnancy, he won't ask further. Say you do want to get married after all and fix it. We'll find a date before you start showing."

"Grandma, I'm not marrying Logan. He doesn't want to know the baby. He didn't even take the picture from my ultrasound."

"It just doesn't seem real to him yet," Emily says determinedly. "When he's holding his baby he'll love it. That's how it should be. I knew you were meant to be together, years ago, and I always thought breaking up was a damned shame. Well, this is a damned shame but it can still work out. Logan will want to be a father, and be with you. He just needs a push."

"What if he doesn't?" Rory retorts. "What if he feels stifled and mad and doesn't care? I asked him, Grandma. I asked if he wanted to leave London and his fiancée and start over and he said no. He doesn't want to be part of it."

Emily is silent for a moment and finally says,

"He'll come around."

"I don't want him to," Rory says. "I'm sorry Grandma, but we don't love each other. I can't get married just because I'm pregnant."

"It's the right thing to do!"

"No, it's not! How is raising a kid in a loveless environment the right thing to do?"

"You learn to love each other," Emily says angrily. "You work at it. That's what marriage is. I didn't always like your grandfather and I know there were days where he was furious with me, but we loved each other. We were partners. You're old enough to know it's not like in movies. You don't stay starryeyed forever. You have to be willing to make it work."

"But you have to want to," Rory says, voice shaking. "I don't want to, and neither does Logan. What's best for the baby is its parents loving it. Not its parents fighting all the time because they got married because of it. Logan and I care about each other, and that's enough."

"No, young lady, it is not enough!"

"I'm doing it alone," Rory says forcefully. "It's due in June and Mom's going to help me. I'm sorry, but I'm not getting married."

"You'll regret it."

"Mom didn't."

"Your mother was sixteen. I disagreed with her, but she was awfully young. She had time."

"What does that mean?"

"You know what that means!" Emily snaps. "You'll be so busy raising your child you won't have any time for the other things! You're thirty-two, Rory. When the child is grown it'll be too late!"

"I'm not a piece of food, Grandma!"

"It's going to be hard and you're making it harder for yourself. With no reason. Logan is willing to get married. Why on earth can't you see sense?"

"I know you're disappointed."

" _Disappointed_?" Emily shouts. "Disa - I don't believe this of you, Rory. You were always such an intelligent girl. You went to Chilton, you went to Yale, you were getting published for a while and now this? Sleeping with your college boyfriend while he's engaged to somebody else? What is this, a French novel? And then you weren't even careful enough not to get pregnant!"

"It just happened."

"No, it didn't just happen. You decided to do this with him. Why?"

Rory bites her lip and Emily demands,

"Why? Tell me why you decided to do this?"

"I had a bad a year," Rory says slowly. "I bumped into Logan in Hamburg, and I was so sad and he made me happy. I was so sad, Grandma, when Grandpa died, that -"

"No!" Emily shouts. "Don't you dare bring your grandfather into this!"

"I'm not blaming him, I just mean -"

"Your grandfather would never have stood for this," Emily says, eyes flashing. "He adored you, you were everything to him, and this would have devastated him beyond belief. I'm glad he's not here to see this. He would be disgusted with you."

Rory sucks in her breath, feeling as though she's been slapped. Her eyes fill with tears and Emily turns, walking away to one of the windows and crossing her arms.

"I'm sorry," Rory says. Her voice is barely more than a whisper but she says again, "I'm sorry, Grandma."

"Rory, I think you'd better leave," Emily says, not looking back. "I think it's best."

Wordlessly, Rory gets to her feet and picks up her things. When she reaches the door, she looks back, but Emily is still frozen at the pane.

"I'm sorry," Rory says again but there's no word from her grandmother. Quietly, Rory exits the house and walks back down to the sea. There's a bitter wind, whipping her tears away. Rory stares out at the ocean but can't say the words. _I'm sorry, Grandpa. I'm sorry._


	9. Chapter 9

**Thanks for the feedback! I think Emily has mellowed but that would be her automatic reaction. Warning that this chapter discusses recreational drugs**

Rory is not long back when her cellphone rings. It's her mother, and Rory's voice is tired as she says,

"Hey."

"Hi," Lorelai says, concerned. "What's wrong?"

"I told Grandma about me."

"And it didn't go well," Lorelai says sympathetically and Rory takes a ragged breath.

"It went worse. She was so mad, Mom. She never wants to see me again."

"Did she say that?"

"May as well have. She was furious."

"She'll come round," Lorelai says gently. "It was just the shock."

"Hey, you know how long your mother can hold a grudge!"

"I promise she won't be mad forever," Lorelai says and then, after Rory's laugh, "Well, she'll be less mad. She loves you."

"She doesn't love me so much now."

"Rory, she loves you," Lorelai says firmly. "And I know how hurt she is - I'm pretty sure we had a similar speech - but you're still her granddaughter. Give her some time."

"You weren't there, Mom. She said -"

Rory can't get the words out and Lorelai asks,

"What?"

"Nothing. She was just so angry."

"I know Mom is tough," Lorelai tells her. "And I'm sure next week is going to be a treat for me, but give it time."

"How much?"

"Well, I'm not the best example, but she'll come round."

"Yeah," Rory says quietly and Lorelai says,

"Angel, do you want to come here tonight? There's a New Year's party in the square, it could be fun."

"I don't think I'm in the mood for a party."

"Well, we can just hang out at home."

"Thanks, but it's okay," Rory says in a small voice. "I'm pretty tired, Mom. It took hours to get home. I don't think I can drive down."

"Let me come to you then," Lorelai says. "I don't want you spending New Year's all on your own."

"It's fine, Mom. I just want to go to bed. You go to the square party, tell me the gossip."

"I'd much rather be with you."

"Mom, I won't be good company. I don't think I'll even make it to midnight."

There's an uncertain pause and Rory says cheerfully,

"I'm fine, I promise. I want you to go to the party and have fun. Send me pictures."

"If you're sure," Lorelai says eventually. "Call me if you change your mind."

"I will. Love you, Mom."

"You too. And I mean it about Emily. Give her time."

"I know. Goodnight, Mom."

"Night, Rory. I'll say Happy New Year now."

"Yeah. Happy New Year!"

Rory's voice is bright but a heavy sadness settles as she hangs up. She makes a meal of microwave mac and cheese, eating it slowly with a lifetime movie on in the background. Her grandmother's words echo over and over in her mind and, before she knows it, tears start streaming down Rory's cheeks. Grabbing some Kleenex, she wipes them away to no avail. Loneliness aches in her chest, but Rory can't face the idea of driving to Stars Hollow, nor does she want to see Lorelai. She can't bear telling her, relaying the words and pretending she's okay, and as sounds of early parties start outside more tears fall. Rory turns her cellphone over and over in her hands and finally calls her friend.

The phone only rings a few times before Jess picks up.

"Hey," he says. He sounds surprised but happy and Rory says,

"Hey, Jess."

"Everything okay?"

Rory opens her mouth to confirm it is but finds herself saying,

"No."

"What's wrong?"

"I - I had a really awful day," Rory says. She can feel herself start to cry again against her will and Jess asks,

"What is it, what happened? Are you okay? Is it the baby?"

"No, it's not - I'm fine, the baby's fine. I had a fight with my grandma. It was awful."

"I'm coming over."

"You don't have to do that," Rory says and Jess replies,

"I know I don't have to. I want to."

"But it's New Year's," Rory says. "Don't you have plans?"

"Nothing I want to do. Do you want me to come over?"

"Yes," Rory admits, wiping her eyes. "I want you to come over."

"Already on my way."

"Thanks," Rory whispers as he hangs up. Putting the phone away, she goes to shower, changing into jeans and a lacy blue top. Jess won't get there for a while, but she still can't settle, tidying the apartment as best she can and flicking from one TV channel to the next. She's finally settled on reading one of her pregnancy books when her intercom buzzes, making her jump.

"It's me," Jess says and Rory lets him in, taking deep breaths as she waits. She feels somewhat awkward now, but when Jess comes in all Rory feels is gladness.

"Hey," she says and Jess smiles, taking his coat off and putting his bag down.

"Hey, Rory. I came as fast as I could."

"And you beat the estimate."

"I dodged most of the traffic."

They smile again but when Jess asks,

"So what's up?" Rory feels her happiness fade.

"I went to see Grandma," she says, following Jess to the couch where they sit down. "And I told her about being pregnant."

"I take it she wasn't thrilled."

"Understatement," Rory says, trying to laugh. "She was so mad. It was how I thought it would be, only worse. She won't accept me not marrying Logan. She asked me to leave."

Jess doesn't say anything but looks at her gently and Rory says haltingly,

"She said - she said my grandfather would be disgusted with me."

Rory ducks her eyes as she starts to cry and Jess says firmly,

"She didn't mean it."

"Yes she did," Rory sobs. "She did mean it. And I love my grandpa so much, Jess, and I miss him, and now I think - she was probably right, he'd hate me."

"Impossible."

"He'd be so disappointed."

"Rory, listen," Jess says, moving to look into her eyes. "Your grandmother's mad and upset, and she said that stuff to hurt you, but she didn't mean a lot of it."

"She was pretty convincing."

"She was angry. She'll come round. And your grandfather could never hate you."

"How do you know?" Rory asks, sniffling. "You never met him."

"No, but you talked about him all the time. He loved you, and your grandmother loves you. Family say a lot of crap when they're hurt. Your grandmother wants you to be happy."

"She thinks the only way for that is to marry Logan."

"Maybe that's what she thinks now, but she'll see you're better without him."

"But what if I'm not happy?" Rory demands, lifting her face. "She's right, it's going to be really hard, and I don't want to get married, but some of that would make it easier."

"You know that's not what you want. Being married to the wrong person makes it worse. My mom always got married - she married my dad, when she found out she was pregnant. She thought we could be a big, happy family. He walked out on us. He didn't even stay to take me home from the hospital."

"But -"

"But even when it lasted longer, with other guys, it never worked out. Liz would be more hurt because she'd wanted it to work so much, and the guys were always jerks. Maybe Logan wouldn't walk out, or hurt you, but you'd both be miserable. You know it, Rory."

"Yeah," Rory says slowly. "I know. I know that, even as she said it, but it's hard."

"I know," Jess says gently and Rory clenches her fists in her lap.

"I've let her down and I've let my grandfather down. I was always able to go to him, Jess, no matter what, and he'd always listen. He'd always look after me. He'd be so hurt by this, and it's all my fault, and I can't stand letting him down."

A fresh flow of tears starts from Rory's eyes and Jess puts his arm around her.

"Hey. He'd still love you."

"I miss him," Rory cries. "I miss him so much."

"I know. I know you do."

"What am I going to do?" Rory sobs. "I feel like every decision I make is the wrong one. And I got you to drive all the way out there and now look at this."

"What?"

"I can't stop crying and spilling all this stuff and it's New Year's eve, and you should be out having fun, and you're listening to me, and I feel so pathetic, and I'm just - I'm sorry, Jess. I'm sorry."

"Rory, you're not pathetic and I hate New Year's parties. I'd much sooner be here with you, so you did me a favour."

"You're just saying that," Rory says, wiping her eyes and Jess shakes his head.

"No, I'm not. Here -"

Getting up, he goes to his bag and takes out a bottle. It looks like pink wine and Rory asks,

"What is that?"

"Sparkling cordial. Not exactly alcohol but don't they advise getting high on life?"

Rory laughs and Jess says,

"Want to try some?"

"Why not?" Rory grins. Going to the cupboard, she takes two small glasses and passes on to Jess. Holding hers out, he pours a small shot and Rory throws it back.

"Well?"

"Note to self, shots of carbonated liquid are a bad plan," Rory says, covering her mouth as she burps. Jess laughs and she adds,

"But it tastes okay."

"I don't think it deserves such a fancy bottle," Jess says, drinking some and wrinkling his nose. "It's fine but it's hardly king of soft drinks."

"And what is?"

"I don't know, I haven't measured it. What do you think?"

"I can tell you it's Taylor's cold egg cream. At least, that's what the sign says outside the soda shoppe."

"I don't think I'm going to test that theory."

"Neither am I."

Grinning, they drink some more and Jess puts his glass down.

"Want to play a game?"

"A game?"

"Yeah. It's New Year's, you're supposed to play drinking games."

"With sparkling cordial?"

"There's no rule that it has to be alcoholic. Come on, it'll be fun."

"What kind of game?" Rory asks dubiously. "I'm not playing anything which involves stripping."

"Rory Gilmore, you have a filthy mind. How about Truth?"

"What's that?"

"You know, where you ask a question and if the person's done it, they have to drink. Traditionally, it's Truth or Dare, but I feel kind of old to be egging cars."

"Is that so?" Rory grins. "Okay, you're on, Mariano."

"Call it," Jess says, taking a penny from his pocket. As it flips in the air Rory shouts,

"Heads!" and laughs when it lands.

"Ha, I get to start. Okay. Have you ever smoked anything ever than cigarettes?"

"I smoked a joint once," Jess says, drinking. "When I lived in New York."

"Yeah? How was it?"

"Just made me hungry. Not the excitement they promised. Still, the guys who lived in my apartment smoked it a lot so I probably got stoned just by breathing the air."

Rory laughs and Jess points a finger.

"Have you?"

"Hey, you're stealing my question!"

"Still a question you have to answer."

"A couple of times with Logan, Colin and Finn, but I wasn't a fan," Rory says. "I never did anything other than that."

She sips from her glass and says,

"Have you ever kissed a stranger?"

"I don't know if I'd call them strangers," Jess says. "I used to kiss girls I kind of knew from hanging out in New York, and sometimes sleep with them, but I didn't see them again. Do I have to drink?"

"You get a pass," Rory says and Jess stares at her.

"Why are you blushing?"

"No reason."

"It's because you've kissed a stranger."

Rory shrugs, knowing her face is scarlet and Jess exclaims,

"Rory Gilmore, have you had a one night stand?"

Without answering, Rory concentrates on swallowing the liquid in her glass and Jess laughs in disbelief.

"No way. When?"

"Last spring."

"With who?"

"Hey, it's supposed to be my turn now," Rory says weakly and Jess says,

"Come on, you have to tell the story. Who's the guy?"

"It was so dumb," Rory says, laughing in spite of herself. "I was doing a piece on lines - you know, where people line up for stuff - here in New York. Mom had gone back to the hotel and I was in line for collectables. I made friends with a group and got talking to this one guy, in a Wookiee costume -"

"A Wookiee costume?"

"Shut up. And he was nice, and we started drinking and talking and we went back to his place and, well, I ended up having sex with him."

"You mean you took Millennium Falcon."

"Don't you dare!" Rory shouts, but she still laughs. "I was so embarrassed. Thirty-two and that was my first one night stand."

"And last?"

"Of course it was my last! Well, I don't plan on any more. He fell asleep and I got dressed and snuck out. Finally got to do that walk of shame everyone talks about."

"How was it?"

"Weird."

"What did your mom say?"

"Asked if he kept the costume on."

Rory feels her face turn even redder as Jess chuckles.

"Do I get to hear the answer?"

"No, you do not."

Jess laughs and laughs and Rory says loudly,

"Okay, okay. Can we move on, please? It's my turn!"

"Go ahead," Jess says, wiping his eyes and Rory says,

"Did you have sex before you came to Stars Hollow?"

"Oh, you're setting me up," Jess groans, drinking. "You knew that before you asked."

"You never confirmed it."

"You knew."

"Maybe. So who'd you first sleep with?"

"Hey, that's not in the game."

"Jess Mariano, you just got me to tell you about my one night stand. I get to ask how you lost your virginity."

"It's not such a thrilling tale."

"Well, I'm all ears."

"It was with a waitress, when I was sixteen," Jess says. "Not very romantic."

"Who was she?"

"She worked near my apartment that summer, she was in her twenties. We used to share cigarettes, when she was on her break, and one time she asked if I wanted to go to her apartment. I did and we ended up having sex. Didn't go too well."

"Dare I ask?"

"Let's just say it wasn't longlived."

Rory laughs loudly and Jess shakes his head.

"Stop, you're hurting my self esteem."

"Oh, I'm sure you've improved," Rory teases. Jess grins and, embarrassed, Rory asks,

"So what was her name?"

"Maggie. What was the Wookie's name?"

"I can't remember," Rory admits. She looks at Jess and they both fall into laughter again.

"I say this is better than wine," Jess says, when he's recovered, and Rory remarks,

"Well, you got that story out of me and sober, at that."

"I'm just that good."

"I'm sure."

They grin at each other and then jump as there's a loud shout from outside.

"I guess the parties are starting," Rory says. "It's getting late, Jess. Do you need to head back?"

"Not unless you want me to. I can stay the night."

Rory frowns and Jess quickly adds,

"I'll sleep on the couch."

"I know," Rory says hastily. "I just mean - are you sure?"

"I want to. Do you want me to?"

"That'd be nice," Rory says honestly. She smiles and Jess says,

"So what should we do now? We've embarrassed ourselves with a drinking game, how about another round of immature activity? Got any toilet paper and eggs?"

"As long as we're telling truths," Rory says, "I think I may as well tell you this. I know who devil egged your car."

"Oh, really?" Jess asks. He leans forward on an elbow and Rory admits,

"It was me and Mom."

"Why, I'm stunned," Jess says sarcastically. "I never believed you had alibis. Can I ask what the impetus was? It took two hours to wash it all off."

"Nothing personal. It was our catharsis. We'd just gone to Sherry's baby shower - Gigi's mom - and she sent us home with devilled eggs. Mom was mad and I felt mad and your car was the target."

"Gee, thanks. And here I was thinking it was because I had a car and you didn't."

"Maybe a little," Rory says bashfully. "Maturity wasn't in my mood that day."

"I probably deserved a prank. Remember when I drew that body outline in front of Doose's?"

Rory smiles and Jess chuckles.

"You still think it's funny."

"Maybe a little."

"Well," Jess says. "Since we're being honest and all, I've got something to tell you. When I got that black eye, I wasn't hit in the face by a football."

"You weren't?" Rory frowns. "But you said you weren't in a fight."

"I wasn't. I pissed off a swan and it beaked me."

"It _what_?"

I was walking along, reading and minding my own business, when this swan just leaped in my face and beaked me, right in the eye! I went looking for it to beak it back but I never got close enough."

"To _beak_ it?" Rory exclaims. She breaks down in fits of laughter and Jess says,

"Hey, it wasn't funny! It was a cruel and vicious bird and you saw what it did to my eye!"

"Why didn't you tell me?" Rory asks when she's caught her breath. "Why'd you lie and say it was a football?"

"I was embarrassed. Doesn't sound very manly to say you get beat up by a swan."

"Oh Jess, you think I cared about that?"

"No, but I was eighteen. And then we had that fight and I was just wanted to forget about it, not feel stupid."

"I can't believe you got hit by a swan."

"Like that."

"Jess, I'm not making you feel stupid," Rory protests. "It's just so - _unusual_!"

"Yeah, that's one word for it." Jess chuckles and Rory giggles, shaking her head.

"Well, now we're both in the clear. You know I egged your car and I know you got beaked by a swan. Call it even?"

"Why not?" Jess shakes her hand and matches her smile. "Hey, what time is it?"

"Ten."

"Two hours til midnight. Want to watch a movie?"

"Sure."

Rory gets up to go to the bathroom and Jess turns on the television. When Rory comes back Jess suggests,

"How about _Miracle on 34th Street_? It's just about to start."

"Sounds good. Original or remake?"

"Original."

"Natalie Wood's the kid in it," Rory remembers as she settles down next to Jess. "Miss Celine always said my mom looked like her."

"Who's Miss Celine?"

"Grandma's dressmaker, and Mom's too, sort of. She's been alive forever and she helped Mom with her wedding dress, and Grandma's when she renewed her vows."

"Did she pick a dress for you?"

"I wore a suit, I was best man."

Rory feels a strange sadness at the memory but says,

"She always called me Sabrina - from the movie with Audrey Hepburn."

"Sabrina and Natalie, huh?"

"That's what she said."

"I can see it," Jess says. Rory smiles and then giggles, nudging him with her arm.

"Stop! You're making me feel weird, staring like that!"

"I'm just saying that I can see it."

"Oh, sure. I wonder what she'd say about you."

"According to Stars Hollow, James Dean. Seems kind of generic though."

"They just went for the obvious," Rory agrees. "We'll have to ask her."

"I don't know if I can brave that."

"The movie's about to start," Rory says, feeling suddenly shy. Jess nods, stopping his gaze and Rory turns up the volume.

For the next two hours, their only conversation is only about the film. When it finishes, Rory turns it off with a sigh.

"That was sweet."

"So sweet I might puke."

"No heart," Rory says, shaking her head. "I bet your favourite movie's still _Almost Famous_."

"Hey, I enjoy other things."

"Like what?"

"I don't know the list, it just doesn't include Christmas movies."

"You chose it," Rory retorts. "Didn't you like it a little?"

"It was nice," Jess admits grudgingly. "Makes you want to believe in Santa, kind of."

"We can work on that, Susan."

Jess rolls his eyes and then shouts and loud singing start from outside. Rory goes to the window and says,

"It must be nearly midnight."

"A couple of minutes," Jess says, looking at his watch. Refilling their glasses, he joins Rory at the window and they listen to the crowd below calling out, and then shouting at midnight.

"Happy New Year, Rory," Jess says, turning as a chorus of Auld Lang Syne begins. Rory smiles, lifting her glass and clinking it against his.

"Happy New Year, Jess."

They look at each other and then Jess quickly leans over and kisses her cheek.

"There. We can say we kissed at midnight."

"Right," Rory says. She smiles, kissing his cheek back, oddly disappointed, and then jumps as her phone rings.

"It's Mom," she says. Answering it, she says,

"Hey, Mom! Happy New Year!"

"Happy New Year, kiddo! I didn't wake you, did I?"

"No - I'm awake. I've got company."

"Company? Really?"

"Jess came over to see me."

"Oh," Lorelai says in surprise. "Well, say hi to him. Everyone here says hello - listen."

A collective cry of, "Happy New Year, Rory!" explodes in Rory's ear and she holds the phone away, laughing.

"Happy New Year, guys!" she calls and, as the phone is handed back to Lorelai, Rory ignores the calls of,

"Are you going to tell us who the father is!"

"I'm going to go, sweets. I'll see you soon?"

"Definitely. Say Happy New Year to Luke from me."

"I will. Happy New Year, kid."

"Happy New Year, Mom."

"There's a party?" Jess guesses as Rory hangs up and she nods.

"Stars Hollow madness."

"This is much better," Jess says clearly. Rory nods, smiling. Her chest is still sore from laughing. She opens her mouth, unsure what to say, when Jess coughs.

"Do you want to stay up any later? I don't know if I'll make it through a movie, but -"

"It's late," Rory says. "Let me make your bed."

"I can do it. I just need a blanket."

"And a pillow."

Jess follows her to the bedroom, where Rory finds a clean blanket and pillow in the closet.

"Happy New Year," she says shyly, passing them to him. "Thanks for coming."

"Thanks for asking," Jess says quietly. "Happy New Year, Rory."

"Sleep well," Rory says awkwardly. Jess smiles, nods and goes out and Rory locks herself in the bathroom. Splashing water over her face, she wonders why she's suddenly blushing.


	10. Chapter 10

**Thanks for the feedback! Happy New Year!**

Rory wakes up the next morning, forgetting at first that Jess is there. Stretching, she hears Jess's cough, and puts a robe on over her shirt and sweatpants before going into the living room.

"Hey."

"Hey," Jess says, looking up from his book. "Happy New Year."

"Happy New Year."

Rory goes into the kitchen to pour herself a glass of water and her heart catches at the picture on the refrigerator.

"Happy New Year, kid," she says quietly. Sipping the water, she goes back into the living room and laughs. Jess is reading her pregnancy book and Rory asks,

"Learn anything interesting?"

"It definitely paints a picture," Jess remarks. "Hope you don't mind me reading it."

"Not at all. Do you want some coffee?"

"I'll make it."

Jess gets up, leaving the book on the couch and Rory flicks through. She hasn't managed to finish it yet. Each chapter leaves her with a new kind of nervousness, and that was before Rory had even looked at the photos of childbirth.

"Here," Jess says, coming back with a cup, and Rory takes it gratefully.

"Thanks," she says. "And thanks for coming over, last night."

"I wanted to."

"I know. But it means a lot."

Jess smiles and asks carefully,

"Do you feel better?"

"Better than I did," Rory says honestly. "But as for the stuff with Grandma - I don't know. I don't know how to start with her."

"You'll figure it out," Jess says and Rory shrugs. "You will, I know you."

"Yeah. Well."

They finish their coffee in silence and Jess points at something on the desk, in the corner.

"Are those the chapters you've written?"

"Same ones I showed you," Rory says, putting her cup down. She feels a little awkward but nods when Jess asks,

"Can I read them? Is that okay?"

"Go ahead."

Jess takes a seat, opening the pages and his eyes frown with concentration. Rory folds and unfolds her hands, suddenly self-conscious, and announces,

"I'm going to take a shower."

"Sure."

Rory locks herself in the bathroom, stepping under the steamy water. There's something very strange about her friend reading her words, and Rory wonders if Jess felt the same giving his book to her. She thought he was crazy, telling her he'd do it over, but now she has a mad urge to race outside and snatch the pages from him. Rory is positive they're terrible. Shaking herself, she concentrates on soaping her body and looks down. She's sure it's her imagination, but her stomach seems a little bigger and Rory wonders if this is the start of a bump. Carefully, she puts a hand over it but it feels just the same. It's probably her imagination, as it's the new year. Either way, she reasons, it'll start soon. It's January, and her second trimester. It's January, and Logan's getting married. Swallowing, Rory washes the soap off and steps out. She takes her time getting dressed but when she comes out Jess is still reading, smiling as he looks up.

"It's great."

"It's awful."

"No, it's not."

"Yes, it is. It's terrible, isn't it?"

"Rory, it's great," Jess says seriously. "I mean it, you have to finish it."

Rory shrugs and Jess exclaims,

"Come on, you have to. I want to know how it ends."

"What?" Rory laughs. "You know how it ends!"

"I want to read it in your words."

Rory can't help smiling. Jess grins back and Rory adds,

"You know, that black eye chapter is going to be a lot funnier now."

"Ah, jeez," Jess groans. "I should never have told you."

"Everyone loves a funny story!"

"Funnier to some than others," Jess remarks, but he chuckles. His eyes meet Rory's and her retort stops as he smiles. She smiles back, forgetting what she was going to say, and instead awkwardly states,

"There's still hot water in the shower."

"Oh. Great."

"If you want one."

"Sure."

"I'll get a towel."

Turning on her heel, Rory hastens to the closet, feeling as hamfisted as a sixteen-year-old. What kind of a way is that to end a conversation? Still, Jess smiles as he takes the towel and Rory picks up the pregnancy book, concentrating on reading the chapter about what to expect this month. Supposedly morning sickness is going down, which is a plus, but the trade is fat ankles and 'feeling pregnant'. Rory looks nervously down at her stomach, as though it'll suddenly triple in size, and jumps when Jess comes in, shaking the water from his hair.

"Thanks. I left the towel in the bathroom."

"Oh. Thanks."

Rory puts the book down and Jess asks,

"Any plans for today?"

"Not really," Rory says. "I might call Mom, but that's it. What about you?"

"Nothing big. I said I might go for lunch with some of the guys from the Truncheon, but -"

"That should be fun."

"It's not definite," Jess says. "I mean, if you'd rather - I could hang out here longer."

"What? No, you go, Jess. I've got a ton of stuff to do anyway, and this book to finish - I'm just learning about how much water retention I'm going to get."

"Are you sure?"

"Go," Rory says firmly. "I said I might call Lane anyway. You'd better hit the road, Jess. There might be traffic."

"Okay," Jess says. He stops, hesitates, and then smiles.

"I had fun last night."

"Me too," Rory says seriously. "It was the best fun I've had a long time."

Jess nods, picks up his bag and smiles. Slinging his bag over his shoulder, he nods at Rory before going to the door.

"See you, Rory."

"See you, Jess."

"And I mean it about those chapters," Jess says. "Don't give up."

"Right."

Jess gives a small wave and walks out. Hurrying to the window, Rory watches until he turns the corner and has gone. Somewhat morose, she wanders back over to the couch and picks the book back up. She's just wrinkling her nose over sensitive gums and congestion when her phone rings. It's Lane, and Rory happily answers.

"Hey! I was going to call you. Happy New Year!"

"Happy New Year! How's it going?"

"I'm reading about what to expect in the latest stage of pregnancy and I've got to tell you, it doesn't sound fun."

"That's because it's not."

"Oh, great!"

"But it's better than the first, and so much better than the third. You'll want to die by the ninth month."

"Fantastic."

"I was carrying twins though," Lane says consolingly. "It'll probably be better for you."

"I hope."

"What are you doing today? Besides me freaking you out?"

"Nothing. Jess just left."

"Excuse me, did you just say _Jess left_?" Lane asks in disbelief. "Or did Kwan really mess up my hearing by blowing that kazoo in my ear?"

"Your hearing's fine. He came over to keep my company."

"Well, colour me intrigued."

"There's nothing to tell," Rory says hotly. "We just played games and watched a movie."

"What kind of games?"

"A drinking game."

"A _drinking_ game?"

"It wasn't with alcohol!"

"Still, though. Sounds like..."

Lane's voice trails off and Rory insists,

"Sounds like what?"

"Sounds like has a thing for you."

"A _thing_ for me? Lane!" Rory laughs. "Come on. He's an old friend, we haven't been together in years, and besides, I'm pregnant. We were just hanging out."

"Did he stay over?"

"Yeah, but - he slept on the couch. Anyway, I just said I'm pregnant."

"That doesn't mean he's not interested."

"I think it does," Rory contradicts. "And besides, I don't have time to think about that. I'm having a baby in six months. That's all I can focus on."

"I still think it means something," Lane says staunchly. Rory sighs and finally asks,

"So what did you do last night?"

"We all went to the Stars Hollow party. It was fun, but we didn't stay past midnight."

"Steve and Kwan wanted to go to bed?"

"No, I did," Lane says, making Rory laugh. "Zack and I were exhausted! The kids could have stayed up all night."

"I wonder if mine will be like that."

Rory goes silent, biting her lip, and Lane asks,

"Rory? What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I'm just thinking about this year. I'm going to be a mom in June."

"Right," Lane says gently and Rory says,

"And I knew that, but it feels more real, suddenly."

"I know."

Rory sniffles, fighting a sudden lump in her throat.

"Logan's getting married this month."

"Oh, Rory."

"It shouldn't upset me so much."

"Why wouldn't it?" Lane asks comfortingly. "I can't imagine how you feel. What do you think he'd say, if you turned up?"

"Why would I do that?"

"Hypothetically."

"I think everyone would be wondering if they were in an episode of _General Hospital_ \- the pregnant ex-lover showing up at the guy's wedding. I don't want to think about it."

"Tell you what," Lane says gently, "on that day, come to mine and we'll have a sleepover. I'll get Zack to take the kids somewhere and we'll just hang out. Does that sound good?"

"Sounds great," Rory sniffles.

"I know it's scary," Lane says after a pause, "but it's exciting too. You're going to have a baby! Everyone here is excited."

"They just want to know who the father is."

"About that," Lane says awkwardly. "There's a new theory. They think it might be Jess."

Rory sits up so fast the book falls to the floor.

"What? Why on earth would they think that?"

"Well, they saw you together in the Gazette office, back in summer, and you were drinking and laughing, and dancing at the wedding, and then you were walking around together at Christmas...they think maybe you're more than friends."

"You're kidding."

"You did look very happy."

"Oh, God," Rory groans. "I don't believe this. I'm never going back again."

"Do you think you'll ever tell them?"

"No. I don't know," Rory says, suddenly tired. "Not right now. What did Mom and Luke say?"

"Lorelai laughed and Luke threatened to punch whoever asked about it again. He said you're pregnant and don't need to deal with this right now, and neither does he."

Rory laughs at that and Lane says,

"They all mean well. They just express it in a strange way."

"Plus they love gossip."

"Well, that too."

Rory closes her eyes and jerks them open as Lane asks,

"Do you think you'll move home?"

"Why?"

"No reason. I just thought that you might want help when the baby's born."

"I can have help without moving back."

"I know - people were just asking, that's all."

Lane sounds a little hurt and Rory quickly says,

"Sorry, I didn't mean to snap."

"It's okay."

"I'm not mad at you."

"Rory, you're pregnant. When I was pregnant, I was mad at everybody."

Rory laughs and Lane says,

"Listen, I have to go. I'm supposed to go to Zach's parents for lunch and pick up the boys."

"Kiss them for me."

"I will. Bye, Rory."

"Bye, Lane."

Rory hangs up and lays still for a moment. She stares at the bump-or-not and says,

"You haven't been born and they're already making you into a country song. I'm sorry."

Shaking her head, Rory picks the book up but can't focus. It all goes round her head, Jess being there, the town's curiosity and that a new year has begun. A new year where Logan's getting married, will not be a father but Rory will be a mother and, exhausted, Rory closes her eyes. She wants to be enough.


	11. Chapter 11

**Thanks for the feedback!**

A week later, Rory drives to Stars Hollow. Already apprehensive of questions she'll get from the town, Rory parks and goes to the door where Lorelai is waiting, arms outstretched.

"Hey, kid!" she cries, giving her a hug. "Come in, it's cold!"

Rory does so gladly, shedding her coat and Lorelai gasps.

"You have a bump!"

"I do?" Rory asks, looking down. "I wasn't sure. No one else has noticed."

"Well, I can see it. It's definitely there." Bending, Lorelai says happily, "Hello, baby. I'm your mommy's mommy."

"Mommy's mommy?"

" _Grandma_ sounds weird," Lorelai says defensively, straightening up. "I'm too young to be a grandmother."

"The kid can't call you _Mommy's mommy_."

"Why not? It's a baby."

"It's not going to be a baby forever. It can't introduce you as that."

"Yeah, know," Lorelai admits. "Well, it's not born yet. I can call myself that for now."

"So how was Grandma?" Rory asks, her mouth dry. "Was she mad?"

Lorelai hesitates and finally says,

"She was upset."

"She was really mad, wasn't she? I was there, I know she hasn't changed her mind."

"She'll get over it," Lorelai says firmly. "She's just hurt."

"How long did it take with you?"

"This is going to be different," Lorelai says, taking Rory's hands. "You two are too close for this to mess things up. I know it'll work out."

Rory looks away and Lorelai remarks,

"She was mad at me too. Asked me why I didn't stop it."

"Mom, I'm thirty-two years old."

"And I'm forty-eight, do you think that's going to stop my mother from ever treating me like a kid?"

"So was it horrible?" Rory asks. "Was she mad the whole trip?"

"You know, it actually wasn't as bad as I expected. I thought she'd be icy the whole time, but the next morning she ate the waffles Berta made and got out the wine in the afternoon. She said she didn't want to waste my vacation being mad."

"Seriously?"

"I could hardly believe it. I think she's relaxed a lot."

Rory mulls this but shakes her head when Lorelai adds,

"I bet she'd be more calm if you went to see her again. That was just her automatic reaction. She's had time to think."

"No, she's still Grandma. She still believes getting married is the right thing to do. She might not be mad at you anymore but I know she is at me."

"I still think it's worth a shot. She's your grandmother."

"Maybe," Rory says eventually. Lorelai nods, wordlessly going to the kitchen to make coffee and Rory says,

"So I hear the town thinks Jess is the father."

"Oh," Lorelai says awkwardly, putting the bag down and turning around. "Yeah. Who told you about that?"

"Lane."

"She should have kept that to herself."

"I would have heard it anyway - I'm here this weekend for a start. They're going to ask me."

"I strictly said _no comment_."

"I can't believe they think that," Rory remarks, getting a poptart from the cupboard. "I talked to Charlie at the Gazette too, do they think he's a possibility?"

"Not unless you two have a sordid past."

"Jess and I do not have a _sordid past_!" Rory exclaims, poptart halfway to her mouth. "We were together when we were kids!"

"Miss Patty's words, not mine."

Rory scoffs, chomping on the poptart and Lorelai asks,

"So how come Jess was at your place?"

Her voice is forcedly casual and Rory frowns.

"When, at New Year's?"

"Yes, at New Year's, though this includes any other time I don't know about. I didn't know you guys were friends."

"Well, we are. Sort of."

"Sort of?"

"Mom, I didn't have any plans. Jess didn't either and he came to keep me company."

"He called you?"

"I called him."

Lorelai stares and Rory exclaims,

"What is with the third degree?"

"No third degree!" Lorelai protests, holding her hands up. "I'm just surprised, that's all. When did you start hanging out?"

Rory shrugs, hotly uncomfortable and Lorelai says,

"Rory, I'm not trying to pry, it's news is all."

"I'm sorry I didn't give a bulletin."

"Girl Friday me next time," Lorelai jokes. "Hey, look, the coffee's ready."

Rory takes a cup and they go and sit on the couch. Rory sips, grateful for silence. She drains the coffee before saying,

"Logan's getting married today."

"I know," Lorelai says gently. "Are you okay?"

Rory shrugs.

"It's for the best," she says eventually. "It's what he should do."

"But are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Rory says quietly. Lorelai looks at her and says,

"No, you're not."

Rory shrugs again and lets Lorelai pull her into a hug.

"It's okay not to be fine," she tells her. "I'd be surprised if you were okay with it."

"Lane asked if I was going to go," Rory says with a watery chuckle. "How Peyton Place would that be?"

"Extremely."

They smile and Lorelai asks,

"Can you tell me what happened with Logan? Mom said you wouldn't marry him but she didn't exactly elaborate."

Rory nods, glances away for a moment and then takes a breath.

"I told him," she says, "and he was so shocked. He asked me how it had happened, and he thought we were careful, and then he asked if I was okay. Then he said we could get married, if I wanted."

"And you said no."

"I said it wouldn't work. He kept insisting he could be a family man, but he can't. I asked if he was willing to quit his job, leave Odette and marry me instead, tell his father I was pregnant. And he - he just couldn't answer. He didn't even want the sonogram picture."

"Oh, honey."

"I knew it. I knew before he opened his mouth. And I said that even if he could do that, marry me, he'd regret it. Logan wants to stay where he is. He'd resent me. It's not fair to us and it's not fair to the baby."

"Well," Lorelai says, after a pause, "I think that was an excellent answer."

"I know it was the right thing to do," Rory says, voice shaking, "but I'm afraid. I'm doing it without anyone."

"Rory, we're all here to help you. I'll even stay with you, if that's what you need."

"I know - and I'm grateful, Mom, I am - but it's not the same as if I had him there. If I had a partner."

"Yeah," Lorelai says gently, stroking her hair, and Rory adds,

"And even though I haven't changed my mind, Grandma thinks I'm so wrong that I can't help doubting it. She made me remember how hard it'll be."

"Rory, it is going to be hard," Lorelai says seriously, looking into Rory's eyes. "There's going to be days where you just want to cry. But you've done the right thing, not marrying Logan. It was strong to say no. You know it's wrong to raise a kid when you don't want to be together. I remember when I had you, when you were so tiny and even when you were a teenager, and I'd be so sad and tired and I wish in that moment that I'd married Christopher. Be the perfect family. And then I'd try and call him and he'd have changed his number again, or fallen into an impossible relationship again, or quit his job, and I'd remember why I'd said no. We were too young and it wouldn't have worked."

"But you were sixteen."

"It wasn't just that - I used to think if he could grow up and get it together it would work, but he's too - Rory, he wanted other things. He wanted the idea of us but not the real thing. And I know that if I'd married him back then, even without being so young, it would have fallen apart. And that would have hurt all of us so much. I've never regretted raising you alone."

Rory nods, leaning over to hug her, and then tells her,

"I went to see Dad, when I found out I was pregnant."

"You did?" Lorelai asks in surprise. "You never told me."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"It's not that, I'm just surprised. Did you tell him?"

"No. I just asked him how he felt about everything - you raising me, him not being there. I asked him why."

"What did he say?" Lorelai asks quietly and Rory hesitates.

"He said it was always meant to be that way," she says finally. "That it was in the cards, and he could never get between us."

"I had the door open to him," Lorelai says, her voice tight. "I raised you without him, but I always reminded him -"

"I know. And he knows too, Mom. He wasn't mad. He said it was supposed to happen."

"We were a team, you and me," Lorelai says, eyes bright. "Did you miss him?"

"I missed him sometimes," Rory says, "like when I saw him at Christmas and when Father's Day came up, and when he visited us, but then he'd forget to call, or make some excuse about not visiting - he didn't come to Stars Hollow until I was sixteen - and then with Sherry - he was never around, Mom. He said he loves us, and I know he does, but he was never there. And you were always there. You were everything."

"You were my best friend," Lorelai says, wiping her eyes and Rory nods, sniffling.

"Mine too. I'm glad you raised me like that, Mom. It's what I want to do but I - I -"

Her voice trails and Lorelai takes her arm.

"What, sweetie?"

"I'm scared I can't do it," Rory says, looking down at her rounded stomach. "When you were my age, I was sixteen. You ran the inn, you looked after me and you still had time for fun."

"Well, I've always had a flair for style," Lorelai jokes but Rory goes on,

"I'm not doing anything like that. I'm working in an office, I'm trying to write but that's not going so well and I'm afraid I'll mess this up. What if I'm not enough for this kid?"

"Rory, you will be more than enough," Lorelai says fiercely. "You're going to be the greatest mother."

"But I'm not prepared. I need to be prepared for things, and I've read the books, talked to the doctor, looked online and I still don't feel like I know what to do."

"You will. A lot of motherhood is figuring it out."

"But I want to do it well."

"You will," Lorelai says again. "And I know it's hard, and I know it's scary, and it's not the same as having the father there, but I'm going to help you, every step of the way. We're still a team, kiddo. We're going to get to know the new member."

Rory can't help smiling at that and Lorelai kisses her cheek.

"I promise it'll work out. And one day, your little baby will be a gorgeous kid and you'll look back at this and take a breath. Because you figured it out. I know you can do it."

Rory can't say anything but she nods and Lorelai pats her hand.

"Are you still going to Lane's tonight?"

"Yeah. We're going to do the whole sleepover thing."

"She's your best friend, after all."

"And you're mine," Rory says, looking into her mother's eyes. Lorelai smiles and runs a hand through Rory's hair.

"You're always mine, angel."

"Even with all our crappy moments?"

"It's in our DNA. Along with the coffee."

Rory laughs and Lorelai adds,

"Ups and downs are all part of motherhood. You'll see."

"I know."

They get up and Rory puts her arms around Lorelai tightly.

"Thanks for everything, Mom."

"It's always been worth it, kid," Lorelai says. "Every moment."


	12. Chapter 12

**Thanks for the feedback!**

After coffee, Rory gets ready to go to Lane's. Lorelai goes with her to make a pit stop at Luke's, a decision Rory regrets when Babette leaps up from her table with a cry.

"Rory, doll! We've all been missing you!"

"Been missing you too, Babette."

"Just look at you!" Babette exclaims. "It won't be too long until that baby of yours starts showing itself!"

"I hope not too soon."

"We're all so excited. And all so curious, too - could you just drop us a hint on -"

"Babette, no!" Luke shouts, appearing from behind the counter. "What did I say to you? You don't harrass Rory!"

"I wasn't harrassing her, I was just -"

"We've been through this."

"Patty and I have a bet going, and I just want to know if it's Jess's. Can you imagine how many books that kid would read?"

"Babette, it's not your business," Luke says furiously. "Leave Rory alone right now or I'm not making any of those muffins you like for a month. Six months, if you keep it up."

"Relax, sugar, I can take a hint," Babette says, rolling her eyes. "Besides, the most important thing is that everything's healthy. You healthy, Rory?"

"I'm fine," Rory says, taking the moment to walk over the counter. "Very healthy. Can I have some coffee, Luke?"

"To have in or to go?"

"To go, please," Rory says and Luke nods.

"Very wise."

Luke pours some in a cup for her, going around and giving Rory a hug.

"You shouldn't be standing."

"Luke, I have to walk!"

"You can sit while you wait," Luke says and Rory sighs, smiling as Lorelai whispers,

"Overprotective Luke!"

Rory takes the coffee and bag of doughnuts Luke gives with it and heads to Lane's. Her friend squeals when Rory comes in, hugging her.

"Hey, you're starting to show!"

"Is it obvious?"

"Only because I know you're pregnant. Come on, let's break out the candy!"

"I'm all for that. I've got doughnuts too."

"I'm all for eating it without the kids taking it all," Lane remarks. "And then staying up all night crazy on sugar. I'm starting to get why Mama never gave me any."

"You're kidding."

"Motherhood's a scary thing."

Rory smiles and Lane hesitates.

"I was going to get that candy."

"It's okay, Lane," Rory says, following her to the cabinet. "I know it's going to be scary."

"It's not scary all the time."

"Just the first four years?"

"Five."

"Right."

"It's a lot of fun, too," Lane says quickly and Rory nods. Lane grabs a bag of chocolate and the two go to the couch.

"So what kind of movie are you in the mood for?" Lane asks, eating one of the chocolates and passing them to Rory.

"Anything that isn't a romantic comedy," Rory says firmly and Lane nods.

"On it."

Rory concentrates on eating a chocolate and shrugs when Lane asks,

"Are you okay?"

Her voice is gentle and Rory makes herself look up.

"I just don't want to think about it."

"Sure."

"I don't want to marry Logan," Rory says, after a taut pause. "It's just - I miss him, sometimes. And the way he gave the sonogram picture back."

Lane puts her arm around her and Rory angrily adds,

"It makes me feel how my grandmother said it was - like the baby is a dirty secret. I just keep thinking about how he's getting married today and forgotten all about this."

"He hasn't forgotten, Rory."

"He won't tell Odette. He won't tell anyone in his family. And I don't want him to announce it and leave that whole life for me, but I guess part of me thought he'd want to."

"Didn't he say he would?"

"He said it because he think it's the right thing to do. He didn't really want to. When I told him to go with me, he didn't consider it. And it hurt."

Rory looks away and Lane hugs her to her.

"I feel so stupid," Rory says, her voice wobbling. "I knew it wouldn't last, I knew it wouldn't work, even if he did want it to, but I think about him getting married and it's like someone's punched me, over and over. And I hate that I feel that way."

"It's okay to."

Rory shakes her head roughly and sits up, digging her hand in the doughnuts and passing the bag to Lane.

"Let's watch the movie," she says, determined. "I don't want to talk about Logan anymore."

Several hours later, when Rory and Lane have succumbed to a sugar coma, Rory's phone chimes and wakes her up. She sits up with a jump, dazed until she remembers that she's in Lane's spare room, and picks up the phone. Opening her message, she sees a photo of Logan and Odette. They are beaming, standing together with Colin and Finn behind them, and underneath reads _Rory! We all missed you at the ceremony. Honor xxx_

Honor has included some more pictures underneath, including a shot of the vows being exchanged. Logan looks thrilled. Something stops in Rory's chest and her throat tightens. Unable to swallow, her chest aching as though a hole has been drilled through it, Rory throws her phone with all her might. It smashes against the wall and she cringes at the knock on the door shortly afterwards. Lane comes in, rubbing her eyes, and asks,

"Hey. Everything okay?"

"Yeah - I lunged in my sleep and knocked my phone over. I didn't mean to wake you."

Rory blushes at how fake it sounds, but Lane must be too sleepy to pick up on it. Nodding, she says,

"That's okay. Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

When Lane has gone, Rory gets out of bed and pads over to the wall. The phone is lying undernearth it, broken, and and she guiltily slips it back in her purse. Rory has a small satisfaction at throwing it, but she lies awake, reeling the pictures over and over in her mind. When she does fall asleep, Rory dreams of being at the ceremony, invisible, and when Logan looks at her he laughs. She isn't sorry when a car alarm wakes her the next morning, and is relived that Logan is so many miles away.

When Rory gets back to New York the broken phone is buzzing. Thankfully, Rory's able to answer it and says,

"Hey."

"Hey," Jess replies. "I've been trying to call you all day."

"I'm sorry. My phone's all mashed up."

"That explains it."

"Everything okay?" Rory asks and Jess says,

"Yeah, fine. I'm just in New York today and wondered if you wanted to hang out."

"Sure. I've just got back from Stars Hollow - I had a sleepover with Lane."

"How was it?"

"Fun."

"Rory, you're breaking up," Jess says, his voice sounding scrambled. "How about I come to your place? I'm scared your phone won't survive much longer."

"Okay."

"I'll be there in twenty," Jess says and then the phone dies. Rory sighs, putting it on the table, and goes to shower. She's just changed into some jeans and a red shirt when the buzzer sounds. Jess grins as she opens the door and says,

"Hey."

"Hey," Rory says. She can't help remembering what Lane said, about Jess having feelings, and she swats the memory away. Looking down, Rory asks,

"Do you think I've got a bump?"

"A little," Jess says, after glancing. "I'm not exactly an expert though."

"Mom and Lane saw right away but I think they just want to see it. I think there is, but I can't tell for sure. No one else has said anything."

"Well, you aren't huge."

"I know that. These jeans are getting tight though."

Rory smiles ruefully and asks,

"So how come you're in New York?"

"Exhibition at the museum. I thought maybe you'd like to see it. Kind of a letdown though."

"Really?"

"Yeah, they way overcharged and there wasn't even that much work."

Jess takes his jacket off, hanging it on the back of a chair and notices the phone.

"Man, you weren't exaggerating. What happened, did it fall under a car?"

"No," Rory says awkwardly. "I kind of threw it against the wall."

"Can I ask why?"

"Logan's sister sent me pictures of the wedding," Rory says after a pause. "Logan got married yesterday."

"Right," Jess says quietly. Rory nods and adds,

"It was hard. Harder than I expected."

"Are you okay?" Jess asks and Rory shrugs.

"Okayish."

She waits but Jess doesn't say anything so finally says,

"So I threw the phone. Not very mature but satisfying in the moment."

Jess smiles but he's still silent and Rory asks,

"What?"

"Nothing," Jess says and Rory frowns.

"You're acting weird. You're so quiet," Rory says and Jess exclaims,

"I am not acting weird! If I'm not saying anything it's because I don't know what I should say."

"Well, I don't know what I should say either," Rory snaps. "I got angry and threw my phone and you not saying anything is making me feel like I'm crazy!"

"I don't think you're crazy, I just -"

"What? What do you think?"

"Forget it."

"No, tell me," Rory says, heart thumping. "You don't need to shield me."

"I'm not trying to shield you."

"Then finish your thought!"

"Fine! I think Logan's a total jerk. I think you're better off without him, you should have broken up after he cheated on you - the first time - and not wound up back together. I think he's not worth getting upset over."

"Like it's that easy?" Rory snaps. "I don't want to feel this way! I don't want to be upset by him. But I was with him for a long time and now I'm pregnant and it hurts me that he's marrying someone else. I can't control that."

"He's a jerk," Jess says again and Rory retorts,

"He wasn't all the time."

"Oh really?"

"He's kind, he's funny - he cared about me. He wanted me to be happy."

"He wouldn't choose between you and that woman he's married. He never told her. He doesn't want to be a dad to your kid. Has he called you once since you went to see him?"

Rory sucks in a breath, looking away and Jess groans.

"I don't mean - I'm sorry. I just think the guy's a total jerk."

"You can think that," Rory says, voice trembling. "But I loved him, and he wasn't always a jerk, and now he's getting married and I miss him. I can't help it."

"Rory -"

"Just go and laugh about it with my grandmother," Rory says angrily. "I was stupid enough to get pregnant and it's Logan's dirty secret. Go and talk about what an idiot I am."

"That is not what I think."

"Well, you're mad at me. You think I'm dumb to be upset."

"I don't think that!" Jess exclaims. "I just think you deserve better than him! He's not worth this, Rory."

"Thanks for the insight," Rory says coldly. Folding her arms, she and Jess stare at each other, and finally Rory says,

"Maybe you should go. I need to run some errands, call Mom, figure out what to do with this phone."

"Let me help."

"I don't need any help," Rory snaps.

"How are you going to call your mom?"

"I'll figure something out."

Jess nods, picks up his jacket and goes to the door.

"I'll talk to you later," he says. "At a better time."

"Great."

Rory waits to hear him leave, his footsteps fade, before she wipes her eyes as the tears begin to fall.


	13. Chapter 13

**Thanks for the feedback!**

Over the next two weeks Rory thinks about calling Jess, but doesn't. She buys a new phone, keys in his number, but doesn't dial. She wants to but doesn't, wants to but doesn't, and tells herself that if Jess really wants to talk, he'll come see her. Rory knows this is childish, but she doesn't know what to say. She's not sorry for missing Logan. She's mad at him, a little, and she hates that Jess has sparked it - reminded her that he hasn't called her at all, and it hurts. Part of Rory thinks about calling Logan, too, but she thinks of him, away with his bride, and the thought is squalled with nausea. What is there even to say?

One Saturday, Rory goes to Brooklyn to spend the day with Paris. It's been a while since she's seen her, before she found out she was pregnant. Rory told Paris over the phone, and there had been a surprised silence and then her friend said, _wow. You should have made him wear a rubber._ Between business trips and awkward excuses, on Rory's part, neither have seen each other since and Rory feels a little nervous as she knocks on Paris's door. It's opened by the nanny, flanked either side by Paris's kids who scream with happiness.

"Rory! Rory!"

"Come in," the nanny says. "Ms Geller is in the living room."

"I'm right here," Paris says behind her. She's walked into the hall and the kids's atttention turn to her.

"Mommy! Mommy!"

"Yes, darlings," Paris says, absently kissing them. "I'm going to see your aunt Rory now, and Clementina is going to take you to the park."

"You've got a big tummy," the boy says bluntly, pointing at Rory and his sister adds,

"There's a baby in her tummy. Mommy said."

"Wow, you guys have gotten big," Rory says loudly, stepping around them. "You're going to have fun at the park, huh?"

"I can race faster than her," the boy says smugly and the little girl gives him a push.

"No you can't!"

"Tell me about it later," Paris intervenes as the kids stick their tongues out at each other. "Go on and have fun. Give me a kiss."

The kids oblige, giving one to Rory too, and then take their nanny's hand, waving and jumping down the steps. Paris waves until they've walked down the street and then shuts the door, eyeing Rory.

"You have got a bump. Better sit down."

Rory sits in the chair opposite the couch where Paris lies down, looking at her critically.

"I can't believe Huntzberger knocked you up."

Rory reddens and Paris goes on,

"I can't believe you were still screwing the guy. You broke up after college."

"We bumped into each other."

"Is that you call it? You were bumping something, anyway. You should have remembered what I said - no glove, no love."

"Come on, Paris. I was on the pill. It just didn't work that time."

"Accidents are a bitch," Paris says sympathetically. "After I had my kids, Doyle got a vasectomy. No way was I going through that again."

"Was it terrible?" Rory can't help asking. "Having them, I mean?"

"Labour was pretty rough,"Paris says honestly. "When they tell you to push, everything is going to come out. I'm warning you now."

"Thanks for the visual."

"Hey, I'm telling you this for your own good. Besides, it's the least of your worries. You're going to be pushing a human being out of you. I thought my vagina would never recover."

"Well, that's...so it's pretty painful, huh?"

"Are you kidding? You'd better get Logan in the room. Half the reason I got through it was promising Doyle I'd kill him if he ever got me in that position again. He then decided to be funny and asked which position. I almost broke his nose."

"Actually, Logan won't be there."

"You're not serious. Rory, the guy got you pregnant and he won't be there when the result comes out? You're going to want to break his hand."

"He's married," Rory says awkwardly. "He lives in England now."

"So? Make him fly over. He doesn't have to dump his wife but he should be there for that. He's half the reason you're in this mess."

"I don't want to," Rory says quietly. "And he doesn't -"

She stops herself and Paris looks at her quizzically.

"I'm doing it without him," Rory says firmly, sitting up. "It's easier. If he wants to see the baby, he can, but he doesn't have to come back because I'm pregnant. We broke up."

"It doesn't seem fair to you," Paris says seriously and Rory shrugs, looking away.

"I shouldn't have - it's a clean break, Paris. We're living separately now and it wouldn't change anything. I'm fine with it. I can have the baby without him."

Paris doesn't look convinced but lets it go all the same.

"How many weeks along are you?"

"Seventeen."

"You're having your next ultrasound soon, then."

Rory nods and Paris asks,

"Are you going to find out the sex?"

"I don't know. Maybe. I haven't decided."

"I wanted to know. I wanted to pick names out. Have you thought of any?"

"Not yet," Rory says honestly and Paris remarks,

"It's going to happen a lot sooner than you think. One minute you're looking at the pregnancy test and the next you're in the delivery room. Mark my words Rory, this baby won't stay inside you for long. You might have a small bump now but pretty soon you won't be able to see your feet, and then it's going to come shooting out. I mean, you've really got to squeeze it out, but you understand what I'm saying."

"I've still got a while left," Rory says weakly and Paris laughs.

"It won't feel like it. And when you're in labour, it won't feel like it's ever going to stop."

Rory tries to smile and Paris says brightly,

"But it does, and then you've got a baby! Pretty neat, huh? And then you won't sleep for a year. I was so grateful to get my nanny. Want me to get you someone in advance?"

"Thanks, but I'm not going to have a nanny."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously. It'll be just me and the kid."

"Alright," Paris says slowly. "Is there an elevator at your place?"

"Yeah, but it's kind of temperamental."

"Good luck," Paris says. She looks at Rory and then says,

"You know, I can't believe we'll both have kids soon. Remember when we were at Chilton? I felt like we were the only virgins at one point. I still can't believe I had sex before you. Hell, I still can't believe I had sex and didn't get into Harvard. If you'd asked me which would be more likely, it wouldn't have been the not getting into Harvard."

"Life's interesting," Rory offers feebly and Paris grins.

"I'll say. I still can't believe you slept with Dean, after he married that girl from the sticks. He must have been lousy in bed. You never stayed in the room long."

"Excuse me?" Rory splutters and Paris comments,

"I lived there too, you know. I remember when he'd come over. He never stayed long. I guess that wasn't his strong point, huh?"

"Any amount of money if you stop talking right now."

"Oh, relax, Mary. What about that other guy?"

"You mean Jess?"

"Yes, him. Did you ever do it with him in the end?"

"No."

"Too bad," Paris remarks. "He was the only one who gave me a run for my money when we talked about books. Whatever happened to him?"

"He lives in Philadelphia. I still see him, sort of."

"What does that mean?"

"Well, Luke's his uncle and he married my mom. Jess stayed with us for Christmas. And sometimes he hangs out with me in New York."

"So you're close."

"We're friends."

Paris raises her eyebrows and Rory sighs.

"That's it, I swear. And anyway -"

" _Anyway_ what?" Paris asks after Rory pauses and Rory exclaims,

"Nothing. I just meant that we're not even close friends. We're friendish - friendly. It's nothing for you to get excited about."

"Defensive," Paris says. Rory frowns, settling back into the chair but stiffens as Paris adds,

"Reminds me of our sleepover. You know, when Jess came for dinner that time."

"What are you talking about?"

"How I said you had two guys fawning over you, and you said you had a boyfriend. You got all defensive back then too."

"I was a kid with a crush."

"You still seem hot for him."

"I do not!"

"Well, you're certainly hotheaded," Paris says smugly, and Rory retorts,

"I'm pregnant."

"That's your excuse. What does he think of it all anyway?"

"He's been a good friend," Rory says shortly. "He's been there for me."

Rory looks down, fiddling with the sleeve on her dress, their argument fresh in her mind. She worries Paris is going to press it but instead her friend just says,

"I'm glad. How are you doing with the pregnancy stuff, anyway? Any weird cravings? I was addicted to nuts soaked in vinegar."

"Nothing too crazy," Rory says, feeling slightly sick at the image. "I'm just hungry a lot."

"You know, it's too bad you're not a surrogate. I always liked your teeth. I bet your kid's are great as well. Make sure they remember to brush."

"Yeah," Rory says awkwardly. "It's on the list."

"I'm excited," Paris says sincerely. "Will you call me, when you have the baby?"

"Paris, you know I will. Who else is going to help prepare the kid for the real world?"

Paris smiles at that and then gets up, going to the table and handing a book to Rory.

"What's this?" Rory asks and Paris says,

"It's an information pack about giving birth. I've put together a series of images from four different surrogates, so you can get a good look at what to expect."

"I - oh, wow!"

"I wouldn't read it until you're closer to having the baby," Paris says kindly. "It might scare you a little."

"I think that damage has already been done," Rory remarks queasily. She closes the book as Paris tells her,

"I've got a great movie of them giving birth too. We can go to the office and watch it anytime. Just tell me when's best for you."

"Maybe later," Rory says delicately and Paris nods sagely.

"I totally understand. Well, I really can't wait, Rory, even if it is Logan's. If you'd told me back at Yale that he'd be the guy giving you a baby I think you could knock me over with a feather. That or I'd make myself hoarse arguing."

"Probably the second one."

"Yeah, probably."

They laugh a little and Paris says,

"Hey, Rory?"

"Yeah?"

"I know I made the whole giving birth thing sound really awful, but I did it twice and it was totally worth it."

"It's what they say," Rory says, but she smiles. "Thanks, Paris."

"I mean it. Maybe don't look at the book yet though."

"You don't have to convince me on that."

When Rory gets back, she picks up her phone and purses her lip. Swallowing, she texts Jess, _Hey. It's Rory._

Jess replies quickly, asking how she is, and Rory texts that she's fine. She thinks about adding more and decides to wait, but Jess doesn't reply, and Rory gives up, wishing the ache in her chest away. Instead, she sits at the desk, opening the notebook Jess gave her for Christmas. She wills and wills the words, but all Rory can think of is her conversation with Paris, and doing it alone. _It's doesn't seem fair to you._ Rory has a mad urge to call Logan, but then she thinks of him being with Odette, and, as Jess said, how he hasn't called. It's a clean break. She can't be mad at him. Swallowing the lump in her throat, Rory says out loud, "I'm okay." Feeling foolish, she settles on the couch and turns on the television. Rory focuses on the character's tinny laughter and lets the loneliness lie.


	14. Chapter 14

**Thanks for the feedback!**

The next couple of weeks pass quietly. Lorelai comes to visit, exclaim over how big Rory's getting and takes her shopping for maternity clothes. When Rory asks after Luke, Lorelai tells her he's visiting Jess. Rory feels awkward but fortunately her mother doesn't seem to notice as she changes the subject. Lorelai leaves with a promise to accompany Rory to her ultrsound and, a few days later, Jess calls. Rory hesitates before answering,

"Hey."

"Hi," Jess says. "How's it going?"

"Okay. How are things with you?"

"Fine."

Jess sounds as forcedly normal as Rory, and he goes on,

"How've you been?"

"Great."

"Really?"

"I'm okay, Jess."

There's a pause and Rory says in a rush,

"Thanks for calling."

"I didn't know if it was okay. Is it?"

"Of course it is. I'm glad you called."

"Yeah?" Jess asks and Rory grins.

"Absolutely."

"It's good to hear you too."

Rory smiles contentedly and Jess asks,

"So what have you up to?"

"Not a lot. I saw Paris a little while ago."

"Huh. How is she?"

"Scarring me with stories about pregnancy."

Jess chuckles and Rory says,

"I have an ultrasound next week."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah, on Wednesday. I'm kind of nervous. They want to check that everything's okay."

"Right," Jess says quietly and Rory says quickly,

"Anyway, Mom's going to come with me."

"I figured."

"She's really excited. I can find out the sex, if I want."

"Are you going to?"

"I don't know yet."

Rory pauses, tracing a pattern on her pants with her hand, and Jess says carefully,

"You can call me after, if you want. I'm going to be out of town but I'll pick up."

"Oh - thanks," Rory says, touched. "Where are you going?"

"Truncheon stuff. We're meeting with some authors."

"That'll be fun."

"Potentially," Jess says. "I'm going to Omaha, so I'm hoping it's a decent group."

"Yikes. Logan had to go there once."

Rory bites her lip but Jess doesn't sound awkward as he says,

"Yeah, well. It's a chance to travel, anyway."

"When are you going?"

"Monday. I'm back Thursday."

"Oh. Well, safe trip."

"Thanks."

There's a long pause and then Jess says,

"Do you want to go for coffee or something, when I'm back?"

"I would," Rory says sincerely. "You can tell me all about your trip."

"And you can tell me about your ultrasound. If you want."

"Yeah," Rory says happily. "Talk to you then."

"Bye, Rory."

"Bye, Jess."

Rory hangs up and hugs the phone to her chest for a moment, a wide smile spreading over her face. Going to the kitchen, Rory makes a pot of coffee. Her body's considerably heavier, but Rory's mood is light and she grins, placing a hand on her bump. It feels good to have made up with Jess. As she sips the coffee there's a feeling of a flutter and Rory stops, putting the cup down and staring at her stomach.

"Was that you kicking?" she asks. "Or just a weird reaction to coffee?"

Rory holds her breath and moments later there's the sensation again. Her eyes filling, Rory goes and sits on the couch, the coffee forgotten.

"I think that's you," she whispers, putting a hand on her bump. "Hey, kid."

The baby kicks again and then lets up. Reaching for the phone, Rory dials her mother's number and Lorelai answers hurriedly.

"Hey, kid. I'm halfway through my newest Lifetime movie and I think Luke's plotting to delete it, so make it fast, unless you want to stay on the phone to hear the rest, because -"

"Mom!" Rory interrupts. "The baby's kicking!"

There's a loud gasp and Lorelai exclaims,

"It is?"

"Yeah!"

"Oh, wow!" Lorelai cries. "I want to come over!"

"Mom, it's nine o'clock at night. I'm sure the baby will kick for you on Wednesday."

"But I feel like a bad grandmother."

"Please."

"Well, tell me about it!"

"I made some coffee and I was just drinking it, and I felt something, and I wasn't sure, but then it happened again and I'm pretty sure it was a kick."

"It definitely was! It's appreciating the coffee."

Rory laughs out loud and Lorelai says sadly,

"I wish I could be there."

"You'll be here in a few days. You can gush all over it then."

"And you'll wear that cute maternity shirt we picked out?"

"I'll dress for the occasion."

"I can't wait. I'll take you for coffee afterward, hopefully the baby'll kick again then."

"If it knows what's good for it."

"It will."

Rory smiles and says,

"Mom, go back to your movie before Luke deletes it."

"Trying to get rid of me?"

"No, I just know you'll talk all night otherwise."

"Mean!"

"I'm not mean, I'm doing it for you. Don't you want to find out what happens?"

"I don't care so much now," Lorelai says emotionally. "But I'll go. Goodnight, honey."

"Goodnight, Mom."

Rory hangs up, hand on her stomach, but the baby doesn't kick again. She wishes her mother was there, so there's someone to hug and scream with, but Rory settles for celebrating with a bag of oreos and glass of orange juice. Her one craving is dunking the cookies in the juice and Rory indulges. She'll celebrate properly when she sees Lorelai, Rory thinks, and feels a little brighter when she goes to bed. She thinks of calling Jess, but awkwardly decides that it's late, and might be weird. The baby kicks off and on for the next few days and on the morning of her scan, Rory answers her phone happily when her mother rings.

"Hey, Mom! It's kicking!"

"Rory," Lorelai says. Her voice makes Rory stop and she asks quietly,

"What is it?"

"Honey," Lorelai says slowly, "My jeep broke down."

"You can't come?" Rory asks, voice trembling and Lorelai sounds like she's about to cry.

"I'm so sorry. I was halfway there and the light started blinking and I had to pull over. There's a problem with the engine. I called a truck but I don't think I can make it in time."

"Do you want me to reschedule?" Rory asks and Lorelai says gently,

"It's up to you, sweets. I want to go with you, more than anything, but it might be hard to get your next appointment, and you were all ready for today."

"We both were," Rory says tearfully and Lorelai says,

"Are you mad at me?"

"It's not your fault."

"It is my fault, I should have left earlier, or taken Luke's truck, or the bus, or -"

"Mom, things happen. It's okay."

"It's not okay."

"No, but it can't be helped."

"You shouldn't have to go alone."

"It's okay," Rory says, taking a deep breath. "I'll be fine. Look - I'll go and see how I feel, and if it's too hard or weird I'll try and go another time."

"Call me as soon as you're out of there."

"I will. Bye, Mom."

"Bye, angel."

Wiping at her eyes, Rory picks up her purse and looks down at her stomach.

"It's just you and me," she says. "We're going to be okay."

Rory thinks she feels a small kick and, trying to compose herself, makes her way to hospital. The waiting room feels lonely, filled with couples, and Rory jumps when they call her name.

"Rory Gilmore?" the technician asks. "Are you ready?"

"Absolutely."

Rory follows her into the room and the technician closes the door.

"Are you on your own?"

"Yes. My mother was supposed to come but she got held up."

The technician looks sympathetic and Rory shakes her head when she asks,

"Do you want to reschedule? It's a couple of weeks, but -"

"No. I want to know if it's all okay."

"Alright. Are you okay to get up?"

Rory slides herself onto the trolley and this time doesn't wait to be asked to lift her shirt. Holding the blouse out of the way, Rory winces at the cold gel and nods when asked if she's ready.

"Here we go," the technician says. "Has everything been feeling okay?"

"The baby's been kicking."

"Right on time," the technician says kindly. "Okay, here it is."

She turns the screen around and Rory stares. The baby looks a lot bigger now, its legs tucked up, and the technician smiles.

"It's at a very healthy size."

"And the rest?"

"I'm going to check right now."

She focuses all over and Rory nervously asks,

"Well?"

"Everything's looking great," the technician says and Rory lets out a long breath. "Do you want to know the sex?"

Rory pauses, looking at the screen and shakes her head.

"No," she says eventually. "I'll keep it a surprise."

"Alright. Well, you should look away, as I need to check there too."

Rory dutifully turns her head until the technician announces that she's done. Sitting up, she smiles at the technician says,

"You have a very healthy baby so far. Congratulations. Are you sure you don't want to know the sex?"

"I'm sure."

"Alright. Well, I'll get you a copy of the ultrasound and pictures. We're all done. You can clean up now."

"Thanks."

Rory wipes the gel off, goes to the bathroom and slowly makes her way home. The pictures are in her purse and Rory is happy, giddy with relief that the baby's okay, but she can't stop the pall of sadness. Trying to shake it, Rory calls Lorelai who answers instantly.

"Was it okay?"

"Everything's fine. Ten fingers and toes."

"I so wish I was there," Lorelai says. "And I'm so happy, Rory! Did you find out what it is?"

Her voice is tingled with excitement and Rory smiles ruefully as she tells her,

"No, I didn't."

"You didn't ask?" Lorelai exclaims. "I thought you wanted to know!"

"I wasn't sure."

"But you hate surprises."

"I do not. Besides, the most important thing is that it's healthy."

"Of course it is, I just expected you to ask. Well, the town will be disappointed. They're betting on that too."

"Oh jeez," Rory says in disgust. "Tell me you're not betting on your grandchild."

"I'm not," Lorelai says defensively. "I'm sure it's a girl. I didn't ask to be part of it."

"Mom, aren't you going to feel guilty taking a load of money if you're right?"

"Hey, I'm not committed to any of it. And I'll use the money for baby gifts."

"If you're right."

" _If_ I am."

Rory smiles but feels the sadness again as Lorelai says gently,

"I wish I could have come. More than anything, sweets."

"I know. It's okay, Mom."

"It's not, but I'll make up for it."

"I'm going to hold you to that. We're meeting up next week, right?"

"You got a list prepared?" Lorelai jokes. "Yes, kid. I'll see you then."

They say their goodbyes and Rory clutches the phone in her lap. Her unhappiness settles all over, anchoring her mind, and without thinking Rory dials Logan's number. It rings and rings and finally Logan answers.

"Rory? What's up?"

"What's up?" Rory shouts angrily. "I'll tell you what's up! I'm pregnant and you haven't asked how I am at all!"

"Rory -"

"I'm five months pregnant," Rory says, tears spilling and dropping on her blouse. "And you haven't called once."

"I've been busy."

"You've been _busy_? Are you serious?"

"Rory, you said that's what you wanted! You wanted to do it without me!"

"But I'm still pregnant," Rory says, voice shaking. "You could have called."

"Rory, don't. You wanted a break. I said we could get married."

"I don't want to get married!" Rory shouts. "I just want you to care!"

"I do care!"

"I'm doing this all on my own," Rory says tearfully. "I had my ultrasound today and I had to go alone. My mom couldn't make it and I had to find out if our kid was okay without anyone there. I'm doing this by myself and it's scary, and you haven't called once since I found out."

"Is it all okay?" Logan asks and Rory cries,

"Yes, it's all okay! But I'm not, Logan! I'm having a baby in a few months and I've been freaking out and trying to act like I'm not and defending you, and I don't even know why."

"Ace -"

"Don't call me that! Why haven't you been there?"

"I got married."

"I know. I saw the pictures Honor sent me."

"She shouldn't have done that."

"She didn't know. Besides, it's not the point. You didn't make time."

"I haven't had any!"

"You had the time to make calls when you were engaged," Rory snaps. "You didn't mind calling when we were hooking up, paying for me to come see you, but now I'm pregnant - it's not a priority, right? It's just your embarrassing secret."

"Don't say that."

"It's true, isn't it?"

"Of course it's not true. I think about you all the time."

"If you do, you should have talked to me. What if something hadn't been okay? What if the baby was gone or there was something wrong or if I wasn't okay - and I'm not," Rory sobs. "I'm not. Do you know how unhappy I've been? My grandmother's not speaking to me and I had a fight with my friend and I'm trying to be calm. And you've got married while I'm trying to figure this out and learn to do it all, and you'll never tell Odette."

There's a pause and Rory presses,

"Will you?"

"I thought you wanted this," Logan says eventually and Rory takes a shuddering breath, wiping her eyes.

"I don't want you to be with me," she says eventually. "But I want you to care. I want you ask how I am, ask about the baby. But you don't, and you haven't. You didn't even know I had my ultrasound today."

"You didn't tell me."

"You didn't want to know."

"I'm sorry," Logan says. His voice is serious and Rory shrugs, able to envisage his face.

"I knew it could never work," she says eventually. "Even without this. But I missed you."

"I missed you too."

"You miss what we had," Rory says honestly. She waits, but Logan doesn't deny it.

"I'm sorry," Logan says again. "Rory, I - I still want to know when the baby comes. Did you find out what it is?"

"No," Rory says coldly. "You'll have to wait. If you can stand to."

"Rory."

"I'm going to go," Rory says, squeezing her eyes shut. "And don't worry, I'm not going to call again. Not unless it's about the baby. You're busy, right?"

"You can call me."

"I don't want to."

"Rory -"

"We both messed up," Rory says. "I'm not asking you to change anything for me, or to leave Odette, but you should have called. Even if we're not together. I deserve that much."

"I wasn't trying to hurt you."

"Forget it, Logan. I'll call when the baby comes. Goodbye."

Rory pauses, half expecting Logan to protest, beg her to stay on the line, but he simply says,

"Goodbye, Rory."

Rory ends the call and lies back against the cushion, tears streaming. She wonders if her child will ever understand the truth she refused to believe - being an adult is impossibly hard.


	15. Chapter 15

**Thanks for the feedback! I don't think Logan should have constantly called Rory but he could have left a message asking if everything was okay**

On Thursday Rory calls Jess, and he answers almost instantly.

"Hey!"

"Hi," Rory says happily. "How was Omaha?"

"Not the most exciting place but the people were cool."

"That's good."

"How was...?"

"Everything's fine," Rory says quickly. "The baby started kicking too."

"That's great!"

"Yeah, it is."

Rory smiles down the line and asks,

"So did you still want to go for coffee? I can tell you about the ultrasound."

"Sounds good. How about Sunday? I'll come to yours."

"See you then."

Rory spends most of Sunday morning at her desk. She's started to write more, feeling the block lessen, and the stories are slipping easily from her pen. Rory stops only for drinks and bathroom breaks, jumping occasionally when the baby kicks, and again when her phone chimes to say Jess is outside. Rory buzzes him through and opens the door before Jess arrives. He rounds the staircase and stops, smiling as he walks over to her.

"Hey."

"Hey."

Rory didn't feel awkward on the phone but now Jess is here, their fight hangs between them and Rory is shy. Jess looks similar, hesitating and sticking his hands in his pockets.

"So, do you want to come in?" Rory asks, breaking the silence.

"Sure."

"I just need to get my jacket," Rory says. Jess nods, following her inside, and points at the desk.

"Have you been writing?"

"Yeah," Rory says shyly, buttoning her jacket up with some difficulty. "I've actually got a lot done."

"That's awesome."

"I hope it's good."

"I know it is."

Rory smiles, shrugging and says,

"I hope so. I'm ready to go."

"Right," Jess says quickly, going back over to the door. He waits for Rory and then grins.

"What?" Rory asks and he says,

"You've definitely got a bump now."

"Oh, I know," Rory groans. "And this is as small as it'll be!"

They laugh and make their way to the coffee shop. It takes Rory longer now and she's tired as she sinks down in a seat opposite Jess.

"So tell me about the ultrasound," Jess says, leaning forward. "What did they say?"

"They said congratulations, it's a healthy baby! I didn't find out the sex."

"Any reason?"

Rory shrugs, sipping her coffee.

"I hadn't decided," she says, "and it just didn't feel like the moment."

Jess nods and Rory says,

"I had to go by myself."

"No way - I thought your mom was going with you."

"She was. The jeep broke down and no one else could go with me."

"Rory, that's so crappy."

Rory shrugs again, trying to make light.

"There wasn't anything I could do. Anyway, I decided to wait. The most important thing is that the baby's healthy."

"Totally."

Rory tries to smile but Jess frowns.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

"Rory."

"I called Logan," Rory says, looking away. "I was so mad, and it was hard, going by myself, and I just felt so awful and lonely and I yelled at him. I told him he doesn't care."

"What did he say?"

"He said it's what I wanted."

Rory looks up and Jess's eyes are filled with concern, which somehow makes her feel worse.

"I mean, I told him I wanted a break," she says, feeling the ache in her chest again. "And I never expected him to come over here, it's just - I feel like he doesn't want to know at all. He hasn't called or messaged me to see if I'm okay. I thought maybe he'd do that. And it's hard. I knew it would be hard, but I feel so alone and -"

"You're not alone."

"I'm doing this stuff alone," Rory says, her voice wobbling. "I had to go to the ultrasound alone. And I got home and something snapped and I was just yelling. And I feel stupid for thinking it would be any better."

Rory concentrates on her cup of coffee, scared she's going to start crying. She takes a big sip but looks up when Jess says,

"I'm sorry about what happened. When I came over."

"It's okay," Rory says quietly. "I think I do wish Logan was different sometimes."

"But I wasn't mad at you, and I don't judge you," Jess says seriously. "I don't want you think that."

"I know," Rory says. She looks up, smiling across the steam from her cup. "It's okay, Jess."

Jess smiles too, sitting back and Rory adds,

"I was kind of mad at myself too. I'm all mixed up."

Jess nods sympathetically and Rory reaches into her purse, picking out a picture.

"Do you want to see the ultrasound?" she asks and Jess nods, taking the picture and holding it to the light.

"Wow."

"What do you think?"

"It's a lot bigger," Jess says honestly and Rory laughs.

"That's what I thought. It looks more like a baby now."

"It's got a nose and everything," Jess remarks, examining it. "Maybe don't tell the kid that's the first thing I noticed."

"I'm sure its feelings won't be hurt."

"Do you think it'll be a reader? Have that nose in books?"

"I don't know! It has to be born first."

"Well, it looks smart," Jess says, handing the picture back. "Got any names picked out?"

"Not really. Everyone's expecting me to call it Lorelai if it's a girl, though."

"Are you?"

"I might go another way," Rory says thoughtfully. "I mean, I like the tradition but I'd want her to have her own name. I just don't know what that'd be."

Jess nods and asks,

"So do you think it's a girl?"

"I feel like it is, but I don't know. I didn't find out. I'm just glad it's okay."

"Absolutely," Jess says, handing the picture back. He sips his drink before saying,

"Rory, if you need someone to go with, for stuff like that, you can call me. If you want."

Rory looks at him in surprise and Jess quickly says,

"I mean, if you don't want you go on your own. If your mom can't make it and you don't want to go by yourself."

"Thanks, Jess," Rory says, touched. A warmth is spreading through her chest, dissipating the sadness she felt before, and Jess smiles, sounding shy as he says,

"Of course."

Silently, they sip their coffee and then Rory puts down her cup and says,

"Tell me about Omaha. I haven't asked about your trip at all."

"There's not a lot to tell," Jess says. "We really just stayed in the office and talked, and then we went to a bar."

"Oh yeah?" Rory teases. "Hook up at all?"

Jess smiles but looks embarrassed and Rory says,

"Oh! Did you-?"

"No," Jess says hastily. "But one of the writers asked if I wanted to go for a drink."

"Right," Rory says, feeling slightly stunned. "But isn't Omaha kind of far?"

"She lives in New York."

"That makes sense," Rory says. "So what did you say?"

"I said I'd get back to her."

Rory nods. She stares down at her cup, wishing there was coffee left to drink, when Jess interrupts her thought.

"I don't know if I'm going to go. I wasn't even going to mention it."

"Why not?"

"Because - well, I haven't decided."

"Do you like her?"

"She's a cool person. I don't know her all that well."

"I guess that's what the drink's for," Rory says, trying to joke. "That, or - never mind."

"It'd just be a drink," Jess says. "Anyway, it's not a definite plan."

"Sure," Rory says, trying to even her tone. "Well, I'm glad you had a good time."

"I'm glad I'm back," Jess says and Rory nods. "It's good to see you."

"You too," Rory says. Her awkwardness is distracted by a kick and she exclaims, putting a hand on her stomach.

"What is it?" Jess asks, instantly up and by her chair and Rory smiles, shaking her head.

"It's nothing. It's the baby kicking."

"I don't think that's nothing," Jess says and Rory laughs.

"I just meant everything's fine."

Jess smiles and Rory asks carefully,

"Do you want to feel it? The kick?"

"If that's okay."

"Jess, of course it is. Put your hand there and -"

Jess slowly places his hand on the bump and moments later the flutter comes again. A look of wonder crosses Jess's face and Rory smiles.

"Pretty cool, huh?"

"It's your baby," Jess says. He takes his hand away and then he and Rory laugh a little. "I mean -it's very cool, Rory."

"It is. It feels more real now."

Jess smiles and Rory says,

"When I saw Mom yesterday the baby didn't kick right away and she pleaded with it for ten minutes, and then it wouldn't stop. I've created a monster."

"Rosemary's baby."

"Exactly what Mom said."

"I think it just wants to tease," Jess says and Rory laughs.

"Oh, great. It's running circles around me already."

They look up as more people come in and Rory gets up. The rest of the tables are full, and as she and Jess have finished their coffee, they walk outside, where it's starting to drizzle.

"Up to anything for the rest of the day?" Jess asks and Rory shrugs.

"I might do some more writing. I think I've got through that block I was having."

"That's great."

"Yeah. Actually, I feel a lot better after talking to Logan. As horrible as it was, I think it's cleared my head a bit."

"I think it's good you spoke to him," Jess says and Rory nods.

"I hope so. I might talk to my grandmother again, too. Or try to."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I think it's worth a shot. She might not listen, but I don't want us fighting until the baby's born, or wait sixteen years. I should go before I'm too big to travel."

Jess chuckles at that and Rory asks,

"So do you think you'll see that writer?"

"I don't know," Jess says. "I'll think about it."

"Well - will you tell me?"

"Sure," Jess says quietly. "I'll tell you."

They stand still, half-smiling, until the rain begins to pour.


	16. Chapter 16

**Thanks for the generous feedback! I'll be more careful with naming Jess's place of work as well!**

The following Friday Rory goes to Stars Hollow. She and Lorelai watch movies, go to Luke's and walk around the town but Rory opts out of the town meeting. There have been enough encounters with the townsfolk asking after the baby.

"I don't have the energy," Rory says. "Especially as I'm seeing Grandma tomorrow."

"Are you ready?" Lorelai asks anxiously. "My mother can be very scary."

"I know, but it's worth trying. You said so yourself."

"I guess," Lorelai says doubtfully. "Well, you're braver than I was. When I was expecting you I tried to put at least a room between us for the full nine months."

The next day, Rory drives to the ferry, stopping off at Hartford. She slowly drives past her grandparents' old house, considering going to look, but changes her mind. It's not their place anymore and Rory proceeds to the cemetery, where she takes a bouquet of flowers and carefully kneels at Richard's grave. Taking the old flowers away, she places the new blooms down and says,

"Hey, Grandpa. It's me."

Rory waits for a minute in the silence and then says,

"I'm having a baby. I guess you know that, if you can see what's going on from up there, but I'm telling you anyhow. I miss telling you stuff. I mean, I don't think you'd be crazy about this but I miss your advice. Even though I don't know what you'd say."

Rory takes a breath, tucking her hair behind her ears, and says,

"It wasn't planned. Logan's the father. I don't know if that'd make it any different, but anyway, I'm having the baby and it's his. I think it's a girl, but if it's a boy, I'm going to name him after you. I think you'd like that."

Rory reaches out, tracing her hand over the stone, and says,

"I'm going to see Grandma. We had a big fight when I told her the news and I'm not surprised she's mad. If you can help her understand, from where you are, can you? I know it's strange to ask. But you get it."

Rory smiles to herself and slowly gets up, placing a hand on her bump, and says,

"I wish the baby could meet you. I'm going to talk about you all the time. I miss you so much, Grandpa. I think half the reason I got in that mess was Logan was because I was so sad, when I lost you. I know it's not an excuse, but it made everything seem okay, at least for a while. But I know it was dumb."

Rory takes a breath and says again,

"I'm writing a book. I'm putting in all that stuff, the Friday night dinners, the books you gave me, the time you took me golfing. It's good to remember. I miss you. We all do. See you, Grandpa."

Footsteps disturb her thoughts and Rory turns to see a crowd of mourners enter the cemetery. Quickly, she brushes her knees and walks back to the car, feeling a little more at peace.

The rest of the journey is smooth and, to Rory's relief, she isn't sick on the ferry this time. She walks slowly around the deck, clutching the rail and takes deep breaths of the salty air. It seems to excite the baby, who kicks relentlessly, and Rory puts a hand on her stomach. She hopes to calm the baby, and herself more, almost running back as they dock and depart. Instead, Rory gets back in the car, and closes her eyes before starting the engine, hoping for some of her grandfather's tenacity.

When Rory gets to the museum Emily's loud voice greets her first. Going into the room, Rory sees her grandmother giving a talk to a small group. Standing at the back, Rory leans against the wall to listen.

"You can't picture the gore," Emily says, gesturing with her hands. "There would have been buckets of blood, bathtubs full! And all the other messy things. They would lance the whale over and over as it thrashed, but they never gave up until the creature was dead. I imagine they swallowed half the whale's blood themselves."

Emily stops for breath and then frowns.

"Is that child going to vomit? He looks like he might vomit."

"I'm taking him outside for air," a woman says angrily, and Rory moves aside as a blonde woman and small, weeping boy hurry past. As she looks up, Rory sees Emily notice her. Rory waves awkwardly and Emily stares, making the rest of the group turn to look.

"My granddaughter, Rory," Emily says briefly. Rory worries that she'll be expected to go the front but Emily simply says,

"That's all for today. Thank you for coming and please take a leaflet on the way out."

Rory waits for Emily to come over before saying,

"Very impressive."

"Thank you."

Her grandmother's tone is cold but not angry, and Rory lets out a long breath when Emily says,

"Do you want to go and have some coffee?"

"That sounds great."

The two walk in silence back to the Sandcastle. Rory concentrates on the pinkish horizon and wishes she could move faster than the baby allows. She still can't get used to the sight of her grandmother in such casual clothes, but Rory feels it's not the moment to remark. Once inside the house, Emily takes off her jacket and says,

"I didn't know you were coming."

"I know. I'm sorry."

Rory waits but Emily goes to the kitchen, making the drinks and emerges with two cups on a tray.

"I daresay I shouldn't be encouraging coffee consumption," Emily remarks, handing a cup to Rory and sitting down. "Your mother didn't listen and look what happened with you. A pure addict!"

Rory smiles nervously and Emily observes,

"You're certainly showing now."

Rory takes a big sip before putting the cup down and taking a deep breath.

"Grandma, I'm sorry," she says before she can lose her nerve. "I'm sorry that things happened the way we did and I'm sorry we fought. I'm sorry you're hurt."

Emily looks down and Rory goes on,

"I'm not going to get married. I know that's not what you want, and the last thing I want is to disappoint you, but it's not what's best. I know it isn't. And I know you disagree, and I'm not trying to change your mind, but it's what I've decided. And I don't want us to fight. I don't want it to be sixteen years before we talk."

Emily doesn't say anything and Rory says nervously,

"That's it," and picks her cup up again.

"I don't want us to fight either," Emily says eventually. "Rory, I said some things in haste. I didn't mean them."

"That's okay."

"No, it isn't. I was upset, and I do think it's better for a child to have a mother and a father, but I also want what's best for you."

Rory nods and says,

"Logan's married now anyway."

"I know he is," Emily says, her voice kind. Rory hesitates before asking,

"Did you tell Mitchum and Shira?"

"No. It was your wish that I didn't."

Rory exhales and Emily says slowly,

"I was angry, when I said those things. And I didn't mean - I shouldn't have said what I did about Richard."

Rory looks away this time and Emily says gently,

"Your grandfather could never be disgusted with you."

"I don't know," Rory says, trying to smile. "It wasn't the greatest decision."

"He may have been angry but he loved you very much. You were the world to him, and this baby would be too. Even if it wasn't the plan."

Rory feels a lump in her throat but looks up.

"I'm sorry, Grandma," she says in a small voice and Emily nods.

"I'm sorry too."

"When I said what I did about missing Grandpa," Rory says haltingly, "I didn't mean it as an excuse, or not my mess-up. I just meant I was sad."

"I know," Emily says quietly. "I know you weren't blaming him. It's alright, Rory."

"So are we okay?" Rory asks and Emily chuckles.

"I'm getting my head around it, but we're okay, Rory. We're cool, as your mother might say."

They both laugh at that and Rory picks up her purse, taking the ultrasound picture out.

"Look, Grandma. I got this a couple of weeks ago."

"Oh," Emily says breathlessly, staring at it. "It's so clear. You can see it perfectly."

"The doctor says it's fine. Everything's healthy."

"It wasn't like this when I had your mother," Emily remarks. "I didn't even have an ultrasound, let alone finding out if it was a boy or a girl. Did you?"

"No," Rory tells her. "But if it's a boy, I think I'll name him after Grandpa. Do you think he would have liked that?"

"He would have loved that," Emily says. Her voice is normal but her eyes are bright as she hands the picture back. "He would be honoured. And he'd be just as thrilled if it's a girl."

"I know he would."

"You know, when your mother was born he simply couldn't stop beaming. Everyone kept saying what a shame it was he didn't have a son but he just said _, I have a girl. I have a daughter. I'm the luckiest man alive._ "

Rory smiles at the image and Emily adds,

"And when you were born he said you were even more beautiful than Lorelai."

"What did Mom say to that?"

"She said it wasn't fair as she'd just been in labour for twenty-six hours."

Rory laughs loudly and Emily says seriously,

"I wish your grandfather were here."

"Me too," Rory says quietly. "I put flowers on his grave on the way."

"Thank you, Rory," Emily says, reaching out to touch her granddaughter's knee. "It means a lot."

The door opens and both look up as Berta bursts in, exclaiming in a torrent of language Rory can't follow, kissing her cheeks and pointing at her bump. Rory smiles, guessing she's excited about the baby, and Berta rushes into the kitchen, reappearing with a pitcher of lemonade and a plate of cookies.

"They're very good," Emily remarks, taking a cookie. "Try one. Are you enjoying normal food?"

"Mostly. I'm mainly hungry all the time."

"I remember that," Emily remarks. "And back then, there wasn't half the information to read. I had a medical dictionary and a women's book my mother gave me when I got married, written by a man, of course. All about pleasing my husband and what to expect when I had a baby."

Rory smiles, afraid to ask what advice was in it, but Emily goes on,

"And my doctor was a dolt. He kept calling the baby _he_ , even when Lorelai was born. He retired shortly afterwards and then I had a doctor who was slightly more up to date."

"Was it okay? Having Mom?"

"It was tiring," Emily says thoughtfully. "It was such a long time ago, but I just remember being exhausted, yet I couldn't sit still. Richard would have a fit because he'd come home from work to find me outside in the yard, but I couldn't stand being cooped up indoors. Well, it didn't do any harm. If anything I'd say it's probably why your mother's so stubborn. I remember they told me she'd take a lot longer to be born than she was, but Lorelai insisted on making an early entrance. Richard's mother was furious because it was on the same day as her garden party, and Richard wouldn't leave the hospital."

Rory smiles and Emily says,

"It's going to be fine, Rory. I remember being terrified when I found out I was expecting - I didn't tell anyone but I was very scared - yet I managed. I remember being pregnant feeling like it would never end, and then once it was over it seemed so fast. I believe it'll be the same for you."

"It doesn't feel that long ago that I found out," Rory says honestly. "But it seems so long until I'm due."

"It'll go by fast."

Rory can't agree or argue so pours herself a glass of lemonade, biting into a cookie. It's the most delicious thing she's tasted in months and Emily laughs at her expression.

"I told you they were good. Would you like to stay for dinner? Berta's making something wonderful."

"Okay," Rory decides, and Emily offers,

"You can stay the night also, if you wish. It's a long way to travel."

"I'm staying with Mom."

"It's still a long way. You should stay tonight."

"Alright," Rory says, after a pause. Her body's starting to ache and the knot of nervousness has loosened. "Thanks, Grandma. I'd love to."

"I'll go tell Berta," Emily says, getting to her feet. Once she's left the room, Rory gets up and kisses her fingers, touching her grandfather's portrait.

"Thanks," she whispers. "Grandma's okay."

After dinner, Rory and Emily take their glasses outside. It's a chilly night but the stars are clear and they wrap up warm, Emily sipping red wine and Rory more lemonade.

"It's so beautiful here," Rory says and Emily nods.

"Yes, it is."

They drink in silence for a moment and Emily asks,

"What are you going to do when the baby comes?"

"Well, Mom's going to help."

"Yes, but is she going to be in New York with you or will you go to that strange town?"

"New York," Rory says. "But I'll come home a lot."

"You can stay with me," Emily says after a moment. "There's a whole spare room."

"Oh, Grandma, I couldn't."

"Rory, you can't be all alone in that apartment! It's too small!"

"Grandma, you haven't seen it."

"It's a New York apartment, and I'm imagining not on the Upper East Side."

"Grandma, it means a lot, but I'm really okay."

Emily puts her glass down, moving to face Rory and says,

"You are? All on your own?"

"I'm not all on my own," Rory says, trying to sound bright. "There's Mom and Luke and Jess and -"

"Jess? Who's Jess?"

Rory concentrates on sipping her lemonade, relieved that the night can't show her red cheeks, but Emily insists,

"Who's Jess?"

"He's a friend of mine."

"A friend?"

"Not like that," Rory says, reading her tone. "He's Luke's nephew. You met him at the wedding."

"Hold on a moment," Emily says, suddenly fierce in the moonlight. "I remember him. He was that boy, wasn't he? That ghastly thug you brought over for dinner."

"That was a long time ago, Grandma."

"He turned up late, he was rude to you, rude to me and then left before dinner. Oh, I remember him!"

"Grandma, it was a bad night for him, and a really, really long time ago. Jess is a great guy. He was a great guy then, too."

Emily snorts at that and Rory rolls her eyes.

"Grandma, he's not eighteen anymore. He's a writer and he lives in Philadelphia and he stayed at Mom's for Christmas. He's really been there for me."

"So you have feelings for this man?"

"What?" Rory asks, caught off-guard, and Emily repeats patiently,

"You like him. He's always around."

"He's a good friend," Rory says, trying to sound casual. "He wants to know how I am."

"I'll bet."

"Grandma, he's concerned about me and the baby. It's nothing more. Anyway, he has a date next week. Potentially."

"A date?"

"Maybe. I don't know."

"And how do you feel about that?" Emily asks mildly and Rory shrugs, making some of the lemonade spill.

"I want him to be happy."

"That's a rather loaded response for a friend simply going on a date."

"Well, it shouldn't be," Rory says in frustration and Emily grins.

"I agree."

Rory focuses on drinking the last of her lemonade, wishing she'd taken the late ferry back. She waits for Emily to drink her wine before saying,

"Jess and I are just friends. It doesn't matter to me if he goes on a date or not. Besides, I'm pregnant."

"He knows you outside that," Emily says enigmatically. "And so do you."

Before Rory can ask what that means, her grandmother wraps her shawl more tightly around her shoulders.

"It's cold. We should go in."

Rory nods, but as she turns to go in the baby kicks and she stops, exclaiming,

"Grandma!"

"What? What is it?" Emily asks anxiously and Rory smiles.

"The baby's kicking. Do you want to feel it?"

Carefully, Emily puts her hand on the bump and then gasps, "Oh!" as the baby kicks again. She smiles at Rory, who says, "That's your great-grandchild."

"That's my great-grandchild," Emily says. She sounds almost dazed, but takes Rory's hand firmly and smiles, leading her inside with the stars gleaming behind them.


	17. Chapter 17

**Thanks for the feedback!**

On Friday, Jess calls. Rory is absently tidying the apartment, feeling sluggish, but brightens as she says,

"Hey. How's it going?"

"Good," Rory replies, settling down at the table. "I went to see Grandma."

"Yeah? How'd it go?"

"It all worked out. We're okay now."

"That's really great."

"It is." Rory smiles, placing a hand on her bump, and asks, "How are things with you?"

"Fine. I'm actually heading to New York tomorrow. I'm going for that drink."

"Oh." Rory sits up, trying to mask her surprise as she says, "With that writer?"

"Yeah, she asked again. It could be fun."

"Well, sure."

"Anyway, I wondered if you wanted to meet for coffee or something. Before I go."

"Coffee?" Rory repeats stupidly. "I mean, yes. Cool."

"Good. I'll see you tomorrow then? About five?"

"It's a date. I mean -"

"Got it. See you then."

Rory hangs up, wincing at her awkwardness. Sitting back, she's distracted at the baby kicking.

"Cool it, kid," she exclaims as it kicks again. "Trying to say something?"

The baby calms but Rory is unable to shake her frustration. Going to the sink, she washes some plates with more vigour than necessary and says out loud,

"It's fine."

On Saturday Jess comes over. He's wearing a blazer, shirt and black pants and when Rory opens the door she remarks, "You're all dressed up."

"Too dressed up?" Jess asks, glancing down, and Rory shakes her head.

"You look nice."

"Thanks."

Rory smiles awkwardly and Jess asks,

"You okay?"

"Huh?"

"You and the baby, everything okay?"

"Everything's fine," Rory says quietly. An angry hurt suddenly smarts and she busies herself with going into the kitchen and getting a bottle of water.

"Want one?" she asks bluntly and Jess shakes his head.

"I'm fine."

"Great."

Rory wrenches the top off, taking deep sips and shuts the refrigerator with a slam. Jess frowns and asks,

"Everything okay?"

"I just said I'm fine."

"You seem mad at the refrigerator. Is it giving you the cold shoulder?"

Jess grins at his pun but Rory refuses to smile.

"I'm fine. Let me get my purse."

Rory picks it up, trying to sound casual as she says,

"So when are you meeting her? Your date?"

"At eight."

Rory nods and as she turns, Jess gets his phone out and shows her a picture.

"Her name's Sarah."

"She looks nice," Rory says shortly. Sarah has auburn curls and a wide smile and Rory feels drab as she pulls on her old jacket, slinging her purse over her shoulder. Rory suddenly wishes she'd dressed up a little, but then thinks there's probably no point. Jess is going on a date with Sarah anyway. Rory's quiet as they make their way to the coffee shop, giving short answers to Jess's answers, but is irritable when he asks,

"Is something wrong?"

"I've already told you I'm fine, twice."

"You seem upset. Is it pregnancy stuff?"

"No, it's not pregnancy stuff!" Rory exclaims, putting her spoon down. "Believe it or not, it's not the only thing that can affect me!"

"I never said that!"

"It's all everyone asks!" Rory flings back. "If I'm upset it has to be the baby!"

"Then why are you upset?"

"I'm not upset!"

"You sound upset."

"Maybe I'm upset because I feel like I'm nothing apart from this!"

Rory stares at her mug, feeling her cheeks colour, and finally looks up to see Jess frowning in concern.

"When did I make you feel like that?"

"You didn't," Rory mumbles. "I'm sorry. I'm just in a bad mood and I snapped. Forget it, I'm sorry."

"So are you going to tell me why you're in a bad mood?" Jess asks, leaning over. "Is it your mom? Your grandma? Have they made you feel like that?"

"No. Well, a little, but it's not that."

"Then what is it?"

Rory shrugs and Jess insists,

"What?"

"Nothing. It doesn't matter."

"Did I do something?"

"You didn't do anything."

Rory picks up her cup, sipping the coffee even though it's gone cold, and Jess exclaims,

"Rory, I'm not a mind reader. If you're mad at me, tell me!"

"I'm not mad at you!"

"Then why are you in this funk?"

"I don't know! I just - look, it's not a big deal. You should concentrate on going to see Sarah."

"Rory, I think I can care about both."

"I'm sure she'll be much better company."

Rory knows she sounds sour and Jess asks,

"Do you not want me to go out with her?"

"I never said that."

"Not what I'm asking."

Rory is silent and Jess groans.

"Come on Rory, we're not eighteen anymore. If you don't want me to go out with her, say that!"

"I don't want you to - I mean, I don't want you not to. It's not my business."

"It's not about that. I'm asking if it bothers you."

"Why would it?"

"Tell me."

Jess stares across the table at her and Rory feels her anger fade, replaced by a familiar kind of shyness.

"I...I...Jess, I just want you to be happy."

"What does that mean?" Jess asks quietly and Rory takes a deep breath.

"I think you should go out with Sarah, if you like her. Do you like her?"

"I hardly know her."

"You should go tonight. Get to know her."

"I should?" Jess echoes and Rory nods.

"I guess I will then," he says. "Okay."

Jess drinks the last of his coffee before saying,

"You know I don't see you as just this, right?"

"Huh?"

"You know before? When you said you're sick of everyone only seeing you as pregnant? I think of you as you. Does that make sense?"

"It makes sense," Rory says, smiling. "Thanks."

Jess smiles too and Rory adds,

"But it's complicated. All of this."

Jess looks at her carefully and says,

"It's just complex."

Rory nods, her chest tight, and asks,

"Where are you meeting Sarah?"

"Ah, it's not too far."

"But you don't want to be late, right?"

"Right. Come on, I'll take you back."

"I'm fine. Go on, Jess. Tell me how it went later."

"If you're sure," Jess says and Rory nods firmly.

"I'm sure."

"Okay. I'll talk to you later."

Jess walks with Rory to the subway and kisses her cheek goodbye.

"Have fun," Rory says. "I mean -"

"I know what you mean," Jess laughs. "Thanks. See you later."

"See you."

Rory spends the evening feverishly clicking between television stations, unable to focus. Her mind flashes back to her conversation with Emily, her grandmother's words fresh in her mind after saying she wanted Jess to be happy. _Rather a loaded response_. But it doesn't matter, Rory tells herself. Jess is out with Sarah and she's here, pregnant. She can't want anything else with Jess. Finally, Rory falls asleep to a Hallmark movie and jerks awake at a buzz of the intercom. Going over, she asks blearily, "Who is it?"

"It's me," comes Jess's voice. Rory's sleepiness evaporates and she asks,

"Jess?"

"Can I come up?"

"I - yes, come up."

Rory lets him through, half-wondering if she's dreaming until she opens the door. Jess stands there, his shirt loose at the collar, and Rory asks,

"What are you doing here?"

"I said I'd see you later."

"Yes, but - you live in Philadelphia."

Jess laughs and Rory smiles too, still confused as she asks,

"But you were only here to see Sarah."

"Not true," Jess says and Rory frowns.

"Did it go badly?"

"It didn't go badly," Jess says seriously, staring into her eyes. "It just wasn't right with her."

"Jess -"

"I miss you," Jess says determinedly. "And when I saw Sarah, I felt it. I miss you. I nearly didn't go tonight, and Sarah's great, but she's not you. I want to be with you."

Rory stares and Jess says,

"I thought maybe that's why you didn't want me to go either. Is it?"

"I...Jess, it's so complicated right now."

"Doesn't matter," Jess says staunchly, stepping forward. "It's not too much. Is it how you feel? Do you miss me too?"

"Yes," Rory admits, taking his wrists. "I miss you too. But Jess, it's so - are you sure?"

"I've never been more sure about anything. Rory, can I kiss you?"

"You'd better," Rory says. She looks into his warm brown eyes as Jess wraps his arms around her, closing her eyes as his lips meet hers. Nothing has changed but right now none of it matters, and Rory melts into him as her heart alights.


	18. Chapter 18

**Thanks so much for the feedback!**

Jess's arms caress her, over and over, and Rory sighs into him. She can't remember the last time she was touched like this, held like this, with such a sheer sense of longing. They kiss and kiss and lie down on her bed and, as Jess reaches under her blouse, Rory leans up and says, "Jess -"

"Do you want to?" he asks, looking into her eyes and she nods.

"Yes. Are you sure?"

"I'm more than sure."

He takes off her blouse and unlocks her bra, easing it off, and Rory pulls Jess to her. Frantically, she unbuttons his shirt, tugging it off, and then they're holding each other, skin to skin. Jess kisses her, her neck, her arms and her breasts and Rory is intoxicated, breathing his scent. It's new and familiar in a dizzying rush. It's Jess but not Jess and she's Rory but not Rory, they're no longer the young teenagers pretending to know what to do. Rory kisses and kisses him, feeling his heart beat, but when she reaches for his pants Jess whispers,

"Are you sure?"

"Jess, I told you."

"I know. Just checking."

"What about you?" Rory asks. He answers with a kiss and a mumbled affirmation, and as Rory unbuttons his pants Jess pauses and says,

"Do you have -?"

"Oh. No," Rory says, sitting back. "I didn't think I'd need any."

"Wait," Jess says, finding his wallet, and as he takes a condom out Rory laughs and says,

"You thought you'd get lucky?"

"Not as lucky as this," Jess says. He kisses her and Rory lies back, helping Jess with the button of her pants. Then they're lying together, nothing between them, and Rory suddenly feels shy.

"You're beautiful," Jess says and Rory smiles.

"I'm pregnant."

"Doesn't change that."

"You're beautiful too," Rory says. She wants to sound light but feels serious, latched in Jess's eyes. They look and look and as Rory reaches to touch she says, "We'd better -"

"Yeah."

Rory helps Jess slide the condom on and shyly, he moves towards her. Rory kisses him, nestling into his chest, and as Jess hesitantly reaches between her legs Rory holds his hand to guide him. She gasps with pleasure and when Jess moves closer, checking she's ready, Rory nods and wraps her legs around his. They giggle for a moment, finding the angle, but then he's there, and they're moving together. Rory holds Jess to her, closing her eyes. It's new but familiar, how she imagined yet completely different, and their bodies are one. Their skin and hair muss together, their selves jumbled, in a starry chaos.


	19. Chapter 19

**Thanks for the feedback! Rory and Jess used a condom because they hadn't talked about being free from any STDs**

Rory wakes up. Sunlight is streaming through the window and Jess wakes as Rory stirs. Blinking, he leans up and rubs his eyes.

"Hey."

"Hey."

Rory sits up, catching Jess's eyes, and he smiles.

"Did you sleep okay?" she asks and Jess nods.

"Perfectly. You?"

"Same." This isn't entirely true. Rory woke up once in a half-dream. She started, wondering why she was awake, and then remembered Jess was there. She glanced down, checking she hadn't imagined it, and Jess lay beside her, his chest comfortably rising up and down. Gently, Rory brushed his arm but Jess hadn't woken up. He let out a contented sigh and Rory slid back down, curving her hip to his. Rory surfaced out of sleep a few more times, but rested with ease.

"I'm glad," Jess says. He reaches under the covers, touching Rory's arm. Rory smiles, feeling a flutter in her chest and is suddenly shy. Jess smiles back and kisses Rory's cheek, his lips brushing her hair. Rory turns to kiss him properly, breathing in his scent, and closes her eyes as Jess holds her to him.

"So," he says, as they break apart. "Last night was -"

"Pretty amazing," Rory finishes and Jess laughs.

"Sounds about right."

Rory grins, blushing in his eyes, and Jess adds,

"We probably don't need a condom next time."

"Well, I am already knocked up," Rory jokes but says seriously, "I'm fine for other stuff."

"That's what I mean," Jess says. "I got checked out last month and I'm fine too."

Rory nods and then teases,

"So there's going to be a next time?"

"If you want one. Hope you weren't disappointed last night."

"I'll have to get back to you on that," Rory says with a smirk. Jess rolls his eyes but chuckles, stretching his arms.

"How about some coffee?"

Jess slides his legs out, tugging on his boxers from the floor and Rory gets up to go to the bathroom. She is somewhat in disbelief as she looks at herself in the mirror, her cheeks rosy and her hair mussed, and Rory feels like the careless girl she used to be. Padding back to bed, Rory lies back. She doesn't know what to think. She's happy, so happy her chest is tight with it, but she's nervous too. Rory's let her heart take the lead, something she's always kept in check. When she's failed, it leads to mistakes, she knows. The arguments cautioning her echo in her mind, yet over them all is the rush of happiness. It felt so right. Whenever she tries to stop it her heart swells and, as Jess emerges with a tray, Rory shakes her tangle of hair behind her and smiles.

"Here" Jess says, handing a cup over and Rory takes it gratefully.

"Thank you!"

Jess gets in beside her, sipping his own cup and slips his spare arm around her. They sit in comfortable silence until Rory jumps, making the coffee spill.

"What is it?" Jess asks, concerned, and Rory shakes her head, putting her cup down.

"It's just the baby. Its way of saying good morning is to kick me half the death."

Jess laughs and Rory touches her stomach to calm it.

"Hey, slow down kid. I know you're up."

Jess grins and Rory says,

"I've got a feeling this is the baby's way of warning me it's not going to let me sleep."

"You've got a lifetime to get back at it."

"It's what they say. Mom always liked to remind me how long she was in labour for, and it did not sound good. I'm guessing mine won't be quick either and I'm definitely reminding the kid about that."

They smile but Rory is serious as she says,

"Jess..."

"I know," he says, not needing clarification. "It's complex."

"It's complicated," Rory says. "You know it is - you know what's happening."

"Are you sorry we had sex?" Jess asks directly and Rory shakes her head.

"It was wonderful, it was perfect, it's just -"

"Tell me what you're afraid of."

"What if it doesn't work out?" Rory asks, after some hesitation. "You know it's complicated."

"Rory, I can't look into the future," Jess says honestly. "I can't promise we'll always be together, but I don't care that it's complicated."

"Jess -"

"I don't mean that it's not a big deal," Jess adds quickly. "You're having a baby."

"It's Logan's baby," Rory says quietly and Jess takes her hand.

"It doesn't matter."

"Yes it does," Rory insists. "I'm having a baby, and it's his baby."

"It's your baby."

"I know, but it's not just us getting together," Rory says, trying to find the words. "I mean, I'm figuring out how to be a mom and the baby's coming soon, and Logan's going to be there, at least to meet it. And I don't want to be with him, but I want him to want his kid, and it's hard, and weird, and starting a relationship might be too much."

Jess is silent for a moment and then asks,

"Do you think it's too much?"

"It could be."

"Rory."

"I want to try," Rory says hesitantly. "I want to be with you, Jess, so badly, but it might be too weird."

"It's not for me."

"But it's a complicated situation, and I have to think about the baby too. If it doesn't work out, I don't want it to feel hurt by that. It's not just me. And I can't let the baby think it was its fault, when it's older."

"Listen," Jess says, looking into her eyes. "I can't say it's going to work out for sure, or that we won't fight or break up, but it won't be because of the baby. I swear, Rory. I want to be with you, and there for you, and there for the baby. None of the other stuff changes that."

"But it's easy to say now," Rory says, her eyes bright, and Jess shakes his head.

"I know it won't be easy, when you have the baby. It doesn't change it. I've missed you, and you've missed me, and I don't want us to screw this up because we might break up. I want to be with you."

"I want to be with you too," Rory says. Her voice is quiet but she feels bold as she lifts her arms and wraps them around Jess. "I just don't want to make a mistake."

"I think we should try," Jess says, tucking some hair behind Rory's ear. "If we don't try, nothing's going to work out either way."

"I know. I want it to. Work out, I mean."

"I think we have a shot."

Jess kisses Rory and Rory kisses him back, tucking her legs around his. Silently, he moves down to her neck and when Rory lets out a moan Jess says,

"I used to imagine this when we were together."

"Really?" Rory asks, amused. "Exactly like this?"

"Well, not exactly, but the idea of you and me in bed like this, yes."

"I know," Rory laughs. "Me too."

"You did, huh?"

"Didn't you know? I told you to keep thinking what you were thinking."

"That's right." Jess grins and Rory muses,

"I can't believe how long ago it was."

"Well, we're still us. Just more mature."

"I'll go with that." Rory kisses Jess again and, as he lifts his head she smiles and says,

"Let's have our next time now."


	20. Chapter 20

**Thanks for the feedback!**

Next Saturday Lorelai goes to see Rory. The two plan to shop for baby things and, before heading out, sit at the table with coffee and discuss decorating. Lorelai has a set of paint samples and lays them out for Rory to inspect.

"So what colour do you want to go with? I think pink!"

"It might not be a girl."

"So what? Pink's cute anyway."

"It's too...pink," Rory says, wrinkling her nose, and Lorelai teases,

"I'm guessing green's out too?"

"Let's just try something more neutral," Rory says diplomatically. "I like yellow."

"Yellow's nice!" Lorelai agrees. "Hey, we could do it the same shade as your room at home."

"The same as mine?" Rory exclaims. "Man, I didn't think of that. What if the baby wants something different?"

"Rory, I don't think the baby's going to understand colour for a good few years."

"But it should have its own colour for the room!"

"You're getting wound up," Lorelai says seriously, placing her hands over the samples. "It's a great colour and the baby will like it. And if it doesn't we can go really wild and paint it something else."

"Yeah, you're right," Rory admits, smiling at herself. "It's fine."

"It's more than fine. The room will be yellow unless the baby says otherwise. So tell me," Lorelai says, slipping the samples back in her purse, "what's going on with you?"

"Well," Rory says, looking at her cup, "I actually have some news."

"News? Do tell."

"I've started seeing Jess," Rory says, nervously looking up. "We're together."

"What?" Lorelai repeats blankly and Rory says again,

"I'm with Jess."

"With Jess?" Lorelai echoes. "As in a relationship?"

"Yes."

"When did all this start?"

"Last week, actually."

"Huh." Lorelai sits back in her seat and Rory looks at her anxiously, unable to read her mother's expression.

"Mom? What do you think?"

"I - I don't know. Wow. I didn't even know you were interested in Jess that way."

"It kind of surprised me too," Rory admits. "It just sort of happened."

"I thought maybe you had a crush, but -" Lorelai shakes her head, lapsing into silence and Rory presses, "What are you thinking?"

"I don't know, Rory."

"Do you mean you don't know or that you're not saying what you think because you don't want to start a fight?"

"You're very shrewd," Lorelai remarks but sighs. "I can't tell you what to do, Rory."

"I know you can't," Rory says and Lorelai smiles sadly. "I just want to know what you think."

"Okay," Lorelai says carefully, "I'll tell you. I think this is a complicated time. You're going through a lot right now and in a few months you'll be a mother. I don't know if this is the best time for a relationship."

"I thought that too," Rory says quietly and Lorelai asks,

"So why -?"

"I missed him, Mom. He's my friend and he's been there for me this whole time, and I - look, I know it's complicated. We talked about it. We think we can try."

"But if you break up it's going to be harder than if this wasn't going on," Lorelai argues. "We're spending today buying things for your baby. Soon Jess'll be involved with a family."

"He knows. He's not going to bolt, Mom."

"I'm sure he won't," Lorelai says gently. "I'm just saying it's a big step to be taking right now, and I don't know if it's the right one. You need to concentrate on yourself and the baby. You don't need more stress."

"Mom, it feels right," Rory says after a pause. "I hear all that you're saying, I do. I told myself I wasn't going to go there because of all that."

"But what if it is too much?" Lorelai insists. "Having a baby is really hard. It's stressful for everyone, you don't sleep, you feel like hell and there was more than one day where I considered just taking off and joining the Bangles. Having a relationship as well as that -"

"Mom, do you remember when I was sixteen and broke up with Dean?" Rory interrupts. "How you said I shouldn't run away from love?"

Lorelai's expression changes as she asks,

"Do you love Jess?"

"No, I - that's not what I'm saying," Rory flounders. "I just mean, you told me not to walk away from how I felt because I was scared."

"I did," Lorelai concedes. She's silent for a moment, sipping from her cup, before saying, "I should have told you it's okay not to have a boyfriend either."

"Hey, I'm not with Jess because of that!"

"That's not what I meant," Lorelai says in frustration. "I just - when I had you I had rules. I didn't start a relationship unless I was really sure about the guy. I had to put you first."

"Do you think I'm not putting the baby first?" Rory asks quietly and Lorelai shakes her head, looking into her daughter's eyes.

"Rory. I just want you to feel really sure. I don't want you to feel like you can't do this alone."

"It's not that, Mom," Rory says fiercely. "I mean, I'm nervous about that but it's not that. You can't think that."

"Okay, okay. I would get it if you did, that's all I'm saying."

Rory nods and Lorelai leans over, taking her hands.

"I want you to be happy, Rory. I want both of you to be happy."

"I am sure, Mom," Rory says, trying to smile. "I can't swear Jess and I won't ever break up, but I'm sure enough to think this is worth it. He's not some guy I just met, he's Jess. He's been in my life for years."

"Yes, it's Jess," Lorelai says and Rory points her finger.

"Rhyme exploitation."

"Any chance."

They giggle awkwardly and Rory asks,

"So are you okay with this?"

"I still need to wrap my mind around it," Lorelai says honestly. "But if you're happy -"

"I am, Mom."

"Then I'll try and be happy for you," Lorelai says. "Is that enough?"

"It's more than enough," Rory says and they smile properly.

"You know," Lorelai says lightly, "I'm practically jealous. I never had any guys interested in me when I was pregnant."

"Dad was!"

"No, being pestered with an engagement ring doesn't count. When I was in hospital with you a guy volunteering asked me to call him when I got my figure back."

Rory laughs and Lorelai adds,

"Curiously, he never got a call."

"I'm stunned."

"I kept his number though. I put it in your baby box."

"Really?"

"Yep, right next to the candy bar wrapper I ate and tape I was listening to."

"I wonder what I'll put in mine," Rory muses and Lorelai squeezes her hand.

"You'll treasure it."

"Even the candy bar wrapper?" Rory jokes and Lorelai grins.

"That most of all. Along with the jumper I'll make."

"Are you going with a Bananarama theme again?"

"Depends on if they're still considered cool enough for fashion. Hey, weren't we going to go shopping for baby clothes?"

"As long as you keep your promise."

"What promise is that?" Lorelai asks, helping Rory up, who says,

"Not to buy onesies with cheesy slogans about being a grandmother."

"I never made such a promise."

"You said nothing embarrassing!"

"And what's embarrassing about that?" Lorelai asks in mock confusion. "Come on, let's go."


	21. Chapter 21

**Thanks for the feedback!**

The next day Rory drives to Hartford. Parking the car, she walks over to the restaurant where her father is meeting her. Christopher isn't there yet and Rory is a little relieved, pouring a glass from the jug of water the waitress brings over. She's just finished the last gulp when Christopher comes in and Rory waves awkwardly, getting up to hug him.

"Hey, kid," Christopher says uncomfortably, hugging her back. "How's it going?"

"Well, you can see," Rory says and he nods, giving an awkward laugh.

"Right."

Rory sits back down and Christopher settles in his chair, concentrating on putting his napkin on his lap and studying the menu.

"Have you ordered yet?" he asks and Rory shakes her head. "I can't decide between a burger or steak."

"Oh, I'll probably just get a sandwich. Most of it makes me feel kind of sick."

"Well, in that case I'll get a sandwich too."

"No - get what you want, it's fine."

Christopher smiles but when the waitress comes he orders a chicken sandwich after Rory asks for a tuna melt. After the waitress returns with wine for Christopher and sparkling water for Rory, Christopher takes a sip of his drink and asks,

"How's your mom?"

"Mom's fine."

"She happy?"

"Very happy," Rory says. "We went shopping yesterday."

"Did you run interference for her?"

"Actually, it was for other stuff," Rory says, glancing down. "I need to get things ready."

"I see," Christopher says. He takes a gulp of wine and says,

"So I'm going to be a grandfather."

"I guess," Rory says. Christopher takes a long drink of wine and she says,

"Sorry to dump this on you."

"Ah, it's okay," Christopher says, his voice forcedly casual. "I was the one who couldn't clear my schedule after you called...besides, you're all grown up. You're old enough to have a kid."

"Right," Rory says quietly. They drink in silence until their sandwiches are brought over and Christopher asks,

"Are you getting married?"

"No Dad, I'm not getting married," Rory says, trying to quell the rush of frustration. "He's married to someone else now. I'm going to do it without him."

"Does he know?"

"Yes, he knows! Dad, I don't want to get into this."

"Rory, I just don't think it's right for you to do this all on your own. I don't know the details but -"

"No, you don't," Rory snaps. "You don't know the details. You never have. You just waltz in and decide."

"Hey!"

"It's always been that way. When I was a kid you'd come see me, say you wanted to be a family and take off all over again."

"That's not fair," Christopher argues and Rory folds her arms. Christopher sits back, looking away and swallows more wine.

"Look, Dad, I didn't come here for permission," Rory says eventually. "I'm here to tell you, not ask you what to do."

"And I can't offer advice?"

"That'd be a first," Rory says drily. Christopher closes his eyes and then says,

"I know I wasn't the greatest father, okay. I'm saying this because I want it to be easier for you. You shouldn't have to do it all on your own."

"So if you and Mom had got married, you'd have been a better dad?"

"I'd have tried."

"But you could have tried anyway," Rory says, voice shaking. "Even if Mom didn't want to get married, you still could have been my dad."

"I am your dad."

"You know what I mean. You could have seen me more."

"Rory, she made it clear it would always be you and her."

"But Mom never stopped you from seeing me," Rory argues. "We lived half an hour from Hartford and you didn't visit until I was sixteen. You lived all over the country and you never told us when you were moving or changing your number. And then Sherry got pregnant and you stayed with her. That was your call. You didn't need to marry Mom to be my dad."

"I know," Christopher says quietly. "I was stupid, but I loved her. I loved both of you."

"But you think getting married would have fixed that."

"Rory, I was so young. I didn't know how to do it without her."

"Dad, I think if you were too young to know how to be my dad, the rest probably wouldn't have ended so well," Rory says and Christopher sighs.

"Kid, I'm not saying it would have turned out how I hoped. I understand why your mom wanted to do it the way she did. You aren't young like we were. You could try it with this guy."

"No, I really can't," Rory says bluntly. "Dad, I'm not going to get into this with you, but it's not going to work. He knows. He can see the baby as much as he wants to, but if he needs to get married to do that, he's not much of a father."

Rory concentrates on drinking her water and Christopher nods, looking deflated.

"Point taken."

He eats the rest of his sandwich and Rory stares down at her plate. Suddenly she's no longer hungry. Her thoughts are interrupted as Christopher asks,

"So what does Lorelai make of all this?"

"She's okay," Rory says, looking up and Christopher frowns.

"She is?"

"She is now. Did she tell you about it?"

"Not until I told her you'd let me know. She just said it was a shock. I got the feeling she was giving me the edited version."

"Shock sounds right," Rory says honestly. "We're okay now."

"Is she excited?"

"Just a little."

"I remember her being excited with you," Christopher says and Rory smiles, surprised.

"Really?"

"After it had settled in a little. I remember she'd gone to the hospital for a sonogram and Lorelai ran up to me, waving the photo in my face. She was jumping up and down and shouting, _we're going to have a baby! We're going to have a baby!_ "

"She did?" Rory asks. "I thought she was scared."

"She was, but she was happy. She was both."

"Yeah," Rory says softly. "I can understand that."

Christopher studies her for a moment and asks,

"When's the baby coming?"

"The end of June."

Christopher nods and asks hesitantly,

"Will you call me when it comes?"

"You know I will, Dad," Rory says and he nods, smiling properly.

"So are you going to name this one Lorelai too?"

"I don't know yet," Rory says, gently placing a hand on her stomach. "Maybe I'll go somewhere new."

"I know I could have done better," Christopher says, his words in a rush. "But I always loved you, Rory. I was so happy when you were born. I just didn't know how to do it."

Rory nods and finishes her sandwich. Christopher waits but after she doesn't answer he drains his wine.

"How's Gigi?" Rory asks and Christopher chuckles, putting his glass down.

"She's fine. Trying to be as French as possible."

"Did you tell her she'll be an aunt?"

"I didn't know if it was okay to."

"I want you to tell her," Rory says and Christopher nods.

"She's just turned fourteen and acts eighteen already. It doesn't seem so long since she was a baby herself. Your mom was such a help."

"I remember," Rory says and her father shakes his head.

"I'm officially sounding like an old man, but it doesn't seem so many years ago. When I met Lorelai, when you were born. When Gigi came along. Now one of my daughters is a teenager and the other one is having a baby of her own."

"It doesn't seem so long to me either," Rory admits. "I remember it so well."

"All in your book? You still writing that, right?"

"I'm still writing," Rory says and Christopher smiles.

"I'm glad, kid."

The waitress comes over to see if they want dessert, but after a glance at his daughter Christopher asks for the check. When she disappears Christopher hesitates and says,

"Can I ask something personal?"

"You can ask," Rory says and he says,

"Do I know who the guy is? The guy who..."

"Why?" Rory interrupts and Christopher says awkwardly,

"Your mom said she couldn't believe it was _that guy_ in her email but she wouldn't say who when I asked. She made it sound like I knew who it was."

"You've met him," Rory says after a pause.

"I see," Christopher says. He picks up his bag, deliberately focusing on finding his wallet and Rory thinks for a moment.

"It's Logan Huntzberger," she says eventually and Christopher looks up in shock.

"The guy you used to live with?"

"Very same."

Christopher nods, looking as though he wants to say more, but simply says,

"Thanks for telling me."

"Now you don't need to give Mom a hard time."

"I wasn't," Christopher says, putting his hands up, and Rory raises her eyebrows. "I won't, I promise."

"Good."

"Rory, I know it was years ago, but he seemed like he'd be a good -"

"Dad, don't try and change my mind," Rory says, tired. "Please, just - trust me on this, okay."

"I trust you. I just -"

"I know. But it's the right thing."

"And you've got your mom."

"I've got Mom," Rory agrees. "And I've got Jess."

"Who's Jess?"

"Luke's nephew. My boyfriend."

"Your -?" Christopher stops in surprise but their conversation is broken as the bill is brought over. Christopher gets his card out, insisting on paying for Rory as well, and finally says,

"Well, you always had a plan. Lorelai said you had direction since you could crawl."

"It's going to work out," Rory says and her father nods uneasily. "Thanks for lunch, Dad."

"Thanks for seeing me. And telling me."

"Sure," Rory says quietly. "Why not?"

Christopher shrugs and Rory says brightly,

"Let me know what Gigi thinks."

"Oh, I will. She'll probably want to buy it a beret."

They laugh and get up. Rory slings her purse over her shoulder and her father awkwardly hugs her goodbye.

"Good to see you, kid."

"You too."

"I'll try and see you soon," Christopher says and Rory nods, stepping away. Trying is what he does best.


	22. Chapter 22

**Thanks for the feedback!**

On Friday, Jess goes to Rory's for dinner. They order a pizza, watch an old movie and then sit in comfortable silence, drinking a beer and soda respectively.

"So you saw your dad on Sunday," Jess says, breaking the silence. "How was it?"

"I said it was fine."

"You sound like there's a story."

Rory looks at him, sighs and says,

"More like a novel."

"Want to talk about it?"

Rory is quiet for a moment and then says,

"I love my dad but I don't really like him."

"I get that."

"You know, I totally worshipped him when I was a kid," Rory says, taking a sip of soda. "The days he called were the best of the week and when he came to see me it was better than Christmas. But he didn't have the greatest track record."

"Right."

"He was always flaking out on me, on Mom, and then when he promised he was going to stick around and Mom believed him, he went back to Sherry."

Jess looks at her sympathetically and Rory goes on,

"I'm glad he was there for Gigi but I don't see why he had to bail on us. And then he tried to break up Mom and Luke and he'd never - when I told him off he said I should respect him because he's my father."

Rory shakes her head and laughs bitterly.

"He was a father when he felt like it."

"And not a great one," Jess adds and Rory smiles sadly.

"He admits it, at least. And I feel so - God, I'm so mad at him but I don't want to be."

"You don't want to be angry with him?"

"I don't want to feel like he needs to be my father. And I'm mad because I..."

Rory's voice trails off and Jess nudges,

"What, Rory?"

"I don't want to be like him. Screwing things up all the time."

"You're not your dad."

Rory shrugs.

"I've messed up. I've messed up so bad, and I didn't see it going this way. I don't know. My dad doesn't admit much to mistakes."

Rory looks away and Jess puts his arm around her.

"Hey, do you remember when I went to see Jimmy?"

"You've never told me about it," Rory says, looking up and Jess nods.

"I went for some answers. I didn't know anything about him. I didn't understand Liz, a lot of the time, and figured maybe I'd understand it more if I stayed with Jimmy."

"Understand what?"

"Myself, I guess, but I didn't think too clearly. I just wanted out and that was the only place I could think to go. I messed up everything here."

"Jess," Rory says gently and he shakes his head, going on,

"I figured it would all fall into place, and it didn't. Jimmy didn't want me to stay - he let me, but only because I begged and his girlfriend agreed - and he kept telling me he was a screwup. And I thought that was it. That if both my parents were a mess the apple hadn't fallen too far from the tree."

Rory frowns, biting back her instant contradiction.

"What happened with Jimmy?" she asks and Jess shrugs.

"We figured it out, I guess. We weren't going to start staying up all night watching movies together, but I felt like I knew he was, when it was time to leave. And I didn't feel I was a screwup."

"You were never a screwup," Rory says and Jess smiles.

"I was a little like Jimmy - still am - and I understand my mom more. But I'm not going to make the same choices as them. Being like your parents doesn't mean you'll do it wrong like them."

"I don't want to be like my dad."

"Rory, you're not him," Jess says earnestly. "You care so much about doing this right, not doing it like he did. Your dad never cared like that."

"He loved me. He just - God, why do I always make excuses for him?" Rory exclaims furiously and Jess says,

"You know why. He does love you but he wasn't there."

"No," Rory admits, looking down. "He tried, but he never stuck around."

"Sounds like Jimmy," Jess says and Rory glances back up.

"Do you talk to him at all?"

"I email him now and then, sometimes call at Christmas. He's doing okay. I don't feel the need to go all the way out there but I'm good with that."

"I wish I was," Rory says unhappily. "I wish I wasn't hurt by my dad."

"Yeah, but my dad wasn't constantly bailing on me," Jess says. "I knew nothing about him."

Rory nods, settling into the crook of his arm. She sips her soda but Jess notices her discomfort and asks,

"What's wrong?"

"I don't want Logan to be like my dad either," Rory says. "Promising to see my kid - our kid - all the time and then not showing up, or visiting and then leaving suddenly. I don't want my kid to feel like its father doesn't care. And I'm scared Logan won't be around. He'll love it, I'm sure, but he has a whole other life, and the baby won't be part of it. And I want to protect it from that."

Jess is silent and Rory lets out a strange laugh.

"I'm scared I'm my father or that Logan is. God, talk about a Freudian nightmare. It's in different ways, but still. Man."

"You can't protect your kid from being hurt," Jess says eventually. "There's a ton of stuff you can't protect it from."

"Great, another thing to add to the list of stuff I'm obsessing about."

"But even if Logan sucks as a dad, you won't suck as a mom," Jess says gently. "You're going to love it so much, and Lorelai, and Luke, and -"

He stops, embarrassed, and Rory squeezes his hand.

"I know."

"It's going to be okay," Jess says, looking into her eyes. "I promise. Your kid will figure it out, and it's going to be fine."

"How can you know that?"

"I just do. And you know how loved it'll be."

"Yeah," Rory says softly. "I do."

Leaning up, she kisses him and Jess kisses her back, stroking her hair. As they part the baby kicks and Rory giggles as Jess holds his side.

"It kicked right against my hip!"

"Well, count yourself lucky. It's kicking me all over!"

They laugh and Jess asks,

"So what are you doing tomorrow?"

"I have an antenatal class," Rory says. "Got to learn some breathing techniques for labour. It's all kind of scary."

"Sounds it. Is your mom going with you?"

"She was going to, but she has a meeting with the inn which she can't get out of. I was just going to go on my own."

"Do you want me to go with you?" Jess asks and Rory frowns in surprise.

"Are you sure? I don't mind if it's too weird or something. We're going to watch a childbirth film and I hear it's graphic."

"I can handle it," Jess says, his voice mock serious and Rory narrows her eyebrows.

"You positive?"

"Absolutely."

"Okay," Rory says, but she still sounds doubtful and Jess,

"Do you not want me to?"

"No, I do, it's just - I'm kind of nervous about it, but I don't want you to go because you feel like you should."

"Rory, I wouldn't say I wanted to go if I didn't."

"Fine," Rory says, smiling, and Jess adds,

"The other people can start a poll going to see who passes out first."

"What'll the prize be?"

"Pride?"

"Some prize," Rory snorts and Jess chuckles.

"Scared you'll lose?"

"No way."

She drinks the last of her soda and stretches, glancing over at the time.

"You know, I still feel like I should be getting ready for dinner on Fridays, even though it was so long ago."

"You do, huh?"

"Yeah. And I remember at the time they felt like they were going to go on forever. Isn't it weird like that?"

"What?" Jess asks and Rory settles down beside him.

"How things are a certain way and it's like it's always going to be like that. And then something changes and it feels wrong, until that becomes normal. I remember when I started Chilton, started those dinners, and it felt so strange, and then it was like it had always been that way and I couldn't imagine it stopping. And then it did and it shook me up, and then I started a new thing. Do you think it will feel like that forever?"

"Probably," Jess says honestly and Rory places a hand on her bump.

"I wonder how it'll be for this one."

"The only thing that doesn't change in life is change," Jess says and, as Rory looks at him, remarks, "That's a line from somewhere. Seemed appropriate."

"Extremely. So what do you want to do now? It's still early. We could watch another movie."

"Sure," Jess says and, as Rory reaches for the remote, suggests, "Hey, Friday could be our movie night. What do you think?"

"Sounds like a good change to me," Rory says. She chooses a movie, kisses his cheek and lies back in contentment.

The next morning, Rory and Jess head down to the local community centre where the class has gathered in a circle of mats. There's a space at the end and Rory quickly claims it, feeling less obvious than if she were in the middle of the room. There are several couples and Rory is guilty glad she didn't come alone. When the chatter has settled to a buzz the teacher gets up, clapping her hands.

"Hello, everyone! I'm so glad you could come. My name is Sarah and I'm here to give you some pointers for the next few months. Some of you are brand new to this and some of you have had kids of your own, but it's always good to learn these things again. I have three kids and my birth journey was different with each one. But enough about me. Why don't we go around the room and introduce ourselves. Let's start this end."

She points right at Rory who freezes, instantly reevaluating her choice of position. Jess gives her a friendly nudge and Rory manages to say,

"I'm Rory."

"Well, hi, Rory," the teacher says. "And is this your partner?"

"Oh - yes," Rory says, flustered. "This is Jess."

Jess lifts a hand in greeting and the teacher asks,

"Do you know what you two are having?"

"No, I - we - it's a surprise," Rory tells her, blushing, and the teacher smiles.

"That's great. Is this your first baby?"

"Yes, and potentially my last." Rory didn't intend this as a joke but everyone else starts laughing and, to her relief, the teacher moves onto the next student. Rory bites her lip, wishing she hadn't brought Jess and wondering if it would be weird to apologise to him. He seems fine as she looks up, however, and holds her hand right until the last couple in the room tell the class it's their second round with insemination.

"We took turns," one of the women says and her partner adds, "but we don't know if we're getting or a boy or girl this time!"

"Wonderful," the teacher says. "Okay, now we're going to go through some breathing exercises before we watch the movie. Mothers - pregnant mothers - lie down on your mats please, and partners supporting. I'm going to run you through some breathing exercises..."

Rory looks at Jess but he simply smiles and nods, settling behind the mat. Rory carefully lies down, feeling awkward, but tries to pay attention as the teacher tells them to slowly draw breath through their nose and out through their mouths.

"In and out, in and out...this will help your whole body..."

Rory silently thinks she'll probably be too busy breaking a lung than concentrating on breathing, but she makes an effort. Jess's hands lightly hold her shoulders and Rory feels a teenage tingle rush through her, which is soon eliminated as the teacher tells them to stop and dims the lights.

"We're going to watch the movie now. Are you ready?"

She turns to the television and presses play before anyone can affirm or deny and Rory's eyes widen. On the screen is a very pregnant woman, her eyes screwed up with pain and the veins on her neck sticking out. Sweat drips down her face and then the camera lowers to between her legs. Rory suppresses the urge to bolt as she sees, in glorious technicolour, everything coming out as Paris described. For what seems like hours the woman pushes and screams, pushes and screams, until finally something red and squalling and covered in gunk emerges. Everyone in the movie starts laughing and crying but Rory only feels the latter and blinks as the lights suddenly come back on. To her relief, most others in the class look equally disturbed and Jess has gone white.

"That's having a baby!" the teacher says brightly. "Isn't that beautiful?"

Rory begs to differ and, at the pained silence, the teacher laughs.

"I know it's not pretty but there's a wonderful result. It will be different for all of you. Now, we'll run through the exercises again next week and add some more. Thank you all for coming and I'll see you next week!"

Rory waits until they're outside before turning to Jess.

"I'm not doing that."

"Rory -"

"There's no way!" she says hysterically. "Did you see that?"

"Oh yes, I saw."

"I know who the winner of your contest is now," Rory says furiously. "It's you, and I'm the loser who has to do what was on that film."

"You can do it," Jess says but his voice is weak and Rory exclaims,

"I have to do it and I can't! I can't do that!"

"It's a little late."

"I don't care, I can't do it! I can't get a baby out of me!"

"Yes you can," Jess says, putting his hands on her shoulders. His voice is normal now and he says gently, "You can do it. It'll be okay."

"It's going to hurt," Rory says miserably and he nods.

"Probably."

"Definitely."

"But you'll have the baby," Jess says and Rory nods.

"Thanks for coming," she says awkwardly. "I'm sorry if it was really weird...I should have guessed they'd assume -"

"It's fine," Jess says quickly. "No big deal."

"Sorry you had to watch that film," Rory says and he kisses her cheek.

"You shouldn't be sorry. I just had to watch it."

"And I'm having the baby," Rory says, finishing his thought, but she laughs. "Not yet, at least."

Jess puts his arm around her and squeezes her hand.

"Want to go get a coffee?"

"More than anything in the world."


	23. Chapter 23

**Thanks for the feedback! Regarding updating, I can't promise a regular schedule as I work and have things in my personal life. I try to update as often as I can. As for the childbirth film, we were forced to watch a video of a baby being born at school, at the tender age of thirteen. It was definitely scarring.**

The next day, Rory drives to Stars Hollow. No sooner has she got out of the car and her mother greeted her, Rory yelps,

"I can't do what was on that film."

"What film?"

"Getting the baby out, the birth film! I can't do it!"

"Whoa," Lorelai says gently. "It's okay."

"Are you kidding? I'm scarred for life!"

"Slow down," her mother says, taking her arms. "Let's just go get some coffee."

"Slow down? I can't slow down!"

"Well, let's just have coffee."

Rory grudgingly acquiesces, allowing Lorelai to help her up the steps to the house. Her whole body feels heavier and Rory lets out a sigh as she sinks into a chair. Her mother sits beside her, puts the cups down and says,

"I did it, Rory, and I'm sure you can too."

"What if I can't?"

"Then the hospital will figure something out, but try not to stress about it. It's not happening right now."

"But it's going to, and I'm scared."

"I know you are, sweets."

"It's going to hurt, isn't it?"

"It'll hurt like hell," Lorelai says matter-of-factly. "But you can do it. And you'll have the baby."

"The baby looked pretty gross on the film," Rory says honestly, and her mother laughs.

"When you came out I thought I gave birth to phlegm. Just wait for them to give it a good scrub."

"Oh, great." Rory takes a drink of coffee and remarks, "The rest looked pretty gross too."

"If it makes you feel any better, you'll have the cheap seat. Plus you'll be so busy giving birth it won't even be on your mind."

"Right. I'll be caught up in the searing pain."

"Rory."

"Mom, please tell me you embellished a little," Rory asks desperately. "Say that story you tell me every year is exaggerated for dramatic effect."

"Oh, Rory," her mother laughs. "There is no need for embellishment with childbirth. Until the drugs kicked in I was seriously considering leaving you to become a Bangle."

"They've broken up so what am I going to do with mine?"

"It was a long time ago, it's probably better now."

Lorelai's voice is doubtful and Rory snorts.

"Not going by what was on that film. I thought that woman's voice was going to shatter the camera. I freak out if I get a splinter, how am I going to get through this?"

"Because you can."

"Got anything better?"

"Not really."

"This sucks!" Rory exclaims. "Everyone tells you having a baby is the most beautiful thing in the world, and I was already dubious on that, and what I saw clinched it. Whatever that was, it wasn't beautiful. I think it was the most awful thing I've ever seen and everyone's being vague and not coming and telling me how terrible it'll be. I want the facts! I want to be ready! I want to know what it's going to be like and I'm scared, and no one will tell me anything!"

"Rory -"

"I just want to know."

"Okay," Lorelai says, taking her hands. "I'll tell you the facts."

"Do you promise?"

"As long as you promise not to puke."

"That's a risk you'll have to take," Rory remarks but she nods, taking a deep breath. "I'm ready."

"It's going to be long. It's going to take twelve times as long as it takes on TV, and you won't push three times and it'll be out and if you do, well, I'll hold it against you forever. But it probably won't. It's probably going to take several hours. Then when you go into delivery, you'll use every curse word known to man and it'll feel like it's never going to end. And when the baby actually does come out, it'll look so gross you'll think it's like something from a sci fi movie, not to mention the placenta."

"Risk of puking," Rory warns and Lorelai smiles.

"But when all of that's over and they've cleaned it up and you're holding it, it's suddenly the coolest thing in the world. You have a kid and you're a mom and you wouldn't trade it for anything."

"Really?"

"Really. I'd do it all over again because I know I'd be having you."

"Wow," Rory says, a smile breaking over her face, but she rolls her eyes as Lorelai adds,

"Labour sucks though. I mean, I'd do it again for you, but it sucks. I want you know that."

"Got the message."

"Not to mention the stuff afterward."

"What stuff?" Rory asks and Lorelai hesitates, picking up their cups.

"Let's talk about it closer to the time."

"Mom!"

"Hey, you'll find out soon enough. How about we go see Luke?"

"You are not getting out of telling me."

"Fine," Lorelai grumbles. "Let's just say there's a reason the camera cut after the baby was born in that movie."

"I wonder my teacher will tell us anything about this," Rory muses as Lorelai helps her up. "She's so cheerful and acts like having a baby is a breeze. I swear she took joy from our terror."

"I'll hold her down next time. Was it okay, going by yourself?"

"I actually didn't go alone," Rory says hesitantly. "Jess came."

"He did?" Lorelai asks, her face changing. "That's great."

She concentrates on washing the cups out in the sink and Rory asks,

"Does that weird you out?"

"Why would it weird me out?"

"Because you seem weirded out."

"It's nothing."

"Then tell me."

Lorelai turns and says,

"Well, you're with Jess now and he's coming to your antenatal classes, so I guess I was wondering what's going to happen, when you do have the baby. Do you want him to go in with you?"

"Oh," Rory says, surprised. "I haven't asked. I didn't think about it. It was one class."

"It's no big deal. I was just wondering."

"I don't know if I want anyone there," Rory says honestly and Lorelai squeezes her hand.

"I don't think you should do it all on your own, unless you really want to. I wish I could have had someone there. I mean, Mom offered but that was worse."

"It's a way off," Rory says, closing the conversation, and her mother nods. "Do you still want to go to Luke's?"

They go onto the porch and Rory almost jumps five feet in the air as Babette's loud voice calls,

"Doll! Just look at you!"

"Hey Babette," Rory says weakly and Babette shouts,

"Rory, you're huge! That baby looks like it's about to burst right out!"

"Gee, I hope not."

"When are you due to pop?"

"Not another couple of months," Rory tells her and Lorelai adds,

"But when she's popped you'll be the first to know."

"We're all so excited," Babette says, clasping her hands. "Morey's written a new song and he'll play it as soon as you bring the baby home."

"That sounds great."

"It will be. Now if you would just tell us who -"

"We've got to get going," Lorelai says loudly, putting her arms protectively around her daughter. "See you Babette."

"Oh, okay. But you can tell me if it's Jess. When you see old lovers, logic all goes to hell. What's a woman to do? They just light a fire inside!"

"We've really got to go," Lorelai says again and Rory waves awkwardly.

"Good to see you, Babette."

When they get to the diner Luke puts his pad down, beaming. He goes straight to hug Rory and exclaims,

"Wow, look at you!"

"Luke, we've already been through this with Babette," Lorelai warns and he laughs, nodding.

"Got it. How are you feeling? Come on, sit down."

Luke pulls out a chair for Rory, holding onto it until she's sat down, and asks,

"What can I get you?"

"I'll have a cheeseburger," Lorelai says and Rory says,

"I'll just have pancakes."

"With what?" Lorelai asks and Rory smiles sadly.

"Just pancakes and coffee. Anything else and I'll bring it back up."

"Pancakes it is," Luke says, and Lorelai sympathetically pats Rory's hand. "I'll be right back."

"You know, you have a lifetime to get back at the baby for this," Lorelai remarks and Rory asks,

"For the pancakes?"

"That and labour. It's an excellent bargaining chip."

"Great."

Luke returns with the plates and a large bowl which he places next to Rory's pancakes.

"Fresh fruit," he says, pointing to it. "So your pancakes won't be totally bare."

"Um, thanks."

"Luke, you heard what she said," Lorelai laughs and Luke shakes his head.

"I know, but pancakes on their own aren't nutritious. Just try a little."

"I'll have a spoonful," Rory promises and her stepfather nods, walking away to take another order. Lorelai smiles and says,

"He's just concerned."

"I know."

"He's excited now. He's been sanding down all the corners in the house so the baby won't hurt itself."

"Does he know it won't be tall enough to reach the coffee table for over a year?"

"It's Luke."

"I'm glad he's excited," Rory says. She sticks the spoon in the bowl, stirring it around the fruit, and says, "I saw Dad last week."

"How was Christopher?" Lorelai asks and Rory shrugs. "He told me, actually."

"You spoke to Dad?"

"It was just a general email. He told me he saw you but there wasn't any detail. I guess he figured you'd fill me in."

"I told him Logan's the father," Rory tells her. "I said he didn't have to give you a hard time."

"Oh, Rory."

Rory concentrates on taking a bite of fruit. Gingerly, she chews and swallows and Lorelai looks at her anxiously.

"Was it okay?"

"It was weird," Rory says honestly. "You know those stories about kids telling their dads they're going to be grandparents and they're all so happy? You can imagine how it went with us."

"Was he mad at you?"

"No, he just - it was just weird. You know how it is with him. He didn't ask much and I didn't feel like talking. I don't think he's that thrilled about it, but it's fine."

"Do you want him to be happy for you?"

"No. I don't want anything from him."

"Rory."

Rory feels the fruit swirl down her throat and says angrily,

"It doesn't matter. He's never been part of our lives."

"He's still your father. He loves you."

"He thinks he can buy a Compact English Dictionary and make it better."

"It is a a pretty good gift,"Lorelai jokes but her face is serious. "He doesn't know how to fix it."

"He doesn't try." Rory takes another bite of fruit and shakes her head. "It's fine. I just didn't want him emailing you and yelling at you for not telling him."

"I think he knows that's not going to do anything. Are you glad you saw him?"

"I 'm glad it's done," Rory says simply. She cuts a large piece of pancake and concentrates on eating it. Lorelai hesitates and says,

"He was so young when you were born. He held you like a doll."

"Mom, it doesn't matter," Rory says angrily, swallowing. "You don't need to defend him. I know he was a kid, so were you. You didn't bail on me, ever, and he did. All the time. And it's done."

"Honey."

"Mom, I don't want to talk about Dad."

"Okay," Lorelai says gently. Rory eats a little more fruit and says slowly,

"I'm worried about Logan."

"What about him?" Lorelai asks carefully and Rory says,

"I'm worried he won't be around."

"I know, sweets. But we'll be there."

"I know. It's just..."

Rory's voice trails off and Lorelai prods,

"What?"

"Part of me wants him not to be around at all. That way he's not bailing all the time or making things complicated, but it's an awful thing to think. I don't want that, him not being there for the baby."

Lorelai looks at her sympathetically and Rory says miserably,

"I'm horrible."

"No you're not. I get it. When you were little we'd go to Grandma and Grandpa's for Christmas and your dad would be there, and he'd have some huge gift and spoil you totally rotten, and then he'd just leave and you'd be all worked up and be upset for a week. I was so mad at him, and I'd wish that he was going to be around, he'd really be around. But he couldn't and he wasn't, and as much as I loved him and loved that he'd come to see you, I'd hate that it was hurting you at the same time."

"Logan can't be around, even if he wanted to. He'd married now."

"I know," Lorelai says, taking her hand and Rory says furiously,

"He said he wanted to be around, but he didn't. Not really. And I just know he's going to come and go as he pleases. He'll love the baby, I know he will, but he won't do the serious, planned visits. And I'm scared of it hurting our kid."

Lorelai squeezes her hand and Rory muses,

"I remember how Dad wanted to marry you and I was so frustrated that you wouldn't. I get it now."

"Well, I've always been wise beyond my years," Lorelai teases. She puts her arm around Rory and says,

"I promise it'll work out. You have to have faith in that, babe. You have me and Luke and all of us. This baby is going to have so much love."

"Yeah. That's what Jess said."

"Well, he's right," Lorelai says, sounding surprised. "But I mean - when I had you and it was so hard, everyone pressed me to try with your dad and sometimes I felt really alone, but I was so happy too. I had you and I had my life here and now I have Luke."

"You wouldn't change anything," Rory says and her mother nods and then shakes her head at the same time.

"That's right. I wish I could have made Chris be a better dad for you, but that's who he is. I hate that it hurt you, back then."

"You couldn't stop that for me," Rory says softly. "It's okay."

"I know," Lorelai says, kissing her cheek. "And it's going to be okay with this new little one."

Rory nods, smiling, and as she takes a sip of coffee exclaims,

"It's letting us know it's listening."

"Oh!" Lorelai gasps, putting her hand on Rory's bump. "And you like coffee, huh?"

The baby kicks again and Lorelai and Rory laugh.

"I'll take that as a yes," Rory giggles. "We love you, kid."


	24. Chapter 24

**Thanks for the feedback!**

The next two weeks are absorbed with preparation. Rory braves the birthing class again, once with Lorelai and once alone, and after class a fellow student asks Rory,

"Does your husband work a lot?"

"Huh?"

"Or boyfriend - the guy you came with the first time. He hasn't been since."

"He wasn't able to make it."

"That's too bad. It's his baby and all."

Rory smiles awkwardly, looking away, and against her better judgement says,

"Actually..."

The woman looks up curiously and Rory says uncomfortably,

"Jess isn't the father."

"He's not?"

"It's kind of complicated."

"So he isn't your boyfriend?"

"No, he's my boyfriend."

"But not the father?"

"No, I..." Rory flails and she finishes weakly, "I have to go. I need the bathroom."

"Sure," the woman says understandingly. "It's terrible, right? This baby treats my bladder like a squeeze toy."

Rory gives a wan smile and makes a swift exist, as fast as the baby allows. She hastens back to the apartment where Jess is meeting her and distracts herself by cleaning the apartment. When her back starts to hurt Rory gets out some of the baby clothes she and Lorelai bought, and by the time Jess arrives he finds Rory clutching five baby blankets and exclaiming,

"This is all wrong!"

"What's all wrong?" Jess asks, following her into the bedroom and exclaims, "Whoa."

The bed is piled with baby clothes, toys and books and Rory cries,

"Everything!"

"Can you break it down?"

"I can't make it look right! Its bedroom won't be good enough!"

"Rory, it's a baby," Jess says gently. "It's going to be in a bassinet and then a crib. It doesn't care about its bedroom."

"How do you know? And I have all this stuff and not enough space to store it! I want it to be perfect!"

"It's fine."

"The space is too small."

"So's the baby."

"It's not fair," Rory says angrily. "All the other moms and dads in my class have perfect bedrooms for their babies. Some of them even have canopy beds."

"Canopy beds?"

"They picked out canopy beds for when their kids are older."

"Well, their kids might not even want a canopy bed."

"But they can have one if they want one, or any other kind of bed. I haven't even chosen a crib yet!"

"Rory, it's fine. It's not going to be big enough for a crib when it's born anyway."

"I should have one. I should have a crib and a bassinet and a bed, any kind of bed, lined up. And I should have a mobile, every kid needs a mobile, and I don't have anything except for a ton of toys and clothes it'll grow out of in two months, and everyone else has twice as many."

Jess pushes a pile of stuffed animals out of the way, sits down and pats the space next to him. Rory sits, wiping a tear from her eye and tiredly puts a hand on her bump as the baby kicks.

"Hey," Jess says, putting his arm around Rory as she takes a breath. "You want to tell me where this freakout came from?"

"Nowhere. It's nothing. I'm just panicking about getting it all ready, and Mom said it was nesting."

Jess nods and asks, "Did anything trigger this particular freakout?"

"Well, I looked up pictures of afterbirth. Note to self, wait an hour after eating next time."

"Yeah, you sent the link. So this is prompted by nausea?"

"Yes," Rory says staunchly but then she shakes her head. "I think I made an idiot out of myself at class."

"How?"

"Well, this woman there, Mary something or other, asked about you and if you were working. She'd noticed you hadn't come and commented it on being your baby."

"Ah."

"And I wasn't going to say anything, but I don't need to lie about it. It's not the fifties, you don't have to pretend to be the father for my reputation. So I started to say you weren't, and she looked at me really weirdly and I said it was complicated and that I needed the bathroom."

Jess smiles slightly and Rory groans,

"I sounded like an idiot. And then Mary said the baby treats her bladder like a squeeze toy and then I really did need to go. Class is going to be a blast now. I'm the freak who brings the guy who isn't the baby's dad."

Jess looks at her seriously and Rory bites her lip.

"I don't mean - I'm not Daisy Miller or anything. But it's awkward, and I was embarrassed, so I started cleaning to take my mind off it, and then I couldn't stop thinking about all this stuff. Everyone else is doing it better."

"You don't know that."

"Everyone else has a house and schools picked out and bedrooms the size of my apartment. Okay, I'm not sure about the last one, but they have bedrooms decorated and ready and my baby's going to have a room which doesn't even have space for a changing table. It's not good enough."

"Yes, it is. It's going have a home - that's the most important thing. And check out that pile of toys. It's got everything from bears to buses."

Rory smiles but it fades as she adds,

"I don't know what I'm going to do when it gets older. The things I have are going to be grown out of, and replaced, and I only have one toybox. I just - I feel bad that I can't give my kid everything the other parents are doing for theirs."

"You didn't have a lot growing up," Jess says carefully. "Are you sorry about any of that?"

"You know I'm not," Rory says defensively. "Sometimes I'd be sad that Mom had to scrimp and other kids at school got bigger presents and new clothes from fancy stores, but I never resented it. I loved living with Mom like I did."

"I don't think your kid is going to think any differently."

"I hope. It's just - I feel bad that I can't give it more. And talking to Mary after class reminded me how complicated it all is. All I can think of is how my kid's family is different to everyone's in my class."

"What's that Tolstoy line?" Jess says, furrowing his brow. "Every family is screwed up in its own way?"

"That's meant to cheer me up?"

"It means, even the people at your class who seem like they have it all figured out still have baggage. Every family has an issue, they're just not talking about it."

Rory shrugs miserably and Jess kisses her cheek.

"I'll definitely come next time."

"You don't have to."

"I know. I want to."

"You'll get weird looks."

"Been dealing with that my whole life."

Rory can't help laughing a little and kisses Jess back.

"Okay, you're on. Help me put this stuff away?"

"Sit still," Jess says, getting up. "You should rest."

"I'm fine," Rory protests but she sits back gratefully as Jess tidies. When he's done, he returns with two glasses of water and asks,

"Hey, do you have a tape measure?"

"Why?"

"Luke wants to build a bookcase for the baby. He called me the other day, said he needs the dimensions."

"A bookcase?" Rory asks, her face breaking into a grin. "Really?"

"He's going to ask you about the design but wanted to start on the frame."

"Well, the kid will be well-read if nothing else," Rory says and Jess grins.

"That and everything else."


	25. Chapter 25

**Thanks for the feedback! I think Rory has a right to feel anxious, and the baby has a right to know who its biological father is.**

One Saturday in late April, Rory and Jess sit in Rory's apartment. They have just been to antenatal class, leaving Rory with a lingering nausea. Rory is sitting at the desk, tapping into the computer, while Jess flicks through the leaflets given at the end of class. Rory said it wasn't distracting but she's too aware of the crinkly sounds of the paper, Jess making noises of confusion or disgust, and kernels of frustration form in her throat. She can't tell if it's simply the sound or the baby which is making her on edge, and feels it's most likely both. The baby is at an awkward angle, kicking relentlessly today, and Rory keeps stopping to put a hand on her stomach to try and relax it. It isn't working and she sits back in her chair, closing her eyes. Rory is sick of being pregnant, sick of feeling fat and heavy and gross and being woken up by being kicked. She feels guilty for this, that the magic of her child moving is an annoyance, but that soon evaporates as the baby thumps it leg again.

"Maybe it's going to be a soccer player," Lorelai joked but Rory barely smiled. All she can think about is how she doesn't want to be pregnant anymore. Rory can't fit into any old jeans now and pulls on loose dresses and maternity clothes, which make her feel frumpy. When she walks she practically waddles, like a duck, and her ankles protest each step. The time before Rory was pregnant is like a kind of wistful dream, and she wishes the baby was born already. But that thought brings a new kind of fear, the fact of the baby being really there, and Rory takes it back. She's grateful for the two more months, the time to prepare, but she can't help wishing not to be pregnant, or at least, for it to be easier. What makes it worse is knowing she's getting bigger, and Rory has a sick image of being too huge to move at all, or having a rare case of extended pregnancy, and being in this state until Christmas. Rory rang her mother one night sobbing, saying it wouldn't end, and between hiccups Lorelai patiently calmed her down.

"You wouldn't be so lucky to get a longer pregnancy," she teased. "Honey, this baby is going to come right on time."

"Do you promise?"

"Give or take a couple of weeks."

"Is it going to keep on like this?"

"Is what, sweets?"

"Being pregnant."

"It's not exactly going to be like a spa," Lorelai said eventually. "But some days are going to be more okay than others and in a weird way, you might miss it."

"You're kidding."

"Well, get back to me when the baby's born."

Rory tries to keep this in mind, reminds herself it won't be forever, and tries to keep to a routine. She goes to work, practices her birth exercises and tries to write. Lorelai comes over with Luke and they paint Rory's room yellow, Luke insisting she stay in the kitchen and sleep in the living room. Jess comes over every Friday and one week Rory went to Philadelphia. Most of the time they stay in, as it's more uncomfortable to go out, and Jess usually stays until Sunday night. Today Rory grits her teeth, dredging her mind for the right words to fit a memory, and carefully finishes a chapter. She's just added a couple of commas, rereading what she wrote, when Jess gets up and stretches.

"Hey. How's it all going?"

"Fine," Rory says irritably and then, more evenly, "I just finished a chapter."

"Cool. Can I read it?"

"Not yet," Rory says defensively, putting her arm over the screen. "It's not done."

"Okay," Jess says, putting his hands up. "But as you've done that chapter can I run something past you?"

"Sure," Rory says, saving and closing the document, and Jess says,

"I've got an event next week."

"An event?"

"A reading, at Truncheon. It's on Saturday night. Do you want to come?"

"Oh - well - Jess, that's great!"

"I'd love for you to be there," Jess says earnestly. "But if it's too much hassle, getting there, or you feel sick, it's no big deal."

"No," Rory says warily. Honestly, it does feel like a lot of stress, but she's tired of skipping everything and staying in all the time, and she wants to go for Jess. "Of course I'll come."

"Are you sure?" Jess asks and Rory smiles, sitting up.

"Yes, I'm sure. I'd love to go."

Jess kisses her in thanks and then moves to the laptop, getting the Truncheon website up. He clicks onto the event and shows Rory the details; other authors will be there and most tickets have sold.

"Is it going to be fancy?"

"You know we don't do fancy."

"Yeah, but it looks quite prestigious. What should I wear?"

"Wear whatever you feel comfortable in," Jess says unhelpfully. "Do you want to drive down after class?"

"Sure. After class sounds great."

Rory put her hands around his neck, returning his kiss, trying to tell herself she's glad. When they break apart Jess picks up one of the leaflets and says,

"Did you see this?"

"Yes, I saw it."

"I wasn't expecting the before and after shots."

"I don't need a visual right now. I'm still dealing with Lucia telling me I should rub sandpaper over my nipples to get an idea of how breastfeeding feels when we practised last week."

Jess makes a face and Rory groans, flinging the leaflets away.

"Let's watch a movie."

The following week passes quickly and on Saturday afternoon Rory gets her suitcase which she packed the nighr before. Inside it holds some makeup, sleepwear and the only fancy dress Rory can still fit into. Part of her wishes she'd gone shopping, but there wasn't really time and it would have been too much money. Besides, Truncheon Books is fairly relaxed. Jess comes up from getting the car ready and helps Rory down, and they steadily move out of the New York traffic.

When they arrive people are already setting up inside. For all Jess said it wasn't black coat and tie, it looks remarkably similar and Rory comments,

"It looks like tonight's going to be a big deal."

"They just want it to look good for photos," Jess says, putting his arm around her. "Want to get a drink?"

Jess has moved out of the shared apartment upstairs to one of his own, around the corner, but he's still welcome to use the old rooms. He goes up to the kitchen, coming back with two glasses of water and Rory sits down to drink it. She's tired from the journey but makes an effort to smile and look bright when Jess seems concerned.

"What time should we get ready?"

"Not for an hour or so. Want to head to mine?"

After a small dinner and big cup of coffee, Rory heads over with Jess. He's wearing a suit without a tie and Rory's wearing her dress. It's blue and made of floaty material, and if it had been a couple of months ago she may not even look pregnant, but as it is, Rory thinks it looks okay. She wishes she could have paired it with heels but there's no hope at this stage and she's opted for silver flat sandals and simple silver earrings to match. Jess holds Rory's hand as he pushes open the door and a wave of noise greets them. Swarms of people mill around and, for a moment, Rory is overwhelmed.

"Hey, let's get something to drink," Jess says into her ear and Rory nods. She feels a little more herself as she sips a sparkling orange juice and starts as a loud voice cries,

"Jess Mariano, you sly dog!"

A laughing man comes around, slapping Jess on the shoulder, and exclaims,

"How long's it been?"

"Long enough," Jess grins, slapping him back. "Rory, this is Matthew. He used to work here, until he got a better offer."

"Hey, getting married was a different offer, I never said better. And that publishing house is closer to our place."

"Yeah, quite a commute from Maine otherwise," Jess allows. "We've just about forgiven him."

"Good to meet you, Rory," Matthew says, shaking Rory's hand. "Jess, I'd be mad at you if I wasn't so thrilled. You never told me Rory was pregnant!"

"Oh, uh..."

"And after the hell you gave me when I didn't tell you I thought Jenny might be! Is it because you knew how much fun we'd have with you becoming a dad? You always said kids made you nervous because their hands were gunky!"

"Yeah, I..." Jess hesitates, half laughing and Rory bites her lip. "What can I say?"

"You can say, sorry I didn't tell you!"

"Sure."

"And invite us for a beer when the baby's born," Matthew says, grinning. "Congratulations, man. And congratulations, Rory. When's it due?"

"June," Rory says in a small voice and Matthew smiles, congratulates them again and heads out into the crowd.

"I'm sorry," Jess says, turning to Rory and she shakes her head.

"It's fine," she says, voice brittle. "You don't talk to him so much now?"

"I told him I was seeing you. I figured the rest was..."

"Embarrassing?"

"No! Just complicated. I didn't know how to put it in an email."

Rory nods and Jess puts his hands on her shoulders.

"I am not embarrassed. Everyone I work with knows what's going on."

Somehow this makes Rory feel worse and Jess adds,

"I don't like sharing everything that's going on, especially as it's your stuff too. I didn't want to - Rory, it's your business."

"I know," Rory says eventually. "I get it."

"Are you mad?"

"No," Rory says honestly. "I'm not mad."

Jess looks at her carefully but Rory drinks the rest of her orange juice, which tastes bitter. She's not angry, more upset, but it's not Jess's fault and it's his night. Rory takes a deep breath, makes herself smile and they go and talk to more people. It's a similar situation, most exclaiming that they didn't know Jess was going to become a father and the smile feels frozen on Rory's face. Finally she excuses herself to the bathroom where she takes a long pee before washing her hands, splashing water over her face. When she arrived Rory felt dressed up enough but looking in the mirror she seems slovenly. Everyone is wearing suits or dresses that are tight in the right places, their faces artfully coated with makeup. Rory's dress slumps over her and is only tight over her bump, and she looks like the lumpy bag she kept clothes in last year when the box broke. How could she think it was flattering? The dress makes her look even bigger than she is and her face is red from heat. Everything looks wrong, everything is wrong and Rory aches all over. Her ankles, her back and breasts are unbearably sore and all Rory wants is to go home. She wants to go home and be away from this, all of this, and not be pregnant. She wants her body back and doesn't want to go back outside and be talked over and feel the rush of humiliation when they congratulate Jess. It's not fair, to him or her, and Rory tastes anger mixed with guilt. Just then, the door opens and Rory swallows the lump in her throat. An older woman enters and she remarks,

"They're about to start out there."

"Thanks. I'm just going."

"Demand a chair," the woman says shrewdly. "My word, are you eight months along?"

"Nearly."

"I remember that being terrible."

"Yeah," Rory says, smiling in spite of herself, and the woman adds,

"Well, push someone off a chair if you need to. And congratulations, dear."

"Thanks," Rory says and, although she's far from better, she feels a little less dreadul as she goes back out. She sees Jess, who has got a chair ready, and she moves over as fast as she can.

"I'm going on in a few minutes," Jess whispers, helping her sit. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Rory says, squeezing his hand. "Go on, go be awesome!"

Jess is awesome, and so is everyone else who reads, aside from one dubious poet. The evening stretches into night and Rory almost falls asleep by the end. Her pride is swallowed by sleepiness and irritability which comes with it, and when they get back to Jess's apartment Rory feels on edge again. It didn't help that everyone congratulated Jess again as they left and Rory is badtempered as she pulls her dress off and puts her pyjamas on. Her stomach stretches at the waistband and chafes as she gets into bed next to Jess.

"You're quiet," Jess says and Rory retorts,

"I'm tired."

"Does your back hurt?"

"Yes, my back hurts," Rory says angrily. "It hurts all the time now and so does everything else!"

"Do you want anything?"

"No. Let's just go to sleep."

"You're mad at me," Jess says and Rory sits up.

"I'm not mad at you."

"Yes you are."

"Jess, I don't want to get into this. It's your night and I'm not mad at you."

"It's my night and you are mad at me. Talk to me."

"I'm mad because I feel wrong," Rory says furiously. "I'm mad because everyone at that party was telling you how happy they are that you're going to be a father, and why didn't you tell them and you're smiling and pretending and I have to pretend to and it's all so wrong!"

"What's wrong?"

"Having to lie!"

"I'm not lying!"

"It is lying!" Rory exclaims. "It's lying to make out we got together before this and that I wasn't pregnant, but I was pregnant and it was with someone else!"

"So what do you want me to do, Rory? Go back and tell all those people that it isn't my baby?"

"No, of course I don't!"

"Then why are you mad?"

"I'm mad because I can't be mad!" Rory shouts. "I'm mad because you always do the right thing and I've done the wrong thing and I can't be mad about it because I'm the one who made it that way! I'm mad because whenever Logan goes out no one looks at him and knows he's had sex with someone other than Odette but when people take a look at me they know I'm pregnant! I'm mad because sometimes I hate this, I really really hate this, but then I feel horrible because I love my baby and it's not its fault, but I don't want to be pregnant anymore! And I go out tonight and I look all wrong and feel all wrong and everyone else looks perfect, but I can't be upset because I don't want to ruin things for you. It was your event and I wanted it to be perfect but it I hated it and I feel bad! I feel terrible! I don't want to act happy!"

"You don't have to act happy!"

"Yes I do! Like tonight! I couldn't tell Matthew the truth! If his wife does get pregnant, they're going to go out and smile when they say they're having a baby! But I'm raising my baby in New York, not a family house in Maine!"

Rory starts crying, an unstoppable slog of hormones and she buries her face in her arms.

"I'm sorry for tonight. I shouldn't have made you come," Jess says regretfully.

"You didn't make me come," Rory says, angrily wiping her tears. "I'm not mindless just because I'm pregnant. I can still think!"

"I shouldn't have asked you to come."

"Because it's embarrassing?"

"It's not embarrassing!" Jess exclaims. "Why do you keep saying that?"

"Because it is! Imagine if we had told those people the truth!"

"I don't care what they think. I care that you're upset and tired and worked up."

"I'm not just pregnant! I'm still me, and I can deal with being upset!"

"You're too stressed!"

"I'm not too stressed! I'm upset and yes, stressed right now, but it's fine. I'm just mad and I don't want to be."

"Why?"

"Because it's not fair! Because you've been great and it's your night and I wanted to come and be supportive and I didn't want to wreck it!"

"You haven't wrecked anything," Jess says and Rory sniffles.

"We're fighting."

"Getting stuff out of our system. I'm not mad at you."

"I'm not mad at you," Rory says, blinking away the last of her tears. "I'm mad but it's not at you."

"You were mad at me."

"A little. But I didn't want to be."

"It's okay," Jess says, putting his arm around her. "I understand."

"I'm so tired," Rory sobs. "I'm tired of everything."

"I know."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too."

"What for?"

"Putting pressure on you for tonight."

"This kind of stuff is always going to happen," Rory says seriously. "When I was a kid, people always thought Mom was my sister."

"What did she say?"

"She'd say, _try daughter_ ," Rory says with a laugh. Jess chuckles too and Rory says thoughtfully,

"She never sound like it bothered her, but maybe it did. I don't know. People would always look stunned and we'd laugh, but I was really young. Maybe she wanted to pretend sometimes."

"Do you want to pretend?" Jess asks and Rory is quiet.

"I don't want to pretend," she says slowly. "I don't want to make my baby feel like it has to lie about where it came from, or that I should. It's like when girls would get pregnant and sent away to visit an aunt, and then their mom would have a baby when they came home - it would feel like that, if I lied. It's awkward but it's the truth. I don't want to feel ashamed."

"So should I tell the truth next time?"

"If you want to. It's a weird story."

"I love you. That's the truth."

"What?" Rory asks, looking up, and Jess says,

"I love you, Rory. People can deal with the rest."

"Jess," Rory breathes. She leans over, kissing him and feels her heart turn over. "I love you too."

He kisses her, over and over, slipping off her shirt, and later, as they lie in bed, Jess says,

"You know, if you wanted to be here, you can."

"What do you mean?" Rory asks, leaning over and Jess says,

"How you're having the baby in New York - if you want, you can move in with me. It doesn't have to be so separate."

"Oh, Jess." Rory is filled with gratitude but stops short of agreement and Jess asks,

"What do you think?"

"Jess, thank you. I just - I don't feel ready to do that."

Rory sees him nod, in the dark, and she puts a hand on his chest.

"It's not that I hate the idea."

"But you don't want to."

"I feel like I'm figuring a lot of this out," Rory says slowly. "I need to know I can do it. And I love you, Jess, and I love you for asking, but it's still so new and I don't feel ready. Not right now."

"Okay."

Rory hears the hurt in his voice and lies close to him.

"I'm sorry."

"I get it," Jess says, sounding more himself this time. He reaches over to hold her hand and kisses the top of her head. Rory rests against his chest and they sleep cradled up until morning.


	26. Chapter 26

**Thanks for the feedback! Congratulations Droolia!**

On Saturday Rory and Jess spend a lazy morning in bed. Rory's antenatal class is cancelled this week and she's arranged to go and spend the weekend with Lorelai, but she doesn't have to leave just yet. As it is, Rory sits with notes for her book, a coffee cup balanced precariously on her bump, and scribbles down the occasional thought. It was a better idea in theory as Jess keeps distracting her and every so often the baby kicks, dislodging the cup. Rory manages to grab it before it spills over them and they laugh loudly.

"I'd say it doesn't appreciate being used as a table," Jess says, kissing her bump, and Rory giggles.

"Mom used me as a TV tray when I was born. The kid should think itself lucky."

At this, the baby kicks out as if in indignation and Rory gives up, putting the cup aside.

"You win," she says to her stomach. "I guess we should be getting up anyway."

"What time do you need to leave?"

"Mom wants me there by one."

"Very specific for Lorelai."

"She wants a girly weekend with lunch. I guess we won't have much time after this."

Jess nods, getting up, and holds out his arm to help Rory out of bed. Grabbing a towel, Rory heads to the bathroom and slowly steps into the shower. As she lets the water run over her Rory reaches for the shampoo, silently sighing. She hasn't been able to see her toes for some weeks now and Rory's sure she's twice as large as yesterday. After washing Rory pulls on one of the maternity dresses she bought with Lorelai, months ago, when she thought it looked like a tent. Now it clings to her and Rory ruefully brushes her hair, dabbing on some mascara and checking she has all her things. Jess comes out of the bathroom, his hair curling from the water, and gives her a kiss. It tastes minty with toothpaste and Rory smiles.

"You taste nice."

"I bet you say that to all the guys."

"Just the guys who use my toothpaste."

They grin and Rory hesitates.

"What?" Jess asks and Rory smiles, shaking her head.

"It's nothing."

"What is it? I don't taste good?" Jess smiles but he sounds anxious and Rory silently goes into the bedroom, emerging with something tight in her hand.

"Here."

She holds out her palm and Jess takes out a key.

"I know I said I wasn't ready to move in," Rory says shyly, "but I like you being around. And as you come over so much I thought - well, you can see. Do you want it?"

"Of course I want it," Jess says seriously. He tucks the key in his pocket and puts his arms around Rory, kissing her deeply. "Thank you."

"You're welcome. I was going to give it to you last night - you know how we thought we might go see a movie and then get a drink? - but when we didn't and I forgot."

Jess grins and Rory is embarrassed as she remarks,

"Romantic, I know."

"It's perfect," Jess says sincerely. "I'll cut you a key for my place when I get back."

"You don't have to do that."

"Rory, I want to do that. I was thinking about it anyway. I didn't know if you wanted...anyway, now I do. I'll get you a key."

"Thanks." They kiss again and Rory asks, "Do you still have that event tonight?"

"It's just an author signing, and yeah. I'm going for lunch with her and some other work buddies at two."

"Then I guess we'd both hit the road," Rory sighs. "Come on."

They kiss goodbye at the doorstep and head to their respective cars. Rory is halfway down the highway when she realises she has a big, goofy grin on her face and she laughs out loud. She feels like when she was sixteen and had just had her first kiss, unable to stop her silly smile. Turning on the radio, Rory sings along and she's still bubbly with laughter as she pulls up to her mother's house, turning off the engine. As she opens the door Lorelai comes running out and down the steps, helping her out. She has an excited smile on her face too and Rory laughs.

"What's up, Mom?"

"Nothing. Well - come on."

Lorelai leads up her the steps, throws open the door and a chorus of voices call,

"Surprise!"

Rory blinks as she goes into the living room. Standing in an uneven circle are Lane, Paris and three women from her antenatal group and hanging on the wall, in big, bold letters, is a sign which reads BABY SHOWER! with, in hasty pen, _Rory's_ written above it.

"Mom, what is this?" Rory exclaims, feeling dizzy. "What's everyone doing here?"

"We wanted to give you a party," Lorelai says. "And I know you don't like surprises but it felt more fun this way, and I didn't want you worrying about it. And as you said this week your class was cancelled, it just seemed like a good time to do it and, well - are you mad?"

She sounds anxious and Rory shakes her head, still in shock.

"No, it's great Mom. I'm just surprised."

"Kind of the point," Paris remarks and Rory smiles, allowing herself to be ushered inside. She sits on the couch, taking in the sight of balloons in every colour and a pile of gifts on the table.

"Oh guys, you didn't have to," Rory protests. "It's too much."

"Hey, you're going to be getting a kid out of your body. Take all the gifts you can get," Lorelai says and Rory shakes her head, unable to argue.

"I didn't see any cars out front."

"Your mom had us park around the corner," Lucia explains. "I took Mary and Annabel. We got lost a few times. There's no names on these streets!"

"I told you to turn right at Monty the rooster statue," Lorelai protests and Rory says swiftly,

"It was so great of you guys to come. I didn't know my mom had your numbers."

"I went through your phone," Lorelai says unabashedly. "Now come on, let's start the party! Which gift are you going for first?"

"This one," Rory says, grabbing a random present from the pile and Lucia tells her it's hers. Rory opens it to find three sleepsuits in green and holds them out to admire them.

"Thanks, Lucia. They're gorgeous."

"I wish you knew what the sex is going to be," Lucia comments. "I didn't know what colour to get so I had to buy green."

"Well, green's the new pink," Lorelai jokes. Lucia frowns and Rory says hastily,

"It's fine. They're just what I need."

"But how do you know if you're going to dress the baby in pink or blue?"

"I don't. It's no big deal. Lane's given me some of her boys' old baby clothes and if it's a girl it's not going to turn into a boy, right?"

Lucia raises her eyebrows and Annabel remarks,

"Hey, remember when Zoe had her gender reveal party, Lucia? She cut into the cake and it was supposed to be all blue M and Ms but some red ones slipped in by mistake and people asked if it was twins. She was so upset!"

"Actually, blue used to be considered a girl colour and pink for boys," Paris cuts in. "They thought pink looked like blood. So you were wrong anyway."

Lucia and Annabel frown and Rory quickly says,

"Thanks again. I guess I'll open this next."

Mary gives her a mobile, Annabel a nursing pillow and Lane gets her a teddybear, some snacks and three blankets.

"Remember what we said?" she grins. "About the stuff constantly oozing from a baby's every orifice?"

"Vividly," Rory laughs. "Thanks, Lane. Are the snacks for right now or -?"

"Nighttime feeding," Lane says seriously. "Or anytime feeding, actually. You're going to be starving and two in the morning isn't the optimum time to make food."

"She's right," Lorelai says and the other mothers in the room nod. Rory smiles and Paris gets up, dropping her gift into Rory's lap.

"Oh. Thanks," Rory says and she lifts it up, confused. It's heavy and as she opens it up her mouth hangs open. It's a big book titled _The Mother's Guide to Postpartum Sex_.

"There's some great stuff in there," Paris says as everyone peers at it. "Just wait ten weeks. The doctors say six but it was longer for me. Depends how badly your vagina tears."

"Wow. Okay."

Rory flicks through it, eyes widening at some of the illustrations.

"Make sure you go to yoga," Paris says, reading her expression. "It'll help for the positions if nothing else. My sex was volcanic once I used downward -"

"Okay!" Lorelai says loudly, clapping her hands. "Do people want cocktails?"

Rory puts the book in her bag, avoiding everyone's eyes and gratefully takes a nonalcoholic cocktail from the tray Lorelai holds. Tasting it brings back memories of the cocktail bar game she and Lorelai used to play on hot days, when she was little, and pretended she was on the beach. It was a mixture of lemonade, sparkling water and whatever fruit was left laying around, with an occasional scoop of icecream. Some drinks were more successful than others but this one tastes pretty good. Rory concentrates on sipping it and, as everyone finishes their drinks, Lorelai disappears into the kitchen and emerges with a cake. It has pictures of baby animals on and reads in pink icing _Congratulations Rory_!

"Sookie made it," Lorelai explains. "So it's safe to eat. She wanted to come today but had some sort of culinary conference. This is her peace offering."

"It's a heck of an offering," Rory says, cutting a piece and tasting it. "Wow, it's delicious!"

"Did you expect anything less? She told me she cried the whole time she made it because to her, you were a little girl yesterday."

"Let me know where her time machine is."

Everyone falls silent, enjoying the food, and then Annabel asks,

"Are we going to play games?"

"I didn't exactly set anything up," Lorelai admits. "Most of it seemed kind of gross. I don't know about you girls, but my idea of fun isn't sniffing a diaper or tasting what's inside to see if it's chocolate or not."

"Thanks for refraining," Rory says fervently, but her relief drops as Lorelai says,

"I thought we could terrify her with birth stories instead. Or some of you, as you look ready to pop."

"Mom!"

"This is my third, actually," Lucia says. "Hey Rory, how bad are your period pains?"

"I guess they depend on the month," Rory says, confused. "How come?"

"Because childbirth is like period pain quadrupled."

"To the hundredth degree," Mary adds. "I told my husband never to come near me again."

Rory smiles wanly and asks,

"How long was it for you?"

"The first time took thirty-six hours but the second one was only eighteen."

"Only eighteen," Rory echoes faintly and Lucia chimes in,

"Hey, my third one only took three hours! I wound up giving birth at home. There's a stain on the carpet that's never coming out."

"Great," Rory says. "I hope mine doesn't. I doubt I'd get that deposit back."

"Don't worry, Rory," Annabel says kindly, patting her knee. "It's your first one so it'll probably take a couple of days, all in all. I'd take the epidural."

Rory nods weakly and talk turns to babies, and phones are all whipped out to compare children. Rory sits back, letting it wash over her, and can't decide which labour would be worse. It's like the _would you rather_ game she used to play at school, having to pick between one horrible option over another. At least with that it was only fantasy.

An hour or so later Lucia says she needs to be getting back and Mary and Annabel get up to go with her. Lane and Paris stay a little longer, offering advice which is both useful and terrifying, before going themselves. Rory gathers the gifts into a pile, too tired to help her mother clean up, and eventually Lorelai flops down beside her.

"Hey kid."

"Hey."

"Was that okay?"

"The advice was pretty horrific but the gifts were great."

"I'm sorry if it's not what you wanted," Lorelai says guiltily. "I didn't know if - I should have run it by you. I just didn't want to make you more stressed."

"Mom, it was a great thing that you did," Rory says, sitting up a little. "It was fun."

"Are you sure?"

"I could have done with a little less talk of vagina tearing and Paris's present was, well, interesting, but it was good. I'm glad we did it. And I would have overthought it if it were up to me."

"You didn't mind there not being any games?"

"Are you kidding? I still have nightmares about that karaoke game at Sherry's baby shower."

She and Lorelai laugh and Lorelai pats Rory's bump.

"I'm glad then. Do you feel ready to eat?"

"I'm starving," Rory says, realising as she says it, and she and her mother head to Luke's. After the usual exclaiming and insisting she sit down right away, Luke brings out two cheeseburgers and a hefty side salad for Rory, sternly insisting she eat all of it. When he disappears into the back the two start eating and Rory asks,

"Any plans for the next few weeks?"

"Actually, we're heading to Nantucket week after next."

"Really?"

"Yeah. We both have some time off work and thought we'd head out for a few days. Mom's insisting we stay with her for a little while, of course. That was our agreement."

Lorelai makes a face but she smiles and Rory asks thoughtfully,

"Hey, do you need anyone to look after the house?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, what week are you going?"

"It's the first Saturday in June."

"I've taken time off work starting with the Monday after that. If you want, I could look after the house."

"Are you sure?" Lorelai asks quizzically. "I was in two minds whether to go at all because it's close to the baby coming."

"Mom, I'm not due until the end of June. Let me look after the house."

"Rory, it's Stars Hollow. We don't have a high record of burglary."

"I know. I just thought it would be a win-win for both of us - I'd get some time away before the baby comes and you can relax knowing the house is safe. Safer."

"If you're sure. I was going to let Babette's gnomes watch the place," Lorelai jokes. "Thanks, hon."

"You're welcome."

They finish up and go home, settling down with some movies. Rory goes to sleep peacefully after getting into bed but wakes suddenly, the baby kicking like crazy. Wincing, Rory sits up and blearily looks at the fuzzy clock. It's one in the morning and she groans, putting a hand on her stomach. The baby won't calm and eventually Rory heaves herself up, going to the kitchen to get a drink.

"Is this your idea of fun?" she asks and the baby kicks. "Hey, you're sassing me already. Big fun, huh?"

Rory pours herself a glass of water and as she sips it, conversations from earlier in the day rear up in her mind. She can't get her thoughts off length of labour and tearing in the vagina, and jumps as her mother comes in, rubbing her eyes.

"Mom, you scared me! Sorry, did I wake you?"

"It's okay," Lorelai yawns. "What are you doing up?"

"Your grandchild decided to kick me to death."

"Well, get used to it."

Lorelai grins but Rory is solemn and she asks,

"What is it?"

"I'm scared," Rory admits. "I'm not tired because I keep going over what everyone said at the party."

"It's going to be okay."

"I'll believe that after it's born."

"Rory."

"I don't want any kind of labour," Rory says frantically. "I want to be outside in the hall, like guys did in old movies, chomping on a cigar. Hey, I still have that button Jackson gave me. He didn't find out the sex of his baby and neither did I, and he said it was 1954. Well, that's good enough for me. I'll just wait outside until it's over."

"Rory," Lorelai says gently. "I hate to break this to you, but that's not going to work. You're the one who's giving birth."

"I know," Rory says, shoulders sagging. "I just want this whole thing to be over. It feels so impossible."

Silently, her mother brews some coffee and hands Rory a cup. Without explanation, Lorelai heads upstairs and returns with a small box.

"Have a look through that," she says, pushing it towards her daughter, and Rory opens it, a smile starting to move across her face.

"Is this my baby box?"

"Sure is. Almost a relic."

"Gee, thanks."

"Well, there's a copy of Teen Beat in there. I couldn't decide who the cuter guy was."

Rory sifts through the content, laughing at the walkman tape, and Lorelai says,

"You'll be making your own soon."

"I'll be making a Bananarama jumper?"

"Or not. You'll be making your own box full of all the special memories from that night, or day. Whatever time your kid makes its entrance."

"I don't know what I'd put inside," Rory says quietly. "I can't picture it."

"It'll happen, and then you'll be sitting here with me, and we'll be looking at your box. And someday, your own little girl or boy will be asking questions about it too."

Rory smiles a little and her mother takes her hands.

"I promise it'll be okay, sweets. I swear it."

"Yeah," Rory says, looking at the contents, tangled with love. "I know. I hope."

"It will."

Rory nods and stretches her arms.

"I guess I should go to bed."

"Finish your coffee first."

"What would Luke say?"

"Luke would yell, but he's asleep upstairs. And since when has that ever stopped us?"

"Never," Rory giggles, and mother and daughter laugh in the night.

The next day, Rory drives back. The presents are loaded in the trunk and she triple promises to drive extra carefully and slowly, kissing her mother twice for luck. Rory gets home smoothly, absently thinking of when to call Jess, when there's a knock on the door. Slighty confused, Rory sets her coffee cup down and opens the door. She's so surprised she takes a step back, her hand slick on the doorhandle. Standing in front of her is Logan.


	27. Chapter 27

**Thanks for the feedback!**

Rory stares in disbelief as Logan smiles and says,

"Do I get an invite in?"

"What are you doing here?"

"If you let me in I'll tell you."

"Fine. Come in."

Rory moves aside and Logan walks past her. He looks around the apartment and remarks,

"Nice place, Ace. Little small, but beats the apartment you rented with Paris with the fifteen locks."

"What are you doing here?" Rory asks again. She feels as if she's dreaming, that any moment she'll wake up and Logan won't be standing beside her, the same as always apart from the shiny wedding band around his finger. Logan stretches his arms and says,

"I had work here in the city. Thought I may as well stop by."

"How'd you know where I live?"

"Emily told me. I said I needed to see you."

"You spoke to Grandma? You didn't even call!"

"Isn't surprise our thing? Some lady was coming out the main door, informing me she was going to buy enough ice for a penguin habitat," Logan laughs. He takes off his jacket, placing it on a chair and says,

"Man, it's getting hot out there."

"You don't need to tell me that," Rory says frostily. "So what? You just decided to stop by out of the blue?"

"Why not? It's been a while. I wanted to see how you're doing."

"You could have called me."

"Like I said, I wanted to surprise you. I was here for work and it made sense."

"Oh, a ton of sense."

Rory and Logan look at each other and finally Rory asks,

"So how's married life? I assume you're still married."

"Odette's fine."

"Are you fine?"

"Me, I'm grand," Logan says. His laugh is hollow but he goes on, "We're fine. We work a lot so we don't see each other all the time."

"Sleep in separate bedrooms?" Rory asks and Logan shakes his head with a chuckle.

"Not quite. I have a lot of business trips though. I make it up once a month, take her away somewhere...we understand."

"Sounds like a fantastic marriage," Rory says sarcastically. "I take it she doesn't know about this. About you becoming a father - or is she pregnant? Wasn't that the plan?"

"She's not pregnant," Logan says quickly and then hesitates. "And she doesn't know."

"Of course she doesn't."

Rory folds her arms. She wants to look Logan in the eye but her back is killing her, and she walks over to the table, taking a seat and closing her eyes.

"Are you okay?" Logan asks and Rory snaps, "I'm fine."

"You look tired."

"Jeez, Logan, I wonder why that might be," Rory says angrily. "I'm eight months pregnant and you show up with no message, no call, and I'm supposed to find it adorable, right? Because we like to surprise each other?"

"I was thinking spontaneous, not adorable," Logan says, sitting next to her and Rory comments, "That's excellent, Logan. Why are you here?"

"I've missed you," Logan says earnestly. "I've missed you a lot, Ace. I'm married to Odette but I miss us - I miss how we used to talk, have fun together - and we're having a baby."

" _We're_ having a baby?" Rory exclaims. "I'm sorry, where have you been in this?"

"You said you wanted to do it without me."

"Logan, you didn't even take the sonogram picture. I said I wanted to raise the baby here but you could be as involved as you wanted. And when you said you could be a family man, you weren't even able to tell your father the truth."

"Rory -"

"I didn't expect you to," Rory says cuttingly. "But you've never called at all. I'm having the baby next month and this is the first time you've asked how I am!"

"But you said -"

"I know what I said! And I'm not mad at you for not calling all the time, I'm mad at you for just showing up! You can't do this Logan! If you come and see the baby, you have to call first! You can't just show up like that and do that to me. To the baby."

Logan is silent for a moment and then says,

"Sorry, Ace."

Rory shrugs and just then the baby kicks. Logan looks nervous as Rory's stomach ripples and says,

"You're huge."

"That's what happens," Rory says drily. "How did you imagine it, Logan? I'd have a tiny bump and then the baby would just be born like that? It's not exactly glamorous."

Wordlessly Logan gets up and walks around the apartment. With some effort, Rory gets up and follows to where Logan is standing. Her bedroom door is open and Logan stares at the fresh yellow walls, crib in the corner and picture of a bunny on the wall.

"This is going to be the baby's room?" he asks and Rory nods. "It's so small."

"Well, I can't exactly splurge on a nursery."

Logan's eyes settle on Rory's bed and he frowns.

"Someone else living here?"

"No."

"It looks like they are."

"It's none of your business, Logan."

Rory turns around, heading back to the kitchen and Logan demands,

"Are you seeing someone?"

"Yes, I am, and like I said, it's none of your business."

"Who?"

"It doesn't matter who."

"Well, I want to know."

"You really want to know?" Rory asks. "It's Jess Mariano."

"Who the hell is Jess Mariano?"

"You remember, Logan. You came back early from Omaha, when I was living with Grandma and Grandpa, and you came along with me and Jess for dinner. You were a total jerk."

Logan frowns and then his mouth hangs open.

"The writer? You went out with him in high school!"

"And now I'm going out with him again."

"Him? Now?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Rory snaps and Logan retorts,

"You know what I mean. He's dating you when you're pregnant with some other guy's baby?"

"Yes, I am!" Rory shouts. "Because unlike you, Jess is a great guy!"

"A great guy? So great you didn't tell me about it?"

"Why should I have to tell you?"

"If he's in your life, he's going to be in the baby's life, in my baby's life. I have a right to know!"

"Oh, that is such crap, Logan!" Rory cries. "You said we had separate lives. You're never telling Odette about this and you wanted to do this secretly! No one else is going to know you're a father, you're going to visit when it's convenient to you, and now you think you have a right to say who I can date? Suddenly you care so much about your baby?"

"It is my baby!"

"It's your baby biologically, and I'm right about the other stuff, aren't I? Or have you decided you're going to visit twice a month and tell Odette the arrangement?"

Logan sets his jaw and Rory says furiously,

"And don't you dare imply that I'd do this irresponsibly, date some guy on a whim. This is my baby, Logan. Jess isn't some guy I've just met, I've known him for years and he's a friend, and my stepfather's nephew."

"All in the family, right? Very VC Andrews."

"Please, Logan. We don't share any kind of bloodline."

"And this Jess guy is cool with this?" Logan asks, moving on to a new line of inquiry. "He knows all of this?"

"Of course he does."

"I must say I'm a little surprised. Those writer types are so sensitive."

"He loves me," Rory says simply. "I love him. And I'm a writer too, remember?"

"So he's been helping you write it? He's going to quote the great American novel while you change diapers? What'll you say to the kid when it's older? That the man who lives with Mommy isn't its real father?"

"His name is Jess," Rory says angrily. "And the baby is going to know it has a lot of people who love it. I'm its mom."

"I knew it. Back then, when I caught you going to dinner with him. You wanted to be with him."

"Logan, that was more than ten years ago!" Rory exclaims. "And I stayed with you. I couldn't even cheat with him like -"

She stops herself and Logan demands,

"You cheated with him?"

"No."

"But you were going to," Logan says, narrowing his eyes. "Care to tell me the rest of that story?"

"Fine. It was when we were fighting, and you were going away with Colin and Finn - right before you got hurt - and I went to Jess's open house. He works in a publishing house. And I was going to do something with him, like you did to me, but then I couldn't. I was so happy to see him and we did kiss, but I didn't plan it, and then I stopped and said I loved you and..." Rory stops, shaking her head. "You know, it doesn't even matter."

"Oh, I think it does!"

"What difference does it make?" Rory asks, letting out a sad laugh. "I stayed with you. I always went back to you Logan, and here we are. I'm pregnant but we're not together. When we were kids I'd think that it wouldn't last, not really, but I wanted it to, and it's come to this."

Logan is silent for a moment and then says,

"You stayed with me but you wanted him. You're with him."

"We made our choice," Rory says, looking into his eyes. "You chose Odette. I chose us moving on. Even if I hadn't got pregnant...Logan, you know it had to end."

Logan looks away slightly, his eyes sad, and the baby kicks. Rory puts a hand on her stomach and Logan asks,

"Is it kicking?"

"Oh yeah. That's its favourite pasttime. I'm scared it's going to be into sports."

The baby kicks again and Logan asks carefully,

"Can I feel it? The kick?"

Rory is quiet for a moment but nods.

"Okay. Put your hand there."

Logan gingerly places his hand on Rory's stomach and then jumps as the baby jutters against his hand. Rory can't help smiling a little and then they both jump as the door opens and Jess comes in. His smile freezes and he stares at them. Rory brushes Logan's hand away and they both get up.

"Jess - hey."

"Hi," Jess says shortly. "What's going on?"

"Logan just dropped by," Rory says, aware of how crazy it sounds. "He wanted to see how I am."

"Had work in the city, thought I'd stop in," Logan says. He grins but Jess doesn't smile, and Logan picks his jacket up.

"I guess I'll go."

"You guess you'll go?" Jess asks, stepping in front of him. "What are you even doing here?"

"Like I said, man. I had work in the city and Rory's in the city, and it seemed as good a time as any to surprise her."

"So that's how it is?" Jess snaps. "You're just going to surprise her whenever you feel like it?"

"Guys!" Rory says loudly. "Jess, it's fine. Logan, go."

"I don't remember asking for your opinion," Logan says, ignoring Rory. "And I don't remember you being involved with Rory getting pregnant."

"Hey, you're right," Jess says sarcastically. "Just like how you won't be involved at all as a father."

"Guys!" Rory protests again and Logan takes a step towards Jess.

"At least I am the father. You're not. You can sleep with her all you want, but it's still my baby. What kind of fucked up family do you plan to be?"

"Logan, shut up," Rory says, willing her body to move faster. "Just go."

"You know what you are?" Jess asks, shaking his head. "You're the kind of rich jerk I made fun of - still make fun of, actually. You just throw money at everything, think the rest doesn't matter. You think sending a ton of cash and showing up once a year makes you a real father, while you go back to your sham marriage. Explain who's fucked up again?"

Logan laughs and moves towards the door.

"You know you're the replacement, right? You're just second best because we can't be together. She's using you like she always does, and the baby's never going to be yours. It comes from something better, just like Rory, and you can pretend all you want, but you won't be enough for her. For either of them. You threw together a few sentences, called it a novel and got lucky. You'll always be the kind of guy who's hired to serve guys like me. You're nothing more."

"Fuck you," Jess says. His voice is quiet but full of anger and Rory moves over to them.

"Logan, get out, right now. I don't want to look at you."

"Sure, Ace. Guess I'd better watch my back, your boyfriend looks like he wants to take a swing at me."

"You're not worth it," Jess says, looking Logan in the eye. "You heard her. Leave."

Logan nods, sounding cheerful as he whistles down the steps. Rory and Jess wait until they hear the main door slam and then Jess turns around.

"What the hell is going on?"

"I told you! He just showed up!"

"Just like that?"

"Just like that! What, do you think I'm keeping it from you? That I secretly arranged for him to come?"

Jess shakes his head, his eyes still angry, and he asks,

"So this is how it's going to be? Logan's just going to come over and you're going to be fine with it?"

"Who said I was fine with it?"

"I came in and he was touching your stomach!"

"He was feeling the baby kick!" Rory cries. "We weren't having a tête-à-tête !"

"It looked cosy to me."

"You just came in at the wrong time! I thought you were going to call!"

"I did! You didn't answer your cell."

"It's in my purse," Rory says shortly and Jess adds,

"And if I had called, it wouldn't matter? You wouldn't tell me?"

"Of course I would tell you!" Rory exclaims. "What, do you think we were doing something?"

"That's not what I'm saying."

"It's what it sounds like. That we have a history, that I don't have a great track record and you interrupted us hooking up!"

"I didn't say any of that!" Jess shouts. "I didn't think any of that!"

"Then why are you mad?"

"I'm mad because you're not mad at him!"

"I am mad at him! I was yelling at him before!"

"You still let him sit there and feel the baby!"

"So I'm in the wrong for not making him leave?" Rory asks furiously. "I'm in the wrong for telling him he couldn't feel the baby kick. It's his baby!"

"Oh, I've been told that enough."

"I can't change that, Jess!" Rory cries. "Logan's the biological father!"

"So that means he's always going to be coming over like this, reminding me of that?"

"Jess, I won't let him visit out of the blue, but I can't keep him out of my life! Unless he's a really terrible father, he has a right to see the baby!"

"And he's going to take great joy in reminding me that I'm not and he is, every time!"

"You said this wouldn't affect things," Rory says tearfully. "When we started this, I told you how it was and you said it didn't matter."

"Rory, that is not what I mean."

"It sounds like it is. This is complicated, and you said you knew that and the baby wouldn't matter. It's mattering now! Logan comes over without any warning and now we're yelling at each other!"

"It's not because of the baby!"

"Well, what is it then?"

"It's that he always does this, even before you got pregnant! He treats you like dirt, he treats everyone like dirt and you always let it go!"

"I did not let it go!"

"You didn't tell him off!"

"I told him to leave!"

"You let him say all that crap!"

"Jess, you know none of what he said is true! You know I don't believe any of that!"

"But you still let him come in and say it and treat you that way!"

"So what should I have done?" Rory demands. "Pushed him out? It's kind of hard in this condition!"

"I don't know," Jess says, sounding suddenly tired. "I'm just tired of you always letting it slide with Logan."

"I didn't let it slide."

"I hate that he's around."

"Jess, he's always going to be around. I've told you that. He's -"

"Stop saying he's the father! God, I hate this!" Jess shouts. "I hate that he supplied some sperm, took off and he's still the father! And guys like that get away with it!"

"But I can't change it, Jess! You know I can't!"

They stare at each other, out of breath, and Rory says,

"I don't know what to do here. I said it was complicated. I said we shouldn't be together if it was too much."

"I never said I didn't want to be together!"

"I know!" Rory exclaims. "And I love you! But look at me and tell me that it being complicated isn't bothering you!"

Jess looks at her and says slowly,

"It's complicated but it doesn't stop me loving you."

"But it's bothering you."

Rory looks away and Jess says,

"Rory, please. I'm just mad at him."

"You're mad at me. I know you are."

"I'm mad that you didn't call him out. When he said all that crap."

"Like you said, it wasn't worth it," Rory says. "You know that."

"But you didn't say it."

"I'm sorry," Rory says, after a pause. "It all happened so fast. Jess, you know I don't think it."

Jess nods and they fall into an uncomfortable silence.

"Don't be mad at me for letting him be part of the baby's life," Rory says and Jess looks back up.

"He shouldn't have the right."

"But it's that way!"

"Oh, I know!" Jess says furiously. "And he's always going to make he remember I'm not part of it!"

"You don't think that's true?! Jess, you know that's not true! How can you think that?"

"I don't know!" Jess shouts. "I've been there for you through all of this and then that jerk shows up, like he always will and says he's the father! And I'm sorry I'm not perfect, but it's not exactly helping my mood! It's not as easy as I wanted!"

"Are you saying it's too much?"

"No! Damn, I don't know!"

Rory stares at him, her eyes filming with tears and Jess groans.

"I'm sorry. I'm just mad from him being here."

"And me."

"Rory. I love you."

"I love you too," Rory says, her voice catching. "But if it's going to be too hard each time -"

"I never said that."

They look at each other and Jess says,

"We aren't figuring anything out right now."

"Doesn't seem like it."

"Maybe I should just go home."

"Maybe," Rory says tightly. Silently, Jess reaches into his pocket and takes out a key, putting it on the table.

"To my apartment," he says. "I actually came to tell you I'm going to be away for a few weeks. I have to go on a tour to other publishing houses."

"Fine."

"They sprung it on me on that lunch yesterday."

"Works out well," Rory says. "I'm looking after Mom's place in a couple of weeks. She and Luke are going away for a few days."

"I guess I'll see you when you get back," Jess says after a pause. Rory nods and he says, "I'll call."

"Great."

Jess picks up his bag, looks hesitantly at Rory and turns to leave. Rory hears his footsteps echo away, looks out of the window and waits until he's gone before her tears fall.


	28. Chapter 28

**Thanks for the feedback!**

Two weeks later Rory headed to Stars Hollow. Lorelai and Luke are going to Nantucket the next day, and Rory helps her mother check she has everything packed.

"Extra jacket?"

"Check!"

"I think you're good to go, Miss Daisy."

Lorelai zips up her suitcase with a grunt of effort and sighs in relief.

"Thanks, kid."

"No problem, Mom."

Lorelai looks at her daughter carefully and asks, "Is everything okay?"

"I had a fight with Jess."

"You did? When?"

"A couple of weeks ago."

"You didn't say anything about a fight!"

"I didn't want to get into it," Rory says. "And we've talked since anyway."

Talking is a very generous term. Rory and Jess have called and texted intermittently, checking in, but their conversations are stilted and unnatural. They sound almost cool with each other and, against her will, Rory feels a big lump form in her throat and she sniffles.

"Hey," Lorelai says gently. "Let's get some coffee and talk about it."

They go downstairs and Rory sits at the table whilst her mother brews a pot. Paul Anka gives Rory's hand a comforting lick and she absently tousles his head as her mother brings the cups over.

"Start from the beginning."

So, taking a sip of coffee, Rory hesitantly tells her about Logan showing up, her argument with him and then Jess coming in and the fight stemmed from that.

"Wow," Lorelai says, staring over the rim of her cup. "Logan just showed up?"

"Just like that."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't want to dwell on it."

Rory takes another big sip of coffee and says, "I feel horrible. Logan said all this awful stuff to Jess -"

"Like what?"

"How he wasn't the father. And then Jess got mad at me for not standing up for him, and he was right, but it was all in such a rush and then Logan was gone and Jess and I were fighting and now -"

Her voice trails off and Lorelai aks gently, "Now what, Rory?"

"Now he's on a conference tour and I'm scared he'll want to break up with me."

Two fat tears spill into Rory's coffee and her mother lays a hand on her arm.

"Oh, honey. That's not going to happen."

"How do you know?"

"Jess is crazy about you."

"I feel like it's all gotten too complicated," Rory says in a wobbly voice. "What if he doesn't want to be with me anymore?"

Lorelai is silent for a moment and then says,

"Look, I don't know Jess as well as you, but he's been part of this family for a while. I know him pretty well and I don't think he wants to end things. You've been in each other's lives for so long."

"I don't know what to do."

"It'll be okay," Lorelai says, lifting her hand to her daughter's chin. "Maybe you both just need some space. It'll work out."

"Maybe I should have listened to you. Remember how you said it was a weird time to start a relationship?"

"But you've been together for a few months now. It sounds to me like you're crazy about each other."

Rory nods, looking away, and Lorelai leans over and kisses her cheek.

"Are you sure you're going to be okay? You don't want us to cancel?"

"What?" Rory asks, shaking herself. "Oh Mom, I'm fine. I want you to go."

"Gee thanks," Lorelai jokes but she sounds relieved.

"This break will be good for you, and good for me too," Rory continues. "I've nearly finished my first draft and I'm going to be able to get so much done. It's nice being home."

"Nice to have you home," Lorelai says, smiling. "And just think - next time you're home, you'll have the baby!"

"Oh, don't!" Rory exclaims but she laughs. She and Lorelai finish their drinks and Rory slowly gets up.

"I'm going to get some air."

Opening the back door, Rory steps out into the evening. It's so warm now she doesn't need a jacket and Rory stretches her arms. She's glad she won't still be pregnant in the middle of summer, as she's already feeling too hot and it's early June. Rory takes in deep breaths of the sweet air, closing her eyes, when a sound breaks the spell. Rory opens her eyes and heads over to the garage, where she can hear the noise of a buzzing, and goes in to find Luke bending over some wood with an electric saw.

"Hey."

"Jeez!" Luke jumps, dropping the saw and turns to see Rory. "I thought you were helping Lorelai pack!"

He bends over, turning the saw off, and Rory tells him, "I was but we're done. What's all this?"

Luke moves to block his project, looking guilty, but he relents and steps to the side.

"Take a look."

Rory peers over, unable to bend now, and gasps as she takes in the sight of a rocker.

"Oh, Luke, a cradle?"

"Going to be," Luke says sheepishly. "I need to put the bed on the rocker and fix the headboard, and then it'll be ready. Of course, it won't stay in the garage, I guess we'll put it in your own room or - ah, well. Do you like it?"

"It's beautiful," Rory says in admiration. She picks up the headboard which is on the shelf next to her and reads the engraving ABC on it.

"Thought you'd like that," Luke says. "It's kind of educational, and if it's anything like you that kid'll read its weight in books. Of course, it's a baby so it'll probably chew its way through them first."

Rory laughs loudly and puts her arm around her stepfather.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome." Luke gives her a sideways hug and kisses her cheek, which is unexpected but nice. "You doing okay? With everything, I mean?"

"I'm fine," Rory says but her voice must be uncertain as Luke looks at her knowingly.

"I had a fight with Jess," she admits. She leans against the wall and Luke picks up a chair in the corner, putting it beside her.

"You shouldn't stand," he says evenly. Rory sits down and silently Luke turns back to the cradle. Rory thinks for a minute and says, "It was a horrible fight."

"Yeah?" Luke sounds curious but he doesn't turn, letting Rory find the words. That's something she's always loved about Luke. He always lets her take her time, not hammering her with questions before she can think.

"Logan came over." Rory sees Luke stiffen slightly but he stays silent. "I didn't know he was going to. I just came home, from the baby shower and staying with Mom, and he was there. He hadn't called or anything. He was in New York for some work thing and dropped in."

"Really?" Luke asks, his tone somewhat sour. "How'd it go?"

"Not great. I was so mad at him. And then he was asking about the baby and I let him feel the baby kick and then Jess came over and we got into a fight."

Rory stops for breath, staring at her hands. Luke doesn't say anything and Rory rushes on,

"Logan said all this terrible stuff to Jess and I didn't say anything, and I know I should have done but it was all so fast, and then Jess was mad at me. We yelled at each other and then he went on a conference and I came here and we haven't spoken properly. I'm scared I've pushed him away."

Rory wipes away a tear and Luke says gently, "Impossible."

"How do you know?"

"My nephew is infatuated with you."

"It was such a bad fight," Rory says miserably. "Jess was mad about Logan coming over and saying it's not right that he's the father because he's never around, and he's right, but I can't stop Logan being the father. And I just - I don't think it's right if Logan never shows up, but I feel like I have to give him a chance. Maybe I screwed up."

"You weren't wrong to tell him," Luke says, straightening up and turning back round. "I was so hurt when Anna didn't tell me about April. I think it's good Logan knows."

"It's all such a mess," Rory says, fighting the lump in her throat again. "I don't think it's fair that Logan keeps it secret, but I don't know what to do. What if Jess thinks it's too hard? I wouldn't blame him. What if I've pushed him away?"

"You haven't pushed him away," Luke says seriously. "I don't have the answer, Rory, but I know he loves you. And Logan - some guys aren't fit to be fathers. You can give him a chance, but if he does it wrong it's not on you to fix it. Look after your kid and love it all you can. Protect it all you can."

"What if it blames me?" Rory asks, her voice caught. "What if it thinks it's their fault?"

"Parenting is hard," Luke says, after a pause. "But Rory, your kid will be so loved. Tell it that. Tell Logan what you want. It's on him to be a decent father."

"What if it's too complicated for Jess?"

"It's not," Luke says simply. "Rory, months ago I went to stay with Jess. You guys had had a fight about something - it was when Logan got married, I think. And Jess missed you but didn't know if it was right anyway and I asked him - ah jeez, this is all so Lifetime, but I asked him where he saw himself next year. If he wanted you around. And he just nodded, and said he was so sure, and I said he had to give it a shot. Rory, he loves you. Ever since you two met there's been something. And he doesn't care about how complicated it is. He just wants you - and the baby - in his life."

Rory smiles and Luke adds,

"When April came into the picture I never wanted to make things simpler. Not without Lorelai, I mean. And I didn't tell her that enough. Be honest with each other, don't let pride screw things up. The rest will take care of itself."

"You think?" Rory asks and Luke nods.

"I'm not saying it's going to be easy, but I know he wants to be with you. You'll figure things out."

Rory nods and says quietly, "Thanks, Luke."

Luke gives her another hug and kisses the top of her head.

"You're going to be an incredible mother, Rory."

"And you'll be an incredible grandfather," Rory says. They both smile at each other, not needing to speak, when they're interrupted by Lorelai calling,

"Hey, where are you guys?"

The next morning, Luke and Lorelai leave early. Rory and Paul Anka wave them off, Lorelai stopping to kiss Rory goodbye for the third time.

"I promise to call when we get there."

"I know. Give my love to Grandma."

"I will, and everyone else. Look after yourself, kid."

"I promise."

"I mean it, Timmy. No falling down the well."

"I wouldn't fit," Rory giggles. "Now go before you hit traffic!"

"Plus I want to get road snacks," Lorelai grins, groaning as Luke shouts, "We've been through this! No unscheduled stops!"

"Killjoy!" Lorelai teases. "Okay, I'm coming. Paul Anka, look after Rory."

Paul Anka whines at this and Rory says bluntly, "He's a terrible guard dog. I'll look after him."

"Remember he's afraid of watches. Okay, I'm going before Luke bursts a vein. Love you, sweets."

"Love you too, Mom. Bye!"

Rory waves and waves and Paul Anka barks until the truck is out of sight. Rory looks at Paul Anka and says, "Ready to watch the homestead?"

Paul Anka barks in reply, putting his paws up, and Rory laughs. She goes back inside, unused to the quiet, and puts on some coffee.

The next few days pass smoothly. Rory orders pizza the first night but, after Joe's exclamations over how huge she is bring over Morey and Babette to chime in, she decides to use what's in the fridge. Lane comes over to watch a movie, bringing supplies, and the rest of the time Rory blissfully writes in peace, aside from when Paul Anka needs her. It's disorientating, waking up in her childhood bedroom, and sometimes she half convinces herself she's sixteen again. It works until she looks down, or if the baby gives a hearty kick, and Rory laughs.

"But you know, Mom was sixteen when she had me," she says to the bump. "Isn't that a crazy thought?"

One day Rory is out of snacks. She tries to forget about it but cravings overtake her and, giving in, she grabs her purse and makes her way to Doose's market. Trying not to think about how a pair of eight-year-olds outstrolled her, Rory grabs a basket and throws in some nuts and milkduds. Tossing in some extra things she's out of, Rory heads to the register in relief, but then jumps as Taylor loudly says behind her,

"Rory, just look at you!"

Rory slowly turns around, an awkward smile forced to her face, and Taylor spreads his hands.

"Are you sure it's not twins?"

"Oh, I'm sure. Just got one in there."

"Well, it's certainly big enough. You look ready to burst!"

"That's not in my plans."

Rory tries to turn back round to pay but Taylor says happily,

"I'm so glad it's going to be born before July. We can put it in the summer parade!"

"No, you won't," Rory says flatly. "It'll be about two weeks old."

"Well, you can still enter it in the baby pageant. You'll win a month's supply of Doose's coupons and we'll hang its picture over the register!"

"Oh boy."

"Did you say it's a boy?"

"No, I -" Rory pauses, shaking her head. "I don't know what it's going to be. Look Taylor, it's really nice of you, but I can't promise anything. I'll be in New York and the baby will be so little that -"

"Rory, you have to promise to try," Taylor exclaims. "You were star of all our parades! Promise at least one celebration?"

"Maybe one," Rory compromises. "I'll see."

"And you'll let me teach it ballet?" Miss Patty asks, coming in. "Maybe this one will inherit a gift of dance!"

"Not from me," Rory says ruefully and bites her lip as Miss Patty cries, "Was its father a dancer? Oh Rory, do tell us who!"

"He wasn't a dancer. Guys, I'm sorry, but I really need to go."

"Oh, of course honey. You know, I was born in a dance studio," Miss Patty says smugly. "That's where they said I got my talent for show!"

"Well, I plan to give birth in hospital," Rory says, handing over her money and taking the bag. "But I promise that it can have lessons, if it wants to."

"Maybe this one will cheer for Harvard too! Goodbye, angel."

"Bye, Miss Patty. Bye, Taylor."

"Goodbye," Taylor says. "And do tell us when it's born? I've got a bet going with Andrew if it's a boy."

"You've what?"

"Er, nothing," Taylor says, coughing as Rory frowns. "Enjoy your day, dear."

Rory is grateful to get home. She shuts the door with a sigh, feeds Paul Anka, and makes a small dinner for herself.

"I wonder where you'll cheer for," Rory says to the baby between kicks. "Harvard or Yale? Or somewhere else? Let me know when you've chewed through your books."

The baby kicks again and Rory giggles.

"Just kidding. No pressure, kid."

After watching a movie, Rory goes into her room and opens her laptop. She writes and writes and writes, not looking at the time, and stops only to go to the bathroom. Rory works into the night, not tired at all, and when she stops it's three in the morning. Amazed, Rory saves her work and sits back in her chair. It's done. The first draft, at last, is finished and a slow smile spreads across her face. Rory squashes the urge to reread right away and get caught in another hour's work and closes the computer, stretching. Getting up, she yawns and lies sideways on the bed. Rory intends to only close her eyes for a moment before getting ready for bed properly, but then wakes with a start a few hours later. Wide awake, she slowly gets up and pushes open the curtains, letting the early light stream through into the room. The posters and books are suddenly glossed with sunlight and Rory smiles. She imagines sliding her own book onto the shelf someday and, shaking her head at herself, goes into the kitchen and makes a cup of coffee. As she does so, a pain spreads across her back and Rory ignores it. It soon fades and she walks out to the back porch to sip her drink. A few moments later the pain comes again and Rory puts a hand on her back.

"Hey, what's up?" she asks her bump. "Are you cranky with me about something?"

The pain recedes and Rory sits down, drinking the rest of her coffee. No sooner has she finished when the pain starts back up, encroaching all around her.

"Ow!"

Rory is starting to feel mildly worried and tries to calm herself. It's probably that thing they went through in class - Braxton Hicks - and will stop soon enough. It's too soon for anything to happen. Rory sits back, determined to relax, but then the pain comes again. Rory puts a hand on her stomach and it's gone rock hard. The pain is insistent and as it fades, the bump relaxes, but Rory does not. She's sure now and frantically shakes her head.

"You can't come now," she says desperarely to the baby. "It's too early, it's too soon. Mom's not here. You aren't due yet."

Some time passes again but the ache wraps around her and Rory gasps in blind panic. It's too early but it's started to happen. She's gone into labour.


	29. Chapter 29

**Thanks for the feedback!**

Rory sits, frozen, a hand on her back. Every so often the pain comes and she winces, whispering, "Hold on. Please, just hold on."

A million thoughts are swirling through Rory's head and she can't think straight. Is she supposed to go to hospital right away or wait? Is she supposed to start labour at home, or let the doctor check her? Should she drive herself to the hospital or is that dangerous? Rory can't think logically, can't slow her mind at all, and all she comes back to is that this is too soon. Her mother is supposed to be there, Jess is supposed to be there, and this is all wrong. She's scared and a tear trickles down her cheek.

She has to get moving, at least. Easing herself up, Rory gasps at a new contraction and bites her lip. As she tries to breath through it her eyes catch glimpse of her friend walking across the street beside the house and, with all her effort, Rory cries, "Lane!"

Lane stops, and, afraid she hasn't heard, Rory shouts again, "LANE!"

This time Lane sees her and she comes running up, her face etched with concern.

"Rory, what is it?"

"I think the baby's coming," Rory gasps and Lane exclaims,

"What?"

"I think I'm in labour. It's too soon but I think it's started and I'm here on my own and I'm starting to freak out now."

"Okay," Lane says, taking Rory's hands. "It's okay. How far apart are your contractions?"

"I don't know. My phone's inside and I'm not wearing my watch but I just had one. It feels like a lot."

"Has your water broken?"

"No."

"Have you lost your mucus plug?"

"No." Rory's nose wrinkles and she looks at Lane, and, in spite of everything, they start laughing a little. Rory's smile abates as she says, "I'm only getting contractions so far."

Lane looks at her watch and says, "Let's get inside. We'll call your mom and get you to the hospital."

Putting her arm around Rory's shoulder, Lane helps her back inside and through to her bedroom. A glance at the clock shows it's seven and Rory is stunned. She was outside for a whole hour.

"Where's your bag?" Lane asks briskly and Rory says frantically,

"I haven't got it ready, everything's at home, at my apartment. I'm not ready!"

"I'll get it ready for you," Lane says, picking up Rory's weekend bag from the chair. "What'll you need - pyjamas, hairbrush..."

Rory lets Lane take over and bites her lip. Putting her hands on her hips, she tries to take deep breaths and closes her eyes. Unwillingly, an image comes of not getting to the hospital in time and giving birth in her old bedroom or, like Miss Patty told her, giving birth in the studio. It's too crazy to think of and Rory emits a snort mixed with a laugh, which is halted as another pain comes.

"Ow! Lane!"

"It's okay," Lane says, taking her hand. "Is it really bad?"

"Yeah, it - ow!"

"Ten minutes," Lane says, looking at her watch. "Your contractions are just ten minutes apart."

"What does that mean?" Rory asks hysterically. "Am I having the baby here?"

"No," Lane says. "I don't think it's ready just yet."

"Well, neither am I! Do you think the doctor can stop it?"

"I don't think so," Lane says gently. "It's going to be okay."

Just then Paul Anka comes running in, barking, and Rory says,

"He's scared of your watch."

"Huh?"

"Paul Anka doesn't like watches."

Lane slips her watch off and puts it in her pocket but Paul Anka stills barks anxiously, looking at Rory, and she reaches to rub his head.

"It's okay, boy," she says, trying to convince herself. "Everything's going to be fine."

Lane is on her phone now, talking to Zach.

"You have to get the boys to school and you'll probably need to pick them up," she says. "Rory's gone into labour and she's alone. Yeah, I have to take her to the hospital. Yes, Hartford. I'll call you later, Zach. Love you too. Bye."

Lane hangs up and turns to Rory.

"I tried your mom but she didn't answer. I don't have Jess's number."

"I'll call him," Rory says, swallowing her panic. "My mom didn't pick up?"

"I think her phone was out of service or something," Lane says and, reading Rory's fear, puts a hand on her arm.

"She'll pick up soon," she promises. "She'll pick up and get back and be here, I swear."

"What if she doesn't get here in time?"

Lane pauses but says firmly, "This is your first baby. They're usually pretty slow. I'm sure Lorelai will be there."

"It's not slow now," Rory says tearfully. "This wasn't supposed to happen yet!"

"But it is," Lane says factually. "It's really crappy, but it's going to be fine. I'm going to get you to the hospital and your mom will be there, and Jess, and then the baby will be here."

"The baby will be here," Rory says breathlessly. "Lane, I'm scared."

"I know," Lane says gently. "It'll be alright. Come on, let's go."

Lane picks up the baby bag and Rory remembers,

"Paul Anka. Someone needs to look after him."

"I'll put some food and water out and then let Babette know. Come on, let's get you to the hospital!"

"I was supposed to have it in New York," Rory says as Lane feeds Paul Anka and pats his head. "That was the plan."

"I don't think that's going to happen," Lane says honestly. "You need to go to the nearest hospital. A doctor needs to check things out."

Rory nods and waits for Lane to run back for her car. Lane helps Rory into the passenger seat and Rory takes a breath, trying not to think about what would have happened if Lane hadn't walked past.

"Hey Lane," she asks curiously. "How come you were out so early?"

"I woke up," her friend says. "I felt like a walk. It was lucky, huh?"

"More than lucky," Rory says, and she reaches for Lane's hand to squeeze.

They drive most of the way in silence. Three more contractions hit Rory and she tries to breathe through them, gulping air. All she can think of that she is never, ever doing this again - if she gets through it. Pushing that thought away, Rory gets her phone out and tries her mother again. She still doesn't answer and nor does Jess, and Rory tries not to panic. Then they're pulling up to the hospital entrance and Lane helps her through, calling,

"Lady going into labour here!"

Rory expected it to be like in movies, where a gaggle of doctors and nurses swarm over and rush her to emergency, but instead the woman behind the desk simply hands over a form and tells them to sit in the waiting room. Lane fills out the form for Rory, who's pacing in front of her, and her mind blanks on half her information.

"I'm blurry on my own name," Rory groans and Lane says smartly,

"Got that part covered. I think this is done now. Sit tight and I'll be right back."

Rory walks back and forth as Lane hands the form in, unable to sit. Another contraction squeezes through her and she gasps.

"Never again," she whispers, looking at her bump. "You hear me? Never again!"

"A doctor's coming," Lane says, coming back. "Rory? You want to sit down?"

"I want Mom," Rory sobs and Lane nods sympathetically.

"I know. She's coming."

"Did you talk to her?"

"Well, no," Lane admits. "But I'm sure you will soon."

Rory groans and tries to relax. After what feels like an eternity, a doctor comes over and escorts them to the maternity ward, where he hands Rory a robe and waits for her to change. When she's managed to tug her clothes off and the robe on, Rory comes back out and allows Lane to help her onto the bed. The doctor asks Lane to wait outside, draws some screens around the bed and checks between Rory's legs.

"You're six centimetres dilated."

"What does that mean?" Rory asks desperately. "How long's it going to be?"

"I can't tell you that," the doctor says, pulling off his gloves. "All I can tell you is that nothing's going to happen for a while."

"Be vaguer," Rory snaps and he says smoothly,

"Ms Gilmore, everything is progressing as it should."

"It's three weeks early!"

"Still, everything seems healthy. Just try and relax and the baby will come in its own time. Would you like some ice chips?"

"No, I don't want ice chips!" Rory wails as he draws the screens back. "I want the labour to stop!"

"I'm afraid that's not possible."

"I want my mom, then. And my - I want Jess."

The doctor doesn't reply to this but opens the door for Lane to come in. Rory relays the information to her and says desperately,

"I don't know what any of it means. I read about it and we went through it in class but I can't remember, I can't think!"

"I don't think the baby's coming just yet," Lane says, taking her hand. "Six centimetres isn't that far, and your waters haven't broken. I think it's going to be a while."

Rory nods and Lane gives her a hug.

"How about we try your mom again?"

This time the phone rings and, after a few of them, Lorelai picks up.

"Rory?"

"Mom, the baby's coming!" Rory cries. "I'm in labour!"

"What? Where are you?!"

"I'm at the hospital in Hartford with Lane. It just started!"

"Are you okay?" Lorelai asks, her voice catching, and Rory says,

"I'm freaking out but I don't think it's happening yet...I'm six centimetres dilated and my waters haven't broken but Mom, I'm scared!"

"I'm coming right now," Lorelai promises. "Oh, I knew I shouldn't have gone."

"Mom, it's okay," Rory says, more firmly than she feels. "I'm with Lane and it's fine, it's all going to be fine."

"Of course it is. Breathe deep, honey. I'm coming as fast as I can. Keep your legs crossed."

"Will that work?"

"No. Just hold on, I'm coming."

"Mom's on her way," Rory says in relief, hanging up. Lane smiles and soothes Rory, who suddenly bursts into tears.

"I'm sorry," she sobs. "It's my hormones, but I was so - I'm so - I was scared she wouldn't get here."

"She's coming," Lane says, putting her arm around her. "Now, how about a game of tic-tac-toe before Baby Gilmore arrives?"

Rory tries Jess again but he doesn't pick up and, trying to distract herself, she plays two games with Lane. The morning moves on and not much changes and, when Lane goes to the bathroom, Rory tries Jess again. This time he picks up.

"Rory?"

"It's happening," Rory says, too relieved Jess has answered to feel anything else. "The baby's coming, Jess."

"What?" Jess exclaims. "Are you okay?"

"I'm not sure," Rory says honestly. "But the baby's okay. I'm at the hospital in Hartford with Lane."

"How long's it been?"

"About six hours. I tried calling."

"My phone was dead," Jess says. "I didn't notice - I'm such an idiot."

"No, you're not. It's okay."

"I'm coming right now," Jess says and Rory says,

"But your conference -"

"Screw the conference. I don't give a damn about that. I'm coming, Rory."

Rory hangs up, smiling a little, and Lane returns.

"What are you smiling about?"

"Jess is coming."

Rory's smile is replaced by a grimace as another contraction starts and Lane grips her hand until it's over. Rory lets out a breath and nods when Lane asks if she's okay.

"I need to call Logan," she says, her breath evening. "He needs to know."

"Do you want me to call him?" Lane asks but Rory shakes her head. Picking up her phone, she dials Logan's number and when he picks up he says,

"Hey, Ace. Thought you didn't want to talk?"

"The baby's coming, so I have to," Rory snaps and there's a stunned pause.

"It's coming?" Logan asks and this time his voice is a whisper. "Should I come?"

"It's up to you," Rory says honestly. "Your baby's being born. What do you think you should do?"

There's simply silence and Rory says, "I have to go."

"Are you alright?" Logan asks and Rory bites her lip.

"I'm never doing this again," she says honestly. "And I really have to go."

Logan doesn't say anything this time and Rory hangs up, Lane looking at her curiously.

"Is he coming?"

"I don't know," Rory says honestly. "And it doesn't really matter."

Lane seems surprised but Rory is sure. She doesn't care, just as long as Lorelai and Jess are there, and her thoughts are interrupted by another big contraction. The rest of the day ekes by, time scrambled and turning to evening. It passes horribly slowly and still too fast, and neither Lorelai nor Jess are here. Rory feels the bite of anxiety again and asks Lane desperately,

"Where are they?"

"I don't know," Lane says sadly. "I'm sorry, Rory. But it shouldn't be too long, right?"

"They should have got here an hour ago at least. What if something's happened? What if they can't come?"

"They'll be here," Lane vows and Rory reaches to hug her.

"Thanks, Lane. Thanks for staying with me."

"As if I'd leave you," Lane says indignantly. "My best friend is having a baby. I'd never let you do this alone."

"Thanks," Rory says, hugging her tightly, and the two are interrupted by the doctor.

"I need to check Ms Gilmore."

Rory gets back on the bed and lies back, letting the doctor look.

"You're eight centimetres," he tells her. "That's fine. It shouldn't be too long."

"Oh," Rory says, her throat dry. She sits up, sliding her legs round, and as she moves to stand something slicks between her legs. Rory looks down as water pours out onto the floor and exclaims, "Oh my God!"

"Your waters have broken," the doctor says obviously. "You'll start full labour soon."

"Full labour?" Rory asks frantically. "I thought this was full labour!"

"You're going into the second stage. It won't be too long until you're fully dilated."

"What? But - but I'm not ready," Rory flounders. "My mom and partner aren't here."

"Well, I can't ask the baby to wait."

At Rory's horrified expression he says more kindly,

"There's still some time. You aren't fully dilated yet. Try and relax."

"Like that's going to happen," Rory says sarcastically. She squeezes some tears out of her eyes and then Lane is there, saying hurriedly,

"What's happening? The doctor said your waters broke."

"It's too soon," Rory says. There's a lump in her throat and she tries to swallow it. Lane steps aside as a nurse comes in with a mop, wiping the water, and holds onto Rory's hand, who clasps Lane's tightly as another contraction starts.

"They're getting closer together," Rory says, gasping. "It's starting to happen."

"I'll come in with you," Lane says bravely. "If your mom and Jess can't be here, I will. You're not doing this alone."

"Thanks," Rory whispers. She'd half thought of doing the whole thing alone, the entire birth, but now it's started she can't picture anything worse except, she thinks wryly, her grandmother coming in. She looks at Lane gratefully and they both jump as the door bursts open.

"Jess!" Rory cries as he runs over. His breath is heaving in and out but he runs straight to Rory, wrapping her in his arms and kissing her over and over.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't get here."

"You're here now."

"Stupid traffic. Stupid tailback. I was going to call you but I didn't want to make you more freaked out and Rory - I swear, I almost jumped out of my car and ran here from Philadelphia."

"It sounds like you did," Lane remarks and Rory laughs. Jess smiles as he says,

"Just from the parking lot. I don't know if I even stopped the engine. Are you okay?"

"I'm okay," Rory says and he asks,

"And the baby?"

"Fine too. My waters just broke."

Jess gulps and nods and Rory says,

"Have you heard from my mom? She's supposed to be here but she's not and I can't get hold of her."

"Sorry. But I was so focused on the road I didn't think about my phone once."

"Are you her partner?" the doctor asks, coming in and Rory says,

"He absolutely is."

"Are you coming into delivery?"

"If she wants me to," Jess says, looking at Rory who nods vigorously.

"Of course I do."

"It shouldn't be much longer," the doctor says. "Your baby should be here by morning."

An hour or so later, the doctor checks Rory and announces that she's ready.

"But Mom," Rory says desperately. "I want my mom."

"There's no time," the doctor says and Jess squeezes her hand. Rory nods, letting them transfer her onto a trolley, and just as she's being wheeled through there's a cry of,

"Rory! Rory!"

"Mom!" Rory sobs, sitting up, and her mother is running to her, tripping over her feet with her hair tangled and taking her in her arms.

"I'm sorry, baby. I'm so, so sorry. The car wouldn't start and the ferry was delayed and I was freaking out but I didn't want to freak you out and I wanted to swim over, and I would have if Luke hadn't stopped me and oh - I'm so so sorry."

"You're here now," Rory says, hugging her, and the doctor says,

"We have to go into delivery."

"Okay," Lorelai says, taking a deep breath. "And Jess, you're here -"

"I said I'd go in," Jess says, looking at Rory, who says,

"Mom, I know we said you could, but -"

"Jess should go in," Lorelai says gently. "He's here."

She kisses Rory's cheeks and strokes her hair.

"Mom," Rory says, her hair sweaty around her head. "I don't feel ready. This wasn't supposed to happen yet."

"I know, sweets."

"I don't feel ready for it to be born," Rory says unsteadily. "I don't feel like a mom yet."

"You will," Lorelai says gently. "When they put it in your arms, you'll know."

"How do you know?"

"It's how it was for me. I can see it for you."

Rory smiles and the doctor says they need to go. Lorelai nods and kisses her daughter one last time.

"I love you, Rory. I'm right outside if you need me. I'm right here."

"I love you too," Rory says and then she's being wheeled into delivery. The contractions are coming hard and fast, two minutes apart, and it's hard to keep her breath. Despite the urgency she feels, the baby seems to take its time and Rory moans, lying back against the pillows. She's taken some pain relief but it doesn't seem to have helped.

"I feel like it's breaking my back."

"It's getting ready to meet you," Jess says but Rory shakes her head.

"I don't think I can do this. It's too much."

"Yes, you can," Jess says, kissing her hand. "This is the last part and I know you can do it."

"It hurts too much."

"Hold my hand," Jess says. "Squeeze it as much as it hurts."

"Rory, I need you to push," the doctor says and Rory holds onto Jess's hand, squeezing and pushing as hard as she can. She lets out a cry of pain and the doctor nods.

"That's it, good girl. Hold on now."

"I need to push," Rory gasps, her mouth dry with shallow breaths. "I can feel it, I need to push!"

"Just wait a moment and - now, push again."

Rory pushes and cries, pushes and cries, and feels sweat pour into her eyes. She's dimly aware of Jess kissing her hand, wiping her brow, but he almost isn't there. It's her and her baby, lost in the now, and Rory can't imagine it's ever going to change. These animal like sounds are coming from her, Rory realises, these grunts, and she's remembering all her first pains; her period, starting sex, and the small cry of pain then. It's all come to this and Rory is shocked back with another contraction. She's pushed out everything, along with her will, but the doctor says determinedly,

"I need you to push even harder. I can see it getting ready to crown."

"I can't! I can't!"

"You can," Jess says, squeezing her hand. "You can do it. You're nearly there, Rory. The baby's almost here."

With a superhuman effort Rory pushes again and the doctor says delightedly,

"Well done, it's crowning! Do you want to see?"

"No," Rory manages to say. "I just, I - ow!"

Rory lets out a stream of swear words she forgot she even knew and promptly vomits over the side of the bed. The doctor smiles as though this is normal and says,

"One big push to get the head out. Come on, Rory."

Closing her eyes, Rory draws on everything she has and pushes with a loud moan, and finally something gives.

"That's it! That's it, the head's out! You've done the hard part. Now slow down - don't push for now."

That's impossible, Rory thinks, but it hurts too much to talk. She pants, trying not to push and then squeezes hard when the doctor says to. Rory pushes again, getting out the shoulders, the arms and Jess whispers,

"This is it. You're doing it, Rory. It's almost here."

"Nearly there," the doctor says encouragingly. "It's almost here - that's it - one more push, Rory - here it comes!"

Rory pushes with a painful gasp and then the doctor says happily,

"Well done! It's a girl!"

"What?" Rory asks blearily as a loud crying fills the room and the doctor lifts up something red and wriggling.

"It's a girl," he says again. "You have a beautiful girl. Nurse -"

"A girl?" Rory echoes in shock and numbly lifts her arms as they hand the baby to her. "It's a _girl_?"

The baby cries loudly and, in disbelief, Rory locks her eyes onto her daughter's and starts to cry herself.

"Hi," she sobs kissing the top of her head. "Hi, baby. Hi, little girl."

Jess kisses Rory and the baby before the cord is cut and then she's wrapped up and taken by the doctor. The nurse kneads Rory's stomach, and with a few contractions the placenta comes out but Rory is so caught on the baby she hardly cares.

"She's here," Jess says, dazed. "Rory, you did it. I love you. You're amazing."

"She's here," Rory says, and she can't stop crying but now she's laughing at the same time, and when the baby is given back Rory smiles through her tears.

"She's seven pounds," the doctor says. "Well done."

"Jess, will you tell my mom?" Rory asks and he nods. Kissing her again, Jess goes outside and Rory holds the baby gently to her chest.

"We did it," she tells her. "You couldn't wait, huh? I'm glad you're here. I'm your mommy, little girl. I love you. That's right. Oh, it's okay. We're okay."

The baby cries against Rory's chest and she leans against the bed. The early dawn light is streaming through the windows, anointing her as a mother.


	30. Chapter 30

**Thanks for the feedback!**

The door quietly opens and Lorelai comes in, her smile filling her face.

"Hey, kid," she says gently, going over to Rory and giving her a kiss. "Are you okay?"

"I'm good," Rory says and Lorelai nods, wiping the tear brimming at her eye.

"Jess said you and the baby are fine, but he thought you should tell me what it is."

"It's a girl," Rory says, lifting the baby up. A shocked happiness spreads across Lorelai's face and she gasps.

"It is? It's a girl?"

"Yes, it's a girl!" Rory says, laughing. "Why'd you sound so surprised? You were always so sure."

"I know, I know, I just - oh, she's perfect. She's beautiful."

"Do you want to hold her?" Rory asks and her mother nods, holding her arms out and gently taking the baby. "Meet your granddaughter."

"Oh, hi," Lorelai sas breathlessly. "Oh Rory, she has your eyes. My eyes too, I guess."

"They're baby eyes," Rory says, unable to hide her smile. "They might change."

"No way. She has the Gilmore eyes."

"Do you think so?"

"I know so. Hey, little girl. Hey, sweetie. I'm your grandmother. Oh boy, does that sound wrong," Lorelai says, wrinking her nose and Rory laughs. "I still prefer saying I'm your mommy's mommy, but I know that's not going to work. But we'll figure something out. Oh, you're perfect. Your mom was the most beautiful baby in the world but I think you're her equal. And showing up early, huh?"

"She couldn't wait," Rory says, smiling, and Lorelai laughs.

"She wanted to see all the awesome stuff waiting. She didn't want to hang around, and I don't blame you, kid. You're already taking after us."

The baby squeals a little and Lorelai soothes her, softly kissing the top of her head.

"Oh, it's okay. I'm just being silly. You'll get used to that."

The baby settles and Lorelai looks over her head.

"Does this little lady have a name?"

"No," Rory says sheepishly. "I never settled on anything. I was expecting another couple of weeks, but here we are."

"So you're not naming her Lorelai?"

"No. Not for her first name, anyway."

"Well, she's hardly an hour old," Lorelai says, looking down at her. "She doesn't need a name just yet. Right now, she's our newest Gilmore girl."

"She'll always have that," Rory agrees. "Even when she's named."

"What do you think of that?" Lorelai asks the baby, gently tracing her fingers. "You're joining a grand tradition. There's a lot of rules to being a Gilmore girl, but it's okay. We'll teach you. You'll learn the fine art of combing takeout and watching classic movies."

The baby wriggles a little and Lorelai bends to give her back.

"I think she wants her mommy."

"She might be getting hungry," Rory says. "I'm kind of nervous about breastfeeding."

"Oh, you'll do fine. Give or take a few swear words."

Rory rolls her eyes and Lorelai laughs.

"It'll be okay. You'll figure something out."

"Well, I made it through labour."

"Are you okay?" Lorelai asks more seriously and Rory nods. "You were so strong, sweetie."

"It was really scary," Rory says honestly and her mother nods, putting an arm around her. "And it really hurt. I'm seriously sore."

"We should get medals for this."

"I wholeheartedly agree."

"I wish I could have taken that pain for you," Lorelai says and Rory looks up.

"You had it when you had me."

"Yeah," Lorelai whispers. "But still."

They're quiet for a moment and then Rory smiles. "But look what I got from it," she says, cuddling the baby. "The most perfect baby in the world. Pretty good tradeoff."

"That's very true," Lorelai says and she kisses the baby's head. "I have a granddaughter. She's amazing already. And her mom is amazing too. I'm so proud of you, Rory."

"Thanks, Mom. It still doesn't feel real. I still can't believe she's here and that I'm holding her."

"She'll cry enough to remind you," Lorelai says unromantically and they both laugh. "But I'm so proud, sweetie. And I'm so happy. I don't think I've been this happy since you were born."

"I'm happy," Rory says. "I'm so happy I feel like I'm going to burst. I just wish I didn't feel like I'd been run over."

"Yeah, that part pretty much sucks. Do you need to sleep?"

"I'm tired but I don't feel like sleeping yet. I just can't stop looking at her."

"Do you feel up to anyone else coming in? Mom and Luke are outside."

"They are?"

"I called Mom on the way and she got the ferry after ours. She got here an hour or so after us."

"I'd like them to come in," Rory decides and Lorelai nods. She kisses Rory and the baby again and then Luke comes in. He's smiling, looking a little awkward, and what seems like the biggest bunch of pink balloons is floating behind him, clutched tight in one hand. The other holds a bouquet of flowers and something wrapped up.

"Hi, Luke. Wow, is that all for the baby?"

"And you. Good work, Rory," Luke says and they both chuckle. "I mean it though - having a baby isn't easy. So I've heard."

"Well, you've heard correctly. Thanks for all this."

Luke concentrates on trying the balloons to the table, after shifting the flowers and books hand to hand and eventually laying them on the bed. He goes to get a nurse for a vase and Rory looks at the explosion of pink, all different shades, and reading _It's a Girl!_ and _Baby Girl!_ She's curious about the present but waits for the nurse to put the flowers in the vase and leave before asking, "Hey, what's this?"

"Oh - that's for you," Luke says, scratching his head. "Well, for the baby. Sort of."

Rory unwraps it, curious, and then exclaims happily. It's a copy of _Jane Eyre_.

"I know she's a little young for it," Luke says, sounding embarrassed. "But I gave it to you for Christmas once and I thought, well, she should have her own copy. I actually bought it in Nantucket, we were in a bookstore and I saw it and it reminded me of you and I thought you could read it to her, him or her, and it's a girl but I didn't know then and obviously you won't be reading it to her for a long time, but - it just seemed like a good idea at the time."

His face is red but Luke smiles as Rory says,

"I love it. We love it. Thank you, Luke."

"Are you sure? It seems kind of dumb now. A newborn isn't going to care about a classical novel. Hell, I've never even read it."

"But she'll read it when she's older. I'm sure she's going to love it, and she'll love it even more because it's from her Grandpa Luke."

A proud happiness fills Luke's face and he asks,

"Grandpa Luke? Is that what she'll call me?"

"If you like it," Rory says and Luke nods.

"I love it."

"Well, would you like to hold your granddaughter?"

Luke nods and carefully takes the baby from Rory's arms.

"Hi," he says softly. "You're the most precious baby I've ever seen. You're so incredibly tiny. I'm your Grandpa Luke. I'm a little clueless at times but you'll get used to that. I'll build you toys and help you to ride a bike and bake coffee cakes for your birthday, if you like coffee. Which I'm taking as a given. Am I rambling? Ah, you'll get used to it. I'm married to your grandmother Lorelai, and she's Rory's mom. And Rory's your mom, little girl. Doesn't seem so long since she was a little girl herself and here you are. Hey, it's okay. Just lie still. I held Doula like this, when she was born, and I held Jess like this too. You know Jess. He's Doula's brother and he was here when you were born. And I'll always be around too, kid. You can count on that."

The baby wriggles a little and Luke looks up.

"Does she have a name yet?"

"Not yet," Rory says, blinking away the sudden moisture in her eyes. "She's just Baby Gilmore."

"Well, I think that's a pretty good name to start with," Luke says. "I'll let her go back to her mom."

He gently hands the baby back and then kisses Rory's head, squeezing her arm.

"I'm so proud of you, Rory. I love you. You know that, right?"

"I know," Rory says softly. "And I love you too, Luke."

They smile, suddenly awkward, and Luke coughs.

"Your grandmother's outside. She looks ready to kick the door down."

"Well, we can't have that," Rory says and Luke nods. "How come you got in first?"

"She was in the bathroom. Do you think she'll hold this against me forever?"

"Probably," Rory says truthfully. "I'd better let her come in."

Luke goes out and Emily speeds in, her hair unkempt and face bare from makeup.

"Hi Grandma."

"Are you alright?" Emily asks briskly and Rory nods. "And the baby?"

"She's fine too."

"It's a girl," Emily says, starting to smile and Rory grins, nodding. "Another girl."

"Here, Grandma. Get to meet your great-granddaughter."

Rory carfully passes the baby and Emily gently takes her in her arms.

"Oh, she's beautiful. She's absolutely stunning."

The baby scrunches her face up and Emily and Rory both laugh.

"She'll look more stunning when she's settled into her face more," Emily says frankly and Rory says, "Hey, give the kid the chance. She's hardly been born."

"She's a perfect baby," Emily says, giving her a kiss. "And she'll be a perfect little girl."

"Well, maybe not all the time. But that's okay."

Emily sighs but smiles and then says,

"Are you really alright? It must have been quite the shock, going into labour early."

"It was, but I'm okay. We're both okay."

"Are you in a lot of pain? I'll fetch the doctor and he can -"

"I'm fine," Rory says. "I mean, it does hurt, but I'm okay. I'm just happy."

Emily smiles and then laughs when her granddaughter adds,

"But if you want to remind me that I'll need some pain meds, I'll totally support your decision."

"You can count on me, Rory. Well done. I know it's not easy - it's been a number of years since I gave birth but I remember that."

"How many years?" Rory teases and Emily points her spare finger at her.

"Watch it, miss."

"Hey, I just had a baby. That gives me a pass, right?"

"Possibly," Emily concedes and her eyes lay on the book on the bed. "What's this?"

"It's _Jane Eyre_ , Grandma. Luke gave it to me - for the baby. It's a gift for her."

" _Jane Eyre_?" Emily echoes, her voice taking its dismissive tone. "For a baby less than two hours old?"

"It's not for right now."

"No, I'm sure she'll be mastering it at the age of two, who knows, maybe even eighteen months. We all know how much small children adore classical novels. I found your mother quite literally ripping into a set of Brontës when she had just turned three. Her grandfather cried louder than she did when he found out."

"Grandma," Rory admonishes but then is serious at the thought of her grandfather. Emily is quiet too and then says, "Richard would be thrilled."

"Really?" Rory asks and Emily nods.

"I can see it already. He'd go out and buy some kind of utterly unusable gift - perhaps not a novel but not something a baby could use. Probably some kind of savings bond, which is practical, but not quite for a baby. And he'd pace around without sitting down once and complain about how his feet hurt, and I'd shout at him about how he couldn't possibly imagine what childbirth feels like, and then when we'd hear he'd just be so happy he'd forget everything. And then he'd boast to the entire hospital about the brand new baby, and how she's the most wonderful baby in the hospital, in the world, and drop his great-granddaughter into every conversation. And probably start planning for her education already. He'd set aside a whole section of the library just for her."

"That sounds like Grandpa," Rory says, feeling emotional, and Emily smiles, passing the baby back as she starts to fuss.

"I'm sure he knows."

"Well, I can't name her after him," Rory says, looking down. "I think she'd get a hard time if I called her Richard."

"I suppose so. You aren't naming her Lorelai?"

"No. I don't know yet."

"Well, it doesn't matter just now," Emily says kindly. "What matters is you getting some rest. Make sure you look after yourself, Rory. You just had a baby!"

"I will, Grandma."

"Oh, and I called your father. He's on his way."

"Thanks," Rory says quietly and Emily hesitates.

"I promised your mother I'd find some kind of coffee machine. Do you need anything?"

"No, but thanks."

"I'll make sure to remind the doctor about your dosage," Emily says, patting Rory's knee, and Rory laughs a little. Emily goes out and quickly after, Jess comes in.

"Hey," he says quietly and Rory looks up.

"Hi," she says, her heart filled with love. "Are you okay?"

"Am I okay? I should be asking you that. You just had a baby."

"We had a baby," Rory says, looking down at her and Jess kisses her cheek.

"You did the actual pushing a human being out of your body."

"Not arguing with that," Rory says. "Thanks for coming in with me."

"I wanted to be there," Jess says seriously. "I get it - if you'd wanted Lorelai - but I'm glad."

"I wanted you here with me," Rory says, looking up at him. "Oh Jess, just look at her. Isn't she perfect?"

"She's incredible," Jess says. His voice is a little hoarse and Rory smiles.

"I'm sorry about our fight."

"It doesn't matter right now."

"I know, but I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too," Jess says. They look at each other and Rory says,

"Hey, you have to hold her. You saw her be born but you haven't got to cuddle her yet."

"Well, that's not right," Jess chuckles but he's serious as he takes the baby. His whole body settles and he relaxes into holding her. He seems a little nervous but he gently kisses the baby's head and carefully traces each finger on her hand.

"Hi, little girl," he says quietly. "I still can't believe you're here. Showing up early, huh? Just like your mom. You're not going to wait around. You want to see everything."

The baby stirs slightly and Jess says,

"You know, I'm always going to here for you. If you need a thing, you tell me. My main talent's going to be picking out books for you, but I'm good on the other stuff too. You probably don't need help with the book stuff. You've got writing blood in you, kid."

"You wrote a novel too," Rory says. Jess looks at her, starting to smile, but then the baby wails. Jess rocks her back and forth and she slowly settles down.

"That's right," Jess says gently. "It's all kind of new, huh? But I'm here. I'm always here."

The baby closes her eyes and Jess looks over at Rory.

"Do you want her back?"

"You can hold her a little longer," Rory says sleepily. "I'm so tired, Jess."

"I'm betting I can guess why."

Rory giggles but Jess is serious as he said,

"You were so strong, Rory. I saw how hard that was and I didn't even feel it - you were amazing. You're the most incredible woman in the world. I wish I could have taken it for you."

"Thanks," Rory whispers. "I don't think I could have done it without you."

"Yes, you could. I know you could."

"Still. You made it less painful."

"That was less painful?" Jess asks. His voice wobbles but he says, "I don't want to know what it'd be like if that was less painful. It looked bad."

"It was bad," Rory says honestly. "And hey, I've got a lifetime to get back at her for it. But we're both okay. And she's the most beautiful, perfect baby."

"No argument. I can't believe she's here."

"Neither can I. Oh, I could just look at her forever."

The baby starts to cry again and Jess sings something under his breath. The baby wails some more and then drops into sleep and Rory asks curiously,

"What lulluby was that?"

"No lulluby. It's the words to a Clash song."

Rory laughs and Jess carefully hands the baby back.

"Here. I think she wants her mommy. Do you have a name for her yet?"

"I'm working on it."

Jess nods and there's a knock at the door. Opening it, Jess lets Lane in and she whispers,

"Hey guys, sorry to butt in. Luke wants Jess. Some kind of havoc with a vending machine."

"Jeez," Jess says but he grins. He kisses Rory and the baby and walks quietly out, looking behind him to check he hasn't woken the baby. Lane tiptoes over to the bed and says,

"Hey."

"Hey. Lane, did you stay all night?"

"Of course."

"Oh, you didn't have to! You should have gone home."

"No way," Lane says firmly. "I wasn't going to leave you until I knew everything was okay."

"And it is," Rory says, showing her the baby. "It's a girl, Lane."

"Lorelai said. Oh, she's incredible, Rory."

"I know. And our plan worked - we've got a boy and a girl now. Well, boys and a girl."

Lane laughs but she sounds serious and Rory asks,

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I just heard your mom on the phone to Logan. He's on his way over. He should be here later tonight."

"Oh," Rory says. Her mouth has gone dry but she forces a smile when Lane asks,

"Are you okay with that?"

"I'm fine. I'm glad he's coming."

"You are?" Lane says doubtfully and Rory nods.

"He should want to see the baby."

Lane squeezes Rory's hand and then takes the baby to hold. She makes a fuss over her, nuzzling her nose, and Rory shakes her head when Lane asks if she has a name.

"Still Baby Gilmore."

"Baby Gilmore girl," Lane says, making her laugh. "And she's perfect."

After Lane leaves, the doctor comes in to see how Rory's doing. He gives her some pain medication and a nurse comes to help with breastfeeding. There's a few hit and misses but then the baby latches and there's almost a look of surprise on her face. Rory laughs as she starts to suckle but it hurts, and she bites her lip until it's done.

"That's it," the nurse says kindly as she burps the baby. "You can both have a rest now."

Rory falls into a deep, dreamless sleep and then wakes up some time later with a jump. Where's the baby? Her stomach is empty but then Rory looks to the side and the baby is fast asleep in a tiny crib by her side. Rory is sore all over, her breasts heavy with milk, but she manages to sit up and touch the baby's tiny hand.

"Hey, sweetheart," she whispers. "I'm right here."

Rory slowly reacquaints herself with the room, the bunch of balloons and cards people have sent and, of course, the novel given by Luke. Rory picks it up, looking at the front and then a smile spreads across her face.

"I think you have a name," she says to the baby. She's starting to stir and Rory gently lifts her and holds her to her chest. "I'm naming you Charlotte Lorelai Gilmore. What do you think of that?"

The baby blinks sleepily and Rory laughs.

"I'll take that as a sign of approval. Hi, Charlotte."

There's a knock on the door and Lorelai comes in.

"Hi. The nurse said you were up."

"Hey, Mom," Rory ssays, smiling. "Guess what? I've named your granddaughter."

"You have?" Lorelai exclaims and Rory says proudly,

"She's Charlotte Lorelai Gilmore."

"Oh Rory, it's beautiful! How'd you come up with it?"

"From Luke, actually. I was reading the cover of _Jane Eyre_ and saw the name Charlotte. I've always liked it, and it's an author's name, so she has books in there, but it's still her name. And she can have Lorelai for a middle name. That was she still has the tradition but it's her own, different name. What do you think?"

"I think it's the perfect name," Lorelai says, smiling. "I love it. What does she think?"

"She blinked at me so I'm assuming she likes it."

"Good enough for me. Hi, Charlotte. That's your name."

The baby wriggles a little and then Jess puts his head around the door.

"Hey. Emily wants to ask you about validating parking."

"You hear that, kid?" Lorelai jokes. "Your great-grandmother is using you for advice already. I mean, I'm sure you've got a great brain, but you're less than a day old. What's a baby to do?"

"Mom," Rory scolds, and Lorelai grins, getting up. She goes back out and Jess comes in.

"All okay?" he asks and Rory nods, beaming.

"I've given her name.

"What is it?" Jess asks and Rory says,

"Charlotte Lorelai Gilmore. What do you think?"

"I think it's great. What made you think of it?"

" _Jane Eyre_."

"Well, she always offers good advice."

"Charlotte Brontë," Rory explains. "She was always my favourite of the Brontë sisters. I wanted to invite her to my sleepover when I was ten and cried when Mom said I couldn't because she was dead."

They both laugh and Rory asks,

"Do you like it?"

"I love it. It's special."

"She's special," Rory says, kissing the top of Charlotte's head. "It's her very own name."

Jess nods and they both look round when Lorelai comes in with an odd expression on her face.

"What is it, Mom?"

"Logan's here," Lorelai says and Rory and Jess look at each other.

"I'll go find Luke," Jess says quickly, getting up. "He let three cups of coffee overspill in the vending machine, I'd better check he's not starting a whole other crisis."

Rory laughs quietly and Lorelai goes over as he leaves.

"Are you okay to see Logan?"

"I'm fine."

"Because if it's too hard -"

"Mom, it's okay."

"I'll kick him out if you need me to," Lorelai says fiercely and Rory smiles.

"I'll let you know. He can come in for now. He should meet the baby."

"Okay," Lorelai says, squeezing her hand. She gets up and goes out and a little later the door slowly opens. Logan steps in and says,

"I'm here."

"I can see," Rory says quietly. Logan looks tired, a big bag hoisted over his shoulder. He's wearing crumpled clothes which are normally immaculate, but he seems the same otherwise. Nervously, he approaches the bed and Rory says,

"It's a girl. I don't know if Mom told you."

"She didn't," Logan says. "Wow - a girl?"

"Did you want her to be a girl? Did you imagine her a boy?"

"I didn't imagine anything," Logan says quietly. Rory looks away but nods when Logan asks,

"Can I hold her?"

Carefully, Rory passes Charlotte to Logan and he awkwardly holds her, uncertainly tucking her into his arms.

"That's your daughter," Rory says. "I've named her Charlotte."

"How come?"

"After Charlotte Brontë."

"Oh. Of course."

"Charlotte Lorelai Gilmore." Rory waits but Logan doesn't say anything. He simply holds her, frozen, and when she squeaks he rocks her slightly.

"She has your eyes," he says eventually and Rory smiles.

"Mom said that too. They're baby eyes, they could change."

"I don't think they will," Logan says. "Are you okay?"

"It was pretty intense, but I'm okay."

"Was Lorelai with you?"

"Jess was."

Logan's expression sours slightly but he doesn't complain. Instead, he silently hands the baby back and Rory takes a deep breath.

"We need to do this properly, Logan."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, if you want to see her, it has to be real and arranged. I'm not going to let you just show up or call and ask her to come for Christmas. I mean, I'm guessing that's not going to happen with Odette, but you get the point. Don't wait until she's sixteen to come and see her."

"Rory -"

"It's not her fault," Rory says fiercely. "We made a mess of things, but it's not Charlotte's fault. I don't want her growing up thinking her father doesn't give a damn about her."

"Of course I care about her," Logan says angrily and Rory retorts,

"Then you have to show it. You have to really be around."

"We agreed I could be as involved as I needed to be."

"I'm not saying you have to be around every week or even tell Odette. I'm saying that if you want to be a part of Charlotte's life, you have to show you care. You have to arrange it and be there and never, ever let her down. Don't promise to come see her and then call at the last minute cancelling because you couldn't resist a trip away or because you just didn't feel like it. My dad did that to me all the time and it made me feel awful. It felt like he didn't want me, or that if I'd done something different he'd stick around. So if you want to be part of this little girl's life, do it the decent way, or don't bother."

"But it's complicated -"

"I don't care if it's complicated," Rory snaps. "She's your daughter. She's my little girl. And if you don't want to do it that way, you shouldn't do it at all. If you can't do it, you shouldn't be in her life. I'll tell her about you, and when she's older I'll tell her the whole truth, but I'm not letting you come and go when you feel like it. I won't let you do that to her."

Logan is silent for a moment and then says,

"I want to be part of her life."

"Okay," Rory says, breathing. "Then we'll figure something out."

"Right now?" Logan asks foolishly and Rory laughs a little, in spite of herself.

"Maybe wait until we've actually got home from the hospital."

"I'm sorry," Logan says. "I'm sorry about it all."

Rory waits but he doesn't elaborate, so she nods.

"Well, I've got Charlotte," she says, cuddling her to her chest. "And we really screwed up but she's worth it. So right now, it doesn't matter. I'm her mom."

Logan nods and Rory asks,

"What do you think?"

"I think she's a very cute baby," Logan says, somewhat weakly. "And you did really well."

"I did," Rory says and Logan grins.

"I do want to know her. Charlotte."

"I'm glad," Rory says quietly. She looks at Logan and for a moment is lost in memory. She sees herself, a girl of twenty, thinking Logan was the bravest, most daring boy she'd ever seen, and clutching his hand to jump. She wonders if she wishes she could go back and tell the girl about being a woman, but memories have to stay. It's better that they're allowed to be.

"I have something," Logan says, reaching into his bag. He lifts out a giant stuffed teddybear and Rory laughs. "It's sort of unoriginal, but..."

"No, I love it. Charlotte will, too."

"I've got some other stuff too. I'll send it over. Toys and things."

"Thanks," Rory says quietly. Logan nods and says,

"Listen, I need to go. I'm sorry it's been so quick but I have a business thing and..."

"It's okay."

"I'm glad you're okay," Logan says. "And I'm glad she's okay. You're both okay, right?"

"We're fine," Rory says. She feels a little defensive and is relieved when Logan backs out of the room. A little later Jess comes in and asks,

"Is everything okay? Is he here?"

"He's gone now, but it's okay."

"What'd he say?" Jess asks and Rory sighs.

"He wants to be part of it, but he's not going to to share the happy news."

Jess nods, squeezing her hand and Rory looks up.

"Jess, Logan's Charlotte's father, but you're her dad."

Jess smiles and Rory quickly adds,

"If you want."

"No question. I don't want it any other way."

"You're Charlotte's real dad," Rory says, handing her to him. "You've always been there. Look, Charlotte. Jess is your daddy."

"I'm very proud to be," Jess says. His voice is caught but his smile floods his face and he holds Charlotte closely. "Hey, Charlotte. I love you, I love your mom and I'll be your daddy."

The baby yawns and Jess and Rory laugh. It's strange and new and complicated but for now, Rory is content. Everything is an unfamiliar perfect.


	31. Chapter 31

**Thanks for the feedback! It was my bad about the balloons - I imagined Jess told Luke it was a girl, but there wasn't really enough time!**

Later that night Christopher visits. He knocks on the door before putting his head round and then sheepishly walks over to Rory and Charlotte, a bouquet of flowers in his hand.

"Hi, kid."

"Hi, Dad," Rory says and Christopher laughs.

"Guess I should stop calling you that. You've got your own kid now. But you're still my kid..."

His voice trails off and Rory gives him a small smile. "Lorelai said it's a girl."

"That's right," Rory says, looking down at the baby and Christopher remarks, "Gigi will be glad it's a girl. She was hoping she could shop for outfits."

Rory smiles and Christopher quickly adds, "If that's okay."

"It's nice that she's excited," Rory says. "Gigi can see her anytime."

"I'll tell her that," Christopher says. He looks at Rory but she simply says, "I've named her Charlotte."

"Charlotte?" Christopher echoes. "It's pretty."

"It's after Charlotte Brontë," Rory tells him and her father nods.

"Of course. I should have known there'd be a bookish theme. You always did love reading."

"Her middle name's Lorelai," Rory adds and Christopher smiles.

"I guessed that'd be in there."

Rory nods and they fall into an awkward silence. Charlotte's small arm stretches over the blanket and Christopher asks,

"Can I hold her?"

"Sure," Rory says after a pause. She carefully hands the baby to her father, who holds her nervously, as though she'll slip. Christopher looks down at Charlotte and says,

"She looks like you when you were born."

"She does?"

"Exact same eyes."

"They're baby eyes," Rory says automatically but Christopher shakes his head.

"They're your eyes. Lorelai's eyes."

Charlotte shifts slightly and Rory says,

"Well, they're her eyes too."

"She's beautiful," Christopher says and Rory nods silently. Seeing her father hold Charlotte is setting off a strange defensiveness, and Rory resists the urge to demand her back. Christopher smiles at her for a little longer and then, to Rory's relief, hands Charlotte back.

"Congratulations."

"Thanks."

"Are you okay?" Christopher asks carefully and Rory shrugs.

"I don't think I'll be entering any 10ks soon, but otherwise I'm fine."

"I remember when Sherry had Gigi. It looked like hard work."

"It was hard work," Rory says stonily. She can't quell this anger in her, which deepens when her father says,

"It looked hard for Lorelai too."

"You weren't there, Dad."

Christopher looks surprised but he nods and says,

"I know. Your grandmother called me when Lorelai was already in labour, and I didn't see her - or you - until you'd been born. Lorelai looked so tired but she couldn't stop smiling."

"Hey Dad," Rory says curiously, "If you'd known Mom was having me sooner, would you have gone in with her?"

"It wasn't really done back then," Christopher says with a nervous laugh yet Rory presses,

"But if you could have?"

"Probably not," her father says honestly. "I was just a kid. I wasn't sorry I didn't see it."

Rory can't fault her father for honesty but she looks away, holding Charlotte close to her chest.

"But I was so happy when you were born," Christopher says quickly. "I wanted to marry your mom right away and you - you were so pretty."

Rory can't help smiling at the choice of adjective. _Pretty_ \- _cute_ \- it all seems so small for describing his baby, Christopher and Logan, and Christopher asks,

"Has she had a lot of visitors?"

"Mom and Grandma and Luke," Rory tells him. "And Jess was with me when Charlotte was born."

"Really?" Christopher asks, surprised. "In the room?"

"Yes, in the room."

Christopher still looks surprised but Rory goes on, "Logan came too."

"He did? Have you guys figured things out?"

"I have," Rory says. "I don't know if he has."

"It'll work out," Christopher says and Rory looks him in the eye.

"What makes you so sure?"

Christopher hesitates, shrugs and then holds out a gift bag as a means of breaking the tension.

"Here. For you and the baby. You and Charlotte."

Rory places Charlotte in the crib beside her and takes the bag. Inside is a pink baby blanket, packet of baby wipes and a shiny blue rattle. Rory can't help laughing at the choice and Christopher asks,

"Do babies still like rattles?"

"I'm sure they do. I'm not so sure about their parents."

"I hope it's okay. It's not very original but I thought she'd probably like it. When she's older, of course."

"Thanks, Dad."

Rory puts the gift aside and picks Charlotte back up. Her father scratches his head and says,

"I'm happy for you."

He doesn't sound entirely convinced but Rory smiles.

"Thanks. I'm happy for me too."

"And you and Charlotte are welcome anytime."

"Maybe when she's older," Rory says bluntly and Christopher nods. He looks hurt but says,

"I understand. Well, thanks for letting me see her. Both you guys."

"No problem," Rory says quietly. They look at each other for a moment and then Charlotte starts to whimper. Rory nestles her to her breast and says, "I think she needs feeding."

"Oh - okay. I'll leave you guys to it."

"Thanks for coming," Rory says. Christopher smiles, moves as though to kiss her cheek, and then checks himself. He nods, sticks his hands in his pockets and walks out, his head bowed. Rory releases a breath when he leaves and looks down at her daughter.

"That's my dad," she tells her. "Your grandfather, kind of. It's a little awkward with us."

Charlotte yawns and closes her eyes. Instead of wanting to feed, she flutters into sleep and Rory gently lays her back in the crib until she wakes up, wanting to be fed for real. A few days later, Rory and Charlotte are allowed to go home and Lorelai drives them back to Stars Hollow as Jess works. As they pass the town square Rory sits up and yelps,

"Oh my God!"

Word must have gotten out about the baby. The gazebo is filled with pink balloons and a giant banner reads over Doose's market _Rory had a girl!_

"I can't believe this!" Rory exclaims and Lorelai smiles sadly at her.

"Lane told them. They're all so excited. Taylor gave out free icecream and soda for a day."

"Well, it's sweet I guess," Rory says doubtfully and then stares as they drive past a group of children, all with pink ribbons tied around their heads and wrists.

"Yeah," Lorelai says, sounding embarrassed. "You can figure that one out."

"Poor kid," Rory sighs, looking down at Charlotte. "Not even a week old and she's Stars Hollow's main attraction."

"Take it as a compliment. Besides, you can probably use Charlotte for all kinds of discounts."

"I'm not using my daughter for bribery, thank you very much."

"It's not bribery. It's playing the market."

"Well, that's hardly better."

"I made a great deal on being right about her being a girl."

"What?"

"What?" Lorelai repeats innoncently. "Nothing. You'll get free meals at Luke's."

"Maybe as a celebration," Rory hedges and Lorelai laughs. As they pull up to the dribe and get out of the jeep, Babette's door is thrown open and she cries,

"They're here! Morey, get on that piano!"

"Sure thing," Rory hears Morey call and then sudden music drifts from the window. It's a gentle, playful melody and Babette beams.

"It's in honour of little Charlotte Lorelai. Lane told me you'd named her. Morey spent months writing her song."

"It's beautiful," Rory says sincerely and Babette asks,

"You doing okay, honey?"

"A little sore, but I'm okay."

"Did you tear bad?"

"Um -"

"Charlotte's going to need feeding soon," Lorelai says quickly and Babette nods.

"Of course. Oh, before you go in, can I hold the little angel?"

"Well - absolutely," Rory decides, passing the baby over. Babette's eyes light up and she kisses Charlotte's head.

"Look at her. She's gorgeous. Just look at those eyes. She'll be the star of Patty's shows. Speaking of, Patty's going to so mad that I held this little cutie first!"

"I think she's a little young for shows," Rory says and Babette laughs.

"When she's older. She'll be the star!"

"Especially if she takes after her mother," Lorelai says, nudging Rory. "Then she'll really be the main event."

"Hey, I only fell on the stage once," Rory says defensively and Babette shakes her head, giving Charlotte back.

"Patty said you had talent somewhere. Well, you did good, Rory! She's the most beautiful baby I've ever seen!"

"Thanks, Babette."

"And I'm including my kittens in that, so that's a high compliment," Babette says seriously. "Morey, play me home!"

The tune changes to Frank Sinatra and Babette sighs with happiness.

"He's killing me! Well, I'll talk to you girls tomorrow."

She hurries back to her house and Lorelai pushes the door open to hers. Rory follows her in, feeling a little odd. It seems like a very long time since she started labour here but then her attention is taken by the banner hanging over the entrace. It says _Welcome Home Rory and Charlotte!_ and on the table _New Gilmore Girl_ is spelt out in Mallomars. Rory laughs happily and Lorelai says, "The message on the banner was too long for cookies. Do you like it?"

"I love it, Mom. We both do."

"Well," Lorelai says, smiling. "Welcome home!"

Rory smiles back, hugging Charlotte, and suddenly everything feels different. There's a charged energy to the air, excited and solemn all once and Rory kisses her daughter's head.

"We're home, Charlotte."

Charlotte's response is to open her eyes and cry and Rory says,

"I think she's hungry."

"Well, here's as good a place as any. We're in the kitchen, after all!"

Rory unbuttons her top and after a little fussing Charlotte settles to feed. Rory bites her lip until it's over and Lorelai asks, "Is it painful?"

"Just a little."

"It'll get better," Lorelai says comfortingly. Rory nods, burping Charlotte, and hands her to Lorelai as she does her shirt back up. Just as she finishes the door opens and Luke comes in.

"Hey!" Lorelai says, kissing his cheek. "You just missed Charlotte's lunch."

"Oh - good," Luke says. "I mean -"

"I think she's teasing you," Rory says and Luke nods.

"I think she is too. Welcome home, guys."

"Thanks, Luke."

Rory lets him give her a gentle hug before taking Charlotte into the bedroom.

"Look, sweetie," she says, walking around. "This is where Mommy grew up. I moved here when I was a kid and Mom - your grandma - told me I'd need a whole new room for my books. I told her she was a silly mommy but she was right, nearly. There's books everywhere in here, look! And there's posters everywhere because I wanted to travel and see the world. You're going to see it too. And this is where we'll sleep tonight, just like every night when I lived here. What do you think of that?"

Charlotte yawns and Rory laughs. She goes over to the bed to sit on it and then stops. Beside it is the cradle Luke was building and as she bends to examine it her stepfather comes in.

"I finished it over the last couple of days," he says shyly. "I didn't have time to do it up properly, get any bedding, but I put in an old flannel shirt over the mattress. Is that okay?"

"Oh, Luke it's perfect!"

Rory carefully kneels down, touches the wood and engraving on the headboard, and gently places Charlotte inside for a moment. She stirs, cries, and Rory picks her back up, wrapped up in the shirt.

"Her first flannel," she says and Luke smiles. "Do you want to hold her?"

"You know I do."

Rory passes the baby to him and he holds Charlotte closely.

"I'll buy you as many flannel shirts as you want," he tells her. "And you can keep this one."

"She'll want it," Rory says happily. "It's from her Grandpa Luke."

"That's right," Luke says softly, kissing Charlotte's head. "That's yours forever now."

Charlotte reaches up, brushing Luke's chin and his eyes look wet as he passes her back to Rory. "I think she's getting sleepy," he says and Rory smiles.

"Yeah. Big day, huh?"

Charlotte falls asleep in Rory's arms, comfortable in the shirt swaddling her, and Rory sits on the bed as Lorelai comes in to find them.

"You guys okay?" she asks softly and Rory nods.

"She's tired. Big day, coming back."

"Best day," Lorelai whispers and Rory nods. They're home.


	32. Chapter 32

**Thanks for the feedback!**

The first two weeks of Charlotte's life pass in a bleary haze. Rory still can't believe her daughter is here, in her arms instead of inside her, and breathes in her newborn scent. It's comforting holding Charlotte skin to skin. She cries a lot but Rory or Lorelai are soon to soothe her, rocking her in their arms. _It's okay, little girl_. Jess takes a week off work to stay with them until Rory moves back to New York, and while Rory's bed is too small for both of them he climbs in sometimes, holding Rory and Charlotte closely. For all the tiredness and soreness Rory feels, it's perfect too, and she's sorry when it's time to go home.

"You don't have to go back to New York," Lorelai says for the umpteenth time. Rory has her suitcase on the bed and is packing her clothes, wincing as she bends to pick something up. "You can stay as long as you want."

"I know Mom, but we should go. Everything's ready in New York. We'll be fine."

"I worry," Lorelai says, suddenly serious. "You're going to be alone."

"Mom, I'm not alone," Rory says, straightening up. She looks to where Lorelai is standing, Charlotte in her arms, and goes over to them. "Jess is there."

"Jess lives in Philadelphia."

"But he'll come over all the time until we figure things out."

"And in that time, you'll be on your own."

"Mom, it's okay," Rory says, looking into her eyes. "It's only in the week."

"That feels like forever with a baby."

"Well, I can do it. You did it."

"Not when you were brand new," Lorelai counters. "It was hard when we were on our own, but for the first year I lived with Grandma and Grandpa. And yes, that was rough, and yes, your grandmother did insist on calling you Susan half the time, but she was there. She and Dad were both there, and I hate to admit it, but I don't know if I could have handled it if they weren't around at all. I did most of the heavy lifting but they helped with the other stuff. I like to think you saved your worst diapers for them."

"Oh, sure," Rory grins but her mother says,

"That at least gave me time to nap a little or go out and get some air. Kept me sane."

"I'm not saying it's going to be a picnic," Rory says, "but I'll be fine. You were only sixteen, Mom."

Lorelai nods cautiously and Rory adds,

"And you're only a phonecall away. Charlotte's going to demand to see her grandmother."

"And I demand to see her," Lorelai says, kissing the top of Charlotte's head. "I wish I could stay with you but I have to work at the inn."

"It's okay, Mom. I swear. We'll be back before you know it."

"It'd better be soon," Lorelai says, narrowing her eyes and grinning. "Alright. What do you say we take Miss Charlotte for a walk before you leave?"

"Sounds good," Rory says, gently taking Charlotte. "Come on, kid. Time for a stroll."

Rory fits Charlotte into a sling and slowly walks through the town. Walking is slow anyway thanks to post labour, but also because the town stops Lorelai and Rory each moment to exclaim over Charlotte. Andrew gave out free books when he heard the news, Miss Patty is writing a new show to celebrate and Taylor's created a new dessert.

"I'm calling it the Princess Charlotte sundae," he says, beaming. "Your Charlotte is much more royal than the other one."

"Um, thanks."

"One scoop of vanilla, two scoops of chocolate chocolate chocolate and a spoonful of whipped cream with a cherry on top," Taylor says proudly. "I remembered how much you liked how extremely chocolatey my icecreams are."

"Right. Thanks."

"Kirk ate three and threw up," Taylor tells them. "Fortunately Petal was with him. Do you want Charlotte to try one?"

"Maybe in a year or so," Rory says deftly. "She's a little young for real food."

"Of course. Well, hers will be free, you can count on that. Are you bringing her back soon?"

"As soon as I can. But I think she's getting sleepy, I'd better take her home. Thanks, Taylor."

"No, thank you, Rory," Taylor says. "Isn't she as cute as a button?"

"Taylor's weird but she's certainly cute," Lorelai remarks once they've stepped back into the square. "Even if she spits up every time she opens her mouth."

"Hey, don't be so hard on the kid. She can't even sit up yet."

"That's true. I'm sure she'll get back at me when she learns how to talk."

They stop in at the diner on the way home so Rory can say goodbye. Luke hands his plates to Caeser and quickly heads over, looking sad as he hugs Rory goodbye.

"You're sure you need to leave?" he asks as Rory carefully takes Charlotte from her sling. "You can stay as long as you want."

"She's heard it," Lorelai tells him and Rory passes Charlotte to Luke, who gently wraps her in his arms. Charlotte fusses for a moment before fluttering her eyes shut and Luke looks over her sleeping head at his stepdaughter.

"We'll be fine," Rory tells him. "We've stayed long enough now, and we'll be home before you know it. And you and Mom can come as often as you like."

"We'll be kicking the door down," Lorelai jokes but Luke is sad as he nods.

"I guess. Are you sure you don't want to take the cradle with you?"

"No. It should stay with you guys. That way Charlotte has her own bed whenever she visits her grandparents."

"I'm already working on her bookcase," Luke tells Rory. "I know she's too little to read yet, but she has books already, right?"

"A whole set," Rory says softly. "I can't wait to start reading them to her."

"Well, she should have somewhere to keep them."

"Especially made by her Grandpa Luke," Rory says and Luke smiles, kissing Charlotte before handing her back.

"Bye, guys. Drive safe, okay?"

"Jess is driving us back."

"Well, tell him to drive safe then."

"You know he will."

When they get back, Jess is there and started loading things into the car. He seems tired, having travelled to Hartford and then taking the bus, but insists he's fine.

"I'm in much better shape to drive," he says, which Rory can't dispute. "You did the giving birth, take a break."

"Listen to him," Lorelai says, carrying out Rory's suitcase and Charlotte's bassinet. "Relax while you can!"

"I am," Rory protests and kisses her mother goodbye. She feels emotional as Lorelai kisses her back and says, "Thanks for everything, Mom."

"It was my pleasure," Lorelai says, sounding tearful herself. "I got my have my daughter and granddaughter here for two whole weeks. It was a gift."

"We'll be back soon," Rory promises and Lorelai nods vigorously, laughing at herself.

"Oh, I know. I insist."

Rory passes Charlotte to her and Lorelai holds her protectively, kissing her cheeks.

"Goodbye, angel. Be a good girl for your mom, okay? I'm here whenever you need me. You know that, right? I mean, you're a couple of weeks old so I'm not expecting you to, but I'm telling you anyway, little girl. I'm always here."

Charlotte waves an arm and Lorelai and Rory both laugh, wiping their eyes. Lorelai gives her an extra kiss.

"That's a girl. Save your worst diapers for me, okay? Or for Jess."

"Gee thanks," Jess says and they all chuckle as Lorelai hands Charlotte back to Rory.

"Goodbye, sweets."

"Bye, Mom."

Rory gives Charlotte to Jess, who carefully places Charlotte in her baby seat, and Lorelai gives her daughter one last hug.

"Look after yourself."

"I will."

"Starting with now, okay? Sit back, Miss Daisy."

"I promise. I'll call as soon as we're back."

"I'm holding you to that."

They kiss one last time and then Rory goes to the car, checking Charlotte and kissing her before carefully getting into the passenger seat. It feels strange not to be driving her own car and Rory looks out of the window, feeling an odd kind of sadness as they drive out of Stars Hollow. It had only been temporary but Rory misses her mother's home already, where Charlotte had spent her first week of life and Rory had stepped into being a mother. She's distracted by Jess asking if she's alright and Rory feels like herself again as she affirms. She's excited to be going back to New York, for all that, and settles into the ride.

The apartment looks the same but different as they go inside. Jess brings in the luggage and Rory walks through each room, remembering how her mother said she always expected the town to look changed after she'd been away, and it never did. The apartment looks exactly as it was but it feels altered as Rory introduces her daughter to it.

"This is where we're going to live," she whispers. "This is where Mommy lived before you were born. Cool, huh?"

Charlotte yawns and Rory laughs. She takes her into their bedroom, nursing Charlotte, and looks over at the yellow walls with the bunny picture. It suddenly seems so small.

Jess is regretful that he has to work the next day, and can't come back until Friday.

"It doesn't seem right," he says, sitting on the couch with Rory and Charlotte. "You shouldn't be on your own."

"Oh Jess, I went through this with Mom. We'll figure things out. For now, you have to head back. We're fine. We're more than fine."

"I'm glad I'm here now," Jess says, kissing her and Rory smiles. Charlotte shifts in her lap and Rory grimaces.

"Uh oh. I think she needs a change."

"Allow me." Carefully, Jess takes Charlotte from her and lays her on the dresser Rory's commandeered as a changing table. Gingerly, he unbuttons her sleepsuit and diaper and steps back, pinching his nose. "Jeez, kid!"

Rory laughs and laughs so much that it hurts and, when Charlotte is asleep beside them in her basket and Rory lies close to Jess, she still can't stop smiling. It's the perfect first night.

The next day, Rory isn't so sure. Jess had to leave early and Charlotte woke as he closed the door. She hasn't slept much since and seems aware that Jess has gone, screaming relentlessly. She screams after she's been fed, burped and sung to and refuses to sleep. Rory holds her in her arms, patting Charlotte's back, her daughter's cries drowning out a lullaby.

"Hey, sweetie," Rory says, sitting down and rocking her closely. "Shh, it's okay. Mommy's right here. We're fine."

Charlotte's response is to throw up all over Rory's chest. This process repeats itself on an endless loop and Charlotte refuses to sleep for more than two hours at a time. Jess calls every night and Rory promises she's okay, not wanting him to worry, but she can't deny feeling desperate. She feels underwater, yearning for sleep, but whenever she closes her eyes it seems to be the moment Charlotte wakes up. Rory doesn't know if she can sense they're no longer with Lorelai, but Charlotte's cried longer and louder than Rory remembers and nothing makes her stop. The pain of breastfeeding feels bearable because it stops Charlotte crying but as soon as she's finished and been burped it starts again. One night in the middle of the week Rory bursts into tears too. Her head is aching and everything hurts and Rory sobs and sobs.

"Please stop crying," she begs Charlotte. "What is it? I've fed you, I've changed you and I've sung you every lulluby I know. Are you tired? You wouldn't be tired if you slept for more than two hours. Why won't you sleep?"

Charlotte howls, screwing her face up and Rory cries along with her.

"We have to be okay," she says, rocking her. "We have to be okay."


	33. Chapter 33

**Thanks for the feedback! No, I've never had children. I write from what others have told me, and what I imagine parenthood to be.**

On Friday Rory hears the door open over her yelp, and looks up to see Jess with one eye, her other being clutched shut by the hand not holding Charlotte.

"You okay?" Jess asks, worried, and Rory cries, "Boob milk in my eye!"

"What?"

"I've got boob milk in my eye!" Rory exclaims as Charlotte cries hungrily. "She wasn't latching so I tried pressing my boob in her mouth and the milk squirted right in my eye!"

"I bet she did it on purpose," Jess teases but Rory warns, "Don't you dare laugh." Jess coughs, appropriate solemn, and Charlotte lets out a loud wail. "And she's still still hungry," Rory says miserably. "I'm afraid to try in case it hits my other eye!"

"Come on, kiddo," Jess says, kissing the top of Charlotte's head. "Don't blind your mom."

Rory groans but this time Charlotte latches and drinks contentedly. Rory lets out a long sigh and closes both eyes for a moment. The shock of the milk momentarily distracted her from exhaustion, but Rory feels it engulf her again.

"You look tired," Jess observes and Rory says, "And hello to you too."

"Not saying it as a slam."

"I know. I am tired."

Jess kisses Rory's cheek and asks,

"You guys been okay?"

"Fine," Rory says automatically. "We missed you though."

"It felt weird not being here," Jess says. "I told everyone and they asked how you were, and if anyone was getting any sleep. And then I said you were in New York."

"I bet it sounded weird."

"Maybe, but it's no big deal. I just missed you. How's Charlotte been?"

"Loud," Rory says honestly. "But she's okay."

Jess nods and Rory lifts and burps Charlotte, wiping the milk from her mouth. As she pats her back Jess remarks, "It looks like a tornado hit the place."

"Gee, thanks," Rory snaps and Jess says, "Hey, I'd be surprised if it was clean."

"I haven't had time to do anything except look after Charlotte," Rory says and, on cue, Charlotte starts crying again. "Great."

"Here," Jess says, taking her from Rory's arms. "I'm home now. Go lay down."

"What's that foreign concept?" Rory jokes and Jess smiles over Charlotte's head.

"Go on, I'm here. Hey, Charlotte. How's my best girl? What's the music for, huh? You trying out for a band? Little young but with those lungs you could audition for the Clash, or whatever punk band is new these days..."

Rory has just enough energy to wash her face and rinse her eyes before going and lying down on the bed. She vaguely considers undressing before closing her eyes and falling, finally, into a deep, sound sleep.

When Rory wakes up the apartment is unnaturally quiet. Panicking, she sits up and looks around before getting up and opening the door. Jess is reading on the couch, Charlotte curled up asleep on his lap, and he looks up, putting a finger to his lips.

"What're you doing?" Rory whispers. "Is that safe?"

"It's fine, she won't fall. You sleep well?

"What time is it?" Rory asks, unsure if she's still dreaming, and Jess shows her his watch.

"You were out for three hours."

"No way."

"I figured you needed it."

Rory nods and catches the smell of something from the kitchen.

"What's that?"

"I made lasagna."

"You did?" Rory looks around and takes in the apartment, which is miraculously clean. "How - Jess -"

"Charlotte fell asleep after I changed her. I moved her bassinet out here and she stayed asleep the whole time. as did you. Didn't risk vacuuming though."

Jess grins but Rory can only say, "She stayed asleep? And you cleaned and made dinner and she didn't wake up?"

"Not once," Jess says and then Rory is sobbing, tears pouring down her cheeks. Jess is up by her side in an instant, putting his arm around her. "Rory, what's wrong?"

"Nothing," Rory sobs and Jess says, "Tell me."

"I just - I missed you," Rory cries. "And you did all this."

"Hey, it took no time. And I've been gone all week."

"I missed you so much," Rory sobs again and Jess nods, kissing her tears away.

"I missed you too."

A shriek diverts them as Charlotte wakes from being moved to the couch and Rory starts to go to her, but Jess picks Charlotte up first.

"I've got her," he says. "You go rest some more."

"I'm awake now," Rory says. "But maybe I'll take a shower."

Jess nods over Charlotte's cries and Rory goes to the bathroom. As she turns on the water and steps in Rory is suddenly aware that Charlotte isn't crying anymore. It's a good thing, she tells herself, but she can't stop the stream of tears mingling with the water. Charlotte is quiet for most of the weekend, but just as Rory dares hope that maybe she's starting to settle, her daughter proves the opposite on Monday. With Jess gone she howls and howls at the top of her lungs. In desperation Rory decides to take her for a walk, but the moment she stops moving Charlotte cries again. Nothing works, nothing soothes her, but when Jess calls Rory promises they're okay. They have to be. _It's just this week_ Rory murmurs to herself as Charlotte projectile vomits over her shoulder. Just a few more days until Jess gets home and she can take a break. Rory can do this, and who knows? Maybe Charlotte will stop crying tomorrow.

Charlotte doesn't, and on Friday night Jess calls. Rory snatches the phone and answers desperately, "Hey, it's me."

"Hey," Jess says. "You guys okay? I can hear Charlotte crying."

"She's just tired. And missing you, I bet. Are you on your way?"

There's a terrible pause before Jess says, "Rory..."

"What?" Rory asks, fighting the sinking feeling in her chest. "You're still coming, right? Please tell me you're coming this weekend."

"I can't," Jess says, sealing the doom. "I'm sorry, I wish I could, but an author's visiting Truncheon and -"

"An author?" Rory exclaims. "With no notice?"

"Well, we had notice for last week but she was sick. She's better and it's been moved to this week."

"And you didn't tell me?"

"Rory, come on. I didn't know. It wasn't definite, and I have to be here. You know I'd rather be with you."

"Yeah," Rory says wearily. "I know."

"I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault."

"Yeah, but I'm still sorry. I'll be there next week."

Next week feels as distant as next century but Rory manages to say, "Sounds great."

"I'll call tomorrow, I promise. Kiss Charlotte for me."

"I will. Bye."

"Love you, Rory."

"Love you too," Rory says, squeezing some tears from her eyes. "Bye, Jess."

Her tears start falling in earnest as Rory puts the phone down and Charlotte cries even louder. Rory goes over to the bassinet and trips over a pile of books by the couch, including _The Mother's Postpartum Guide to Sex_. Rory laughs and cries at the same time. She can't imagine ever being in the mood for sex again, even when she's recovered from delivery. As she lifts her daughter up Rory imagines Jess and the author, a young beautiful intelligent woman impressing him with her writing. That was her once, Rory thinks. She used to be pretty and smart and now she's wearing clothes with sick and pee and other bodily fluids soaked in, bags under her eyes and her head hurts so much Rory can barely put a sentence together. What was that other life? She's brought back by another loud scream and all Rory can think is how she isn't any good as this one. She's the worst mother ever. She can't stop her own daughter crying and in this moment she doesn't like her very much.

"You have to stop crying," Rory pleads. "Your dad can't come home this weekend. Sweetie, please stop crying. I'm here."

Charlotte cries indignantly and Rory cries along with her. What's the use in pretending?

One day that week there's a loud knock at the door. Rory ignores it, too tired to be polite to neighbours, but there's another knock and a call of, "Rory?"

"Mom?"

In disbelief Rory staggers up and goes over, Charlotte in her arms. Tentatively she opens the door and Lorelai beams.

"Surprise!"

"What are you doing here?" Rory asks as Lorelai takes Charlotte and her mother steps in, saying,

"I missed my favourite girls. Thought it was time for an impromptu visit."

Rory can only smile and Lorelai jiggles Charlotte up and down, who's howling.

"Hey, you're not crying because of me, are you? I haven't even tried to dress you up yet!"

"She won't stop crying at all," Rory says, her voice thick with exhaustion. Lorelai frowns and looks around the apartment, taking in the scattered clothes, blankets and half-eaten plates of food.

"Is everything okay?"

Rory opens her mouth to say it is but her words turn to a sob. Lorelai looks at her and kisses her cheek.

"Oh, angel. That was a stupid question."

"I'm so tired," Rory tells her, not bothering to wipe her tears away. "I can't remember the last time I showered or brushed my hair or did anything at all. Charlotte won't stop crying, and I've tried everything, and I'm so tired, Mom. I'm so tired."

"Go and sleep," Lorelai says simply. "I'll take care of Charlotte."

"But -"

"Go and sleep," her mother orders again. "Let me look after her, Rory. You need a break."

Rory tries to thank her but she simply sniffles. Lorelai hugs her, kissing her cheek.

"I know, sweets. I know."

After a long, long sleep and almost as long a shower, Rory goes into the living room to find Lorelai with Charlotte in her arms. The room has been tidied, the television is on very low and Lorelai is whispering to Charlotte,

"That's Dorothy on her way to meet the wizard. Look - in a moment she's going to say _lions and tigers and bears, oh my!_ I happen to think it's a phrase you can use anywhere, and I'm going to teach you to say it when you're older. Remember, Charlotte? Lions and tigers and bears!"

"Oh my!" Rory says, completing it, and Lorelai looks up and laughs.

"Exactly. Did you have a good nap?"

"The best. Has she been okay?"

"She had a pretty good nap herself," Lorelai says. "I found a takeout menu. I ordered pizza - it should be here half an hour, tops. Sound good?" Rory nods but then she feels the tears coming again. She sits down beside her mother and daughter, trying to blink them back, and Lorelai looks at her.

"Hey, what is it?"

"Nothing," Rory says weakly and Lorelai insists,

"Talk to me."

"I can't stop her crying," Rory says finally. "You can stop her crying and Jess can stop her crying, and you can clean the apartment and get a whole dinner and Charlotte's fine, but I can't do anything because she won't stop crying for me. I'm her mother, I should be able to do that."

"Hey," Lorelai says but Rory goes on,

"She's my daughter. She's my baby, but she won't stop for me. I'm not enough for her."

"Rory, that is not true."

"Then why is she crying all the time?" Rory demands, her voice shaking. "The only time she isn't crying is when she's feeding - when I'm not getting boob milk in my eye. I'm such a mess."

"We'll get back to that milk thing in a minute," Lorelai says, "But listen. You aren't a mess. You're a new mom."

"Other moms can stop their babies crying," Rory says furiously. "Other moms love their babies all the time."

"Debatable."

"Well, it's not debatable that she stops crying for you and Jess but not for me."

"You're stressed," Lorelai says, putting a hand on her knee. "She can tell."

"So what am I supposed to do?" Rory cries. "I know I'm stressed. I can't turn it off. I'm trying everything, Mom. Isn't she tired? She must be tired, but she won't sleep and then she cries more. When she's not throwing up on me."

"The joys of motherhood."

"I don't like being a mother," Rory says and starts crying again. "I love her. You know how much I love her. But I feel like I can't do it."

"Oh, Rory. You're just learning."

"How?" Rory exclaims. "I should just know. Other moms know. Other moms don't have horrible thoughts, like how if my pill had worked I wouldn't have gotten pregnant. And - and -"

Rory starts crying again and Lorelai holds her tightly.

"I love her," Rory sobs. "I love her more than anything."

"I know you do. You're just tired and overwhelmed and it's too much right now."

"I'm a bad mother," Rory says, sobbing into Lorelai's shoulder. "I can't make her happy."

"You are a not a bad mother," Lorelai says seriously, lifting Rory's head up. "Look at me, listen to me. You love Charlotte and you're taking care of her. It's hard being a new mom."

"She can tell I don't know what I'm doing. That's why she's fine with you and Jess. She doesn't want me around."

"Rory. You know that's not true. She's a baby. She can tell you're unhappy, so she's unhappy."

"But I don't want to be unhappy. I don't want to make her unhappy."

"She's going to settle down," Lorelai promises. "It's all so new, for both you guys."

"Jess was supposed to come this weekend," Rory says, her voice wobbling dangerously. "And then he couldn't. And I was relying so much on him coming."

Lorelai nods and Rory says desperately,

"What if she never stops crying for me? I have to be enough for her. If she won't stop crying with me, how are we going to get through this? I need to know I can do this."

"You can do it," Lorelai says gently. "It's just hard right now. Oh, sweets. It's okay."

Rory is crying again but she doesn't tell her mother how inadequate she feels next to the other author, how she feels like she lost something. Her mother lost something when she was sixteen. What right does Rory have to this?

"All moms feel like this sometimes," Lorelai says. "And no one admits it, but all mothers dislike their kids sometimes too. We love you but we don't always like you."

"Is that why you left me in a bucket?" Rory jokes and Lorelai says,

"Hey, I was just putting you down for a second. I had to use both hands to make myself look cute for the stock boy. I looked real cute when I remembered I'd forgotten to pick you up again and screamed."

Rory smiles and Lorelai goes on, "You cried so much that first month I couldn't remember what silence sounded like. When we moved to the potting shed, I questioned my sanity more than a few times. It was horrible living with the grandparents but at least that gave me some time to myself. No time in that shed - not even a spare room! But I figured it out. You will too."

Charlotte lets out a sudden cry and, as the cries increase, Lorelai walks her around the room.

"That's some voice you've got there, kid. Getting in some practice for dinner with Emily? You're going to demand your say."

Charlotte roars a few more times and then slowly settles and Rory says achingly,

"You see? She stops crying as soon as you make a joke. I've joked with her and sang to her and cried too and Charlotte never stops. But you just have to smile at her."

"It's because she's excited to see her grandmother," Lorelai says, nestling Charlotte to her, and Rory says miserably, "I suck."

Lorelai sits down beside her and looks Rory in the eye.

"You don't suck," she says slowly. "And you're not a bad mother. But it's a hard time right now, isn't it?"

"Yeah," Rory says, looking at her hands. "I'd say so."

"Well, maybe you should come home with me."

"What?" Rory asks, looking up, and Lorelai says,

"Just until Charlotte settles more."

"I can't do that, Mom."

"Why not?"

"Because I have to do this on my own."

"Rory, there's a difference between being independent and not letting yourself take help. I'm your mom. Let me help you."

"It's not that I don't appreciate it," Rory says. "You know I do. But if I go back, I'll stay there. I know I will."

"No you don't."

"Yes I do. And I want to at least try."

"But you aren't coping. Not right now, at least."

"Mom, it's not that I don't want help. Or that I'm being proud, it's just - you went to the potting shed."

"What?"

"You didn't have space or help, but you did it."

"So living with me would be like living with Emily?" Lorelai asks. She's joking but sounds hurt and Rory quickly says, "No, it's not that. It's that I have to try and work this out. I don't want to feel like I can only do it with you or Jess there. I want to at least give this a shot."

Lorelai is quiet. Rory waits but as her mother doesn't speak she asks anxiously, "Mom?"

"I understand," Lorelai says eventually. "But you have to look after yourself, Rory. A rested mommy is a happy mommy, and right now you're exhausted and Charlotte can tell. And I want you to be independent and I know you can figure this out, but you don't have to it all right now. You've just become a mom. You're all grown up but I'm still your mom, and I want you to look after yourself. It's got nothing to do with being strong or weak."

Rory nods. This time she goes quiet and Lorelai looks into her eyes.

"How about this?" she says carefully. "You come back with me and finish the week. Then you come back to see Jess on Saturday and see how it goes from there."

"Okay," Rory says. She's regretful yet a huge weight feels lifted from her shoulders and Lorelai sighs, kissing her cheeks.

"Good."

"Maybe I can wash the breastmilk from my clothes. And my eyes."

"Oh, that's nothing. I was nursing you once, or trying to, and then you pushed at me. A huge shot of milk hit the wall by the piano and then another went in my hair."

"Really?" Rory giggles and Lorelai laughs.

"Mom couldn't work out what the stain was. I feel like there's some kind of joke there."

"Lovely."

"I didn't always like you then," Lorelai admits. "When you napped I'd cry."

"I wish we told each other this stuff more," Rory says, feeling tearful again and Lorelai sighs.

"I guess no one likes to look back on that time. It's not what goes in the picture albums."

Mother and daughter are both silent and Lorelai looks down at her granddaughter.

"Hey, Charlotte's gone to sleep."

"Right in the middle of _The Wizard of Oz_ ," Rory jokes. "No taste."

"Hold her," Lorelai says. Her voice is gentle but insistent, and Rory hesitantly takes her daughter, readying herself for screams. Charlotte opens her eyes, looks at her mother and then silently closes them. Letting out a breath, she falls back asleep against Rory's chest.

"She's still sleeping," Rory whispers and Lorelai smiles, squeezing her hand. "She's just fine."


	34. Chapter 34

**Thanks for the feedback!**

On Wednesday Rory sits at her desk and opens her email. Charlotte is sleeping in the cradle behind her but wakes as Rory lets out a gasp of surprise. Her shock is momentarily distracted as her daughter starts crying and Lorelai comes in to find Rory rocking Charlotte, an anxious look on her face.

"What's going on?" Lorelai asks and her eyes widen as Rory tells her, "Logan wants to see me"

"When?"

"On Friday. He's here on business."

"Wow," Lorelai says as Rory gets Charlotte out from the cradle, trying to sooth her. "Are you going to go?"

"I have to. He wants to see Charlotte."

The girl in question howls into Rory's shoulder and Lorelai takes her, cuddling her tightly.

"Did he say anything else?" Lorelai asks over her granddaughter's wails and Rory bites her lip, shaking her head.

"Not really. He just said he's around for a few days and wants to see Charlotte, if it's okay. That we could go for coffee."

"How do you feel?" Lorelai asks, kissing Charlotte's cheek as her cries die down and Rory sighs, shrugging.

"A little weird. I haven't thought about Logan in a while. I should be glad he wants to see her, right?"

"How you should feel and do feel don't always add up," Lorelai says shrewdly. "You don't have to feel happy about seeing him."

"Yeah. But I should be happy for Charlotte."

Rory and Lorelai look down at the baby, who's settled into Lorelai's arms. She lets out a gurgle, stretching an arm out to Rory, and a small whimper.

"I think she's hungry," Rory says, unbuttoning her shirt and taking Charlotte back. "Come here, sweetie."

"I'll make some coffee," Lorelai says, leaving them alone, and Rory sits back against the pillows on her bed. As her daughter feeds Rory's mind wanders to seeing Logan. She tries to envisage their meeting, mother, father and baby in a coffee shop somewhere and it seems as impossible as when Rory first discovered she was pregnant. She looks down at Charlotte until she finishes before burping her and holding her closely, breathing in her baby scent. Sometimes Rory can't make sense that she and Logan made her. Charlotte drifts back into sleep and Rory gently lays her back in the cradle, tucking the quilt over her. Lorelai made it secretly, surprising Rory with it when she and Charlotte came back with her. It has letters of the alphabet all over it and, amongst the soft material, are some of Rory's old baby clothes.

"From what I had left over," Lorelai told her. "I'll make one from Charlotte's someday."

That day feels very far away. Right now, it seems impossible to Rory that her daughter will ever stop being a tiny, brand new baby, too little to do anything but cry, for all that Luke exclaimed that she was bigger. Charlotte's almost four weeks old, which seems a miracle in itself, but her babyhood feels that it'll stretch out forever. Rory softly kisses Charlotte's head before carefully straightening up and tiptoeing out, holding her breath in case she wakes. Going into the kitchen, Rory sees Lorelai sitting with two cups at the table, flicking through the magazine. Her mother hands a cup to Rory as she sits down and asks, "Is Charlotte okay?"

"She's fine. Sleeping."

"Just what I like to do after eating," Lorelai jokes. "Are you okay?"

"Mom, I said I'm fine."

"I don't just mean about Logan. Are you doing okay?"

Rory looks down at the dark liquid in her cup. She already feels better rested than in New York, but is almost embarrassed as she says, "I'm alright."

"Is it weird being here?" Lorelai asks and Rory shakes her head.

"It's not that, it's just...I guess I feel weird about everything."

"Weird in what way?" Lorelai asks, taking a sip of coffee, and Rory is silent for a moment before saying, "Everything's crazy right now."

"You just had a baby," Lorelai says gently. "Things are meant to be a little crazy."

"Yeah," Rory says quietly. "I guess."

"Where are you meeting Logan?"

"I'll ask him to come to Hartford. It's easier meeting him there."

Lorelai pats her hand and Rory smiles, finishing her drink. She goes back to the laptop, telling Logan where to meet, and he replies that it's fine. The plan is set. Charlotte wakes up later and Rory picks her up before she cries, taking comfort in cuddling her. Her daughter is crying less in Stars Hollow and Rory is so relieved that it stops the unfair shame. That night Jess calls and Rory tells him about seeing Logan. There's a sudden silence and Rory goes on, "He just messaged me out of the blue."

"It's too short notice."

"I know, but it's not for me, it's for Charlotte. I'll try and figure out more of a plan when I see him."

"You're right," Jess says, sounding less annoyed. "Are you guys doing okay?"

"We're fine. Charlotte's enjoying being here, I think. She's not crying as much."

"You didn't tell me how rough it's been."

"I didn't want you to worry," Rory says. She closes her eyes, wishing she could see Jess's face, and adds, "I'm sorry."

"No, don't be sorry," Jess says, his voice taut with something. "I just mean - I want you to tell me stuff."

"I want to tell you stuff too. It's all been kind of blur."

"Well, you can tell me all about it on Saturday."

"Is Luke happy you're coming down?"

"He grunted but it sounded good, Luke style," Jess says and Rory laughs. "Wonder if I can drag him away from that diner."

"I wouldn't bet a lot of money on it."

"Me neither. Well, it'll be good to see him anyway. And you."

"Yeah," Rory says, feeling a tug of sadness. "I miss you."

"I miss you guys too. Talk to you tomorrow?"

"Definitely. Love you."

"Love you too. Give Charlotte a kiss."

"I will. Bye."

Rory hangs up and bends to kiss Charlotte. She moves slightly but stays asleep, and Rory stays down by her side a little longer before slowly getting up, and getting ready for bed and fractured sleep.

On Friday morning Rory takes longer getting ready, brushing her hair more thoroughly and putting on a dress instead of her shirt and leggings. She lifts Charlotte up and groans so loudly it brings in Lorelai to see.

"She's pooped right through her sleepsuit!" Rory exclaimed. "I only changed her a little while ago too! Oh Mom, it's all over her!"

"Maybe Charlotte's expressing her opinion of her father," Lorelai says, making Rory laugh. "Well, come on. She needs a bath."

Holding Charlotte at a safe distance, Rory follows her mother to the bathroom where Lorelai fills up the baby bath. Testing the water with her elbow, Lorelai deftly takes her granddaughter, peeling off her clothing and carefeully sitting her in the tub. The look of surprise on Charlotte's face makes Lorelai and Rory laugh out loud, and she grizzles a little before settling in the water.

"She takes after you," Lorelai says, pouring some water over Charlotte's back. "I couldn't get you step on wet grass until you were two."

"Yeah, because it was cold and gross. I always liked baths."

"No, you were always pretty uneasy with water. I don't think you liked them until you experienced bubblebath, and honestly, that's what makes a bath best, right?"

Lorelai pulls a face at Charlotte who splashes with a tiny hand. Rory helps wash her until Charlotte is clean all over and, fastening a fresh diaper and small dress on her, they go out to the car and place her in the carseat.

"I think you're all set," Lorelai says and Rory nods. Putting her hands on Rory's shoulders, Lorelai says, "Any time you need me, send up a flare."

"I'll be fine," Rory says bravely. "I'll be back in a couple of hours. I'd better hit the road. I don't want to be late and prolong things."

"Well, I get that," Lorelai says sympathetically. "I'll see you guys later."

Waving, Lorelai waits until Rory and Charlotte are at the end of the street, and Rory swallows, concentrating on the road ahead. They're in plenty of time and Rory parks the car at the cemetary, taking Charlotte out and walking with her over to Richard's grave.

"Hey, Grandpa," Rory says, kneeling down. "It's me. It's me and Charlotte."

The sunlight flickers on the stone and Rory swallows, reaching to touch it. The letters are hot on her hand.

"She's here," Rory tells him. "I couldn't name her after you, but you're in her anyway. I've named her Charlotte Lorelai, so the family name's there, but it's her name too. It's after Charlotte Brontë. I'm sure Charlotte's going to be smart as you, and I bet you'd already demand that she go to Yale someday. But I'm going to let Charlotte decide, when she's older. I can't imagine her ever getting older. It seems crazy that she'll stop being a baby, but then it felt crazy that she was going to become one, when I was pregnant. Anyway. I'm rambling now. Isn't she beautiful?"

Rory kisses Charlotte's cheek and says, "I wish you could have met her. I feel sad that she can't meet you, but I'm going to make sure she knows you. I'll tell her all about you and show your photos, so you don't feel like a stranger to her. I was always glad I got to know you, Grandpa, and it should be the same for Charlotte."

Rory reaches to her side, picking up the flowers she bought on the way, and arranges them at the stone.

"There. Your flowers are all fresh. Grandma will like that. I'll tell her I came."

Carefully, Rory gets to her feet, and touches the stone in farewell.

"We have to go, but I'll be back soon. I'll bring Charlotte too. See you, Grandpa."

Charlotte gurgles a little and Rory chuckles, swallowing the lump in her throat.

"That's Charlotte's way of saying goodbye."

There's something poignant in going to see Richard on a Friday. Rory wipes her eyes but the sadness ekes away as she gets back in the car. It's replaced by nerves, another familiar Friday feeling, Rory reflects, as she turns on the engine. They arrive a little early, to Rory's relief, and she has time to settle Charlotte and order a coffee before Logan comes in. He looks around for a moment before seeing Rory and smiles at her, going over. He's wearing a work shirt and pants, the collar loosened, and has a box tucked under his arm, which he puts on the chair before he says, "Hi."

"Hi," Rory says shortly. Her coffee is brought over and Logan orders an iced tea before sitting opposite her. There's an awkward silence before Logan eventually says,

"It's good to see you."

"It's good you wanted to see Charlotte," Rory says, looking at Charlotte. "Do you want to hold her?"

Logan nods and goes to take Charlotte, holding her uncertainly. His arms are frozen and Rory remarks, "She's not going to bite. Well, she doesn't have any teeth. But you can relax, is what I mean."

"She doesn't seem real to me," Logan says, wiping Rory's humour away. "That she's here."

"She's felt very real to me," Rory says coldly. "Especially seeing how much she cries."

Logan looks down at Charlotte, awkwardly jiggling her, and she lets out a whimper. Rory sits up but Charlotte settles and Rory breathes slowly, forcing herself to relax. Logan seems uneasy but he carries on holding her, only looking up when Rory says,

"She'll be four weeks old on Saturday."

"Already?"

"Yeah. Crazy, right?"

"Crazy," Logan echoes. He lapses into silence and Rory asks,

"So what's the plan here?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you suddenly wanted to see her. We said we'd do this properly, remember? That we'd arrange visits."

"I thought when I'm here on business -"

"Just when you're on business?" Rory exclaims. "That's only when you want to see her?"

"I'm here on business a lot!"

"So what if that stops? Would you still come over to see her or is she not worth the trip?"

Rory's anger spills into her voice and Logan's is sharp as he retorts, "I didn't say that."

"You said you'd see her when you're here on business! Not actual dates I can write on the calendar! How am I supposed to arrange that, Logan? Set aside random times when you're in the country?"

"I thought it made things easier," Logan says. His own voice is angry now and Charlotte interrupts them, letting out a loud wail.

"You made her cry," Rory says and Logan snaps, "I didn't start this."

Charlotte howls over both of them and Rory holds her arms out. Silently, Logan passes her back and Rory rubs Charlotte's back, walking around until she calms into silence. Rory is still angry as she sits down and Logan says, "I didn't come here to fight."

"I didn't either, but I thought - Logan, don't you want more? Don't you want to see her properly, instead of a few hours when you fly out?"

Logan is quiet and Rory goes on, "And you haven't asked about her or kissed her or said anything about her at all. Don't you love her?"

"Of course I love her," Logan says. "I just don't know her yet."

"You made her," Rory says. They look at each other across the table for a moment and then Logan picks up the box he had under his arm when he came in.

"Here. I bought her something."

Carefully, Rory opens the box and lifts out a tiny dress. It's gold in an intricate pattern over a cream skirt and Logan says, "I bought it in Paris. Thought she'd like it."

"It's beautiful," Rory says but laughs when Logan says, "Maybe she can wear it at Christmas."

"At Christmas? Logan, it's for babies up to three months. She'll have outgrown it by then."

"Thanksgiving then," Logan says and Rory shakes her head.

"It'll be too small."

"Then just put it on her whenever," Logan snaps. "Do you know how much it cost?"

"And do you know how much Charlotte's not going to care?" Rory asks. "She's a baby. It's beautiful but she'll still throw up on it, or poop through it."

"It doesn't matter," Logan says angrily. "It's still hers."

"It's nice of you," Rory says, feeling a little bad. "I didn't mean to - it's a gorgeous dress."

"Odette thought so. She asked who it was for, when she saw it in the apartment. I had to pretend someone here had had a baby. Which isn't really a lie, right?"

Rory's anger starts to flood back and she holds Charlotte protectively.

"She's not a lie," Rory tells him. "And she's more than real."

Logan nods, looking Rory in the eye and then chuckles slightly, looking around him.

"You know, back when we'd go out in Hartford, I never pictured us here."

"Well, we couldn't exactly take Charlotte to the Rich Man's Shoe," Rory jokes but she already knows Logan's point before he says,

"No, I mean us here. You, me and a baby."

"I know," Rory says quietly and Logan asks,

"Have you been okay?"

"I don't remember what sleeping feels like but I'm fine."

"You look good."

"Well, behold the healing powers of a shower."

"Are you still in New York?"

"Yeah. I'm actually staying with Mom this week, but we've been in the apartment."

"And that Jess guy is still there?" Logan asks and Rory says, "Of course he is. He's always there for her. For us. He's really been her dad."

Logan nods and then lets out a long sigh. He sounds more conflicted than hurt as he remarks,

"This is going to be hard, isn't it?"

"Did you ever think it would be easy?"

"No. I just - when you told me you were pregnant, it still didn't feel totally real. And now she's here, and I have to figure it out."

"I can't ever forget she's here," Rory says. "Even if I wanted to - I can't go home to another life."

They look at each other and Charlotte starts crying again.

"I didn't mean to make her -" Logan starts but Rory shakes her head, unbuttoning her dress.

"She's hungry. It's fine."

Logan looks away until Rory's done and, after Charlotte's winded, says,

"When I said I could see her when I'm on business, I'd still want to see her if I weren't."

"I'm glad," Rory says over Charlotte's shoulder. "But you have to be real about this, Logan. It's not enough to say you'll just see her when you're in the states. We need a definite plan."

"Can I send you some dates later?" Logan asks and Rory nods. "Good."

Rory finishes her coffee, which has started to go cold, and Logan sips his tea. Seeing him is bittersweet, and Rory is relieved when Logan nods as she says, "I think we should go soon. Charlotte's getting tired."

"I should go too."

They get up. Rory places Charlotte back in her sling, putting the expensive dress back in the box, and asks, "Do you want to say goodbye to her?"

Logan hesitates, nods and Rory takes Charlotte out. She fusses at being moved from the sling but settles before Rory hands her to Logan, who takes her gingerly.

"Bye, Charlotte," he says awkwardly. "I'll see you soon, okay?"

He kisses the top of her head, gently bopping her up and down.

"Logan, slow down, she'll -"

"God!"

It's too late. Charlotte is milkily sick all over Logan's front and Rory tries not to laugh as Logan exclaims,

"Look, she's peed on me too! And is that what I think that is? I have to go back to the office and explain why there's poop on my sleeve."

"Well, you've got puke to distract them," Rory says, unable to suppress a giggle. Logan groans but says resignedly, "Guess it comes with the territory, right?"

"Like you wouldn't believe. I'd better change her."

"And I've really got to go. Now I need to make a pit stop at the hotel to shower."

"See you," Rory says. Logan nods, tells her he'll send the dates again, and rushes back out. Rory takes Charlotte to the bathroom, slipping on a fresh diaper and kisses her as she picks her back up.

"Good girl," she says, letting herself laugh. "You make me proud, kid."


	35. Chapter 35

**Thanks for the feedback!**

It's still early when Rory gets back and Luke and Lorelai are at work. Feeling a little at a loss, Rory puts Charlotte down for a nap and sits to watch TV, flicking mindlessly between stations. There's nothing on but Rory is half-concentrating anyway, and she jumps when her phone lets off the sound of the text. It's from Lorelai, asking how things went, and Rory simply writes _fine_. Seconds later she receives a reply reading _give me more than that, kid!_ and Rory smiles, shaking her head and promising to talk properly about it later. Rory settles on an old Lifetime movie but she barely watches it, going in and out of the room to get snacks and checking anxiously on Charlotte. Her daughter frets slightly but stays asleep, letting out a long breath, and Rory follows suit. Charlotte is certainly calmer here, as is Rory herself, but she's tense as she watches Charlotte sleep, one baby arm stretching over her quilt. Eventually Rory kisses her hand and gently touches her daughter's before tiptoeing away and it's almost a relief, an hour later, when Charlotte wakes up and starts to bawl.

Lorelai gets home around six and almost runs to the couch.

"How was it?" she asks breathlessly. "I've been dying to hear ever since I got to work and Michel was so impatient - I had to redo the numbers three times because I couldn't focus at all!"

"It was fine."

"Dude," Lorelai says impatiently. "That's what you said in your text, and you promised me details when I got back. Well, I'm back and I want to hear all of it!"

Rory opens her mouth and then shakes her head, suddenly tired.

"Pizza."

"Huh?"

"I'll tell you everything but I need pizza first. Sustenance."

"I'll call Joe, tell him it's an emergency," Lorelai says, and as she dials Charlotte starts crying again. When Rory's finished dealing with an especially foul diaper the pizza is on its way, and after Lorelai has fussed over Charlotte and let her go back to sleep, Joe rings the bell with it. Lorelai gives him an extra large tip and carries the pizza to the table where she and Rory sit, taking a slice each. Lorelai lets Rory finish before asking, "So...?"

"It was awkward," Rory says honestly, wiping her mouth with a napkin. "He came, he held her and we had a lovely argument in the middle of the coffeeshop."

"What did you fight about?"

"Him being a crappy father," Rory says. Lorelai sighs and nods and Rory goes on, "He says he wants to see her when he's here on business. Like that's good enough. And he didn't ask about Charlotte at all. It's the first time he's seen his daughter since she was born and it was like he was making a work arrangement."

"But honey, it is custody stuff."

"I know," Rory says impatiently. "But that's my point. I'm talking about him seeing his daughter and he just says when he's here on business. How vague is that? And if something happened and he didn't work here anymore, would he still come over? Or is it too much hassle?"

"I'm sure it's not that," Lorelai says gently and Rory nods, chewing angrily on a crust.

"That's his problem. He expects everything to fall into place because other people pick up the slack. How am I supposed to slot work dates into my calendar? And forget about me, what about Charlotte? She deserves more than that."

"What did Logan say?"

"He just said he's here on business a lot. And then I yelled at him and he said he'd give me something more concrete."

"Well, that's good," Lorelai says doubtfully and Rory smiles ironically.

"Yeah, it's great. God, I was so mad at him. It almost made me want to say he can't see her, but it wouldn't be right. I want him to see her - I want him to want to - but it was sort of like he didn't. He didn't act like he was seeing his kid. He said he doesn't know her."

Lorelai bites her lip before saying slowly, "I'm sure he does love her. He just hasn't been with her like you have."

"She's his other life," Rory says bitterly. "She's his secret. Logan bought Charlotte a baby dress and when Odette found it he told her someone he knew had had a baby. That's it - I'm someone he knew."

"Oh, angel."

"I said he didn't have to tell her," Rory says, furiously trying to swallow the lump in her throat. "I agreed we could keep things separate. It's just - just -"

"I know."

"How can he be ashamed of her?" Rory demands, her voice shaking. "She's his baby."

"Genetically anyway."

"I know - and it's not like I was expecting Logan to say he was getting divorced and moving over, wanting to try something new. I don't want him to either. I just want him to care about her. Charlotte's his daughter. Even if he's not involved, shouldn't he want to know about her? How she is, how much she weighs, if she's happy? He hardly looked at her. He held her, but he acted like she was going to explode or something."

Rory can't help smiling, in spite or herself, and Lorelai asks, "What?"

"I guess she sort of exploded. Puke, pee and poop all over his suit."

"Nice," Lorelai says and then neither of them can stop laughing. They laugh so hard Rory wipes tears from her eyes and Lorelai says, "He deserved it. He's a jerk."

Rory looks up and is suddenly reminded of seeing Straub and Francine, her other grandparents, and hearing all the horrible things Straub said to her mother because she was born. Rory had retreated to the kitchen where Emily found her and, after making her granddaughter dinner, her grandmother had finally given up on pretending to make Straub sound good and said plainly, _he's a big ass._ Rory smiles but it's sad and Lorelai looks at her curiously.

"I don't think Logan gets it," Rory says to her silent question. "I think he thinks that by showing up every few months and buying Charlotte expensive gifts, that it's good enough. Better than not being there at all. And we're so separate to him that he doesn't want to do more."

Lorelai nods understandingly and Rory says, "I just want more for Charlotte. I want Logan to care."

"Give him time," Lorelai says after a pause. "This is new for both of you. Charlotte's just a few weeks old. He'll get to know her, when he does come, and then maybe he will want more. Maybe he'll think of her as more than another life."

"Maybe," Rory says doubtfully. "I just don't want Charlotte to blame herself. Even if it's just a little, and she knows she shouldn't - I don't want her to feel that way. And I'm scared I can't stop it."

Lorelai nods silently and the moment is uncomfortable. Lorelai hesitates, as though she's going to voice Rory's thoughts on Christopher, but instead she reaches for more pizza. Rory, not feeling brave enough to speak them herself, gets up and goes to the bedroom where she returns with the dress Logan bought.

"Check it out," she says, wiping her hands before opening the box and lifting up the dress. "Logan got this for Charlotte."

"Wow. Fancy."

"He said she could wear it at Christmas. Like she won't have grown at all in that time."

Lorelai laughs with her and Rory continues, "I don't even know when Charlotte can wear it."

"Well, she's four weeks old tomorrow. Put it on her then."

"But it's so expensive, Mom. She'll wreck it."

"She'll wreck it whenever you put it on her," Lorelai says matter-of-factly. "I don't even know why you'd make this for a baby. If you wait for another special occasion she'll be too big for it anyway and then it's even more of a waste. She may as well wear it while it fits."

"Yeah, I guess," Rory says and Lorelai smiles.

"Tomorrow's going to be better, sweets. Charlotte will have all her family here and Jess is coming back too. You must be excited to see him, right?"

"I am," Rory says but her voice is quiet and Lorelai asks, "You don't want to see him?"

"No, I do. I really do. I just feel embarrassed."

"Why?"

"I didn't tell him about how rough it's been."

"How come?"

"I didn't want him to worry," Rory says. "And I wanted to feel like I could do it."

"Fancied yourself Wonderwoman?" Lorelai asks and Rory nods, looking down. "I know that feeling. But Rory, you've got to give yourself a break. Having a newborn baby is tough for anyone, including people who are married and can share it more. Your whole life has changed. You don't have to be able to do it all right away. It's hard for both of you - you and Charlotte. She's confused too. She's brand new to everything."

"It just feels like you and Jess know what to do more," Rory says, feeling her voice wobble. "And when Jess said he couldn't come last weekend it felt like I was going to implode."

"Why couldn't he come again?"

"Work stuff. An author had a thing at Truncheon. She cancelled before and arranged it for then."

Lorelai eats more pizza and Rory says sourly, "I bet Jess had a great time. I'm sure it was more interesting than hearing me talk about baby puke. I'm sure she looked better too."

"You sound jealous," Lorelai says frankly and Rory wrinkles her nose.

"I'm not jealous. Not like that - I don't think Jess is attracted to her or anything."

"But you're jealous," Lorelai presses and Rory sighs.

"I guess I just miss having that. Feeling smart and intelligent and being a writer."

"Rory, you're still all those things," Lorelai says, placing a hand on Rory's. "Having a baby doesn't take that away."

"I know. And I know someday I can dress up and talk about my work and feel that way, but it all feels so impossible. I'm jealous of the author for that. I just feel tired and gross and I wouldn't trade Charlotte for anything, but I wish - I wish sometimes I could go back to that life."

Lorelai looks at her sympathetically and Rory admits,

"I wasn't even going to tell you that."

"Why not?"

"Because your life changed when you were only sixteen. I had more time."

"It's always hard," Lorelai says after a pause. "But you can't compare yourself like that, Rory. Things are how they are. You can't change it. It's okay not to love it. It doesn't help if you feel guilty and mad at yourself. Being a new mom is hard, period. It's not going to be this way forever. You've still got your own book, right?"

"I don't know when I'll have time to look at it again. I finished it right before I started labour."

"But you'll have time later. You've got to be patient and trust in that."

"What do I do for the rest of the time?"

"Sleep when you can," Lorelai says, making her laugh. "And let yourself take as much help as you can get. I know you want to do it all, but we all need help. Sometimes I wish I'd been less proud, back then."

Her voice is sad but Lorelai doesn't elaborate. Silently, she and Rory finish the pizza and Lorelai suddenly says,

"You can't control the kind of father Logan wants to be. But Charlotte has so much love, from all of us. She's going to be fine."

"I know," Rory says, folding the tiny dress and putting it away. "Thanks, Mom."

Lorelai follows her into the bedroom and takes Charlotte from the cradle as she wakes.

"Both my girls," she says gently, kissing her and looking at Rory. "You're both going to be fine."


	36. Chapter 36

**Thanks for the feedback!**

The next morning Rory blinks awake in the early light. She lies still before rolling to her side and smiles down at Charlotte, sound asleep in the cradle.

"Hey," Rory whispers, climbing out of bed and bending down. "Happy four week birthday, little girl."

Charlotte's lips gently pulse with sleep and her dusky eyelashes brush her lids. Rory watches her sleep until her legs start to cramp, and slowly, she straightens back up and heads into the kitchen for coffee. Lorelai is inside, cursing out something on the counter, and brightly coloured balloons bounce merrily on the table and floor.

"Mom?" Rory asks in confusion and Lorelai jumps, sending a spoonful of batter flying.

"Jeez! I thought you were asleep!"

"What are you doing?"

"I'm making a cake for Charlotte," Lorelai says sheepishly. "Or I'm trying to, but the mix won't form."

"You're baking?" Rory asks and Lorelai grins at the disbelief in her tone.

"Trying to. Sookie's away so I thought I'd give it a shot. How hard can it be?"

"Mom, we both know the answer to that. Remember when you made me a cake when I was six and used salt instead of sugar?"

"Yeah," Lorelai admits. "And we tried pouring syrup over it so it tasted better."

"Didn't work."

"Not exactly," Lorelai chuckles and Rory laughs along with her. "I don't think the outlook is great for this one either. Charlotte might have to miss out."

"I don't think she's going to hold it against you, seeing as she won't remember any of it. Or be able to eat any of it, more importantly."

"Too bad you remember the salt disaster," Lorelai remarks and Rory wrinkles her nose. "Oh well. Luke's bringing by some edible stuff later. I just wanted her to have a party."

"Never too soon to start, huh?"

"There's never a bad time for a party."

Rory looks around the kitchen and sees ribbons inside the living room. Going through to get a better look, she takes in the sight of pink bunting strung up with the letter C and bunches of flowers taped by the picture frames.

"Oh Mom, this is beautiful! When did you do all this?"

"When you were asleep. Figured I had a little more time."

Rory walks around, admiring, and Lorelai says, "I know it's kind of dumb - like you said, she won't remember any of it or eat any of the food."

"But it's gorgeous, and we'll have photos for when she's older. I'm sure she'll enjoy it. Thank you, Mom."

"She's worth celebrating," Lorelai says softly. Rory smiles and nods, and just then Charlotte's loud cries fill the air.

"Oh, it's okay," Rory soothes, going into the bedroom and picking her up. "I'm here, I'm right here."

Charlotte still cries after she's been fed and Lorelai holds her arms out.

"Come here, cutie. What's with the waterworks? You're four weeks old today, Charlotte! You're on your way to smiling and standing and walking and all the exciting stuff you can't do right now. You don't need to cry, angel. I've got you."

Lorelai gently kisses the soft dark hair that's started growing on Charlotte's head, and Charlotte's cries gradually fade to whimpers and then to silence. She looks up at the room with her big blue eyes and Lorelai goes on,

"It's a big day, kiddo. We've made a whole party for you. Now the guest of honour doesn't need to do anything, not that you can if you wanted to, you can't even eat anything which kind of sucks, but just lie back, baby. Just lie still."

Charlotte lets out a tiny gurgle and her mother and grandmother laugh. Lorelai passes Charlotte back to Rory, who rocks her until Charlotte gets the look on her face which means she needs a change.

"That why you passed her back?" Rory jokes, hurrying to the bathroom. "Diaper, please!"

Charlotte's party isn't starting until one but Jess is arriving at eleven. Rory takes time in the shower, enjoying the luxury in having time to properly wash her hair, and is rubbing it dry when she hears a car pull up. Jess is early, and Rory rushes out as fast as she dares to the porch, stopping in shock when she sees the car stop.

"Hello, hello, hello!"

"Grandma?" Rory says in disbelief as Emily walks up to the house, sighing as she gets a clod of dirt on her shoe. "What are you doing here?"

"I can't visit my granddaughter and great-granddaughter?" Emily asks, climbing up to the porch. "I haven't seen her since she was born! Can you tell me why that is?"

"Well, babies have a seriously full calendar," Lorelai says, walking out to join them. "Work, doctor's appointments, you name it."

"Be serious, Lorelai."

"Come on Mom, you know how hard it is with a new baby," Lorelai says defensively. "And I didn't hear that it would be nice to see your daughter who invited you to this thing in the first place!"

"You almost didn't," Emily retorts but her face has softened and she almost smiles when Lorelai exclaims, "That's because you said a party for a four-week-old is ludicrous!"

"It is ludicrous," Emily agrees. "Yet it would be even more ludicrous to pass up seeing that beautiful little girl. Where is she, Rory?"

"She's taking a nap," Rory tells her. "I'm sorry I haven't called, Grandma, but it really has been crazy. I haven't slept much."

"I don't think I slept the entire first year Lorelai was born," Emily says and rolls her eyes when Lorelai cuts in, "That when you hired the nanny?"

"Can I at least see Charlotte?" Emily asks and Rory nods, giggling with Lorelai hisses, "See, she doesn't call her Susan!"

Rory tiptoes over to the bedroom and gently pushes open the door. Emily carefully walks over to the cradle, smiling down at the sleeping baby.

"She's already a Gilmore."

With that, Charlotte's eyes jerk open and she starts screaming. Lorelai bursts out laughing and Rory can't stop her own giggles when Emily protests, "Oh, you trained her!"

Trying and failing to stop laughing, Rory bends over and picks Charlotte up, walking her around until her cries stop. "You just surprised her, Grandma," Rory says over Charlotte's shoulder. "Do you want to hold her?"

"Will she let me?" Emily asks doubtfully and Rory nods, carefully passing her over. Nervously, Emily takes Charlotte in her arms, looking anxiously over at Rory and Lorelai, but then Charlotte rests her head on Emily's shoulder and Emily relaxes.

"There. We're fine, Charlotte. Now, being a Gilmore isn't a bad thing at all..."

"She's drooling," Lorelai whispers, pointing at Charlotte when Emily's back is turned and Rory whispers back, "Grandma doesn't need to know that."

"Can't say I blame her," Lorelai murmurs. "I feel myself doing the same thing whenever I hear the Gilmore duties get trotted out. I hate anything that starts with a speech."

Rory erupts into giggles again and Emily frowns.

"What are you two cackling about?"

"Nothing," Rory says quickly and Emily sighs.

"And you blame me for waking Charlotte up. Like that laughter wouldn't wake Rip Van Winkle."

Emily hands Charlotte back to Rory, who carefully places her back in the cradle, and Lorelai goes back to put up more balloons.

"It's nice to see you, Grandma," Rory says. "I'm sorry I haven't called."

"I understand," Emily says sincerely. "You're looking well, even if your hair is a little damp."

"Thanks," Rory says, deciding not to worry her with how unwell she looks most of the time. "You look great."

"Oh - thought I'd mix it up a little," Emily jokes. She's wearing a loose, silver blouse with some sparkles at the sleeves and black pants. "It's a party, after all. Even if it is for a baby."

They smile and just then another car pulls up. Lorelai calls, "Rory!" and this time Rory knows it really is Jess.

"Hold on, Grandma," Rory says, and hurries out to the porch. Jess is already out of the car and he has a bag on his shoulder, which he drops on the porch before taking Rory in his arms and giving her a kiss.

"Hey," he says fondly. "Everything okay?"

"Everything's fine," Rory says, looking into his eyes. "I missed you."

"I missed you too." Jess holds her hands tightly, looking like he wants to talk, but Rory turns around, leading him into the house.

"Mom and Grandma are already here, and Charlotte of course," Rory says, burbling slightly. "And Lane's coming by later and Luke, naturally. He's bringing the food which Charlotte can't eat but we can and you know it'll be good. How was the drive?"

Jess looks a little overwhelmed at the information rush but he smiles, greeting Emily and Lorelai and going back for the bag he left outside. Emily ambushes him on the way back in and says sternly,

"Hello, young man."

"Hello," Jess says and, after a moment's consideration, "Ms Gilmore."

A flicker passes over Emily's face but she simply says, "I prefer Mrs. Mrs Gilmore."

"Oh. Sure. Sorry, Mrs Gilmore."

"So I understand you're seeing my granddaughter," Emily says, looking Jess in the eye. Rory looks at Jess sympathetically but he keeps a straight face when he answers, "That's right."

"He was there when Charlotte was born, remember?" Rory intervenes and Emily nods.

"And you're living together?"

There's an uncomfortable moment and Rory says, "Not just yet."

"Well," Emily says. No one says anything and Lorelai breaks the silence by saying loudly, "Mom, can I show you something? In here?"

Emily leaves them alone and Rory and Jess look at each other.

"How are you?" Jess asks and Rory tries to smile.

"I'm fine."

"Tell me," Jess says but just then Charlotte starts crying. Rory turns to go to her but Jess is there first and he picks Charlotte up, cradling her close to his chest and kissing her firmly on the cheek.

"Hey, Charlotte, it's me," Jess tells her as she wails into his shirt. "How's my girl, huh? Did we wake you up? I'm sorry about that. You know, I couldn't sleep without music on for the longest time. I'm guessing you wouldn't like that. You want peace, right?"

Rory leans against the wall, smiling as Jess talks to her and as Charlotte's tears ebb he kisses her again, walking over with her to Rory.

"Is she okay?"

"She's fine," Rory says. "Well, she's been crying a lot, but less so since we've been here."

Jess nods and Rory adds, "Think she missed you."

"I missed her too," Jess says. "And you. I couldn't stop thinking about either of you."

"Me too," Rory says quietly. Jess's gaze washes over her and Rory admits, "It's been hard."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't want to worry you."

"But I want you to tell me stuff. I want to be around for you."

"I know - it's not that."

"Then what?" Jess asks. Rory can't think how to answer but is saved by Charlotte reaching up and brushing her chin, starting to whimper.

"She's hungry," Rory says, guiltily relieved. "I'll feed her and then she should nap before the party."

Jess nods and Rory goes over to the bed, resting Charlotte on her lap as she starts to unbutton her shirt. Any further conversation is delayed by Luke arriving and Jess goes out to talk to him. Rory leans back against the pillow as Charlotte feeds, closing her eyes, a tired confusion starting to form.

By early afternoon the party has started, which involves everyone drinking lemonade and eating the cake Luke brought, a sixth sense telling him Lorelai's wouldn't have worked out.

"That's just marriage," Luke jokes. Everyone is grateful, either way, but conversation is stilted. It's getting too hot and Charlotte fusses. Rory put on the dress Logan bought her, in two minds as she slid it over Charlotte's head. It's more of a winter dress, but realistically she can't think of when else her daughter can wear it, and it is her party, after all. Charlotte seems surprised at the wealth of material, her little fingers brushing the gold, and Emily coos, "She looks like a princess." The dubious princess Charlotte grizzles, and Jess whispers, "She doesn't look that comfortable."

"It's only for a little while," Rory says doubtfully. "She's just not used to real clothes. I'll take it off if she hates it."

Charlotte allows herself to be held by Emily, Lorelai, Luke, Lane and Jess, and even Steve and Kwan, but Steve rudely remarks that he thinks babies are boring and is unapologetic when Lane admonishes, "That's your aunt Rory's baby!"

"She's still a baby," Steve shrugs and Charlotte starts fretting. Rory takes her back and the boys jump up, running outside and yelling, begging to be allowed to go to the pool. Lane looks embarrassed but Rory assures her, "It's fine. He's just being honest."

"He needs a lesson in tact," Lane sighs. "Is Charlotte okay?"

"Charlotte's fine," Rory says but her daughter won't settle, not crying but not relaxing either.

"She's too hot,"Jess says and Rory insists, "She's fine. She just needs some air."

Rory walks outside, up and down the porch, and Charlotte's whimpers become real cries.

"Hey, you're the star guest," Rory tries to joke. "Sweetie, it's okay. I'll take the dress off, I promise. I guess you're not too comfortable, huh? I always felt weird in fancy clothes when I was a kid. Can't say if it was the same when I was a baby, I can't remember, but it was probably the same..."

Charlotte looks at Rory and, even though she is a baby, Rory can swear she sees frustration in her eyes.

"I get it," Rory says, rocking her back and forth, and finally Charlotte vomits all down the gold and cream skirt. Rory stares at it for a moment and then says, "Well, that's the end of that. Guess it was dumb to make you wear it."

Rory gets up to take her back inside and then hears voices floating through the kitchen window. It's Luke and Jess and, against her better judgement, Rory stops to listen.

"She's holding back from me," Rory hears Jess say. "She's not letting me in."

"Jess, she's tired. Rory just had a baby."

"It isn't just that," Rory hears Jess say. "I know she's tired. I know she's having a rough time, but she won't talk to me about it. She's acting like everything's okay."

"You've got to be patient," Luke says seriously. "You can't push her."

"I'm not pushing her. I'm trying not to. I just don't understand. I thought she wanted to do it with me."

"She does."

"She didn't tell me what was going on."

"She doesn't want to seem weak," Luke says after a pause. "Look, she's exhausted and her hormones are everywhere and she has an entire new human being to look after, and Charlotte's real father is an ass. You can't expect everything to be normal right now, you can't get impatient."

"From Mr Flexibility here?" Jess teases but his voice has softened and Luke says,

"Look, I haven't been around many new mothers, apart from Liz, and even that was sporadic, but you know what I'm saying."

"Yeah. I do. I'm not trying to -"

"I know you're not. Just give it time, Jess. Just listen to her."

"What if she doesn't talk?"

"Just be there for her. That's all I'm saying."

There's a silence where Rory imagines Jess nodding and then he says, "I hate that phrase. _Real father_."

"Yeah, me too, but you understand. When I say real, I just mean with genes. You're her real father."

"That's what Rory said."

"She knows what she's saying."

"Yeah."

There's a long pause and Rory feels her heart thud. Finally, Jess says,

"I love them both."

"That much is clear."

Charlotte snuffles and, heart in mouth, Rory tiptoes as fast as she can to the front of the house and runs into Lorelai in the hall.

"Hey - I was just going to look for you. Everything okay?"

"Dress has been destroyed," Rory says, her voice unnecessarily loud. "Charlotte's feelings are crystal clear."

"Oh, no. Well, at least it got one wear, right?"

"Right, right."

Lorelai puts a hand on Rory's shoulder.

"Hey. Is everything okay?"

"Everything's fine," Rory says, the loudness in her tone making her wince. "I've just got to get Charlotte changed. Puke doesn't smell great in this heat."

"Or any temperature," Lorelai says, pinching her nose, and Rory rushes Charlotte to the bathroom. She turns the taps on full blast and allows herself to cry, letting her tears mix with the water she washes over her daughter's chest.

A few hours later, everyone goes. Lorelai gathers up the bounty Charlotte's received in new toys, clothes and a blanket.

"I can't believe how many of these Charlotte goes through," Rory says, holding it up. "Babies are so much grosser than everyone makes out."

"And louder, too," Lorelai concurs. "Grandma wants to say goodbye before she leaves."

Rory goes over to the car and hugs Emily.

"Thanks for coming," she says. "I'd bring out Charlotte but she's sleeping."

"That's fine, I already got in all the kisses I had saved," Emily says, making Rory laugh. "Now, you two must come and stay with me when she's a little older. Or even sooner - I've looked after new babies before."

"Maybe in a month or so," Rory says. "When she's settled more."

"Of course. Well, she's a stunning girl. Richard would be so proud. Charlotte looks just like you. It's a shame she doesn't have her father's hair."

"It could fall out," Rory says and Emily says, "I hope so."

Rory hopes it doesn't, or if it does that it grows back brown, but she keeps the thought to herself and hugs her grandmother again.

"Take care of yourself," Emily says, climbing into the car. "And that little girl. Make sure she has the right people around her."

Before Rory can ask what that means, her grandmother is driving away. Rory is shaken from thoughts by hearing Charlotte cry, but when she goes to the bedroom Jess is there, sitting in the chair with her snuggled in his arms. He's got her alphabet quilt wrapped all around her and at his feet is a new set of baby books, which were inside the bag he brought.

"Go back to sleep," Rory hears Jess say softly. "There, that's my girl. My beautiful girl."

Rory stands out of sight, in the doorway, and lets the tears stream down her cheeks.


	37. Chapter 37

**Thanks for the feedback!**

Rory avoids Jess for the rest of the day and, as he kisses her goodnight, he asks, "Something wrong?"

"Just tired," Rory lies, looking away. "Long day."

Jess nods, gives her a kiss, and goes to the bed which has been made up for him on the couch. Rory heads to her old room and climbs into bed, careful not to wake Charlotte. Her daughter stirs, sniffles and thankfully stays asleep and Rory lets out of breath. She can't relax, even when the whole house is in still darkness, and Rory's thoughts tumble through the night.

The next thing Rory is aware of is the clank of metal on metal and she sits up, groggy. She must have fallen asleep at some point but it only felt like an hour ago that she closed her eyes, a feeling accenuated when Charlotte starts wailing, sounding as indignant as Rory feels.

"I've got you," Rory says. She still feels more asleep than awake but mechanically gets Charlotte up and feeds her. As Rory winds Charlotte and puts her back down Lorelai comes in, holding two cups and wearing a guilty expression on her face.

"Did I wake her?"

"It's fine. She was hungry."

"Sorry," Lorelai says anyway and Rory nods. "I tried to be quiet. I woke up and just couldn't get back to sleep."

"What time is it?"

"Five forty-five."

"Hence the coffee," Rory says and Lorelai nods, passing Rory a cup. "Thanks."

"Did you sleep well?"

Rory shrugs and Lorelai asks,

"How come?"

"No reason."

"You sure about that? You seemed pretty quiet last night."

"I was tired."

"But you didn't sleep well," Lorelai points out. "Is anything up?"

"Just everything," Rory says honestly. "I just wish things were different."

Lorelai looks at her and Rory adds,

"I wish I were different."

She stares down at her coffee and Lorelai says,

"Angel, what do you mean?"

"Nothing. I just - it doesn't matter."

"Why do you want to be different?" Lorleai asks, cupping her face, and Rory shakes her head.

"I don't. I'm tired, this is five forty-five talk. I just wish things were easier."

"They'll get easier," Lorelai says, putting her arm around Rory. "I know it doesn't seem it right now, but it will."

Rory nods and doesn't elaborate on her train of thought. They sit in silence, sipping their coffee until Charlotte wakes up again, crying plaintively.

"Come here, sweets," Lorelai says, picking up her up and kissing her. "It's okay, we're right here. How do you feel after your first ever party, huh?"

"I think she was underwhelmed," Rory says honestly. "And it was dumb of me to put that dress on her."

"It was as good a time as any," Lorelai shrugs, gently bouncing Charlotte until her hiccups stop. "That dress was only going to fit her for another month or so and she had nothing else to wear it to. Better that she wore it once and wrecked it than just letting it hang in a closet."

"She hated it."

"Oh Rory, she's a month old. I don't think she knew what it was. But I spilled my juice all over the princess dress my parents bought me, so who knows. You're in good company, Charlotte! Those dresses stink, right?"

Charlotte's eyes widen and Lorelai's nose wrinkles.

"Something else stinks too. Come on, kiddo, let's get you changed."

Rory moves to get up but Lorelai holds up a hand.

"I'm on it. You rest."

As Lorelai takes Charlotte out Jess comes in, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"Hey," Rory says. "Did we wake you?"

"No big deal. You okay?"

"I'm tired," Rory says honestly and Jess nods, going to the bed. Rory shifts over so there's room for him to sit and Jess settles next to her, holding her hand.

"How'd you sleep?"

Rory shrugs and Jess says, "When we're back I'll take Charlotte for a walk or something. Let you get a decent nap."

"Thanks," Rory says and Jess says, "I'm sorry I couldn't be here last week."

"It's not your fault," Rory says quietly and Jess starts to say, "If I'd -" and then hesitates.

"What?" Rory presses but then Lorelai comes back in, smiling and saying cheerfully,

"Morning, Jess."

"Morning, Lorelai," Jess says and shakes his head at her offer of coffee.

"Miss Charlotte is freshly changed," Lorelai announces. "I'm telling you, I'm grateful she's a girl. I mean, I'm glad she is anyway, but especially when I change her. I changed Davy's diapers sometimes and I got pee in my face more than once."

"Gross," Rory says and Lorelai laughs.

"Well, you managed it, even if you are a girl. It was an ill-fated angle."

"Okay, new subject please," Rory says, getting up as Jess laughs. "There's a reason we can't remember things we do as babies."

"And it's all fodder for parents to embarrass their kids with," Lorelai says honestly as she passes Charlotte over. "Trust me, one day Charlotte's going to be a teenager and think she's too cool for you, for anyone, and that's the day you bring out the baby pictures. No one is immune."

"I'll remember that," Rory replies and, as she kisses Charlotte's cheek, "I can't imagine her ever being a teenager."

"It'll happen. She'll put a sign on her room and grunt instead of talk."

"Hey, isn't that the guy you're married to?" Jess quips and they all chuckle. Charlotte gurgles, waving an arm and Jess reaches for her, kissing Charlotte on the forehead.

"You're going to be too cool for me, huh?" he asks her, nuzzling her nose. "You're going to listen to sad song lyrics and tell me and Rory we don't understand? But we will, I promise. Even if we tease you a little."

Charlotte frowns at Jess and Rory laughs, taking her back.

"Come here, baby. He's just being silly. You're my baby girl."

"That's another thing she'll argue with you about," Lorelai warns but she smiles as Rory firmly shakes her head, holding Charlotte close and kissing her again.

"Right now she's just four weeks old."

They stay in bed for a while, talking and taking turns to hold Charlotte, but Rory feels anxious when she thinks about her daughter being a teenager. It's years away, but the conversation takes hold in her head, her daughter demanding answers. An impossible teenage Charlotte asking questions Rory can't answer and she stares down at her daughter in the cradle, wishing she could keep her that way forever.

Later, they get ready to go home. Rory is still tired from lack of sleep and it doesn't help that she's remembered to see Paris that afternoon.

"Can't you make it another day?" Lorelai asks and Rory shakes her head.

"Paris's schedule is crazy. If I don't see her today she probably won't see Charlotte until she's another month old, maybe more. Paris hasn't met her yet and if I put it off she'll take it personally."

"Paris? Take it personally?"

"She will, I know her. Just trust me, Mom. I don't want her to bring this up ten years later as proof that I didn't really care about her at all."

"Do you want to go?" Lorelai asks gently and Rory sighs.

"I don't really want to go anywhere but it'll be good seeing her. I think."

"She's your angry friend," Lorelai agrees. "I guess it's better not to make her more angry by cancelling."

Rory nods and her mother kisses her, folding her into a hug.

"You can come here anytime," she reminds her. "You know that, sweets. You don't need to call, you don't need to feel shy. It's your home too - both of you."

Rory smiles and suddenly she pictures something else; a fight with her daughter, years down the road and Charlotte going to Lorelai, going to her other home. And Rory going too, to ask about the wonders of daughters. Rory smiles as she nods and kisses Lorelai back. "Thanks, Mom."

"Call me whenever," Lorelai instructs seriously. "Even if it's just for little things - it's what I'm here for."

"I thought you were here for snacks," Rory jokes and Lorelai affirms, "That and immaculate mascara. Go on, beat it. Jess is waiting."

"Bye, Mom."

"Bye, angel."

"Thanks for the party."

"It was worth it, wasn't it?" Lorelai asks and Rory nods.

"It was worth it."

Rory and Jess drive back in silence. Jess focuses on the road and Rory alternates between looking at the road and looking behind her, to check on Charlotte. Her daughter is sleeping and Rory jumps when Jess asks, "Mind if I put on some music?"

"Oh - sure."

Jess slides in a CD and Rory stares as it starts to play.

"Jess, is that Old McDonald Had a Farm?"

"Something wrong with barnyards?"

"Is this nursery rhymes?" Rory exclaims. "When you said music I thought you meant real music!"

"It's for Charlotte!" Jess protests. "Come on, she doesn't want to listen to the Distillers. Right, Charlotte?"

They look back to see Charlotte still asleep, drooling into her carseat. Rory starts giggling and Jess laughs too, embarrassed.

"I thought she'd like it."

"It's sweet, Jess."

"Should I turn it off?"

"No," Rory says. "Maybe she does like it. She hasn't woken up, after all."

"True. I had bands to help me sleep."

Rory smiles at Jess and he squeezes her hand. They drive and drive, letting the CD repeat, but neither turns it off. Rory doesn't think she can stand another rendition of Three Blind Mice, but she doesn't want to sit in silence, feel she has to fill it with forced words. They pull up by the apartment and Jess ejects the CD, looking ready to destroy it.

"I'm throwing this out of the window. This is some kind of torture."

"Jess, you can't throw out Charlotte's CD!"

"Why not?"

"You made it for her. She loves it."

Jess looks dubious, but Charlotte starts crying and in a flash he's unbuckled her and holding her closely.

"I'm not throwing it out," he tells Charlotte over her sobs. "I've got your CD right here, sweetness. Daddy was just joking."

"Jess, it's okay," Rory says, trying not to laugh. "I think she's tired and she needs a feed."

"I'm not throwing it out," Jess says, ignoring her. "I'm sorry, it's okay."

"Four weeks old and you're at her bidding," Rory says, stifling a smile. "Come on, I need to get ready."

They go up to the apartment where Rory feeds Charlotte before taking a shower and changing into a loose dress and brushing her hair. Rory puts on a necklace which Charlotte stares at, eyes big with curiosity.

"Are you sure you want to go?" Jess asks as Rory gets Charlotte's sling. "You can tell Paris you're too tired. She'll understand."

"No she won't," Rory says flatly. "And I want to go. Paris hasn't met Charlotte yet."

Jess nods and gives Rory a kiss.

"Text me if you want out," he says and Rory nods. "Where's my girl?"

"Right here," Rory says, picking up Charlotte from the bassinet. "Say bye-bye, Charlotte."

Charlotte snuffles and Jess kisses her cheek, holding her closely before giving her back.

"I'll see you guys later."

Rory puts Charlotte in her sling and walks her back to the car. Fussing at being taken back out, Charlotte starts to fret and Rory tries to assure her as she drives.

"We're not going for long, angel. We're meeting your aunt Paris!"

Charlotte cries dismally and, in desperation, Rory picks up the CD left on the seat and slots it back in. Syrupy voices start singing about sheep and Charlotte's sobs die down to whimpers and silence.

"Unbelievable," Rory says, glancing back at her. "I'm raising you to have better taste."

Parking the car, Rory puts Charlotte back in her sling and knocks at Paris's door. To her surprise, Paris is the one to answer and she smiles as she says,

"Check it out. The bun's out of the oven!"

"Hi," Rory says, stepping past her. "Where's Clementina?"

"She has the day off and Doyle's with the kids. Come on, sit down before you bleed everywhere."

"That's not really as bad anymore."

"Well, sit down anyway. Let me see the kid!"

Rory sits, taking Charlotte out and putting the sling down. Gently, she holds out her arms and Paris's expression softens.

"She's gorgeous, Rory."

"Yeah, she is."

"Can I hold her?"

"Of course."

Rory passes Charlotte to Paris and her friend holds her with an experienced air.

"It's been years since mine were this tiny," Paris remarks. "I miss it."

"Seriously?"

Paris laughs knowingly and says, "I miss them being this small to hold, and I miss them not being able to answer back. I don't miss the diapers and late nights. I had a nanny but it was still rough, particularly when we went without one for a stretch."

Rory nods but feels uncomfortable when Paris adds,

"I can't imagine doing it on my own."

"I've got Jess," Rory says. "And we're doing okay. Okayish."

"You're exhausted," Paris says. It's statement, not a question, but she smiles and says,

"I can't believe we both have one of these."

"I know," Rory says fervently. "It feels like the other day we were starting Yale and calling ourselves grown-ups."

"It feels like the other day I told you I lost my virginity," Paris says more frankly. "I thought sex was going to be the most of my worries. Plus I was scared it might lead to what I'm holding, even if it was a regular after school special."

"I'm with you on that." Rory's line of thought is completed by Paris saying, "Still, you didn't plan this one, right? Guess it's better than if you'd been eighteen."

"I couldn't have coped," Rory said. "If it had happened then - God. I don't know if I'd have gone through with it."

"I can't picture either of us as moms then," Paris says. "And sometimes I have a hard time picturing it now. Is that bad?"

"Gee, I hope not. It still feels crazy and she's right here. I can't forget her - I don't want to forget her - but sometimes I stop and think, _me, a mom?_ And it still seems unreal."

"Well, I think we're doing pretty well," Paris says. "Considering."

They look down at the baby and Paris asks, "Why'd you pick the name Charlotte?"

"For Charlotte Brontë."

"Naturally."

The friends smile and sit in silence for a moment before Paris says,

"So, how bad was it?"

"Huh?"

"How badly did you tear?"

"Not that badly. It felt worse though."

"Yeah, no kidding. I bled like a stuck pig. How long were you in labour?"

"Twenty-two hours."

"Ouch," Paris says and Rory nods. "Did Logan come?"

"He came just after Charlotte was born. We saw him a couple of days ago."

"Really?" Paris asks and Rory nods. "How's he taking it?"

"I don't think he wants to be her dad. I know he loves her, but he kept saying he doesn't know Charlotte. And he doesn't, I guess."

Rory's heart is tight as Paris asks, "Does he want to?"

"He says so," Rory says, "but I don't know. He hasn't told his wife about her. He bought Charlotte a dress and told his wife it was for someone he knew."

"Asshole," Paris says and Rory laughs, the tight feeling disappearing. "I always wish I'd dumped a drink on him, back at Yale."

"Well, I think Charlotte took care of it. She puked, peed and pooped on him all at once."

"She's learning well," Paris says, making Rory laugh again. "How did it feel?"

"Seeing her do that?"

"No, seeing him. But I bet that felt good."

"It felt weird," Rory says honestly. "Plus I'm so tired, and kind of sore. I was so sore when I left the hospital."

"How are you feeling now?"

"I'm still tired but I'm not as sore as I was."

"Good. You can probably have sex in a few weeks."

"Paris!" Rory exclaims. "Come on."

She glances down at her daughter, wondering if she should cover her ears or if that's ridiculous, when Paris comments,

"What _come on_? You'll be safe this time."

"It's not that. Jeez, that's the last thing that's been on my mind."

"So it's a good thing you've got that book," Paris says smugly. "So when it is on your mind you'll have some tips."

"Well, I wouldn't bet on it," Rory says grumpily. "I don't think it's going to be on my mind for a very long time time. If ever."

"I'm betting it will, and shorter than never. Give it a month or so and you'll be totally ready to ride that horse again."

"Paris!"

"What?"

"You're saying this in front of Charlotte!"

"Rory, she's a baby, and I said _horse_ , for crying out loud. Do you want me to spell it? Get someone to watch Charlotte so you and Jess can have S-E-X. I promise it'll be H-O-T and rampant."

Rory gives Paris a look, and her friend shrugs. "I forgot to spell the last word but something tells me she's not understanding a word anyway."

"Forget that. Who's going to watch her? I feel weird asking my mom to babysit while I try to...you know," Rory finishes weakly and Paris rolls her eyes.

"I can watch her, Mary. Look, just ease yourself into the pool."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I thought you wanted a metaphor. I mean, if you're nervous but you want to, try masturbating or something first. There's a whole chapter in the book."

"Well, thanks," Rory says uncomfortably. "I'll keep that in mind."

"You've got it."

Charlotte starts to cry and Rory is secretly glad as she takes her into her arms and soothes her. As Charlotte calms Paris says, "I've got something for her."

"Oh, you didn't have to do that!" Rory is touched and then surprised as Paris passes her a book. It looks heavier than one for babies and when Rory unwraps it she says, "Huh!"

It's a big medical dictionary and Paris says proudly, "Charlotte can read it when she's older. She's never too young to learn about the human body."

"Well, no, she's not. Thank you."

"And I got her this," Paris says and Rory smiles for real when she opens the other gift. It's a tiny doctor's kit with a coat and Rory says, "I can't wait to dress her up in that. It's so much cooler than a fairy outfit or something. Thanks, Paris."

"Anytime. And you and Charlotte can come over anytime, too."

"Thank you," Rory says and smiles when Paris adds, "But not on Wednesdays. That's when Gabriela has Girl Scouts and on Thursday Timo has swimming, but any other day of the week. But you have to let me know a week in advance."

"I know. Thank you."

Rory stays a little longer, enjoying a drink of lemonade and letting Paris hold Charlotte. She's glad, Rory thinks, that Charlotte is going to grow up with Paris in her life. She hopes Charlotte finds her own angry friend, someday, and Rory is a little sad when it's time to leave.

"Call me if you need me," Paris says as Rory checks Charlotte is safely in the sling. "For anything."

There's a twinkle in her eye and Rory is embarrassed as she nods and steps outside. Sex in general feels impossible, as does, she thinks, expressing her confusion. It has never been her strength, Rory knows, but it's different now. It has to be.


	38. Chapter 38

**Thanks for the feedback!**

Jess is leaning over his laptop when Rory and Charlotte get back, hammering out some story, but stops and gets up when they come in.

"How was Paris?"

"Fine," Rory says, gently lifting Charlotte out of the sling and passing her to Jess. "Said she misses her kids being so small."

"Really?"

"She did say she doesn't miss the diapers," Rory says, grinning at Jess's question. "Or the crying."

"I bet," Jess says, kissing Charlotte. "Was Charlotte okay?"

"Good, but she's tired now."

Charlotte starts crying in agreement and Jess kisses her again, saying, "I'll put her down."

"I'll feed her first."

Charlotte fusses before settling to eat and Jess asks, "So how was Logan?"

"Oh - I don't know," Rory says, thrown off by the sudden question. "Awkward."

"Got any more detail?"

"Yeah, I just - I'm sorry, I'm really tired."

"Sure," Jess says, sounding abashed, and Rory nods over at the laptop.

"What's that you're working on?"

"New novel stuff. I don't know, it's probably crap - damn, sorry. Sorry again"

Rory laughs at Jess's embarrassment, pushing away the guilt at not having time to look at her own writing. "I don't think _crap_ and _damn_ are swearword.s"

"But they're close enough, huh?" Jess takes Charlotte as she finishes feeding, gently patting her back to wind her. "Good girl. Ready for bed, aren't you? Big day tomorrow. What time should we leave?"

"Probably around nine." Charlotte has a checkup with the doctor and Jess took the day off work.

"I'm glad I'm not in work," Jess says and Rory nods. "Me too."

"Check out the gifts Paris got."

Rory lifts out the medical dictionary and doctor's kit and Jess laughs in delight. He gently places the stethoscope around Charlotte's neck and says, "Are you going to to be a doctor, huh? Someday."

"She won't get it from me if she does," Rory says, smiling. "I hate the sight of blood." She laughs as Jess places the end of the stethoscope on his chest and asks her, "Can you hear my heartbeat?"

"Jess, she doesn't have the earpieces in."

"Her ears are too tiny for them," Jess says, taking the stethoscope off. Charlotte looks confused, waving her hand, and lets out a little cry.

"Sorry, sweetie," Jess says, kissing her cheek and laying her down in the bassinet. "I know you're tired. Dream about being a doctor another day."

The evening passes peacefully, with Jess working and Rory reading and sliding into naps. Charlotte wakes up three times but is soon soothed back to sleep, which feels nothing short of a miracle. Still, Rory is apprehensive the next morning about taking Charlotte to the doctor, afraid she'll be upset at the appointment.

"She'll be fine," Jess says gently and Rory bites her lip, ashamed at the flood of tears threatening to break.

"What if it scares her?"

"We'll be right there."

"What if she doesn't like the doctor? What if Charlotte doesn't trust me after that?"

"Rory, she's a month old. She won't remember."

"What if she hates doctors after this and it's my fault?"

Rory knows how it sounds but she feels it, all the same, and Jess puts his arm around her.

"It's a routine appointment. Nothing scary."

"She's just a baby," Rory exclaims in a wobbly voice. "And it's in the hospital, and that's bigger and scarier and she's so little..."

"I know," Jess says, kissing the side of her head. "I know."

They bathe Charlotte, who still isn't fond of water, and yells, indignant at this start to her day.

"I know, baby," Rory says, rubbing her back. "We're almost done. What a good girl..."

Jess wraps Charlotte in a towel, kissing her until her cries slow down, and Rory says warily. "Oh, I hope it doesn't take too long."

"I thought Luke was the one who hated hospitals." Jess fastens Charlotte's diaper, buttons her sleepsuit and places her in the bassinet before turning around.

"I'm not exactly crazy about them, but I don't want her to be scared."

Jess takes Rory's hand and looks into her eyes.

"We'll both be with her. Hospitals aren't always bad."

"I wish we didn't have to take her there," Rory says fiercely and Jess squeezes her hand. Rory is silent for a moment before saying, "The last time I went to hospital was with Grandpa."

"I know," Jess says softly and Rory laughs at herself.

"Well, I know the last time I was in hospital was when I was having Charlotte. You'd think that'd be my first thought. But the last time I went there for someone else was Grandpa."

Jess nods and Rory goes on, "Every time I remember him going was for his heart. And it was always okay until last time, when it wasn't okay, and then..."

Rory falters and Jess doesn't say anything. He keeps on squeezing her hand and Rory takes a breath.

"I know he was old. But when I think of going to the hospital, I remember Grandpa lying there. I didn't think about it when I was having Charlotte, because I was _having Charlotte_ , and I couldn't think, but now I don't want to go back there. I don't want to take Charlotte there."

Rory pauses, wiping a tear from her eye and lets out a shaky laugh.

"I know it sounds dumb."

"No," Jess says quietly. "It doesn't."

They're both silent for a moment and then Jess says, "You know what's in my head when I think about hospitals?"

"What?"

"Calling the ambulance when you fractured your wrist."

"Jess..."

"I know, it was so long ago," Jess says, shaking his head. "But it's what I think of. Swerving to avoid that furry thing, hitting the bench and my heart going fifty miles an hour, slamming the brakes and looking over to see if you were okay. And you weren't okay."

"Yes, I was!" Rory insists. "Jess, it was a hairline fracture!"

"You were hurt. Your face was so white and you were clutching your wrist and I was so scared, and I was so mad at myself, and I called the ambulance as fast as I could."

"Jess, it was an accident. It was no one's fault."

"If Charlotte hurt her wrist like that..."

"Jess, don't blame yourself. I went through this with the entire town, trying to make them understand. It was my idea to keep driving. You can't blame yourself."

"I don't blame myself, I just -" Jess pauses and says, "I just remember the look on your face, and imagining it being worse, and you having to go to hospital...anyway, that's what I think of when I think of hospitals. Even though it was so long ago."

"Fifteen years. Almost as old as when we were driving."

"Man," Jess groans, making Rory laugh. "Don't say stuff like that. Let's go before I need a hip replacement."

Rory feels a lot lighter as they go into the hospital but her chest is tight again as they wait. Rory changed Charlotte before they checked in but Rory holds her breath, afraid of her ruining her fresh diaper. Fortunately Charlotte stays dry, but she still fusses as her name is called and Rory and Jess take her into the hospital room.

"Hi there," says the doctor. She's very pleasant but Rory still feels a pang as she passes Charlotte over to her. "Charlotte Lorelai Gilmore, correct? Let's get her weighed."

Charlotte seems surprised as Rory removes sleepsuit and diaper, and shrieks as she is placed on the scale, clearly hating the cold metal on her skin. Rory resists the urge to snatch her off, and the doctor is calm as she takes the number down and lifts Charlotte off the scale.

"All healthy. Let me just check her over."

Charlotte cries throughout, twisting the knife in Rory's heart, but the doctor smiles as she hands Charlotte back.

"Everything is looking good. Is she feeding well?"

"Extremely. The girl likes her food," Rory manages to joke and everyone laughs.

"I'm glad to hear that."

The doctor runs through more questions and then asks, "How's her sleep schedule?"

"Okay," Jess says at the same moment Rory says, "Not great."

They look at each other and the doctor pauses.

"She sleeps well when you're there," Rory says to Jess. "She cries more when it's just me."

"Are you working away?" the doctor asks Jess and Jess says, "Kind of. We don't live together right now. Charlotte's not -"

"I know she isn't your biological child," the doctor says. "I just assumed you shared a living space as you are in a relationship and were there for the birth. My mistake."

"I'm there as much as I can be." Jess sounds annoyed and the doctor turns to Rory.

"How is she in general?"

"Unsettled," Rory says honestly. "When Jess is there, or my mom, Charlotte's better, but when I'm alone with her she cries more. She was waking up every two hours."

"And she's sleeping better now?"

"I was with my mom this week."

"How are you finding things?"

"Tiring," Rory says honestly. She thinks about saying more but doesn't know how to. She feels strangely ashamed and cuddles Charlotte close to her, giving her a kiss.

"Well, that's normal," the doctor says after Rory doesn't add further. "Having a newborn is very hard."

"But Charlotte's okay?" Rory asks and the doctor nods.

"She's doing great. Are you doing okay?"

"I think so."

"Well, call or make an appointment if you want to see me. Let me get Charlotte's information up to date..."

Rory and Jess shake the doctor's hand, and the doctor even shakes Charlotte's tiny fingers, before they take her outside. Going to the restroom, Rory fastens a new diaper on her daughter and her sleepsuit and, having pictured Charlotte soiling herself on the way out, is grateful for small mercies.

"Hey," Jess says, once they're outside. "Want to go get a coffee?"

"Sure," Rory says, after a moment's hesitation, and they go over to the car. Rory feeds Charlotte, who snuffles against her mother's chest before falling asleep in the carseat. They park near an artsy area, the kind of place Luke would hate, and carry Charlotte into a tiny coffeeshop on the corner. Ordering an Americano each, Jess and Rory silently sip for a moment as Charlotte sleeps beside them.

"That wasn't so bad," Jess ventures and Rory looks up.

"No. It wasn't."

The cool awkwardness which disappeared yesterday feels fresh. Rory imagined being more relaxed after the hospital but her stomach feels taut, and she feels defensive when Jess says, "Can we talk?"

"About Logan?"

"Sure, we can start with that, but I want to really talk."

"What do you want me to say?"

"I don't know!" Jess exclaims. "Jeez Rory, I feel like you're mad at me, like I've done something, but I don't know what!"

"More like you're mad at me!"

"What does that mean?"

Rory looks away and Jess moves to meet her eyes.

"Talk to me," he says and then, more gently, "Rory, it's me. Come on. You can tell me."

"I know you're mad at me," Rory says. "I saw your face in the hospital, when the doctor said she thought you lived with me. You're mad that I won't move in."

"Maybe a little," Jess admits and Rory wrenches her eyes back.

"I knew it."

"I'm just confused," Jess says, taking her hands. "I'm not mad at you, I just thought you wanted to do it with me."

"I am doing it with you!"

"Then why don't you want to? I don't understand, Rory."

"It's too much!"

"What's too much?"

"Having a new baby and upturning everything - everything!"

"But it's me," Jess protests, eyes wide. "I love you, I love you and Charlotte."

Rory lets out a moan and Jess asks, "Have you changed your mind?"

His voice is tight and Rory rigorously shakes her head. "No - of course not. I don't want to change anything."

"Then why do I feel like you're putting up a wall?"

"I don't know," Rory snaps. "Why don't you go ask Luke?"

Jess sits back, surprised. "What do you mean?"

"I heard you!" Rory says furiously. "At Charlotte's party, I took her outside and I heard you and Luke talking. You think it's a mess and I'm not doing anything right."

"Rory, that's not -"

"I heard you!"

"I'm just confused."

"Then talk to me!"

"How can I talk to you when you're saying it's fine and then you go to Stars Hollow with Lorelai because you aren't coping?"

"I am coping!"

"Then why did you go?"

"Because I was tired and it was hard and - Jess, why can't you understand that?"

"I do understand that!" Jess exclaims. "Rory, I get it!"

"No you don't! Charlotte doesn't wake up constantly when you're there!"

"Why aren't you talking to me? Why aren't you telling me this stuff?"

"Because I didn't want you to worry!"

"But I want to worry! I mean - Rory, I'm with you and I want to hear about it all. If you're having a hard time, tell me!"

"But you have your own stuff. You couldn't leave work."

"I still want to know."

They look at each other for a moment and Rory says tearfully, "I feel like I'm doing everything wrong. I thought I'd have it under control. I'm trying to be a good mom, be a good girlfriend and not fall apart when things mess up. But then everyone thinks that's a mistake too and I just - it's so hard. It's harder than I ever thought."

"Rory, you just have to be you," Jess says gently but Rory can't look at him. She feels like the wall has gone back up without her noticing. She is distracted as Charlotte starts crying, acute in distress and Rory nestles her closely, breathing in her sweet skin.

"Is she okay?"

"She's fine. We upset her, I think."

"Come here, Charlotte." Jess takes her to hold and asks,

"How was Logan, anyway?"

"He says he doesn't know her." Rory wipes her eyes and smiles at Jess's incredulous expression. "He stills wants to see her, at least."

"He doesn't deserve the privilege," Jess murmurs against Charlotte's neck. "Are we ready to go home?"

"Yeah," Rory says, answering for her daughter. "We're ready to go."


	39. Chapter 39

**Thanks for the feedback!**

The next morning, Jess leaves early for work. Charlotte cries, falls back asleep and surprisingly doesn't wake for another hour. She flutters her eyes open, squealing slightly, but doesn't cry when Rory bends over her basket.

"Hey, sweetie. You ready to get up?"

Charlotte stares up with her big blue eyes and for a moment Rory simply looks down at her. Already Charlotte seems more grown than when Rory took her home. Charlotte can lift her head a little and has started to stretch her tiny limbs, uncurling her miniature fingers, and she reaches them out now, brushing the ends of Rory's hair.

"Let's get you up," Rory says, tucking her arms around her. "Are you hungry, huh?"

Charlotte feeds hungrily but after she's been burped, changed and laid back down she starts crying. Scooping her back into her arms, Rory walks around the apartment, her daughter's cries getting louder.

"Are you missing your daddy?" Rory asks, kissing Charlotte's cheek. "I miss him too."

Rory's own guilt soaks into Charlotte's tears. She longs to pick up the phone, call Jess and say she's sorry, start to explain - but explain what? Rory doesn't know how to tell him how mixed up she feels. She loves him, there's no halt in her mind, but something is tugging at her. It tugs at her when she thinks of him in Philadelphia, when she sees him writing, when she pictures him talking about her. Rory's imagination steps into play and she hears the scripted responses, _oh how great you are, stepping in for her_. _Definitely an unusual situation_. And Jess's smile. Rory can't stop it bothering her. She thinks her mother in contrast, only answering for herself, and Rory tries to shake it. She knows how wonderful Jess is, how lucky she is that he's there. She doesn't understand her disquiet.

Rory's train of thought is distracted by Charlotte crying loudly in her ear. Her daughter is red in the face and when Rory smooths it with her hand it's hot. The day is sticky and sweaty and Rory takes Charlotte to the sink, where she gently pats some water onto her daughter's cheeks. The sensation seems to surprise Charlotte, and she stops mid-cry. Rory lets out a long breath and smiles at her. "I know it's too hot, angel."

Charlotte looks at her, tears fresh around her eyes, and Rory feels a small triumph. She knew what was wrong and got her daughter to stop crying. Charlotte squeals slightly and Rory wets her fingers under the faucet again, patting them on Charlotte's soft skin. They stand in the window, the New York sunlight streaming in, and Rory lets herself relax. She can't remember the last time she was standing still like this, not stopping or failing Charlotte from crying, or talking to Jess or her mother. Rory closes her eyes for a moment and then looks down at her daughter.

"You're getting a little heavy," she says to her. "How about we go sit down?"

Carrying Charlotte to the couch, Rory's eyes settle on the box of books in the corner. Luke is still finishing off Charlotte's bookcase so the books are waiting, but Rory goes over and pulls one out its box.

"Do you want a story?" she asks Charlotte. "Daddy bought you these before you were born. Let's read a fairytale. How about Cinderella? A true classic."

Charlotte kicks out her legs slightly which Rory takes as agreement. Settling down, Rory opens the book and starts to read, smiling at Jess's notes in the margins. She reads them as well _\- they say the glass slipper was a mistranslation. Personally, I think any kind of heeled shoe has a peril to it_ \- and laughs, tracing the page with her hand. Charlotte frowns a little but doesn't cry and when Rory next looks down, her daughter has drifted into her own deep slumber.

"Come on, Sleeping Beauty," Rory whispers. Slowly laying Charlotte down, Rory tiptoes away so she doesn't disturb her, and lets out a long breath. She isn't used to this calm. Usually when Charlotte naps Rory sleeps too, but she feels oddly energised. Putting the books back, Rory slips over to the desk where she gets out own writing, which she hasn't looked at in weeks. Rory flicks through the pages, marvelling at the time she had to write, reading a little here and there. Her eyes land on a description of Logan and Rory sits back. _Close to Nick from Gatsby fame, he strolled into my life with a wide smile and teasing eyes. I wanted to know more, delve into his charm and see beneath his gleam. He told me to follow my fun and when I held his hand, we jumped into possibilities. We fell from great heights and when I looked up I lost the way._

Rory's breath is tight in her throat. Her memory is furry, searching for when she wrote that, coming up bare. It's Logan, through and through, more and less. Now when she sees him, the gleam she described is starting to tarnish. Away from his world of riches and glamour, Logan is quieter, almost shy. He'd made her feel mouselike when they'd met - who was sheltered now? Reaching for her laptop, Rory powers it up to start writing these thoughts down, but before she can type there's crying from the bedroom. Swallowing her annoyance, Rory goes into see Charlotte, knowing before she picks her up that there'll be a soiled diaper to change.

"I know," Rory says gently, feeling oddly tearful herself. "I know, sweetie."

Rory changes Charlotte, feeds her and sits her on her lap. She thinks maybe she'll try writing something, even just a sentence, but now her daughter is fussing, and Rory gives up. She puts on a bright cartoon of baby songs and Charlotte's eyes widen. Her mother calls halfway through and laughs at the music in the background.

"Is it too soon to introduce her to the Ramones?"

"Maybe a little."

Rory lets Lorelai talk and sits back, closing her eyes. So much for inspiration. All the tiredness she was expecting before washes over her, and Rory feels she's lost the way again.


	40. Chapter 40

**Thanks for the feedback! Yes, it's my own description of Logan - thank you! I am less good at dry writing which is why my job is more creative.**

On Thursday night Lorelai calls. Rory pauses the movie she's been trying not to fall asleep to and greets her mother.

"Hey," Lorelai says. "Are you busy tomorrow?"

"There was that marathon I was going to enter," Rory jokes. "No, not unless you count the Great Race of looking after Charlotte."

"How about if you get to sit on the sidelines?"

"Huh?"

"I can look after Charlotte for the day," Lorelai says. "I have tomorrow off work and what better way to spend it than spoiling my granddaughter?"

"So we'd spend the day in Stars Hollow?"

There's a pause and then Lorelai says, "I was thinking you could take a break, if you wanted. Catch up on some sleep, relax. Take some alone time."

"You mean I'd leave Charlotte?"

"With me and Luke. Just for the day."

"She's so little," Rory says hesitantly. "I've never left her before."

"She'll be okay," Lorelai says. "She'll be with her grandparents. We've looked after babies before. Hey, we have it down to an art - remember how I helped your dad with Gigi? He was using duct tape on diapers til I helped him out!"

Rory can't smile. "She's so young," she says again and Lorelai says gently, "I know she is, angel. But we can look after her. And if you don't feel comfortable or if Charlotte's upset, you can come straight back."

Rory is quiet, thinking, and Lorelai adds, "I just think it would be good for you to take a break."

"But I have - we just stayed with you."

"You were still with Charlotte. Hey, it can like a trial run. See how you feel. It seems like it would be great for you to get some real rest, that's all. And we're her grandparents, not strangers."

"That's true," Rory concedes. She goes over to the bassinet where Charlotte is sleeping, snuffling in her dreams. "Okay," she says, taking a deep breath. "What time should I drive down?"

"I'll come up."

"Oh - Mom, you don't need to do that. If you're babysitting you shouldn't have to drive here too."

"I want to," Lorelai insists. "I'll stroll around a little first, get to see what's new in stores. How about I come to yours at ten? Is that a good time?"

"That's fine."

"It's not such a long day then, huh?"

"Yeah," Rory says. She can't picture a day to herself yet but says, "Thanks Mom. I'll see you tomorrow."

By the next morning Rory has worked herself up into a half frenzy. She talked to Jess and he agreed, but now Rory is brimming over with uncertainty. Charlotte is unsettled, needing more changing than usual, and while Rory can't find a reason for her distress, Charlotte grizzles steadily, waking early from her nap. Rory expresses as much milk as she can, her nipples sore from effort, and she's stuffed the diaper bag so full it's bursting at the seams. When Lorelai arrives Rory is on the verge of tears herself and greets her mother by saying, "I don't know if this is such a good idea."

"Whoa," Lorelai says, putting a hand on her daughter's shoulders. "Slow down. What's wrong?"

"Charlotte's upset and I've expressed milk but it might not be enough and I knocked one bottle over the first time so that's one gone anyway and neither of us really slept, because she kept waking up, and she's awake now and she won't settle and maybe her tummy hurts and she'll be mad if I leave her."

"Take a breath," Lorelai instructs, leading Rory to a chair. "Sit down, relax."

"Good luck," Rory mumbles but she obeys, taking three breaths while her mother looks through the diaper bag and picks up the bottles of milk.

"Rory, this can easily feed Charlotte for a day. This could feed two babies for a day. Charlotte? Is that you down there? You want to tell Nana Lorelai what's wrong?"

"Nana Lorelai?" Rory echoes as Lorelai picks Charlotte up from her bassinet and Lorelai shrugs.

"It's better than Grandma. Hey, Charlotte, why so miserable? You're spending the day with me! With me, that's right! What a big girl!"

Lorelai walks around the apartment, rubbing Charlotte's back and kissing her cheeks and Charlotte's whimpers sink to silence and she falls asleep on her grandmother's shoulder.

"There," Lorelai says in satisfaction. "Do I know babies or what?"

"She's asleep?" Rory whispers and Lorelai nods, beaming.

"Fast asleep. Maybe it's best if we head off now. Who knows, maybe she'll sleep all the way to Connecticut!"

"I doubt that," Rory remarks but she gets up, going over to Lorelai and kisses her daughter's cheek.

"Goodbye, angel," she whispers. "Be a good girl for your grandma - sorry, _Nana Lorelai_. I'm not far away, I promise. I'll come right back if you need me."

Charlotte sniffles and Rory swallows, lingering for a moment.

"You sure you're okay?" Lorelai asks softly and Rory nods. "You can come and get her as soon as you want. It's only until four, and earlier if you want, remember?"

"Do you think she'll be upset if I'm not there?"

"Maybe," Lorelai says honestly. "But she'll be spoiled by the whole town."

Rory has to laugh at that. "Keep Taylor away from her. He'll try and turn her into a mascot."

"You've got it," Lorelai says, lowering her voice in a conspiratorial tone. "Okay, this little lady and I are hitting the road. Want to wave us off?"

Rory carries the diaper bag downstairs, reminding her mother that there are three changes of clothes inside as well as a blanket and teddybear.

"She likes snuggling the teddybear before she goes to sleep," Rory says again, as Lorelai gets Charlottle into her babyseat. "And she wants the blanket when she's napping. She likes the green one too but there wasn't room for it."

"She'll be fine," Lorelai says seriously and Rory nods. "And so will you. We're just a phonecall away, remember?"

"I know," Rory says, letting her mother kiss her cheek. "Thanks, Mom."

"Thank you," Lorelai returns. "Thanks for letting me watch her!"

"You won't be so thankful this afternoon," Rory says. She's only half-joking but Lorelai laughs all the same. "Bye, Mom."

"Bye, angel."

Rory watches until the car has turned the corner and waits for a moment before going back inside. The apartment is so silent, suddenly, and Rory walks through, taking in the mess from getting Charlotte ready. Rory halfheartedly clears some up, her mind still on alert for her daughter's calls, and there's a terrible ache in her chest. Should she drive after them and take Charlotte back? No, she tells herself. Charlotte's with her grandparents. They'll both be fine. Rory closes her eyes, letting the silence wash over her, and suddenly feels washed over with exhaustion. She is so tired she slips her way to the bedroom, fumbling across the furniture, before crawling into bed. Rory has just enough energy to put the phone on the table beside her before she closes her eyes and falls into a deep, heavy sleep.

Rory's eyes slide open some hours later and she sits up, groggy. Rory doesn't recall any kind of dream - simply a long, cavernous sleep. Stretching, Rory reaches for the phone and her eyes widen to see it's half past one. There is a message from Lorelai to say she's arrived safely and, feeling guilty for sleeping through it, Rory replies to ask how Charlotte's doing. _Just fine_ , Lorelai texts back. _Charming the town. Luke is distracting Taylor_.

Rory smiles at that. She types some acknowledgement before putting the phone down and getting up. She is warm and sticky with sleep, her breasts heavy. Still feeling like she is dreaming, Rory runs a brush through her hair and grabs a towel, going to the shower. She lets the water wash over her, closing her eyes, her ears still on alert for Charlotte's crying. Afterwards, Rory expresses more milk before choosing a loose dress. It's still most comfortable and besides, it's far too hot for jeans. Hungry, Rory throws herself together a sandwich and she eats slowly, savouring each bite. She's forgotten how to eat without having a baby beside her. The afternoon yawns out before her and Rory is at a slight loss at what to do. The most obvious choice, she thinks, is to clean the apartment but it seems a waste of alone time. Rory used to relish alone time, being left with a book or a new CD. Now, she can't think of when she last opened a book that wasn't for babies. Going over to the desk, Rory sees the notes she was looking at the other day and sits down. Under the pages about Logan she finds her description of Dean. _Steady and reliable, he was my mother's wish for my first boyfriend. He stood so tall I felt dwarfed in his shadow and he held me tight. Neither of us wanted to admit when it was time to let go._ Rory still feels a sadness at that; wondering when the turning point had been. One moment she had wanted Dean to keep her safe forever and the next, he was like a sweater which had grown too small, smothering her. They'd both wanted to play pretend. The freshfaced sixteen-year-old Rory'd been feels almost like a cousin, and Rory smiles at her memory of running like a startled deer all the way to Lane's. Kissing a boy for the first time had seemed so unreal and Rory wonders what had happened to the cornstarch. She can't remember throwing it away. Putting Dean's description down, Rory's eyes fall onto Jess's and she pauses before picking it up.

 _Raven hair curling, his warm eyes sent a thrill through me, burning all the way through. His smile was crooked and he teased me with magic tricks, leaving notes in my margins and curiosity in my mind. We both meandered through our worlds, realities in literature, our fathers ghosts and mirrors distorted. Modest of his own intelligence, he shone a light on mine, pushing me to put a pen in my hand and write my own story._

Rory's heart is full. He has never stopped doing that, never ceased to insist on her worth. Rory remembers the night in the car, before they crashed, pressing Jess to do something, be more, wondering how he could be so casual about his great mind. She'd never doubted her own ambition, that happy young girl, and Rory aches for her. Reading through the notes some more, she stops at the lines, _I was by all rights a loner, and was told in no uncertain terms by those educating me. But I never felt alone. I loved my mother, I loved my friends, my books, I loved my whole life and I never wished for change. One day, I knew, I was going to grow up and start seeing the world, letting my thoughts open up, but for now I was fine. I was sixteen years old, I had a system, and I didn't need change. Of course I was independent, should anyone ask, but when I took awkward steps into love and sex, I faltered. I never enjoyed feeling uncertain, so clung to my wishes, and locked the doubt in. I was my mother's daughter, but I was someone else too, and I knew the way_.

Rory reads it over and over, heart beating. She can't stay, she thinks finally. She can't stay here and without thinking Rory picks up her carkeys and phone and hurries to the car. She drives and drives and doesn't stop until she's in the cemetery at Hartford and sitting by Richard's grave. Clearing the old flowers away, Rory feels a pang of guilt at not stopping to buy new ones, and puts her hand on the stone. It's warm to touch and Rory learns her head against it for a moment.

"I miss you," she says. She feels the lump in her throat and then, without warning, tears are running down her cheeks. Whenever Rory rubs them away fresh ones appear and finally she lets them fall in a steady stream. Her heart aches and aches for her grandfather, gone almost two years now, and Rory misses him no less. She sits like that for a while, her hand on his grave, and vaguely remembers the Jewish tradition on placing stones on graves. She wishes she had something for her grandfather who gave her so much. Finally, Rory looks at her phone and sees it's after three. She can't get up. Rory calls Lorelai and when her mother answers, Rory simply says, "Mom, can you come to me?"

Twenty minutes later Lorelai is walking across the grass, a look of concern on her face. Crouching down by her daughter, she carefully says, "Hey. What's going on?"

"Where's Charlotte?" Rory asks first and Lorelai says, "With Luke."

Trying to sit, Lorelai falls slightly and lets out a slight squeak of surprise.

"Well, there's a Marx brothers moment," she says but Rory only gives a small smile. "Honey, what's wrong?"

"I miss Grandpa," Rory says. She feels some more tears roll down her cheeks and her mother looks tearful herself as she pulls Rory into a hug.

"I know you do. I miss him too."

"Grandpa always knew what to do," Rory says and this time her mother frowns as she pulls back.

"You sure about that? Richard was pretty great at the business side of things but not so much with the other stuff. His way was the only way, and he wasn't exactly thrilled when I questioned him on it. He didn't speak to me for a week when I said I didn't want to get married to Christopher."

Rory nods but insists, "It always felt like he knew what to do, when I talked to him."

"Well, you and Dad were closer. He understood you better."

"You wouldn't talk to him."

"Oh no, I talked too much," Lorelai retorts, shaking her head. "You and Dad - you were so alike. You were both quiet in that way, keeping your thoughts in. You were so stoic."

"You are too," Rory ventures and her mother lets out a surprised laugh.

"Me - stoic?"

"You didn't talk about your feelings with him," Rory says. "Or Grandma, or even me, sometimes. You didn't like looking unhappy."

Lorelai is quiet and Rory is afraid she's offended her until her mother nods.

"I guess I didn't want to seem vulnerable with them," she says eventually. "I borrowed money for your school, they already thought my life was a mistake, and if I didn't seem like I loved it all the time it'd feel like they'd won. Which I know isn't exactly mature but - well, I did leave there at seventeen. I felt the same way going back."

"And with me?" Rory presses and Lorelai sighs.

"You were my kid. I wanted you to enjoy being one."

They're both silent for a moment and then Lorelai adds,

"I was close to Dad when I was little. I forget that, sometimes. We used to tease Mom about her DAR stuff and whenever she had a meeting, Dad and I would hide in his study and play chess. If I won, I got to sit in his chair. He'd insist on it. Then we'd eat peppermints and spoil our dinner."

Lorelai smiles at the memory and shakes her head when Rory asks, "Did he let you win?"

"Richard Gilmore? Of course not. He repeated the rules over and over until I got it. He only gave me his chair if I really won, and it took a while. I felt so good when I outsmarted him. Man, I haven't played chess in years."

"Why'd you stop?"

The smile fades on Lorelai's face as she muses, "I grew up, I guess. When I got boobs Mom decided it was time I started turning into a young lady, and Dad didn't argue. I was a girl, after all. And he started getting awkward around me and I was feeling so impatient, just with being a teenager and then the whole house felt stifling and then we'd look at each other and we didn't have anything in common."

"Mom."

"Oh - it's okay," Lorelai says, shaking herself. "I know he loved me. We just never got over that awkward stretch. Instead of going to college, I had you. That wasn't Dad's plan - that wasn't anyone's plan, really."

"I guess not."

Rory is sombre again and her mother looks at her.

"Sweetheart, what's wrong? Why did you drive out here?"

"I don't know," Rory says, rubbing her eyes. "I was looking at my notes and stuff, from my book, and then I just felt so lost, and I wanted to go to Grandpa. But he's gone."

Lorelai holds her hand and Rory says, "Do you remember when I said I wished I was different?"

Lorelai nods and Rory says slowly, "I feel like ever since I was a kid, I've listened to other people."

"How so?"

"I've never been on my own. Even when Jess left and I was single in freshman year, I was still thinking about him, and Dean. And I thought that whole year was going to be better."

"It was normal for it to be hard," Lorelai says gently but Rory shakes her head.

"I feel like I didn't figure it out. I went back with Dean and then I met Logan and then those guys it didn't work out with and then Logan again - and then I found out I was pregnant. And now I have Charlotte and Jess."

Lorelai squeezes her hand, not saying anything, and Rory says tearfully,

"It's so hard being a mother and I'm so scared I'll fail her. And I feel like I should be stronger about stuff."

"But you are, sweets."

Rory shakes her head, disbelieving.

"I feel lost. I love Jess, but I feel mad that he can go and write and have quiet. And then I get mad at myself because he does so much for me and I love Charlotte, but then I feel bad for needing him. And whenever I try and talk about it it just comes out wrong, even in my head."

"Rory, Charlotte's less than six weeks old. Of course you need help."

"It's not that just that. I feel less independent - I feel less than you," Rory admits. "I always have."

There's a shocked silence. Rory feels light at letting the words out but her heart clenches at her mother's face.

"Less than me? Rory, how - when did I do that?"

"It's nothing you did or said," Rory tells her, swallowing guilt. "I guess I just - you never needed anyone. And I always have."

"I never _needed_ anyone?" Lorelai laughs, wiping her eyes. "Oh Rory, I felt like I did. Not that I couldn't do it on my own - and you could if you had to, even if you don't think it - but I was so lonely. You know I didn't talk about sad stuff with you - I never wanted you to feel like I wasn't okay, like we weren't okay. You were just a kid. And we were okay, I just missed having someone to talk to at the end of the day or having time for myself. But when a guy did come along, I'd be scared that things wouldn't work out or it hurting you that I never let it last. Remember what I said about not being afraid to fall in love?"

"I do," Rory says, looking at her hands. "But I think I got scared of not being in love. I felt like if I broke up with someone, I'd messed it up. So I'd hold on."

"Oh, Rory."

"I love Jess," Rory says. "But I guess I'm scared that we'll break up, and if we break up, I won't be able to do it."

Lorelai is silent for a moment and then looks into her daughter's eyes.

"I can't promise you won't break up," she says. "But I do know that you can do it on your own, if you have to. It would be hard - don't underestimate that - but you could do it."

Rory lets herself mull over that and Lorelai says furiously, "And you aren't one bit less than me."

Lorelai pulls her into a hug and Rory lets her mother kiss her, stroke her hair.

"I pushed too much onto you," she mumbles. "I'm sorry."

"Mom. No."

But Lorelai is shaking her head, eyes bright, and then she takes a breath.

"Well," she says shakily. "I never had this kind of cathartic talk with my parents. I wonder what Dad would think, if he can see us?"

"He'd be awkward," Rory says honestly and Lorelai laughs.

"Yeah, he would."

She smiles fondly, placing her own hand on his grave, before looking back at Rory.

"You need to talk to Jess about this stuff."

"It always comes out wrong," Rory says. "I'm nervous."

"You did okay with me."

Rory is silent and Lorelai says, "You're in a relationship with him. Take it from someone who knows - talk to him. Jess knows you. He'll understand."

"I'm not good at this stuff."

"You're better than you think. You've got to trust in yourself more."

Rory nods and then looks down. Milky flowers are starting to spread across her shirt and she pushes herself up.

"I need to feed Charlotte."

"Come on," Lorelai says, taking her hand. "That little girl's waiting for you."


	41. Chapter 41

**Thanks for the feedback! Droolia, congratulations on your second daughter from a second daughter!**

Back at Lorelai's house, Rory makes a beeline to the cradle where Charlotte is sleeping.

"She's just finishing off a nap," Luke says. "She had a bottle a few hours ago and went straight to sleep."

As Rory goes in Charlotte wakes, waving an unsteady arm as her mother goes over and beginning to cry.

"Are you hungry, huh?" Rory asks, gently lifting her up. "I'm here. Hey, where's your sleepsuit?"

Under the alphabet quilt Charlotte is wrapped up in the flannel shirt Luke gave her, when she came home from hospital, and Luke explains, "She had a little accident. I thought this would be okay while her clothes are in the dryer."

"There's a spare set in the diaper bag."

"I know, but it's such a hot day - I thought maybe she'd be more comfortable," Luke says sheepishly and Rory smiles, shaking her head to show she's not annoyed.

"You're right. Look how tiny she is inside!"

"She snuggled right up to it," Lorelai says, coming in. "She fell asleep without the teddybear!"

Charlotte lets out a loud wail and Rory says ruefully, "She's definitely had enough sleep. I'd better feed her."

"I know the feeling," Lorelai says, grabbing Luke's wrist. "There's a box of poptarts calling my name!"

"Is it louder than the cry of your arteries?" Luke deadpans. "Let me make something healthy."

"Sure, and you eat that while I enjoy my poptarts. Come on, let's go make coffee."

"I tried," Luke remarks, glancing back at Rory. "It's too late for you but maybe not Charlotte. She's not going to get addicted to caffeine."

"With our genes, good luck!" Lorelai calls. Luke laughs, shaking his head, and leaves Rory alone. Settling in the chair, Rory unbuttons her soaked dress and instantly Charlotte nuzzles her chest, suckling hungrily.

"Good girl," Rory says softly, running a hand across the downy hair on Charlotte's head. She smiles at the shirt swarming her daughter, and marvels at the thought of her ever growing up. Already the sleepsuit Charlotte wore in her first week is starting to get a little small, and Rory can't comprehend the idea of her crawling, walking and then growing to be as tall as her mother. As Charlotte feeds, Rory tells her, "I went to see Grandpa today. Your great-grandfather. You've never met him, but if you could, you'd like him. I'm sure you would."

Rory looks around the room and goes on, "He loved reading. We both did. Grandpa gave me so many books to read, wanting me to have the perfect collection. These books in here - I showed them all to him and he wrote down what he thought was missing and filled in the gaps. He left his library to me. It's not there anymore - not in that house, I mean. It's with Grandma - your great-grandma - in her house. Some of it, anyway. She put a lot of the books in storage. Maybe someday I'll have a place where I can keep them, and read them whenever I like. Whenever you like too, when you're old enough. When you can actually read."

Rory laughs a little but she feels sad suddenly, and sniffles. Charlotte finishes feeding and looks up expectantly at her mother. Rory winds her and then holds her close for a moment, breathing in her scent.

"I want to do everything for you," she says fiercely. "I want to be the best I can be, so you can be the best you are. Whatever that is. It doesn't matter now. We'll figure it out, someday. We both will."

Charlotte wriggles a little and Rory laughs, settling her in her arms and awkwardly buttoning her dress.

"There we go," she says, looking down. "Mommy's okay now."

Charlotte waves her little arms out of the flannel and Rory bends down to kiss them. Charlotte kicks her legs out and Rory giggles. "Does that tickle?"

They're interrupted by a knock on the door and Rory looks up to see Lorelai come in.

"All okay in here?"

"Yeah - I was just tickling Charlotte. I kissed her arms and I think it tickled her. She was kicking out her legs."

"She's probably going to start smiling soon," Lorelai says, going over and bending down. "Aren't you, angel?"

She kisses Charlotte's arms too, making her squirm a little, but no smile comes. Instead, the flannel falls off Charlotte's chest and Lorelai and Rory laugh, tucking it back over.

"Maybe next week," Lorelai says and Rory comments, "It's crazy how fast she's growing. The sleepsuit she wore that first week is already getting a little tight."

"Oh honey, this is just the start of it," Lorelai says. "She'll be growing up in no time. And then she'll steal your clothes, and your shoes. The next thing you'll know is you two arguing about who stretched out whose sweater!"

"I will not compare boobs with my daughter."

"It was a bad day," Lorelai says defensively. "You're going to come up with something just as crazy, trust me."

"That I can believe." Rory looks down at Charlotte fondly and asks, "Was she okay today?"

"She was fine," Lorelai says, lifting her arms to hold Charlotte. "I think she was a little confused at first, when you weren't there, but we cuddled her, gave her a bottle and she went right to sleep. And then we walked her around town, took her to the diner where she's doubtless to spend many afternoons in future, and then straight back here again. There was a slight laundry disaster after lunch, but it was worse for us than her."

Rory chuckles at that and Lorelai adds,

"It was a tsunami of poop."

"Gross."

"It spilled all onto my skirt and smelled so bad Paul Anka actually ran away. I think Luke was tempted to, but he took over diaper duty when I cried about saving my skirt."

"You made a good team."

"I think so," Lorelai smiles. "It was a tense twenty minutes or so, but it was fine. We opened all the windows and got a fresh diaper on her right away. And my skirt was fine too."

"I'm glad to hear that."

"Charlotte fell asleep as soon as Luke got a fresh diaper on her. Actually, when I came back from the bathroom he was putting the shirt around her and she fell asleep then, almost instantly. I think she likes the smell."

"Luke is comforting," Rory says and Lorelai smiles, nodding.

"You called a couple of hours after that. Anyway, she was fine."

"I can tell."

"Do you want to stay here tonight?" Lorelai asks, putting her hand on Rory's. "You've had a big day too."

Rory hesitates, slowly opening her mouth.

"No," she says thoughtfully. "I think I want to get back. Jess is coming in a few hours."

"Well, he can stay here too, if he likes," Lorelai offers but Rory shakes her head.

"Thanks Mom, but I should get back. We can do it another time."

"You're going to talk to him," Lorelai guesses and Rory looks down.

"I'll try."

"If you like, you can leave Charlotte with us for the night. She'll be fine."

"I left the breast pump and everything there," Rory says, but truthfully it's more of an excuse. Lorelai seems to guess this, leaning to kiss her cheek and handing Charlotte back.

"Maybe in a couple of weeks."

"Sure, Mom," Rory says, looking up. "Thanks."

Getting up, they go to the kitchen where Luke comes in, Charlotte's sleepsuit in his arms.

"It's fine now," he says and Rory takes it from him, laying Charlotte down to change her into it. It's still warm from the dryer and Rory chuckles at the small surprised frown on her face.

"Thanks for everything, guys," she says, picking her daughter up. "It was great of you."

"We wanted to," Lorelai says, kissing Charlotte's cheek. "Anytime."

"You should keep that," Luke says, nodding at the flannel shirt in Rory's arms. "She should have it all the time, not just here."

"Thanks," Rory says, tucking it into the diaper bag. "I agree. And thanks for stopping the poop tsunami."

Lorelai and Rory laugh as Luke wrinkles his nose, and comments, "I might pass that to your mother next time."

"Hey, I went through it for a good two years with her," Lorelai says, pointing at Rory. "It's all part of being a grandfather. I get to enjoy the fun stuff now."

"That means I can teach her not to drink coffee," Luke says, making Lorelai roll her eyes.

"Wasting your breath!"

"A man can try. Safe trip, Rory."

"Thanks, Luke."

Rory hugs Luke and passes Charlotte over so he can cuddle her. Luke does so tightly, kissing her head, before passing her to Lorelai to do the same. Lorelai walks out with her and Rory to the car, and buckles Charlotte into her carseat.

"Drive safe, sweetie."

"I will, Mom. Bye!"

Rory feels increasingly tired as they drive out of Connecticut and head towards New York. The heat tightens into looming rain clouds, and Rory wishes a silent prayer that it'll hold off until she drives back. Her hope is granted, as it sputters and starts once she and Charlotte are upstairs in the apartment. Jess texts to say he's almost there and Rory is busy clearing the papers away when he comes in, his hair dripping.

"Hey," he says, shaking the water out his eyes. "It's a freaking monsoon out there."

"Let me get you a towel," Rory says but Jess shakes his head, going to the bathroom.

"On it," he says, reappearing with a towel around his neck. He rubs the water off his face and kisses Rory, leaving some raindrops in its wake. "You okay?"

"I'm fine."

"Charlotte sleeping?"

Rory nods but just then there's a whimpering from the bedroom and Jess instantly goes in, Rory following.

"Hey, hey, hey," he says, lifting Charlotte up and kissing her cheek. "What's wrong, little girl?"

Charlotte whimpers some more, letting out a howl and Jess's mouth drops open in mock-astonishment.

"That's how you feel about me coming home? What's wrong, huh? You're still dry, you're all snoozy - are you hungry?"

"I didn't feed her too long ago," Rory says. "I think she's just tired."

"And I woke you up," Jess says, walking around the room and stroking her hair. "What a dumb daddy, right, Charlotte?"

Rory smiles as he soothes her, kissing the top of her head. "There's my girl," he whispers as Charlotte falls back asleep. "Gorgeous girl."

Gently, Jess lays Charlotte back down and Rory says softly, "She's had a long day. Mom and Luke looked after her."

Jess nods but waits until he and Rory have tiptoed back out to talk. Rory doesn't dare close the door in case it wakes Charlotte, so leaves it ajar as she and Jess sit on the couch.

"Was she okay?"

"She was fine."

"Were you okay?" Jess asks, more pointedly, and Rory shrugs then smiles.

"It was easier than I thought it would be. I felt horrible, watching her go, but it felt good having some space."

"I'm glad," Jess says, taking her hand, but Rory feels serious again and he frowns. "What?"

"I think we should talk. Or I should talk."

Jess nods but looks anxious. Rory tries to smile, taking a breath.

"You know things have been hard lately. Hard for a while."

Jess nods and Rory goes on, "I've been thinking about stuff. I was reading through my notes lately, the book you inspired me to write, and it made sense. It's been hard having Charlotte, but it was hard before that, and I think I've never dealt with me on my own."

"How'd you mean?" Jess asks softly, squeezing her hand, and Rory says slowly,

"When you say, just be me, sometimes I don't know how to. I've always been in a relationship, pretty much, ever since I was a kid. Since I met Dean. And when we broke up, before I met you, Mom told me I shouldn't be afraid of being in love. She said she always did that - broke off relationships before they got too serious because she was afraid. And I kind of did the opposite. It felt like if I didn't stay with someone, I was being like her. I'd have failed, somehow."

Jess doesn't say anything but his eyes are sad and Rory swallows.

"I guess I've always seen myself next to her. I love Mom - I love our relationship - but I guess I worry I'm too much like her in the bad ways and not like her in the good."

"Rory, that's not true."

"Mom's more independent than me. When something had to be done, she did it. When she was my age she was running the inn and looking after me, and she was half my age when I was born. And she did it without anyone."

"Rory -"

"Sometimes I worry that I'm doing it wrong. I know going back to Logan was wrong - that was so stupid - but I feel like Mom would handle this stuff better than me. I know she has."

"Rory," Jess says seriously, and this time Rory looks at him. "You are as strong as your mom. It's in a different way, but it's there."

Rory looks away and Jess says, "No, listen. Your mom and I are a lot alike."

Rory laughs, shocked for a moment, and Jess insists, "No, I think we are. You might not have noticed, but that dazzling sarcastic quip thing we perfect is more than pure coincidence. It's probably why I didn't like her, and vice verca. She looked down on me, and I saw it in her, the same sarcastic jokes. She used them too."

"Jess, I don't think Mom looked down on you," Rory starts to say but as Jess's expression she giggles guiltily. "Well, maybe a little. But I think she would've come around."

"Hey, I'm not saying it's all on her. I had a pretty sarcastic mouth - still do, if you haven't noticed. And I used it when she tried to tell me to give it a shot, and then she was sarcastic back, every other time. I didn't like feeling judged, and I'm guessing she doesn't either. So we bring out the witty humour to put people off."

Rory doesn't know what to say and Jess adds, "See, this is why I don't like going too deep. Takes the fun out of things."

"I did tell Mom she was stoic like Grandpa," Rory muses. "I went to his grave earlier. I really miss him - he always knew what I should do - and Mom came to sit with me, and I told her that. That was she like him, I mean. She was surprised, but she's never liked talking about feelings. She always smiles and makes a joke instead."

"Remind you of anyone?" Jess says and Rory nods, smiling, but then frowns.

"But I guess that's my point - you and Mom have done so well."

"And you haven't? Okay, you made some dumb mistakes, so has everyone. But look where you are now - you have a great kid and you've written a book."

"I feel like it's not enough," Rory says, her voice tight. "I feel like I'm not enough, on my own. And I love you, and I love you being Charlotte's dad, but I feel - I feel that if you weren't there, I couldn't do it. And then I feel resentful."

There's a silence and finally Rory dares look up. Jess's face is hurt but he keeps his hand on hers as he says, "Do you want to break up?"

"No!" Rory exclaims, her voice shaking. "I love you. I'm just mad at myself, and I wish I'd tried more. You get to go Philadelphia and write and be around writers and sometimes I feel stuck."

"I miss you when I'm there. I miss both of you."

"I know - that's not what I'm saying," Rory says in frustration. "When I feel jealous, I get angry with myself, and I keep trying to push it away. It sounds awful out loud."

"It doesn't sound awful," Jess says and Rory sniffles, unsure about that. Locking his fingers into hers, Jess looks back at Rory, gazing into her eyes. "I love you," he says simply. "And I've loved you since - God, how many years has it been?"

"Jess, you haven't loved me all that time," Rory says, using her spare hand to wipe her eyes. "We've been apart for years."

"Maybe," Jess agrees. "We didn't sit around for each other. But it's there - whenever I saw you, part of it was there. And I love you in a different way since we were seventeen, but I still love you. And I know you."

Rory is silent as Jess goes on, "I know you so well. You've always thought you've had to be perfect, but you don't. That's it, Rory. You loved your grandfather so much, but you thought you had to be what he wanted from you - him, and your grandmother. And Lorelai. But you don't have to be that. I've learned things from you - working hard, knowing I can do more - but I didn't expect everything I did to be a masterpiece. And you worry about failing, so you don't see how you learn. You don't let yourself try again. I know that book can be incredible, I know you are incredible. You're an amazing mom. And you don't have to feel the right stuff to talk to me - you know that. Remember how mad you were, when I left town without telling you? About dropping out? You should tell me if you're having a hard time, even if I can't fix it. I'll be with you."

"I'm sorry," Rory whispers but Jess shakes his head.

"Don't be sorry. Just be you."

Taking her other hand, he leans forward and into a kiss. They kiss and kiss and, for the first time in weeks, Rory feels that low, warm happiness that lay dormant for so long.

"Oh, Jess."

"It's okay."

"I didn't want to worry you," Rory says. "I was afraid that if I said it, you'd be hurt. And I've been so tired too - it's not a great combination."

"Have you told the doctor how you're feeling? Maybe she can help."

"I don't know," Rory says and Jess replies, "It's worth a shot. She knows more about this stuff - the new mom stuff. I'm here Rory, but I can't make that better."

"You make it a lot easier," Rory says but she knows Jess is right, and he goes on,

"When I went to see my dad I thought that'd make everything better. And it answered some stuff, but I still was where I was. I had to talk to other people first."

Rory nods and he squeezes her hands again, kissing her cheek.

"I don't know when I'll be ready," Rory says hesitantly. "Moving in, going to Philadelphia. I'm not ready yet. I love you, and I want to be with you, but it still feels like too much. I'm sorry."

"It's alright," Jess says gently. "I'm not going anywhere."

They smile at each other and are interrupted by some loud shouts. Getting up, they both head over to the bedroom where Charlotte is crying, and as Rory lifts her up she says, "Oh Jess, she's wet."

"And a little stinky," Jess remarks, taking her. "Come on baby, let's get you changed."

As he unbuttons her sleepsuit Charlotte's diaper leaks onto the leg and Rory groans, "Mom and Luke just washed that."

"I'll get her a fresh one," Jess says but Rory shakes her head. "Here - she likes this."

Opening the diaper bag, she passes the flannel shirt over. Jess looks a little flummoxed but takes it, wrapping Charlotte in it. She looks surprised but stops crying, and Rory explains, "Luke gave it to her. She loves it."

"Well, of course," Jess says. Picking Charlotte up, he gives her a kiss before giving her to Rory and going to wash his hands. When he comes back he points at the papers on the desk and asks, "What're those?"

"They're the chapters from my book."

"Can I read some?"

"Maybe a little," Rory teases but she feels slightly shy as Jess takes a seat and picks up a page. Sitting next to him, she and Charlotte wait as he scans the page, a curious frown on his head, until Jess looks up and grins.

"It's so good, Rory."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. But me suggesting we bail didn't happen like that."

"It happened _exactly_ like that!" Rory exclaims, laughing, and then laughs harder as Jess explains, "No, I didn't want to bail so we could walk around and stare at our shoes. That was just a line. I was hoping I could make out with you."

"Is that so?"

"Yeah, that or smoke a little."

"I wouldn't have made out with you with a smoky mouth."

"Ah, but maybe otherwise?" Jess jokes and Rory smirks, feeling an adolescent lightness.

"I said no, remember? To bailing?"

"Right, right."

Jess flicks through some more and asks, "Can I put some notes in the margins?"

"If you want," Rory says. She's curious about Jess's thoughts and she snuggles Charlotte closely, feeling her relax.

"I love this description of you and Lorelai," Jess says, pointing to the page. Rory can't see so he passes the paper over and then smiles, deciding to read it to Charlotte.

"My mother and I were beautifully tied. Sometimes I felt it was chafing, but most days I loved our link. We were Lorelai and Lorelai, thwarting tradition to make our own. I shared her blue eyes and love for coffee, and most other things under the sun. She filled our house with love and fun and books and music, and so many women I could know and look up to, from Jane Austen to Eudora Welty to Patti Smith. The person I most wanted to be was her, and she gave me everything. When I was with her, I was home, and she never let me feel displaced, or doubt my love of learning. We shared our pitfalls as well as our dreams, but we were best friends as well as mother and daughter, and that bond can never break. Even when we fought, it showed, and when we made up all I felt was love. When I did leave home and start the dreams I imagined so long ago, I'd think of her if it was hard, and know she was there. Lorelai for Lorelai, night and day, I could call, and she could call me too. My mother was love."

Rory finishes and looks down at her daughter, giving her a kiss. "I'm going to write about you now," she says. "Because you're in there too."

Charlotte stares up and then her mouth starts turning upwards, making Rory gasp.

"Jess! She smiled!"

"What?" Jess exclaims, going round and Rory cries, "She smiled! Oh Charlotte, clever girl! Smile for Daddy!"

Charlotte stays serious but when Jess kisses her hands she smiles again and Rory and Jess laugh out loud.

"I knew that would make her smile," Rory says, feeling tearful, and Jess kisses Rory's cheek.

"She'll be laughing soon too."

"I can't wait."

When Rory looks back down Charlotte's drifted off to sleep, and Jess gently lifts her up.

"I'll lay her down," he whispers and Rory nods. As he goes into the bedroom, Rory moves onto his seat, looking over the pages he was reading. Finding a piece of scrap paper, she scribbles down the date and time of Charlotte's first smile, and then reads over her words again. The happiness is burning again, a different kind, but equally as half-known and remembered. She can do this, Rory thinks. Whatever _this_ is - she can do it, she knows. She's the writer she wants to be. Reading and reading, she lays her head down, and lets the words lap her into sleep.


	42. Chapter 42

**Thanks for the feedback!**

A week later, Rory is reading her email and emits a groan.

"What?" Jess asks, going over, and Rory says grimly, "Grandma."

"What about her?" Jess shifts Charlotte in his arms as she stretches a hand, and Rory sighs.

"Dinner. You, me, her and Charlotte. She wants us to come over."

"When?"

"Next week. Well, she says any time that suits but you know if we don't go she'll keep nagging until we go."

"Yeah," Jess grimaces. "Oh, man."

"She's not that bad," Rory says, trying to be fair. "She came around about me being pregnant and she loves Charlotte."

"Sure she loves Charlotte," Jess agrees. "It's me she's not crazy about."

"You don't know that."

Jess snorts, making Charlotte stir. Kissing away her surprise, he says, "Rory, I don't know if you need your memory refreshed, but the last time I went for dinner it wasn't exactly a rousing success."

"Jess, that was when we were eighteen," Rory says. She snaps the laptop shut, gets up and folds her arms before adding, "I don't know if you remember, but the reason it went so poorly was because you were late with a black eye and then you mouthed off to her."

"Yeah well, it would've gone a whole lot better if you hadn't insisting I'd gotten in a fight with Dean," Jess retorts and Rory smiles.

"Okay, okay. I know. The point is, all of that was a long time ago. Look, you're published now, you work for a publishing house! If anything, I'm the one she'll be mad at. And before I had Charlotte, she knew I liked you, and she wasn't against that idea."

Jess shrugs, bouncing Charlotte as she starts to fuss. "She didn't seem that thrilled with me at Charlotte's party. I'm not exactly optimistic about this."

"Fine," Rory says as Charlotte starts crying in earnest. "The place is great anyway. Even if she's awful there's amazing views everywhere."

"Room with a view, huh?" Jess teases. Rory smiles, remembering the trip with Emily to Europe and kisses Charlotte. "Maybe I wouldn't be too forgiving of whoever Charlotte brought home, if they didn't seem good enough for her."

"Good thing that discussion is sixteen years from now," Rory says, taking her daughter in her arms. "I hope. Oh, sweetie, it's okay."

"You think she's mad at us?"

"I think she's hungry," Rory says, sitting down with her. "But I wouldn't be surprised if she were."

"Hey, save those vocal chords for your great-grandma," Jess tells Charlotte and Rory rolls her eyes.

"Don't encourage her. So is that a yes? We'll go next Saturday?"

"We'll go next Saturday," Jess agrees, sticking his hands in his pockets. "It's a date."

"I cannot wait."

The following week speeds by and Rory and Jess decide to break the journey at Lorelai's. After the exclaiming over how big Charlotte's got, and coaxig a few smiles, they go around the town to show Charlotte off.

"Oh, she has your eyes," Miss Patty says wistfully. "She's going to look wonderful onstage someday."

"I'll let her crawl first," Rory says and Patty adds, "She doesn't look like her father at all. I'm assuming...who was he, again?"

"Bye, Patty!"

Rory is exhausted by the end of the day and yet, in the night, she wakes up. Jess is fast asleep on the trundle bed beside her and Charlotte is snuffling in her cradle. Finally, Rory gets up, and after tiptoeing past and checking Charlotte's still asleep, she slips into the kitchen and bumps into Lorelai.

"Can't sleep?" Lorelai guesses and Rory nods. "Me neither. Sit down, I'll make some coffee."

"Thanks," Rory says gratefully. "Man, I'm exhausted. Did I tell you I fell asleep at my desk the other night? I feel like that right now, only I'm awake."

"You can't relax?"

"That's what the coffee's for, right?" Rory asks, holding up her cup and taking a long drink. "Keeps me from being too zombie-like."

"They say sleep does that also."

"I'll take the coffee," Rory says, making Lorelai laugh.

"Well, you are my daughter. Nervous about tomorrow?"

"Don't even talk about it, it gives me a stomachache!"

"Emily has chilled a lot," Lorelai says uneasily but laughs when Rory asks, "So you think she'll go easy on Jess?"

"I wouldn't bet a lot of money on it."

"I don't get it," Rory says in frustration. "When I went to see her, she seemed really into the idea of us getting together. She could tell I liked him."

"Well, Mom knew I liked Luke years ago and when it actually happened she did everything in her power to break us up."

"Do you think she'll do that with us?"

"No. I don't know," Lorelai says honestly. "I did mean it when I said she's relaxed. She was watching TV in the living room last year."

"That was because Grandpa died."

"Yeah, but the mellowness has stuck. She wears boat shoes now!"

Rory smiles but she's sad, and her mother's eyes are as Rory says, "It still doesn't feel right that Grandma's there without Grandpa."

"I know, honey."

"You know, he didn't even meet Jess," Rory muses. "He was away that time Jess came for dinner and then we broke up."

"Maybe that's not such a bad thing. Remember how hard Dad was on Dean? And he was the perfect guest. No black eyes with him."

"I just wish Grandpa could see Jess now. He's doing so well."

"I know, sweets."

"I guess I can explain it to Grandma," Rory says dubiously. "Do you think she'll take that into account?"

"Maybe. But she'll still think of him as that thug, just a thug who's done well."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence."

"I thought you wanted honesty. You should have said you were busy."

"If I'd said that she'd keep pushing it until we did find a date."

"You say that, but there's a teacher of mine they still haven't met."

"It's one night, right?" Rory says, spreading her hands and Lorelai nods.

"It's one night."

They finish their coffee in silence and go back to bed. Rory holds her breath as she slips back under the covers and Jess shifts, snores slightly and stays asleep. Rory exhales, closes her eyes and the next thing she knows Charlotte is crying and Jess is bending over the cradle, setting the tone for the day.

"All set?" Lorelai asks. They've finally got ready for the drive and Rory scans the car again, nodding.

"All set."

"Then let me say goodbye to Miss Charlotte," Lorelai says, taking her granddaughter in her arms. "Hey, gorgeous. You excited to see your great-grandmother? No? Me either. Smile goodbye, huh?"

Rory laughs as Lorelai kisses Charlotte all over her hands and face and is rewarded by a wide, gummy smile.

"Oh, angel! Good girl! Smile like that for Emily and she won't be mad at all!"

"I wouldn't get too hopeful," Rory says, taking Charlotte back. "Even with that smile. Bye, Mom."

"Bye, sweets. Text me when you're there, okay?"

"Will do!"

Rory and Jess hug Luke and Lorelai goodbye, let them give Charlotte another round of kisses, and finally start the drive. The weather is beautiful, which Rory tries to take as a good omen, and tries not to read anything into Charlotte instantly getting sick on the ferry. When Rory pats her back Charlotte vomits all over the floor and Rory tries to keep calm as she smiles apologetically at the other tourists who are hastily backing off.

"Well, we've got some decent space now at least," Jess remarks. "I don't think anyone's going to come within a ten foot radius."

"Lucky them," Rory retorts, making Jess laugh. Charlotte cries some more, twisting guilt in Rory's chest, and she walks up and down the deck with her.

"Here we go. Are you feeling better, huh? We're nearly there..."

Charlotte continues wailing all the way to Emily's house and when she opens the door, Emily's first comment is, "My word, what a pair of lungs."

"Hey, Grandma," Rory says, passing Charlotte to Jess so she can hug her. Emily hugs her back before wrinkling her nose. "What's that?"

"What's - oh, Charlotte was a little seasick. She's fine though, and none of it hit our clothes."

"Thank goodness for that," Emily says, raising her eyebrows. "Well, come in, come in. I'm sure you two must want to sit down and have a drink."

"She's right about that," Jess mumbles, following Rory to the living room. Rory smiles, takes Charlotte back. and, heads straight to Richard's picture, where she kisses her fingers and touches his face.

"Hey, Grandpa. Look, it's Charlotte!"

Charlotte frowns at the painting, showing a slight resemblence and Rory laughs before walking back to where Jess is standing by the window, staring out at the aforementioned view.

"Sit down, sit down," Emily reminds them and Rory and Jess settle on the couch, resting Charlotte between them. "I hear she's smiling now?"

"Yes!" Rory says excitedly and Emily leans over, widening her eyes.

"Are you going to smile for me, Charlotte?"

Charlotte stares solemnly and Emily sits back. "Maybe later."

Berta comes in with a tray of lemonade which she lays down and then bursts into squeals, picking up Charlotte and giving her a kiss, letting out a stream of compliments Rory can deduce.

"Berta's very excited you're here," Emily says superfluously. "She's just been dying to see Charlotte. We both have."

Looking a little abashed, Berta hands Charlotte back to Rory, who passes her to Emily.

"Here, Grandma. She's wanted to see you too."

Emily and Charlotte both seem a little uncertain about that. Charlotte grizzles slightly and Emily says cautiously, "She's not going to be sick again, is she?"

"She's fine, Grandma. It was just the ferry. I've fed her and there's been no ill effects."

"So far," Emily remarks but she holds Charlotte closely and smiles. "I think there's a little of your grandfather in her."

"Me too," Rory says happily. "And she's going to be just as smart."

They sit in silence for a moment until Berta returns with a drinks trolley.

"Here we are," Emily says, looking up. "Obviously you can't drink, Rory, but I thought I'd have some wine. How about you, Jess? Beer?"

"I'm good with wine," Jess says, and then adds, "Thank you."

"Are you sure? I remember how fond your uncle was of beer."

Jess lets out a surprised laugh at that and Rory protests, "Grandma!"

"What? All I said was that the man liked beer. Still does, if it comes to that. He always drinks it when he and Lorelai visit."

"A lot, I bet," Jess says under his breath and Rory elbows him in the ribs.

"I'll just have lemonade and Jess, do you want white wine or red?"

"I'm not picky," Jess says. "White is fine."

"Well, that's easy," Emily says, nodding to Berta. "I'll have merlot."

For a while everyone concentrates on sipping their drinks until Charlotte lets out a cry.

"Oh," Emily says, looking down, and Rory gets up, taking Charlotte in her arms. "She's tired, Grandma. I think all that travelling wore her out. I'm going to put her down for a nap."

"The guest room's set up," Emily says and Rory goes out into the hall. There are two spare rooms, one made up with a crib. Slightly surprised, Rory settles Charlotte into it and waits for her to sleep before tiptoing out. As she heads back down the hall, Rory hears Emily saying, "What is it you do?"

"Didn't Rory tell you?"

"She said you're a writer." Emily's voice is a little disdainful and Jess sounds amused as he says, "That and helping run a publishing house."

"He's great at what he does," Rory says, going in and making them look up. "Jess's work is amazing."

Emily drinks more wine and Rory takes the opportunity to ask, "Grandma, where did that crib come from?"

"It belonged to one of Berta's children," Emily tells her, setting her glass down. "I hope you don't mind."

"No, I don't mind at all," Rory says, surprised. "You didn't have to do that."

"Well, my granddaughter needs somewhere to sleep!"

"Of course, but -" Rory laughs, picking up her lemonade. She doesn't go into how surprised she is that Emily chose something secondhand, when she has always had such disdain for anything used. She wouldn't even eat the shortbread left over from the wedding at the inn, so many years ago, but Rory doesn't remark on it. Her thought of Emily being a whole new woman is shattered as she asks Jess, "Do you make a lot of money?"

"Grandma!"

"Pays the bills," Jess says glibly. "And a little more."

"What's the ratio?"

"Grandma!" Rory cuts in again. "Leave it, please."

"Leave what?" Emily asks innocently. "It's a simple question."

"Simple questions should be about how our trip was!"

"I know how your trip was," Emily says maddeningly. "Your daughter threw up all over the deck. Rory, I do believe there's a speck of vomit on your shoulder after all. You might want to freshen up before dinner."

"Count me in on a shower," Jess says. His voice is even but his eyes are dancing, and Rory's heart sinks as Emily shoots him a look.

"A shower is a great idea," Rory says brightly. "Jess, you go first, okay? I should check on Charlotte too."

"I'll do that. Thanks for the wine, Mrs Gilmore."

Jess drains his glass, getting up and grinning. He whistles under his breath down the hall and Emily remarks, "Well, I'm not surprised."

"What does that mean?"

"The apple doesn't fall far from the tree," Emily says, and before Rory can ask if she means her and Lorelai or Luke and Jess, they are interrupted by Berta offering a large tray of snacks. Rory can't determine exactly what they are but discovers they taste good and slightly spicy.

"Delicious," Emily decides. "Berta, leave the tray please. I'm sure our guest would like to try some."

"I'll bring him one," Rory decides and Emily nods. Rory is too distracted to ruminate on her grandmother allowing food to be taken outside and concentrates on chewing. She's almost finished her mouthful when she coughs and chokes as her grandmother says,

"I heard from Logan the other day."

"You what?" Rory asks, swallowing a stubborn crumb, and Emily says, "His mother and I run in the same circles."

"You hate Shira."

"That isn't the point, Rory."

"You didn't say anything, did you?" Rory asks uneasily and relaxes as Emily shakes her head.

"No, although I do think she ought to know. Perhaps it would stop her lording about her son's wedding!"

"What was she saying?"

"She was going on about Logan and Odette's tour around Europe for their honeymoon, and how they're about to take a trip around Asia," Emily says in digust. "Wretched woman wouldn't shut up. What is it? Have you still got food in your throat? Do you want a drink of water?"

"Please," Rory says, though her discomfort has nothing to do with food. She drinks gratefully and Emily continues, "I didn't even want to see her, or hear from Logan, if it comes to it. I was invited to a garden party held by one of Richard's friends. His friend's wife knows Shira, and so she was there. And then she insisted on calling Logan and passing the phone to me so I could hear it all from him."

"What did he say?"

"Very little," Emily says through pursed lips. "But he didn't sound happy."

"Oh." Rory focuses on finishing her water and splutters slightly as Emily remarks, "I dearly wanted to ask him when he'd be seeing his daughter again."

"You didn't, did you?"

"Of course not," Emily says angrily. "How could I with his mother standing beside me? Well, I could have, and I would have, if you hadn't insisted on secrecy. He at least had the grace to sound guilty when I talked to him. It doesn't have to be this way at all."

Rory hears the shower stop and, dizzy with relief, gets up.

"I think Jess is done in the bathroom."

"I should think he is," Emily says acidly and, half-embarrassed and half-confused, Rory hastens to the bedroom.

An hour later everyone is sitting around the table. Charlotte has woken up and, after being fed and changed, lies in the basket Rory brought as everyone eats. Rory can't deny the pleasure of eating a full meal which didn't come from a takeout box, and eats ravenously. She's on her third mouthful of lamb chop when Emily states, "No steak this time. I remember I served that before."

"I remember as well," Jess says and Emily sips more wine.

"I remember you left without finishing."

"He got stuck in traffic," Rory says, swallowing, and Emily remarks, "Wasn't there a fight first?"

"It wasn't a fight," Jess says and Emily chuckles. "You gave yourself a black eye?"

"Actually, it's kind of a funny story," Rory interrupts and Emily says, "Really? Did it involve a clown?"

"Not quite..."

"I've never been fond of clowns," Jess comments. "Too Pennywise for me."

"Pennywhat? Was it a pole?"

"Was what a pole, Grandma?"

"What gave Jess a black eye."

"Something like that," Jess says mysteriously and Rory says hastily, "Why are we talking about all this anyhow? Can you believe it was fourteen years ago? Fourteen! Crazy, right?"

"Feels like yesterday," Emily says tartly. Everyone concentrates on eating and Emily lays down her knife. "So Jess, you run a business?"

"I help run a publishing house," Jess says, sitting back and Emily asks, "How successfully?"

"Successfully enough," Jess says. Rory looks anxiously back and forth before setting her jaw as Emily says, "Successful is nice. Is it successful enough to support my granddaughter and great-granddaughter?"

"I'd say so."

"Grandma, we're fine," Rory says, trying to sound civil. "There's no cause for concern. I can support myself anyway."

"By using your trust fund? You aren't working right now, are you?"

"Grandma, this is just while Charlotte's so small," Rory says, trying to keep her temper. "It's not going to be a longterm thing."

"Rory's fine," Jess adds and Rory sends him a grateful smile.

"I hope not," Emily remarks. "Of course, I never worked."

"Grandma, you work now!"

"In the past I didn't. Your grandfather worked for me. I never had to worry."

"Well, I don't have to worry either," Rory says staunchly. "Neither do you."

"Who said I was worrying?" Emily says, popping more food in her mouth. "My, this is good. I don't know what Berta made, but it goes great with lamb chops."

"Better than raisins in a salad," Jess says and Rory's heart sinks as Emily frowns.

"Well, we both remember that night, don't we? So tell me, Jess, what happened?"

"Pardon me?"

"After you left my granddaughter stranded, what happened? I know you left town without saying a word, not telling Rory a thing, but what happened between then and now? I'm simply dying to know."

"Well," Jess says, putting his cutlery down, "I went to California to see my father."

"Your father?"

"Yes, my father. I didn't know him."

"You didn't know your father?"

"He wasn't great on the parental front. Guess Rory and I have that in common."

Emily frowns for a moment and then insists, "Well, then what?"

"Then, I stayed with him for a few months and then headed back east. Lived in New York for a while, went to my mom's wedding, and then I wound up in Philadelphia and got my novel published."

"A brilliant novel," Rory adds, making Jess smile, and Emily comments,

"How very vagabond."

"Vagabond?" Rory echoes, incensed. "That's all you have to say?"

"Rory, it's okay," Jess says but Rory shakes her head, furious.

"He's led such an incredible life and written a book and you don't have anything good to say?"

"I can't think why you're so upset," Emily says and Rory retorts, "Yes, you can and you know it!"

Their argument is interrupted by loud cries from Charlotte. Emily and Rory stop, turning and standing and Jess gets there first, picking Charlotte up.

"I'm going to take her outside for a moment," he tells them. "She should have some fresh air."

Rory nods, momentarily confused, and watches Jess kiss Charlotte's cheek before wrapping her up in her blanket and going out. Emily sits back down, drinking more wine, and Rory sinks slowly to her chair.

"Grandma, what are you doing?" Rory moans. "Why are you being this way?"

"I don't know what you mean, and quite frankly that young man of yours has an attitude. Is that a good role model for your daughter?"

"Grandma, Jess is amazing with Charlotte," Rory exclaims. "He's her father -"

"He is not her father!" Emily says sharply. "Logan is Charlotte's father!"

"Yes - okay, Logan's her father genetically," Rory says, trying to quell her frustration. "But Jess is really her dad. He's been there from the start!"

Emily silently gets up, pours more wine and Rory pleads, "You knew I liked him, remember? When I came to see you, before I had Charlotte? You weren't against it. What's changed? Why are you acting like he's still that guy I brought home when we were kids?"

"Oh, I know he's grown up," Emily says irritably. "And I know you like him. I just - never mind."

She pours herself more wine and Rory leans forward.

"Tell me. You invited us up here and I deserve to know why this is like the Inquisition."

"It shouldn't be like this," Emily says. "Jess being her father when Logan's her father. I loathe all this secrecy, all this deception."

"Grandma - we're not going to lie to Charlotte about who her father is," Rory says desperately. "Jess is her dad but she'll know Logan is her father."

"That's not good enough!"

"Why not?"

"It just isn't right! I thought I'd be more comfortable, but I'm not, I'm sorry. I don't like this position you're in. Jess isn't reliable."

"What? Of course he is."

"Artists don't make good husbands," Emily says sweepingly, before adding, "Or life partners, as there's no marriage involved. Writing isn't secure."

"Oh Grandma, writing isn't his only work. He helps run the piublishing house - it's a great position."

"Maybe that's so," Emily concedes. "But what about you? You need something."

"I know I do," Rory admits, making Emily look up. "I know."

"Well, what?"

"I have something," Rory says uncertainly. "I can't tell you what it is yet."

"Why not?"

"It's not ready. And it's not what you mean."

Rory wipes her sweaty hands on her maternity dress as Emily frowns.

"Whatever that implies. What are you going to do?"

"I'll find something solid, when Charlotte's a little bigger. I know that's vague, and I know that's not the answer you want, but it's all I have right now. Just please trust me."

"Oh, Rory," Emily says, sounding tired. "I do trust you, it's just not what I planned. And let me be honest - I don't know if I'll ever accept Jess as Charlotte's father."

"Grandma, there's lots of ways to be a father. He loves Charlotte and he loves me."

"I don't like Logan cavorting around," Emily says and Rory shrugs, not telling her grandmother that it bothers her too. "But don't worry - I'm not going to try and interfere, if that's what you're thinking."

"And what has tonight been?" Rory is so amused she's not even angry and Emily lifts her glass.

"Call it a test."

Berta comes in, asking if anyone wants dessert, and Rory gets up.

"Let me go find Jess."

Outside, Jess is standing at the end of the grass, looking out at the water. Charlotte is settled in his arms and Rory walks over, putting a hand on his shoulder.

"You aren't going to hold her up like Simba?"

"Maybe in the morning," Jess jokes. "You okay?"

"I should be asking you that."

"I'm fine. You don't look so good. What is it?"

Rory hesitates before saying, "Grandma talked to Logan the other day - on his cell, I mean. His mother called him at a party she and Grandma were at. Anyway, Logan's planning on going around Asia or something."

"You're mad he didn't tell you?"

"I'm mad that he's flaking out," Rory says. "He said he'd tell me if he had plans getting in the way of seeing Charlotte."

"You going to call him?" Jess asks and Rory nods, grimacing.

"I have to. Not now, anyway."

Jess passes Charlotte to Rory, putting his arm around her, and for a moment they stand looking out at the sea. The sun is sinking down, spreading orange over the water and Jess puts his arm around Rory. They look and look until Emily calls them in for a cross between cake and pie.

After dinner, Rory decides to call Logan. Jess settles Charlotte down and Rory goes out, shooting a nervous look behind her should Emily appear. Rory walks far away from the house out of earshot before dialling, and receiving a sleepy hello.

"What's going on?" Rory demands. "What's this about Asia?"

"Ace, what are you talking about?"

"You know what I'm talking about! I'm at my grandmother's and she told me you said you were taking a trip around Asia!"

"Oh, man," Logan groans and Rory says furiously, "How dare you not tell me! You promised to tell me stuff like this!"

"Look, nothing's set in stone," Logan says, sounding midly more awake. "It was just an idea. I just said it because I was called unawares."

"So you made it up?"

"Not exactly."

"How definite is it?"

There's a pause and then Logan says, "We're trying to settle on a week. We're going next month."

"Great!" Rory says angrily. "If that's your concept of an idea, I'd hate to think what a decision is! Oh wait, I know - it's marrying Odette!"

"Why are you being so crazy about this?"

"You know why, Logan! You have a daughter! You promised to tell me about going away, if you have plans, that are going to affect seeing Charlotte!"

"You're mad that I told Emily first?"

"I'm mad that you haven't considered Charlotte!"

"Who says I haven't?" Logan demands. "I love her but I can't put my whole life on hold."

"Your whole life? I'm asking you to tell me if you have plans, that's it! How has anything about your life changed?"

"Everything," Logan says but he sounds unsure. Rory closes her eyes and says, "How long are you thinking of going?"

"I don't know - two months, maybe three."

"Well, great. Have a super time. Do you want pictures of her in that time?"

There's a slight pause and Logan says, "Just don't send them to my phone."

"I can't believe you said that."

"I would take her with me if I could," Logan declares. "But you know how it is. We agreed."

"You don't know anything about her," Rory says. Her throat is tight, suddenly and Logan says, "Doesn't mean I don't want to."

"Enjoy your trip," Rory chokes. "I'll send you emails."

Rory stands alone for a moment, letting the tears fall. The warm August evening is sighing all around her, the air with sweet scent, but the beauty is blank to Rory. She wipes her eyes, almost angry at how glorious it is, and is interrupted by Jess coming up and touching her arm.

"Hey."

"Hey," Rory says. She wipes her eyes and lets him hold her, still crying a little.

"Want to talk?" Jess asks and Rory shakes her head, sniffling.

"No. I don't - sometimes I think he doesn't care at all. Logan's going away for two or three months."

"Wow."

"Maybe I should be happy," Rory remarks, wiping her eyes some more. "But I'm not - I'm just sad. I'm sad for my kid."

Jess nods and Rory says, "But she's lucky with you. She's so lucky I can't believe it. We both are."

"I feel lucky too," Jess says, holding Rory closely. "Too bad your grandma doesn't see it that way."

"She's coming around."

Rory leans into Jess's arms and they sway slightly, in the last of the sunset.

"Are we dancing?" Rory asks, laughing and Jess grins. "We are if you want to."

"I want to."

Rory takes his hands and they stand together, swaying as the evening spills into night.


	43. Chapter 43

**Thanks for the feedback!**

That night Rory and Jess go to bed early, tired after the journey and sparring with Emily. Rory kisses Jess and giggles.

"I can't believe she put us in separate rooms. I feel like a teenager."

"You got pregnant out of wedlock," Jess teases and then, with a smirk, "Want me to sneak in?"

"With Emily, you can leave nothing to chance - she'll know. Besides, Charlotte's crib is in here, it's tiny."

"I was kidding," Jess assures her. "Mostly."

"I'll try and get up early, maybe we can take a walk before breakfast?"

"Deal. Okay, let me say goodnight to her."

Jess goes into Rory's room where Charlotte is curled on her side in the crib, looking up as Jess walks over. He lifts Charlotte into his arms and kisses her all over until she breaks into a grin.

"Goodnight, Charlotte! Hope you and your mom have the sweetest dreams."

Rory smiles, leaning over to kiss Jess goodnight too.

"See you in the morning."

"I'm right over the hall," Jess reminds them, kissing Charlotte's hand again, and heads into the room opposite. Rory gently lays Charlotte back down, tucking the blanket over her, and quickly her daughter drifts back into sleep. Rory quietly gets ready, afraid every moment will wake Charlotte up, but her breathing remains steady and quiet. Rory slips into bed, staring up at the ceiling, and is just wondering if she'll stay awake for long when her eyes close and she falls into deep dreams.

A crying wakes her and Rory sits up. She knows something is off, this isn't her bed or room, and then a moment later remembers and gets up. She steps over to Charlotte's crib, lifting her out and turns on the light.

"Here we are," Rory says gently. "It's all okay."

Still half-asleep, Rory sits on the small chair by the bed and nurses Charlotte. When she's done she still cries and Rory walks up and down, trying to soothe her.

"We're at Grandma's house," she tells her. "There's nothing scary here."

Charlotte sobs incessently and finally Rory pulls on the slippers Emily left for her, wraps Charlotte's blanket around her and goes out. The crying sounds deafening to her but there's no sound from anyone else waking up, and Rory tiptoes to the side door in the kitchen and steps outside. Rory walks to the end of the path, looks up and her breath catches. The sky is a pure, velvet black, gleaming with dozens of stars. Sinking down on one of the chairs, Rory stares in awe. Charlotte stops crying too, letting out a gurgle, and Rory looks down at her.

"Look at that," she whispers. "Isn't it incredible?"

Charlotte dribbles over her fingers, disinterested, and Rory laughs. She looks back up again and suddenly remembers the sky in London, the night she told Logan she was pregnant. How the stars sparked through the mist, looking cold and unfeeling. Tonight they look comforting, in a strong constance, and Rory lets out a breath, feeling a calm flow through her. She closes her eyes, enjoying the warm night air, and is jolted back to reality by Charlotte tugging her hair.

"Ow! Okay. Let's get you back to bed."

The next morning there's no time for a walk before breakfast. Berta is up at six, getting breakfast ready, and her children are awake too, half helping in the kitchen and half running around outside in a loud kind of tag game. They're still playing when Emily, Jess, Rory and Charlotte sit down to fruit and pancakes and Rory supressses a yawn before drinking some coffee.

"Didn't you sleep well?"

"I woke up in the night," Rory says, shaking her head at the offer of cream. "I mean, Charlotte did so I did. I hope we didn't disturb you."

"I can sleep through anything with this family," Emily says, nodding towards the children, and Jess says sheepishly, "I didn't hear a thing. Guess I was wiped."

"It's okay. I think she was just restless."

Rory is feeling wiped herself at the thought of the journey back and drinks more coffee.

"Good thing your grandfather isn't here," Emily remarks. "He stayed home once and was appalled when I drank my third cup of coffee for the morning."

"Grandpa didn't look after a baby," Rory says a little waspishly and then feels sheepish when Jess says, "Hey, let me take her for a walk."

"Oh - I'll come too," Rory says, glancing at her grandmother who smiles.

"Go on," Emily says. "Get some peace before you go back."

As they get up, Charlotte lets out a yell and an unpleasant scent to go with it.

"I'll change her," Jess says, lifting her up. "Why don't you go on and we'll catch up?"

"I'll see you by the gate," Rory decides and Jess nods, carrying Charlotte out of the room and away from Emily who's wrinkling her nose.

It's a beautiful morning. Berta's family have finally tired of their game, lying down in some shade and Rory slips past, ducking around the corner and walking over to the headland. She takes in deep lungfuls of fresh air and is sorry she's not staying longer, for all the exhastion Emily brings. Rory pictures taking Charlotte here as she grows up, holding her hand and looking out at the view. Where will she be, herself? Rory doesn't know. She stares out at the sea reaching sky and jumps at a footfall behind her. Turning, she's surprised to see it's Emily rather than Jess and Charlotte and shakes her head when her grandmother says, "I hope you don't mind. Jess is giving Charlotte a bath. It seemed she wriggled as he changed her and -"

"Bad results?"

"Bad results," Emily agrees, smiling. "I do not miss those days at all."

"Didn't Mom have a nanny?"

"Touché," Emily chuckles. "Not until she'd had her first birthday. Our maid helped a little but I did the rest."

Rory nods and Emily laughs, shaking her head. "Gosh, it was so long ago but I remember it so clearly. I was exhausted, and dirty - I couldn't believe how dirty babies were! Nothing like advertisements."

"Media manipulation."

"Something like that. I never wanted to see a soiled diaper again. Of course, Lorelai would get dirty in the literal sense. She always managed to find some kind of mud and get it all over a new dress."

"I didn't like dirt," Rory says, remembering. "I wouldn't step on wet grass until I was three, I remember."

"Well, your mother was lucky."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that. When I was eight I made a real mud pie and Sookie thought it was one of her chocolate ganache pies and put it in the oven. That was pretty bad."

Emily laughs and Rory smiles at the memory.

"I wonder how Charlotte will be."

"You'll find out soon enough. She'll be going through your things before you know it."

"Gee, I hope not."

"If she takes after you maybe she'll go on her own midnight strolls," Emily says. "I saw those slippers, young lady!"

"Oh - Grandma," Rory says, bursting into laughter. "I just took Charlotte out for some air because she was crying."

"Well, I deduced it wasn't anything else. Jess's slippers are immaculate."

"You checked?"

"No, Berta checked and then she told me. She tells me everything."

"Clearly," Rory says, too amused to be annoyed. "I wouldn't try and run anything past you."

"You'll be asking me for tips someday," Emily says maddeningly. "When Charlotte's older."

"A _lot_ older."

"You'll see," Emily says knowingly. "And look, here she is."

Rory looks up to see Jess and Charlotte making their way towards them. Emily pats Rory's arm and leaves her alone, calling out some kind of query as Berta steps out of the house.

"Good thing you didn't sneak in," Rory tells Jess. "Grandma sees all. She knows I went out last night."

"Wait, what?"

"I took Charlotte out for some air when she woke up last night. I didn't want to disturb you."

Jess nods and they stand in silence for a moment, enjoying the morning.

"It's so beautiful here," Rory says, soaking in the blue sky. "I wish we could stay longer."

"You do, huh?"

"Well, Grandma can be a little intense, but it's wonderful, isn't it? It's so peaceful. I love being away."

"We'll go on our own vacation," Jess promises. "It may not be as fancy, but it'll be relaxed and we'll go to the beach, what do you say? I mean, it's no trip around the world, but -"

Jess catches himself, looking down but Rory smiles.

"It's okay. That sounds perfect too. We'll all be together."

That afternoon they get ready to go. Rory checks everything is packed three times before kissing her grandmother goodbye, and is surprised when Emily holds out a package.

"For Charlotte."

"Oh, Grandma, you didn't have to!" Rory tears off the paper and lifts out a frothy pink frock.

"Wow, that's one frilly dress!"

"It's very pink," Jess contributes and Emily sighs.

"It's pink because she's a girl, and she doesn't seem to have a lot of pink."

"I think she's doing just fine without it," Rory remarks and Emily says impatiently, "Do you not like it?"

"No, I love it," Rory says, putting the dress down. "Thank you, Grandma."

"It's big enough for her to grow into," Emily says. "And I expect pictures of her in it."

"There will, I promise," Rory says, kissing her again and Emily nods.

"Good. Now get on before you miss that ferry."

Rory goes over to Richard's picture, kissing her and Charlotte's hand before holding them to the paint.

"Bye, Grandpa."

"Let me kiss this little one again," Emily says and Rory passes Charlotte over. Emily holds her closely, kissing the middle of her head.

"Remember you're a Gilmore," she says and, although her voice is serious, Charlotte breaks out a wide smile.

"Grandma, she smiled!" Rory exclaimed and Emily laughs in surprise.

"Well, would you look at that!" Her voice is bright but she quickly wipes her eyes as she hands the baby back. "I didn't think she'd smile for me at all."

"She was saving it, weren't you?" Rory asks, nuzzling Charlotte's head. Her happiness stays with her all the way until they're on the ferry, waving goodbye, and Charlotte promptly throws up again. It's a long journey back and, while Rory's glad to be home, she feels a little sad to be away from the cottage. Despite not being buried there, it felt almost as though Richard were there too and Rory feels as if she's away from both grandparents. There is no time to dwell on this, as Charlotte is still miserable from the journey, and Rory promised to call Lorelai too. She tries to cheer herself up by picturing drinking some coffee in the morning, if by some miracle Charlotte's asleep, and then Rory remembers she has a doctor's appointment and groans.

"What?" Jess asks and Rory sighs.

"I've got to go to for a checkup in the morning. It's no big deal."

"You sure?"

"I told you about it, it's standard. I just don't want to go is all. It's fine."

"Maybe it won't take too long," Jess says and then smiles at Rory's expression. "Stranger things have happened!"

The next day is cool and rainy, the perfect weather, Rory thinks, for waiting rooms. She tries to make Charlotte smile to no avail and then jumps when her name is called, wiping baby drool onto her pants. Rory settles Charlotte in the bassinet she brought before going behind the curtain and getting undressed, calling when she's ready to be checked over.

"Is this uncomfortable?" the doctor asks, feeling inside her. Rory is tempted to say _you mean the situation?_ but simply says, no, she's fine. So little dignity in all this, she thinks, but dignity itself is a pretty faded memory. She stares up at the white ceiling, counting the flecks on it, and is brought back by the doctor saying, "Well, this all looks good. Everything seems healed."

"I'm glad," Rory says, sitting up as the doctor moves back and then shakes her head when the doctor asks, "Have you had sex yet?"

"Well, it all looks fine if you want to."

"Great," Rory says. "It hasn't exactly been on my mind, though my friend got me this book and - forget it."

Feeling herself blush, Rory wishes she were lying down again as the doctor smiles.

"Obviously there's no kind of rush, but here's your options regarding birth control..."

Rory lets her talk, trying to nod in the right places, and is relieved when they move on. The doctor weighs her, takes her blood pressure and checks her breasts and it is only when Rory is dressed and thinks they've finished when the doctor asks, "How are you feeling? Emotionally, I mean?"

"Okay," Rory says weakly. "I'm okay...I'm tired."

"That's to be expected," the doctor says. They both laugh a little but Rory thinks back to talking to Jess and to Lorelai and takes a deep breath.

"Some of it's been hard. I've been lonely."

"That's expected too," the doctor says, laying down her pen. "Do you know anyone else with babies?"

Rory shakes her head. "I have friends with kids, but they haven't had babies in a long time. I sort of lost touch with the people I knew in my pregnancy group. I've just been so tired and busy and, well, I guess I'm not always great at this sort of thing."

"Don't be too hard on yourself. Your whole life has changed."

Rory nods and makes herself say, "I've been feeling sad a lot. Sometimes I feel inadequate."

"Is there anyone you can talk to about this?" the doctor asks gently and Rory bites her lip.

"My boyfriend and my mom, but - but sometimes I feel that way around them. Not because they're trying to make me feel that way, it just - I just - I'm sorry."

To her horror, Rory can feel a wall of tears threatening to break and knows that if she talks again they're going to spill. She stares at her knees and the doctor's voice is gentle as she says,

"Rory, this is a very difficult time. Having a baby can be overwhelming. It's normal to feel anxious and the way you're feeling."

Rory nods, still not daring to look up, and the doctor says, "I think we should have another appointment where we can go over this more deeply. Does that work for you?"

"Yes," Rory whispers and the doctor scribbles down something, passing the paper to her.

"Let's say this date for now and we can change it if you need to. I'll just finish your paperwork and then we're done. You're doing fine, Rory."

Rory goes over to the bassinet and lifts Charlotte out, burying her head in her daughter's neck. At least breastfeeding doesn't hurt anymore, she wants to joke, but all can do is smile and leave.

Jess is working at Truncheon today so the apartment is empty by the time Rory and Charlotte get back, but there's a missed call on Rory's cell. Charlotte is crying, so Rory feeds and changes her before putting her down and getting her purse out. She takes out the pill prescription she agreed to in case and can't help smirking. Sex, what's that? Another distant memory. Rory picks up the phone to call Jess but suddenly a wave of exhaustion hits. Rory sinks down into a chair, closing her eyes. It's okay how she feels - normal. She's allowed to feel this way. Somehow she feels like crying, an odd rush of relief, but instead Rory lays her head down and falls deeply asleep, the ache of her day behind her.


	44. Chapter 44

**Thanks for the feedback! Sorry for the gap between updates, I'm going through some stress in my personal life**

When Rory wakes up, Jess calls her back and asks how the appointment went.

"It was okay. A little hard."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I'm going back next week."

There's a small pause and the Jess asks,

"You okay?"

Rory opens her mouth to say yes and hesitates.

"I feel weird going," she admits. "I don't like feeling that I need to go."

Jess says gently, "It's brave, Rory. You should know that."

"I guess," Rory says quietly, looking at her hands as he says, "It is."

On Tuesday, Rory gets ready to go. She's mistimed it, she realises, ready too early, and sits down on the edge of the sofa. Time never does what you need it to. When you're rushing, it slips away and when you're waiting it trickles like sludge. If she goes now it'll be an extra twenty minutes in the waiting room. Reaching over, Rory picks up the book Paris got her at the baby shower and flicks through. The positions get more advanced as the book goes on and Rory bites back a smile. Doing any of that would result in a broken bone or at least bruising, but her amusements fades as she looks at the simpler stuff. All of it seems like too much in general. Rory closes the book, checks the time and gets up with a sigh. She doesn't want to sit around with her thoughts anymore.

It's thirty minutes in the waiting room all the same, as the previous appointment has overrun. Charlotte gets irritable, mewling at Rory, and tugging her hair. She's just starting to cry properly when Rory's called in, and mother and daughter are both harried as they enter.

"I'm so sorry," apologises the doctor. "I hope you weren't waiting too long."

"It's fine," Rory says automatically. She's too busy checking to see if Charlotte's still dry to answer honestly, and lets out a long breath as Charlotte settles. Her daughter seems distracted by the window, her eyes settled on the clouds scudding outside. Rory places the bassinet on a table facing it, and once Charlotte is calm for a full minute, takes a seat opposite.

"I didn't have a sitter," she says defensively and the doctor smiles.

"It's no trouble."

"Good."

Rory is quiet for a moment and the doctor asks, "Shall we get started?"

"I was waiting for you."

"Well, last time we talked about how you were feeling. You said things were a little hard."

Rory nods, sensing the closed off feeling again, and the doctor asks gently, "Do you want to talk about that a little more?"

"I don't know where to start," Rory says. She lets out a small laugh at how cliched it sounds, but the doctor says reasonably, "Start anywhere. Or I can ask you questions."

"What kind of questions?"

"You said you were feeling lonely. I was wondering how much so, on a scale of one to ten."

Rory shrugs. She waits, and the doctor waits, and finally Rory says,

"It depends on the day. I shouldn't feel this way.

"Lonely?"

"Any of it. Lonely - not enough - I should be happy."

"Why?"

"Why? Because I'm lucky," Rory says forcefully. "I have my mom, my friends and a boyfriend. I have a guy who loves me - really loves me. He's been there for me through all of it, and he loves Charlotte like she's his. I think of her as she is - as if he's her dad, I mean. He's more her father than the guy who got me pregnant. I'm not alone."

"So why do you feel lonely?" the doctor guesses and Rory nods.

"I feel guilty for feeling that. I want to just feel happy."

The doctor pauses and then says, "Rory, it's a hard time in your life. You have wonderful support but in a sense you are alone in this. You were pregnant, you gave birth and your life is different. You're alone with Charlotte a lot."

"I know - but I should feel happier."

"Rory, I don't think it's helpful to think about how you should feel. Your emotions aren't necessarily good or bad. It's natural to want to feel happy, but you aren't. That's okay."

"How is it okay?" Rory asks in a small voice. She bunches her hands in her lap and the doctor says, "Because you don't have to justify how you feel. And so many new mothers feel this way, you aren't alone in this at all. Getting mad at yourself isn't helping."

"I'm so mad at myself," Rory says quietly and the doctor leans forward.

"Why?"

"I messed up. It's my fault."

"Rory -"

Just then Charlotte starts screaming. With an apologetic look, Rory darts over to her daughter and picks her up, soothing her. Ten minutes later Charlotte's still crying and Rory gives up.

"I'm sorry, I think I have to take her home."

"I understand," the doctor says. "Can we meet again?"

"When?" Rory asks, bouncing Charlotte against her shoulder, and the doctor says, "I'm away next week, but the week after, perhaps? Unless you'd rather meet with someone else."

"No," Rory says. "I'll wait."

"Alright then."

"I probably won't have a sitter."

"It's fine with me."

Rory walks Charlotte back, unsure how she feels. The doctor made it all sound so simple, to allow herself to feel something other than happy, but it's too complicated, Rory thinks. Sometimes she feels everything at once. She calls Jess later, to tell him how it went, but it all jumbles in her mouth as tries.

"It was okay," she says weakly. "She was nice."

"I'm glad. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. Just missing you."

On Sunday night Jess is packing for Philadelphia when he pauses.

"Hey, I have a thought."

"What?"

"How about you and Charlotte come to Truncheon on Friday?"

Rory looks up at his expectant eyes and says, "We'd stay with you?"

"Yeah, why not? Everyone's been asking about you guys. You haven't been since that party we went to."

"Right," Rory says. She feels odd, thinking about the people asking, but smiles. "Sure."

"We could even have a late night. There's drinks with some new writers in the evening."

"And Charlotte's going to stay awake for that?"

"Maybe your mom and Luke could look after her."

"You mean they'd come with us?"

"I figured we could meet up in Philly on Saturday, and then they could look after her for the night."

"Have you asked them?" Rory asks. She feels almost dizzy and Jess takes her hand.

"No. I thought I'd run it by you. Does it seem okay?"

"Yes," Rory decides. "It's okay by me. You know, I can't picture a baby-free evening."

"Worth a shot, right?"

"Absolutely."

Is she going to have sex? Does she want to have sex? Rory lies awake that night, thinking. Her mind flits back to the pictures in the book and she giggles, imagining her and Jess trying one and falling over. She can't picture any of it and is suddenly nervous, almost as if she were a virgin again. Sex is once again a faroff, impossible thing, and a more reasonable anxiety whispers in her mind that she could get pregnant. She won't, Rory tells herself, it's fine, she's back on the pill, but her nervousness lingers. Then she worries that she won't enjoy it, that it won't be as good, and she can't relax at all.

"Rory Gilmore," she says out loud, "stop thinking things to death!"

She thinks too much or too little, she knows. Slowly, Rory lowers her hand down and touches herself. It's been so long since she's done that she's almost unsure. She touches herself again and again, closing her eyes, until the warmth bursts inside her and spills down her hand. Rory lies still for a moment, smiling. It's not all lost, at least.

On Friday Rory drives to Philadelphia. Luke and Lorelai are meeting her and Jess tomorrow, taking Charlotte for a quick trip to Stars Hollow, and Rory is both excited and uncertain. She had a brief panic earlier that week about what to wear to the event on Saturday. Rory knew all her old dresses wouldn't fit, and didn't want to wear the one she wore last time. Her heart was sinking at the prospect of shopping when suddenly she saw it at the back of her wardrobe; the blue dress Lorelai bought her for Christmas so many months ago. It looked loose enough to fit and it did. Rory could barely believe it, staring in the mirror. It fitted and she didn't look pregnant, she thought. She did a little jump in excitement and then hastily took it off. Charlotte was due a feeding soon and the last thing Rory needed was to get breast milk over her only good dress.

Rory is so focused on thinking about the evening that she barely registers the awful CD of nursery rhymes playing on repeat. Charlotte seems content, apart from one emergency stop for a diaper change, and then they're there, Jess coming out to greet them with a huge grin on his face.

"Hey, Rory! How's my girl?"

"Excited," Rory says as Charlotte lets out a burble. "She's missed you."

"And I've missed her. Come on Charlotte, let's go see where Daddy works!"

Jess leads the way and Rory follows, lugging the diaper bag. She's looking around for a place to set it down when there's a loud cry of, "Hey, Rory, good to see you!"

Rory looks up to see Chris and Matthew grinning, leaning over the bottom banister of the staircase, and tries to smile back.

"Hi! What are you guys doing here?"

"Well, we're not usually around," Matthew says, jumping down and going over. "But when Jess said you guys were coming, we had to make a trip. He's been raving for weeks."

"it's disgusting," Chris chimes in and they all laugh, Matthew adding, "And hypocritical. He called people crazy for getting so excited over something that drools or cries, and now look at him."

"Just look at my kid," Jess says, going over to them. "Isn't she the most beautiful baby you ever saw?"

"Jess, you're the kind of father you've always rolled your eyes at."

"A man can change. Look at her eyes."

"Hopeless," Matthew remarks, but he smiles and bends over. "She's very cute, I'll give her that."

Charlotte responds by letting out a loud cry and everyone laughs.

"I think she's hungry," Rory says. She dumps the bag in a corner and hurries over, picking up Charlotte. As she takes her around the corner, Rory hears Jess say,

"Charlotte's got Rory's eyes."

"Lucky kid," Chris says. "Imagine if she'd got the other guy's."

Rory feels herself blush but Jess says proudly, "She's Rory all over." Rory relaxes a little and when she goes back the guys smile at her. Chris and Matthew look a little sheepish but they dote on Charlotte a little more, teasing Jess again, and Rory lets herself laugh. Finally she and Jess go to the apartment and, in the corner of Jess's spare room is a crib, with a mobile hanging over it and filled with stuffed animals.

"Jess, when did you do this?"

"A few weeks ago."

"You never told me."

"I wanted it to be a surprise. What do you think?"

"I think it's perfect," Rory says honestly. "Thank you."

They spend the rest of the day walking around Philadelphia but it's hot, unsettling Charlotte, and they duck into a park, sitting in the shade.

"I think Charlotte'll like it here when she's older," Jess says, looking at the kids running around. "There's a playground over there too."

"She'll be here for the books," Rory grins. "She'll take everything from Truncheon and read here all day."

"Sounds about right." Jess squeezes her hand and says, "I love your book."

Rory nods, feeling oddly shy. Jess has told her so constantly that since he finished it but hasn't given it back yet.

"Finished with your notes yet?"

"Not quite."

"Are you writing what you want me to change?"

"No, just my thoughts."

"I'm nervous," Rory admits and Jess laughs, but in an understanding way.

"That comes with the job decription, right? Being a writer. You want people to read it and at the same time you totally hate the thought."

"That's it," Rory agrees. "And at the same time, you just can't stop writing."

"Never. It's like an itch."

They sit in silence, watching the sun start to soften, and turn to go back.

Luke and Lorelai arrive the next afternoon and they go to meet them for lunch. Charlotte is restless, having slept badly, and Rory is sleepy herself.

"Sorry," she says, yawning as she hugs her mother. "None of us slept that well. Charlotte doesn't like sleeping in new places."

"Neither did you. You were mad at me for a month in that potting shed, and honestly, I was kind of mad at me too."

"I swear she's doubled in weight too," Rory says. "It's harder to pick her up now."

"She's growing," Lorelai says simply. "And then she'll be a toddler and it's going to be ten times worse, trust me."

"Never," Jess cuts in. He picks Charlotte up from her bassinet and nuzzles her neck. "I can't imagine her getting bigger."

"Well, believe it," Luke says and they all look at him. "Hey, I used to visit Liz when Jess was small and one time he wanted to ride on my shoulders. It'd been a good few months and he was like a bag of potatoes, only potatoes don't kick relentlessly into my side."

"Sorry," Jess smirks and Lorelai says, "Be prepared. That's all we're saying. Speaking of, Rory, I think you're ready enough."

"What?" Rory asks, head snapping up, and Lorelai says in amusement, "The diaper bag, honey. It's been checked twice already."

"By me too," Jess adds and Rory smiles, sitting back.

"Sorry. I just don't want her to miss something."

"We've got everything she needs."

"I just want to be sure."

They spend the next few hours walking around the neighbourhood and Truncheon, and finally Luke says they should go before hitting traffic. Rory is just passing Charlotte to Lorelai when her daughter starts crying.

"What's wrong?" Lorelai asks. She bounces Charlotte up and down and looks over at Rory.

"She's not making a diaper face."

"I think it's a hungry cry," Rory groans. "I didn't feed her that long ago either."

"Allow me." Jess reaches into the diaper bag and picks out a bottle. Taking Charlotte, he rests her in the crook of his arm and places the bottle in her mouth. "You've got an appetite just like your mom's."

Charlotte frowns for a moment and then starts to feed. Rory smiles, watching Jess who's watching Charlotte with a tender smile on his face. Charlotte drinks half the bottle and then stops, letting out a small burp as Jess winds her. Rory gives her one last kiss and Jess rests Charlotte in Lorelai's arms. "I think she's good to go."

"Us too," Lorelai says, patting Jess's arm and kissing Rory goodbye. "Have fun, sweets. And call us if you need anything."

"And same here. Call me, I mean."

"Promise. Bye, you guys."

There's a small silence after they leave and Rory and Jess look at each other.

"So," Jess says. "Two hours before we have go to this thing. Want to grab dinner?"

"Let's do pizza."

The two hours aren't as peaceful as Rory had hoped; there's a wait for the food and then they're both thinking about the time. They make small talk and Rory keeps automatically glancing at the space beside them, checking on an imaginary Charlotte.

"She's fine," Jess says, answering her thoughts, and Rory smiles, embarrassed. "I know."

They hurry back to the apartment and hastily shower, each being as fast as possible before the hot water runs out. Jess throws on a suit and Rory expresses milk before putting on the dress. She dabs on some mascara and eyeliner before coming out and saying, "Well?"

Jess stares, smiles and says, "Wow."

"I'll take that as a compliment. I don't look like someone's mom?"

"You look like Rory."

"Is that a yes or no?"

"You look amazing," Jess says, going to kiss her and Rory smiles. "I didn't look so amazing before I got it on."

"I beg to differ."

They grin but then Jess's phone chimes and he groans.

"That means it's time to go. Come on."

The evening is more relaxed than the event last time, but Rory's dress doesn't change feeling like a mom. When she isn't worrying about Charlotte people ask about her and Rory describes her so much she feels as though her daughter's in her arms. Rory drinks ginger ale after ginger ale and a woman with some connection or another asks, "Where's that adorable baby we've heard so much about?"

"She's with her grandparents," Rory says and Jess gets his phone out. "Look - that's her today. Isn't she gorgeous?"

"Oh, she's beautiful. She looks like she could be yours."

Jess tries to smile, putting the phone back, and Rory catches the look of hurt on his face. It hurts her too, cutting to the quick, and she clutches the glass. She wants to take Jess's arm, leave right away, but they have to stand around for another hour. They walk back in silence and Rory feels her breasts harden. She begs them not to leak, not until she's got the dress off, and then her mind rushes back to Jess.

"I'm sorry," she says and he shrugs.

"Nothing to be sorry about."

"I'm sorry anyway."

They walk quietly back to the apartment, the heat pressing despite the late hour. Rory's sadness gets mixed in with anger; anger at herself, the doctor and the woman. She can't make it better. Rory goes straight into the bathroom, where she quickly removes the sodden pads from her bra and expresses her milk. She sighs, closing her eyes, and her heart aches for Charlotte, so many miles away. When she's done she takes her time, washing her hands and brushing her hair before going out. Her makeup is only a little smudged and Rory doesn't bother wiping it off. Silently, she goes back out, pouring a glass of water and taking a sip. Jess has made them some toast and he hands her a slice.

"None of the food there was any good. That pizza feels forever ago."

"Thanks."

"Feels so weird without Charlotte being here with us."

"Yeah, I know."

Rory eats without talking, staring straight ahead and then jumps as Jess says,

"What's wrong?"

"I don't know."

"Yes, you do."

Rory looks up in surprise and Jess insists, "Don't be passive-aggressive, just tell me!"

"Don't be passive-aggressive?! I'm not! I'm not trying to be anything!"

"You're not telling me what's wrong."

"I don't - it's not easy."

"I'm not saying it's easy, I'm saying - I'm saying, talk to me! Please, just talk."

Rory rubs her hand along her head for a moment and says, "I don't like where we are."

"What does that mean?"

"It means, I don't like that these people are bothered by us. Or that you're bothered by it."

"Who says I'm bothered by it?" Jess demands and Rory exclaims, "I saw your look! When that lady said Charlotte looks like you!"

"Okay, fine! It does bother me! Sometimes, it does!"

Rory folds her arms and Jess goes on angrily, "Sometimes, I don't like how it is. Sometimes I wish it were how they think - that it's the whole storybook setup. I can't help it. It hurts that she doesn't live here, sleep through the night here, that she's Logan's daughter too."

Rory bites her lip and Jess looks into her eyes.

"But I don't want to change things."

"You just said you do."

"Yes, I'm human, or whatever. But I love you. I know you're not ready to move yet. I love Charlotte, and if it were different, she wouldn't be who she is and I would never want her any other way. I don't care if it's not like a kids' book. We're still a family."

"We are," Rory says, letting her arms drop. "And I love you, and nothing's changed that, but I'm not always happy. I don't know why, but I'm not."

"It's okay."

"That's what the doctor said. I'm not fully sold on that."

"Well, I am."

"I'm still getting there," Rory says, after a pause. "I want to be there sooner. I didn't say more about it, because I don't know yet. About how I feel."

"I'm here," Jess says, reaching to stroke her hair. "And I love you."

"I love you too. That I'm sure on."

Rory smiles, and then leans over to kiss him. He kisses her back, hard, and Rory gasps a little. She runs her hands over Jess's back and starts undoing the buttons on his shirt, feeling him harden against her leg. Rory feels the nervousness again only it's mixed in with thrill and she smiles against Jess's mouth. _We're doing this_.

Jess slips the dress down and Rory unclasps her bra. He takes her in his arms, kissing her breasts, whispering, _is this okay?_ Rory nods, kissing him back, and leads him to the bed. He gently pulls off her underwear, slipping his hand inside, and then Rory pulls him forward. She tugs down his pants, his boxers, and holds her to him. _Yes - now_. He kisses her neck and slips in slowly, looking at Rory, and she smiles, sure, tangling her hand in his hair. He moves faster and faster and then Rory cries out, feeling her release, and he drops down onto her chest, panting as he finishes. He smiles at Rory, moving to lie beside her and Rory giggles happily.

"What?" he asks, amused. "Not me, is it?"

"No - nothing. Let's lie still."

Jess puts his arms around her and they nestle close together, breathing each other in.


	45. Chapter 45

**Thanks for the feedback! I can't believe I've been writing this for a year!**

Rory wakes later that night and stirs, confused. She is lost for a moment in where she is and then looks down to see Jess beside her, fast asleep. Rory smiles, sitting up, and then feels an odd sensation on her chest. Touching herself, she realises her milk is flowing and she gasps. As she moves Jess wakes and sleepily he asks, "What's up?"

"I'm leaking - my boobs, I mean."

Jess switches on the lamp and Rory sees the milk spilling down herself and onto the sheets.

"I'm sorry," she says, embarrassed. "I didn't think of it happening."

"No big deal," Jess says and Rory adds, "Well, at least it wasn't during sex."

"All part of it, huh?" Jess remarks and Rory smiles, going to the bathroom and letting the rest of the milk flow. The rush of it makes her miss Charlotte and she half wants to call her mother but Rory resists, knowing it wouldn't be appreciated. She stares in the mirror, feeling almost as she did when losing her virginity. She's had sex, an event Rory nearly believed would never happen, and it was more and less than she'd imagined. Washing the milk away, Rory goes back to Jess, who's sitting up and flipping through a magazine.

"Get back here," he says, grinning, and Rory climbs into bed, leaning into the arm he puts around her.

"You okay?"

"Yeah - just sleepy. And thinking."

"What about?"

"Nothing, really. Sorry I woke you."

"I don't mind."

"Hey," Rory says, smiling. "We had sex."

"Yeah, we did," Jess says, cupping her hip with his spare hand. "Pretty amazing, or was that just me?"

"Definitely not just you. Way better than the book made me think."

"What?"

"Forget it."

Jess kisses the top of her head, turns off the light and they both slip back into sleep.

Rory gets up early the next morning. This time she's able to express her milk before it leaks but isn't tired enough to go back to sleep. Jess is sound asleep, snoring, and Rory knows it would keep her up. Instead, she showers, makes a cup of coffee and wanders back over to the bedroom, considering reading in bed. Rory's eyes catch Jess's desk and on it her manuscript, with his notes. In a moment she is over there and sitting, turning the pages and flicking through. Jess's notes jump from the margins and Rory laughs out loud at some of them. Others make her frown, considering, and she bites her lip when, next to her passages about being lonely at Yale, Jess has written _this has a Virginia Woolf feel to it_ and _I knew you weren't okay_. He knew she wasn't okay? Rory didn't know she wasn't okay. She didn't know how alone she'd felt until she met Logan, and had someone to see and somewhere to go in her free time, next to Stars Hollow. When she lived at home, it hadn't felt bad that she had few friends at Chilton. It didn't matter, because her world was Stars Hollow. She had Lorelai and Lane and the entire universe of fiction. That was still there, of course, when she went to college, but books weren't enough. She needed real people too, and they weren't there. Rory visited, but it wasn't the same. Everyone else made friends, found their place, and she was looking out on the sidelines. Rory silently wondered what was wrong with her. And then she met Logan, and he said she was special, and she went into his world. The elusive world Lorelai so distrusted. Rory was thrilled by it, most of the time, but every so often she'd look up and feel like a stranger. She'd buried it until Jess showed up, when she was living with her grandparents, and said, this isn't you. Rory knew he was right, and wished she'd been a little braver. It was how she'd described herself previously, she locked the doubt in. Rory never enjoyed looking messy and confused.

Sipping her coffee, Rory flicks some of the pages back to before she'd left home. She finds the description of first meeting Jess and laughs and laughs at his note. Her amusement wakes Jess up and he yawns, rubbing his eyes.

"What? What's so funny?"

"Oh - I was reading your notes. I hope that's okay."

"It's your book," Jess shrugs. "I'm not done yet though."

"I know - I'm sorry. I saw it there and couldn't resist."

Jess gets up, stretches and goes over to the desk.

"Care to tell me what all the mirth's about?"

Rory shows him the page where Jess has written, underlined, _it did not happen like that!_

"It did happen like that!" Rory insists, giggling. "You asked me to bail to try and act tough, and when I was distracted you stole my book."

"I borrowed it, and I was not trying to act tough."

"You did try and impress me with magic tricks," Rory acquiesces. "What were you trying to do then?"

"I was trying something," Jess says with a smirk. "I was hoping we'd make out or something."

"Ha! I knew it!"

"That wasn't acting tough!" Jess protests, putting his hands up. "That was trying to get a little action."

"Which you didn't get."

"Nope, you saw through my plan."

"I don't know about that," Rory says. "I was pretty naïve. I think I really did believe you just wanted to walk around or something."

"Well, that would have happened too. I was going to try and get you to show me the sights."

"Uh huh," Rory remarks, rolling her eyes. "You still succeeded in taking my book."

"Yeah, you call me a scruffy Ginsberg scholar."

"Is that too strong?"

"No, I just never thought of myself like that. I mean, I read everything."

"Including Jane Austen," Rory grins, remembering their dinner with Paris. "Maybe I'll change it to a scholar of all."

"Better," Jess agrees. "You make my magic tricks sound a little pathetic, too."

"Not pathetic. Whimsical!"

"Huh."

Jess turns over more of the pages and Rory says haltingly, "How did you know I was lonely?"

"When?"

"When I went to Yale. How did you know? When I've written about you showing up, my first winter there, and you kept running away, you've said there was a _lonely light in my eyes._ We barely talked. You told me you loved me and then you left. Do you really remember that?"

Jess pauses for a moment and then says, "I thought you looked sad. It's not totally clear, it's been years, but I remember that. I remember you were walking alone everywhere."

"But I did that anyway," Rory says. "It's not like I was joined at the hip - I mean, Mom and I were super close but I spent a lot of time alone."

"It was different," Jess insists. "Your mom yelled at me, after I was a jerk to Luke, and she brought you up and told me you were very happy, as I recall, and I thought that was crap. I just knew it was crap. I saw you before you saw me, at the festival, and you were waiting in line. There was a kind of loneliness in your face, the way you stood - I don't know," he says quickly. "I didn't have anything to go on. It just seemed that way."

"You were right," Rory says, looking down. "I remember thinking that I was doing Yale wrong. Like there was some kind of test I hadn't passed, or some class no one had told me to go to, but they all knew. They all figured it out, but I hadn't. And I thought about you, a lot. I wondered if you were okay, and then I'd be mad at you, and then I'd be sad, and it was like this kind of cycle in my head."

"I'm sorry."

Jess is staring at her thoughtfully and Rory shakes herself, embarrassed.

"God - it was years ago. We were kids."

But she can't shake the loneliness the memories have flung up and even after she and Jess have had breakfast and gone back to Stars Hollow, Rory is still feeling it as she scoops up Charlotte. She's thirty-two and nineteen all at the same time and, as she kisses her daughter, her mind whispers uncertainty and she doesn't feel ready. She is still moving to what she needs to find.


	46. Chapter 46

**Thanks for the feedback! Happy New Year!**

Rory walks up and down her apartment. Charlotte is asleep, the night is still and the world is dozing but Rory can't rest. She lay in bed for hours, staring at the ceiling, hearing the sounds of the New York streets outside. Nothing could get her to rest. She turned on the light, read for a while and then tried looking at the notes on her book but nothing worked. Giving up, Rory tiptoed out and made herself a cup of coffee, thinking as she sipped how ironic it was that Charlotte was finally sleeping and Rory couldn't sleep herself. The apartment is airless. Rory opens a window and a rush of hot air slips in, making the room all the more stifling. All Rory can think about is how she misses Jess. She wishes he was here, or she was there, and gets out her phone and starts a text. She half-types a message before putting the phone down, it's too late and Rory doesn't want to risk waking him. _I miss you_ , she thinks, sending the love out, and hopes Jess feels it all the same.

The next day is Rory's appointment. It's another scorching morning and Charlotte fusses as Rory gets her into the bassinnet. Charlotte is really too big for it now, and Rory knows she should pick up the pram Lorelai has ready for her. But right now it's not an option, and Rory absently kisses the top of her daughter's head, wiping the sweat off her brow, and sets off. It takes them longer than usual, the air thick and muggy, and Rory stops to drink water five times along the way. When they finally get there Charlotte needs her diaper changed, and Rory is rushed when she eventually sits down.

"Hello," says the doctor warmly. "How's everything?"

"Hot," Rory says honestly. "And gross. I feel gross, I mean, but the weather doesn't help."

"It certainly doesn't," the doctor agrees. "My mother grew up without air conditioning and I don't know how she bore it."

"When I was a kid, we didn't have any," Rory tells her. "We used this giant fan."

"Where did you grow up?"

"In this little town called Stars Hollow. We had a house - we moved in when I was eleven - but my mom worked at an inn, and we used to live in a potting shed at the back of the property. My mom would open the windows as far as possible in summer, but because it was so hot it never made a difference. I thought it last night - I have aircon, but the room felt so sticky I opened the window and it was worse outside."

Rory laughs a little but then feels a little awkward and the doctor asks,

"Did you mind living in the potting shed?"

"No," Rory says sincerely. "Kids would make fun of me at times, and sometimes it was too hot or too cold, but I liked it. I liked sharing a bed with my mom and how cosy it all was, and how nice she made it. Mom would say it was our own little apartment. And even though the TV broke a lot and the water was usually cold, I didn't mind. Sometimes we'd sleep over at the inn, where Mom worked. If there was a room free Mia - the manager - would let us stay overnight and we'd watch TV in bed and take long showers and pretend we were in a movie. It was fun."

Rory smiles at the memory and then adds, "When we did move, I liked having my own room. I didn't think I would, but I liked the space. My grandmother visited me once, when I was sixteen, and I showed her the potting shed and she was so horrified. It's strange - it's such a special place for me but she just saw it as the worst home in the world."

"Do you understand why?" the doctor says and Rory nods.

"Of course I get it. Mom left her beautiful house to live there. I said to Mom how I wished we had a place like that, and she was so sad. She didn't say anything but I knew. And now -"

Rory falters and the doctor presses, "Now, what?"

"Now I think I get it more. Grandma asked me to stay with her, and I said I'd rather be in my apartment and she was sad. But it's my place. Only now I...I don't know."

"What don't you know?" the doctor asks gently and Rory bites her lip.

"I'm lonely there. It feels sad, when Jess isn't there."

"Do you want to stay in the apartment?"

"I don't know." Rory looks at her hands for a long beat, and eventually says, "I feel as if I'm being pulled in two."

"How so?"

"My mom never stayed with anyone," Rory says slowly. "She'd meet a guy, be with him for a month or so, and then break up. And then when she met Max - this guy who used be my teacher - she freaked out when things got serious. He sort of talked her down and they got engaged, but then she called it off right before the wedding. And my dad asked her to marry him, and she wouldn't, and I was so mad at her. I never said so, but I thought that it was her fault. That if she tried harder and didn't run, Dad would want to get it together. He'd marry her and we'd really be a family." Rory lets out a small laugh and says, "It sounds so stupid now."

"No."

"I know it doesn't work like that. Dad never got it together. When it finally seemed like he was ready, his girlfriend got pregnant and he chose her. I'm glad he didn't bail on the kid, but he still could have stayed with us and he didn't. I never forgave him. We made up, kind of, but I didn't hope in that way anymore."

"It must have been hard."

Rory nods, shrugs a little, and goes on, "Mom told me she ran from love too much and didn't want me to. And I never thought of breaking up with anyone. I felt like it would be letting her down. Or being too like her, I guess."

"That's a lot to carry around as a teenager. And now."

"Well, I broke up with Logan," Rory remarks. "And then I found out I was pregnant."

"Still, you didn't go back to him."

"He was getting married," Rory says but shakes her head when the doctor asks, "Did you want, all the same? Or continue seeing him like you were?"

"Part of me wanted to," she elaborates. "But I knew we were done. It was all done."

She goes silent, jumping when Charlotte lets out a burble. Rory checks on her, kissing her cheek, but is quiet again as she sits back down and the doctor leans forward.

"Can you tell me what's upsetting you?"

"I'm too much like Mom and not enough," Rory says, after a pause. "I'm enough like her that I let relationships screw things up. Or not letting it work - not talking - I don't know. But I don't like that I feel lonely in my apartment. My mom never minded being alone."

"Are you sure about that?"

"I knew she was okay."

"You were a child."

The doctor's tone isn't dismissive but Rory insists, "I know she was. She said she was sad, but I knew she was okay. I don't like that being there isn't enough for me."

"Why?"

"Because it makes me feel like I'm not strong," Rory says, her voice wobbling. "Not enough."

The doctor doesn't say anything and Rory swallows, feeling a dangerous burning in her throat.

"I want to move out," she says eventually. "I want to live with Jess. But I'm scared that if I do that, it's not going to work. That I'll mess it up. Or it shows I'm not enough."

"In what way?"

"Like I can't make it on my own. Everyone tells me not to think this way, but I can't help it."

"What would you do if it didn't work out?" the doctor asks, after a pause, and Rory wipes the tear that trickled down her cheek.

"I don't know. I guess I'd live with my mom, find a new apartment. I'd figure something out."

"Exactly. You would figure something out. And you figured something out when you found out you were pregnant."

"I don't know how good a job I did."

"You took care of yourself and Charlotte."

Rory smiles, looking over at her, but frowns and says, "I don't want my kid to look at me and think I couldn't do it."

"Rory, you said you love Jess. It's not going against your independence to live with someone you love. You've waited and now it sounds like you're ready to take that step."

"I'm scared it's going to fall apart," Rory confesses, feeling herself cry a little. "I'm scared I'll screw it up and he'll leave and it's not fair, I know it's not fair, but I can't stop thinking it."

"Rory, I can't answer for Jess," the doctor says gently. "But I think those fears are amplified by your anxiety and because you love him. You're afraid to let him down because you love him."

Rory nods, sniffling, and the doctor adds, "It is a scary thing. Taking a big step, especially with a baby. And not having many friends near you. It's okay to feel that."

"I don't know what to do."

"Talk to him," the doctor says. "And to your friends, and yourself."

"Myself?" Rory asks, laughing, and the doctor smiles.

"Be honest with your feelings. Write them down if you like."

"I've made pro and con lists my entire life," Rory admits sheepishly. "They always help."

"Well, there you go."

They smile across the desk and then the doctor says, "Our time's up."

"Oh - okay. Thanks."

Rory gets up and lifts Charlotte up. She squawks a little, reaching out, and Rory knows she's hungry.

"Talk to Jess," the doctor says again. "And be gentle with yourself, Rory. It's not wrong for things to be hard."

Rory thanks her again, takes Charlotte outsides and starts to feed her, her mind absent as her daughter eats.

When Rory gets back there's a missed call on her phone from Jess. She calls him back, Jess answering on the second ring, and says, "Hey, I was just thinking about you?"

"Oh yeah? Dirty?"

"Get your mind out of the gutter," Rory laughs. Usually she and Jess would banter back and forth but Rory is quiet and, noticing, Jess asks, "What's up?"

"Nothing. I just went to my appointment."

"Was it okay?"

"It was fine. I'm fine."

"Okay," Jess says after a pause. "How's my girl?"

"She misses you," Rory says, looking down at her. "And so does her mom."

"I miss you guys too. Can't wait til Friday."

"Hey, Jess," Rory says, "can we come to you this time?"

"Sure," Jess says, sounding pleasantly surprised. "Any particular reason?"

"Just feel like it. Is that okay?"

"It's great. I'll see you then."

On Friday Rory sets off as soon as she can. She feels a little nervous, in almost a teenage sort of way, and catches her mind mid-wander several times on the drive. Jess is waiting outside for them and is over before Rory has even finished getting out of the car, helping her out and unbuckling Charlotte from her carseat. Jess kisses her and kisses Rory and, indignant, Charlotte pulls his hair. Laughing, they head inside and upstairs, Charlotte burbling all the way.

"She's getting her word in before she can even talk," Jess chuckles and Rory smirks.

"I think you'll find she's telling you she needs a diaper change."

"Or that she misses her daddy," Jess says, but he catches the smell and wrinkles his nose. "Or that."

"Probably both," Rory consoles. Jess heads straight to the bathroom, emerging five minutes later with a pained expression. He hands a clean Charlotte to Rory and pours himself a glass of water.

"I need to invest in some of those nose plugs," he comments. "The ones for swimming - I bet they'd work for this too."

"You might be onto something," Rory says. She jiggles Charlotte who burrows into her front, and Rory sighs. "She's not done yet."

Sitting on the couch, Rory feeds Charlotte and then puts her down for a nap. Jess comes in, slipping an arm around Rory and they wait until Charlotte settles into sleep.

"She looks so small in that crib," Jess whispers and Rory nods, smiling.

"Guess we'd better enjoy it now. She'll be too big for it soon."

"Not that soon."

"It'll feel it," Rory says knowingly. They look at her a little longer, Jess squeezing Rory's hand, before turning and tiptoing ito the living room. Jess makes some coffee and, handing a cup to Rory, asks, "What did you want to talk about?"

"How'd you know I wanted to talk about something?"

"I could tell. You were all distant on the phone. What's up?"

"Jess," Rory says hesitantly, putting the cup down, "I think I want to move in."

She says it to her lap before daring to look up. Jess is staring and she adds, "With you, I mean. I want to move in with you."

"Are you serious?" Jess is starting to smile and Rory smiles too. "If you'll have me."

"No way," Jess laughs and then exclaims, "Yes way, I mean. I want you here."

"You'll have me?" Rory teases uncertainly and Jess grins, putting his own drink down and moving over to her. "You know it, Gilmore."

He kisses her, stroking the hair behind her ears and Rory kisses him back, pulling him toward her. She was going to talk to him properly, have a serious conversation, but kissing is good, too good, and she half-mumbles, "Jess..."

"What?"

"We should talk."

"Yeah," Jess says, moving closer. "But can it wait for now?"

"I guess," Rory says, brushing the thought away, and going back to kissing. Jess kisses her heavily and Rory feels him harden against her, and his hand slips under her shirt. Grinning, she moves her own under his and runs her hands over his warm skin. Jess moans into her mouth and moves to her bra, fiddling with the clasp.

"Here?" Rory giggles, sitting up a little. It almost feels like being eighteen again and going a little further on Luke's couch, and Jess smirks, shrugging. "Here's a pretty good spot."

Rory can't argue with that. She lifts her shirt up and over her head, as Jess removes her bra, and then pulls his own shirt off. They kiss again, Rory enjoying the warmth of his skin on hers, and then Jess starts kissing her chest and Rory lies against the cushions, dizzy. He kisses and kisses her and then reaches for the buckle on her jeans. Rory reaches to help undo it, get her jeans off, and his own, and then her mind is fuzzy again as Jess reaches into her underwear. He kisses her legs, her tummy, moving his fingers in her wetness and just as Rory can't bear it any longer Jess pulls the underpants down and kisses her there. Rory's breathing grows ragged and she holds the back of his head as he tastes her, and just as she cries out he shifts and pushes into her, resting his head on her neck. Jess moves as she comes, and then again, and Rory wraps her legs around his until he comes as well, panting. They lie for a moment, not talking, and then Jess looks at her and smiles. Rory smiles too, clutching his hand, still feeling a little out of breath.

"Wow," she says and then Jess starts laughing and Rory giggles too.

"What? What is it?"

"Nothing. It was incredible. I used to picture something like that when we were on the couch, all those times at Luke's."

"Me too," Rory admits, feeling a faint eighteen-year-old shyness. "But I never figured it'd happen."

"It wouldn't have," Jess says cheerfully. "Not like that, anyway. We were kids, practically."

"Even if we had done something like that, I wouldn't have relaxed. I'd be picturing Mom or Luke coming in."

"Oh yeah?" Jess teases, kissing her shoulder. "I seem to remember us kissing for a pretty long time."

"Ten-minute intervals, remember?"

"We could get a lot done in ten minutes," Jess chuckles. "And honestly, I don't think anything else would have lasted a lot longer."

"Probably for the best we didn't."

"I'll say."

They grin at each other and then Jess slides off Rory. They pick up their clothes and Jess asks,

"Hey, do you want a shower? I was going to ask that when you got here."

"You thought I stank?" Rory jokes, pretending to be offended.

"Just a long time in a car."

"I obviously couldn't smell that bad after that," Rory grins. "Though I think there's still spitup on my shirt."

"I'll throw it in the washing machine," Jess says. "Go on, the water's hot. It only freezes intermittantly now."

Rory grins and heads for the shower. She soaps herself all over, enjoying the thrum that's still between her legs, but still feels a little nervous, thinking about their talk. When she's done Rory wraps a terryrobe around herself and goes to check on Charlotte whom, to her great relief, is still sound asleep. Rory dresses in the clothes she brought with her and makes more coffee, the previous drinks having gone cold.

When Jess emerges, he sits next to Rory, wiping the water from his neck and sticking the towel on a radiator. "So we should talk," he says. He sounds serious but holds her hands and asks, "What made you decide?"

"I miss you," Rory says. She feels nervous but plunges on, "I really miss you, Jess. It feels wrong not living with you. There's no reason not to."

"But what about the other stuff you said?"

Rory takes a deep breath.

"It's still a thing," she says cautiously. "I'm still nervous. I was talking to the doctor about it and that I'm worried it'll make me feel like I'm going to mess up. Or I'm less independent or something."

"That's not -"

"I know," Rory says quickly. "But I still think it, kind of. I'm working on it."

"What changed your mind?"

"I love you," Rory says, feeling shy suddenly. "I miss you, and I want to be with you. And my apartment's okay, but I'm not with you there."

"I miss you too," Jess says quietly.

"Can we try?" Rory asks, looking up. "Even with all this?"

"We should," Jess says firmly. "I want to."

"I'm sorry," Rory says, looking away. "I know it's been hard."

"I love you," Jess says, finding her eyes. "We can figure out the rest."

"I love you too." Rory smiles into his eyes and meets his kiss. Rory tastes the peppermint of his toothpaste and then jumps as there's a loud cry. Getting up, she comes back with Charlotte who's howling, stretching her arms out.

"Oh, it's okay, baby," Rory says, kissing her cheek and Jess takes her, holding Charlotte close to him.

"We're all here, Charlotte," he says gently. "We're going to be fine."


	47. Chapter 47

**Thanks for the feedback!**

Three weeks later Rory started packing up the apartment. One evening, she walks up and down the space between the living room and kitchen, Charlotte in her arms.

"This is where you started," Rory tells her gently. "I came here when I found out about you. We started here."

Charlotte looks up at her, her blue eyes damp. She's been crying on and off all evening, mirroring her mother's mood. Rory kisses the top of her head and looks out over the buildings, remembering the first night she moved in. Everything was still in boxes, but felt more like limbo than permanance. Rory remembers looking out at that view, her world turned upside down, and feeling a kind of determination. She didn't know what to do, where she was going, but there was a steely resolve inside her. She'd make this work, somehow. She was her mother's daughter, after all.

There's a knock on the door, breaking Rory's thoughts, and she walks over. Lorelai is outside, a pile of cardboard in one arm and a plastic box in the other.

"More boxes," she says by way of greeting, stopping to kiss Charlotte's cheek. "And baked goods."

"Baked goods?" Rory asks, stepping aside to let her mother in. "Where did they come from?"

"Sookie whipped them up. She was in town today, and when she heard she had an apron on faster than Martha Stewart."

"Where'd she find a kitchen?"

"Hello? It's Sookie. The Dragonfly is still her kitchen, no matter what."

"True. Thank her for me. And thank you, for bringing all this up!"

"No problem," Lorelai says, holding out her arms. "Let me see the real reason I came up here!"

Rory rolls her eyes and laughs, passing Charlotte over and watches Lorelai smother her with kisses.

"How's my little granddaughter? Why the tears?"

"She's not hungry and she doesn't need changing," Rory says. "I think she's just sad. I don't know, she's a baby and I'm probably being dumb, but I think she knows we're moving. I think she's kind of unsure."

"Doesn't sound dumb," Lorelai says, rocking Charlotte back and forth. "Babies can pick up on stuff."

"She doesn't understand."

"No, but she can sense it. She knows something's changing."

"She won't remember living here."

Rory's voice is sad and Lorelai looks up over Charlotte's head.

"You okay, hon?"

"I'm fine, I just - it's weird, now that we're moving," Rory says, her throat tight. "I want to move, I'm excited, but it's sad too. It's harder than I thought it would be."

"Oh sweetie."

"I keep remembering moving here," Rory says. "You know, before Charlotte was even Charlotte. And then when she was born, and it was hard, but she was here, and I was trying to figure things out, like when I moved in. And I guess I did. I became a mom here. I don't know, I just wish she could remember it. She won't, and it's okay - of course it is, we'll be with Jess - but I wish there was a way she could."

Rory's voice breaks off and she looks down. Lorelai takes her hand, looking into her eyes.

"It was a big time," she says gently. "You know, in your life. It's going to be strange. I get that you want Charlotte to remember. But you can come back here, with her."

"It won't be the same. Someone else will live here, and even if they hadn't...places always change when you move away. For me, at least."

"Yeah, for me too," Lorelai says quietly and Rory exhales.

"It wasn't even happy," she goes on. "Most of the time. But it was special, too, and I wish we could both remember it."

"Maybe in a way she will."

"Mom, she won't. She's not even six months old."

"Not in that kind of way," Lorelai says thoughtfully. "But maybe she'll remember the sense of it, somehow. Even if she doesn't know it. But even if she can't, you've got pictures and stories and she'll feel like she does. It's not good enough, but it's better than nothing."

"I guess," Rory says. She's quiet for a moment and Lorelai squeezes her hand.

"It's alright to be sad over it. You can be happy and sad about moving. I think of it as a kind of joke from the universe, or whatever you want to call it. You get to a place you want to be, and then you're sad about everything you wanted to get through before. Rose-tinted glasses, or whatever."

Rory looks up and Lorelai laughs, shaking her head. "Well, check me out, being all philosophical. One candy bar too many."

"No, I think you're right," Rory muses. "I'm going to miss it here. I don't want to stay here, but I'll miss some of it. I don't know."

Charlotte dozes off in Lorelai's arms. Carefully, Lorelai gets up and places Charlotte in her crib, one of the few things which hasn't been packed up yet. When her granddaughter stays asleep, Lorelai tiptoes over to the kitchen and makes some coffee, bringing the cups back to the couch. Rory accepts the drink gratefully and for a moment they sit in silence, blowing over their cups and taking boiling sips. Rory looks across the steam to her mother.

"Mom, what if it doesn't work out?"

"What makes you think it won't?"

"I don't know - but what if it doesn't?"

"If it doesn't...it doesn't," Lorelai says, after a pause. "You come stay with me and start over. You begin again."

"I know."

"Then why are you asking?" Lorelai's voice is kind but Rory shrugs, looking away and Lorelai sighs.

"I think you and I have a bad deal," she says. "Where we look at guys, and imagine the worst. Not in them, or us, but we figure it won't work, right?"

"You told me not to run from relationships."

"And then you said you were afraid to break up."

"I don't think that with Jess," Rory says thoughtfully. "I mean, I was worried about being with him for bad reasons before, but not so much now. I just have this fear that it's not going to work out, and I don't know why."

"With me, I always felt like I was doing it wrong," Lorelai says, clutching her hands around her cup. "My parents always said I should be with Chris. That kind of guy. And I didn't want that life, but for years a part of me thought I couldn't do it with someone else. That I was too...I don't know, not right, and they wouldn't understand. I told myself that. So I wouldn't hold on. I was afraid to try."

"You and Grandma always wanted me to have a different kind of guy," Rory says, with a small smile. "Remember? You loved Dean, a guy like that. But Grandma and Grandpa said he was too different from me, and I'd do better with a guy like Logan."

"You didn't stay with either of them."

"Nope, I'm with Jess. You both hated him. Ironic, isn't it?"

"I didn't hate him," Lorelai protests as Rory laughs a little. "I - okay, I disliked him a little. When he moved here at least. He was troubled and he was rude and I was afraid he'd get you into trouble. I was afraid he'd break your heart."

"He did a little. But so did Dean and Logan."

"I know," Lorelai admits. "It was a long time ago now. He's grown up, and so have you."

"I'm excited," Rory says. "But I just have this fear it'll get screwed up, somehow. Even if I know it's not true, it's there."

She takes a burning sip of coffee, gulping it down her throat. Her eyes water and Lorelai puts her arm around her.

"You love Jess and you're trying. You can't always make fears go away, but you're trying. And that's good, sweets. You're going to be fine. No matter what happens, you'll be fine."

Rory turns, letting Lorelai hug her, and asks again, "Are you sure you don't want to stay here tonight?"

"No, it's okay, angel. I've got to get the Dragonfly ready for an event and you've got a big day. What time is Jess getting here?"

"Eight."

"You and that little girl have quite the day ahead of you. Get some sleep."

"I will. But let's have one of these baked goods before you go."

Rory opens the box and delves her hand in, grinning.

"Score! There's brownies."

"And chocolate chip cookies. Let's mix and match."

Mother and daughter raise a respective treat and start to eat, giggling through the crumbs.

The next morning, Rory wakes up without the alarm. It's grey and dark outside, and she blinks her eyes open. Charlotte starts crying, demanding her breakfast and Rory picks her up, going over to the window. She sits in the bleary light, lifting her pyjama shirt for Charlotte and lies back in the chair. Rory can't believe the day to leave is here. When Charlotte is done Rory makes herself some breakfast, changes Charlotte and takes a shower. It's only when she dismantles the crib that Rory breaks into tears. Hot and salty, they fall across her cheeks without warning and Rory sobs loudly, unable to check them. The sound starts Charlotte off too and by the time Jess arrives mother and daughter are both in tears and he stares in alarm.

"Hey," he says, hurrying over and lifting Rory's face to his. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Rory sniffles and Jess raises his eyebrows. Rory laughs at herself a little, wiping a hand across her wet cheeks. "I think it's just hit me that I'm leaving."

"We don't have to leave right away."

"But it's still today. I'm finding it hard. I was doing okay until I took apart Charlotte's crib."

As if on cue, Charlotte cries loudly and Jess picks up her, softly wiping his thumbs over her face and kissing her cheeks. "Shh, angel." Walking up and down with her nestled into his shirt, Charlotte settles and then reaches up, trying to grab Jess's hair.

"Well, she's fine now," Rory says with a smile. Jess smiles too, putting Charlotte in her bassinett, but takes Rory's hands.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm okay. I'm just sad. I talked about it with Mom last night but it's still tough. I'm sorry."

"Why?"

"Because I want to move in, and I'm excited, but I can't help being sad."

"Nothing to be sorry for."

Jess kisses Rory's cheek and she leans over, kissing him properly. Jess runs a hand through her hair and asks,

"Do you want to stay a little longer? We don't have to be out of here until tonight."

"No, I want to start," Rory says decisively. "I'm just going to be sad for a while."

Jess nods, kissing her again, and then looks around.

"Does starting with kitchenware sound good?"

"Sounds great. I think with all this excitement Charlotte needs a new diaper, so I'm going to deal with that, but then I'm on kitchenware with you."

"Only the light boxes," Jess says. "Remember what the doctor said."

"Yeah, yeah." Rory grins, lifting up Charlotte, and takes her to the bathroom. As she finishes up, washing her hands and picking Charlotte back up, her cellphone rings. Hoisting her daughter to her hip, Rory goes back into the hall to answer.

"Hello?"

"Hey."

It's Logan and Rory's eyes widen. She was too frazzled to check the name as she picked up.

"Hi. What's going on?"

"I'm in an airport. I'm coming back soon."

"I thought you were going to be away for longer."

"We got sick. You don't want to hear the details."

"Oh." Rory bites back the mean smirk on her face, and then it recedes completely as Logan asks, "What's going on with you?"

"I'm actually about to move."

"What? Move where?"

"To Philadelphia," Rory says, after a pause. "I'm moving in with Jess."

There's a pause from Logan this time and then he says, "Wow."

"Yeah."

"I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything."

"What made this happen?"

"We've been together for a while. It felt like time."

There's another pause and then Logan says, "You wouldn't move into the place I offered you."

"Logan, you know it's not the same."

"Yeah," Logan says quietly. "I guess."

Neither say anything for a moment and then Rory says, "Logan, I really have to go."

"When were you going to tell me?"

Rory squeezes her eyes shut.

"When you got back."

"You weren't going to just send a change of address card?"

"Who sends cards anymore?" Rory jokes, but her voice is weary. "Logan, please. I don't want to fight over this. I don't have time."

"Clearly."

"Logan, we are not in a relationship anymore," Rory says firmly. "I wasn't keeping it from you, but even if I were, you can't get mad over it."

"You said we'd share things that'd affect Charlotte."

"Charlotte lives with me. All you have to do is drive a little further out of your way, and we'd probably still see you in Hartford anyway. And you've barely answered your emails to start with."

"I've been -"

"I know!" Rory exclaims angrily. "I know!" She takes a deep breath, closing her eyes once more. "Logan, I don't want to fight. Not now and not when you get back. If you're mad at me about this, talk to me properly. I don't want to have this out right now."

There's silence and then Logan says, "Sure,". He sounds annoyed but resigned and Rory can't help asking, "Are you mad that I didn't tell you right away or because I'll be with him?"

"Rory -"

"Never mind," Rory says. "I shouldn't have asked when I just said I didn't want to fight. Sorry."

"It's okay. It's a fair question."

He doesn't answer it but Rory's made her point. She hears footsteps as Jess comes back, and Rory says again, "Logan, I do have to go now."

"Okay. Odette will be back any second now."

"I hope she feels better," Rory says honestly. "I'll talk to you soon."

"Thanks. You don't hope I feel better, huh?" Logan asks with a chuckle. "I'll call you when we're home. Good luck with the move."

"Thanks."

Rory hangs up just as Jess pushes the door open.

"Who was that?"

"Logan. He's coming home early. He was a little mad that I didn't tell him about the move."

"Things bad between you two?"

"Just a little awkward." Rory slips the phone back in her pocket and says, "Here, let me take a box."

"I've got it," Jess says, picking up two. "They're heavy! Look, you can't carry a box and Charlotte at the same time. I'll be back in two minutes."

"Fine." Rory smiles, kissing his cheeks, and waits for his footsteps to recede. She's thankful to be alone for a moment. Lifting Charlotte up, she walks around one last time.

"We've got to say goodbye," she whispers to her daughter. "We're going to love our new home, angel. But I'm a little sad about leaving this one. Are you sad too?"

Charlotte looks uncertain, either in mood or at her mother, and then lets out a small cry.

"Oh, it's okay," Rory says, kissing her downy hair and stroking her cheek. "It's okay to be sad. I'll remember for both of us. We're both going to be good."

Rory lets her eyes drift shut, breathing the sadness in and out. She'll let herself be fine.


	48. Chapter 48

**Thanks for the feedback!**

The first week is perfect. After the first two days of unpacking and spats of stress over losing things in wrong boxes, life settles down. Charlotte too, after a few restless nights, seems to calm down and Rory sighs in relief.

"I think she's going to sleep okay now."

"I never thought I'd think waking up at four am was an improvement," Jess remarks, rubbing his eyes. "But better than every two hours, right?"

"You don't have to tell me that." The memory of Charlotte's first month in New York is still all too clear in Rory's mind. The actual feeling of it is muted, as if nature decided to blur it for her, but Rory knows it was bad. The past few nights were an unpleasant refresher.

Jess picks Charlotte up from her bassinet, giving her kisses all over her cheeks and making her grin.

"What do you say, little miss? You going to give us more sleep tonight?"

Charlotte waves a pudgy fist and yawns, sending spittle in Jess's face. Rory bursts out laughing as Jess wrinkes his nose, wiping his cheek.

"Gee, thanks. I'll take that as affirmative."

"Still glad we moved here?" Rory teases and Jess puts his arm around her, kissing her cheek.

"No question."

Charlotte gives Jess's hair a sharp tug, and he turns back to her in mock surprise.

"What do you want from me, kiddo? First you burp in my face then you get mad when I look at your mom. I can't keep up."

"It's her perogative, as long as she remains a woman," Rory jokes. Jess rolls his eyes but he kisses her again, and Charlotte, but their daughter starts crying.

"And again!" Jess exclaims and Rory takes her from him.

"She's hungry this time. Come on, baby. Man, I can't wait until you're old enough for real food like pizza."

"I can," cuts in Jess. "I don't want to think about the amount of takeout you're going to order."

"You love it. Takeout, movies and fighting over books. Right, Charlotte?"

Charlotte is busy feeding, her small brow furrowed, and Jess says,

"Reminds of me that time with Paris, when I delivered a care package."

"A care package," Rory echoes, grinning. "That's what you called it."

"What it was."

"You said Luke made it."

"Still a care package," Jess shoots back. "And didn't we have a good night?"

"We did," Rory admits. "Until Dean came along anyway."

"He was always such a jerk," Jess says, scratching his head. "And everyone thought he was such a boy scout."

"It was a long time ago," Rory says. Her voice is quiet and Jess hesitates before asking, "So how is Paris?"

"Fine, I think. I haven't spoke to her in a while."

"Too bad."

"I'll try and see her soon."

On Friday morning, Logan sends an email. Rory reads it, pursing her lips. Jess is changing Charlotte's diaper in the bathroom, giving her time to think a little, and when Jess comes in Rory's voice is even as she says, "Logan wants to see us."

"Us?"

"Well, me and Charlotte," Rory says and Jess nods.

"I figured it'd be that. When?"

"Next weekend."

Jess nods and asks, "Here?"

Rory shakes her head, taking Charlotte as she starts to fuss. "He wants to meet in Hartford."

"I'm shocked," Jess says sarcastically and Rory says, "Please, let's not make this a thing. It's our first weekend here."

"Sure," Jess says, as Charlotte starts grabbing hungrily at her mother's chest. "Sorry."

"It's fine," Rory says, awkwardly undoing her blouse so Charlotte can eat. "I'm not crazy about it either."

"It's how it is," Jess says and Rory nods, falling silent. Charlotte finishes eating and Rory hands her to Jess to burp. Busying herself with buttons, Rory focuses on her shirt before straightening up and smiling.

The weekend passes pleasantly. The weather is warm and Rory and Jess take Charlotte to the park. She's still too small to play properly, but they briefly place her in a baby swing and gently push it back and forth. Charlotte squeals unsurely, and in two seconds Jess has lifted her out, apologising over and over and kissing her cheek. Rory laughs, shaking her head, but admits, "I don't blame her. I wasn't too adventerous a kid."

"She just needs a little time," Jess says, nuzzling Charlotte's cheek. "Then there'll be no stopping her, huh?"

Charlotte stares at her parents in confusion and Rory kisses her head. "We're sorry, kid. Promise to give you another month before the expectations start."

On Sunday it rains and Rory and Jess work on their respective books while Charlotte naps. Rory finds it hard to concentrate and keeps looking out at the weeping wet. Noticing, Jess asks, "Something wrong?" and Rory smiles, shaking her head. "Just blocking a little."

Satisfied, Jess goes back to his writing and Rory gets up, walking over to the window, trying to place herself.

The following week seeps by and then Rory is getting ready to see Logan. Nervous, she peels on an old blue top which doesn't have a baby puke stain on and bathes Charlotte before they set off. Furious, Charlotte roars at her mother, her tears mixing in with the bathwater.

"I'm sorry," Rory says to her, as her daughter sends another wave of suds over the towel Rory tucked over her shirt. "We're nearly done, I promise."

"Wow, she is not a happy girl," Jess remarks and Rory says in frustration, "You think?"

"Why does she hate baths so much?"

"I don't know," Rory says, gritting her teeth as she tries holding Charlotte steady in one hand and bathing her with the other. "She's not old enough to tell me."

"Here," Jess says, crouching down. He puts his own hands around Charlotte so Rory can finish washing her and kisses the top of her sudsy head. Rory sighs, lifting her out and passes the towel to Jess so she can wrap Charlotte in it. Her cries die down and Rory closes her eyes.

"There. We're done."

Charlotte sticks her thumb in her mouth, looking angrily at her mother, and Rory says, "I think she just doesn't like water. I was scared of swimming when I was a kid and Mom says I wouldn't step on wet grass until I was three. I guess she gets it from me."

"You're mad at us now, huh?" Jess says to Charlotte. She unplops her thumb from her mouth and lets out a little grumble, which Rory can't help laughing at.

"Let's get you dressed," she says to Charlotte. "Then we'd better hit the road."

Rory removes the makeshift bib, hangs the towel up and takes Charlotte into the bedroom. All her nicer clothes are too small and finally Rory dresses Charlotte in a tiny pair of pants and a T-shirt which reads _Born Bookworm_ on it. Jess bought it as a surprise two weeks ago and Rory had put it on Charlotte right away, snapping a photo. It already seems smaller. Still, they're both dressed and ready to go and Rory takes a deep breath, lifting Charlotte back up and going to get the diaper bag Jess packed for them. She promises to be home by five and Jess nods, giving each a kiss before they go.

"There's my girl," he says to Charlotte, his voice a little tight. Charlotte pinches his cheek, making both of them laugh, and the mood is lighter as Rory and Charlotte set off.

There isn't time to stop at the cemetary on the way. Charlotte starts crying halfway there and Rory has to stop, get her out and soothe her. She's halfway through rubbing her back when Charlotte stops crying and, relieved, Rory lifts her up just in time for her daughter to vomit all over her shirt.

"Oh, you _didn't_!" Rory moans. "Charlotte!"

Charlotte blinks at her, smiling now, and Rory closes her eyes. It's odd how unfazed she is by vomit now, she thinks, but it stings to have that shirt be sick on, especially as she's on the way to see Logan. Buckling Charlotte back in her carseat, Rory rummages around the floor and comes up with an old Belle and Sebastian shirt. It's crumpled but clean, and better than nothing, and Rory hastily switches her shirts, bundling the original one in a bag. She drives slowly the rest of the way to Hartford, checking in the mirror that none of the vomit has got in her hair. Rory parks the car and feeds a squawking Charlotte.

"I guess you thought that was funny," she says, half annoyed and half amused. "I told you to save that for Logan!"

Charlotte merrily waves an arm and Rory sets her back down. She puts on the cardigan she found alongside the shirt and takes Charlotte into the small bistro they're arranged to meet. This time, Logan is there already and he stands up as they go in. He smiles uncertainly and Rory smiles back, slipping into the booth opposite.

"Hi."

"Hi," Logan says. "Nice shirt."

"Thanks," Rory says shortly. She considers explaining but is distracted as the waitress comes over and orders a coffee.

"Just a coffee?" Logan asks. "She'll have a sandwich too."

"Logan -"

"Hey, it's on me. I'm having one too."

Rory feels she should decline but gives in. "Okay. I'll have one with ham and tomato. Thanks."

The waitress scribbles it down on a pad, leaving them, and Logan lets out a small laugh.

"I'm braving real food again." Rory smiles tightly and he coughs. "How are you?"

"I'm fine," Rory says shortly. "Charlotte's fine too."

"Can I hold her?"

"Of course."

Rory gets up, passing Charlotte over and Logan sounds surprised as he says, "She's so much bigger."

"Well, it's been a long time since you've seen her." Rory can't help being angry and Logan says, "Look, we went through this."

"Sure." Rory isn't so certain but has vowed not to fight, at least not today. She bites her lip and watches as Logan looks at Charlotte properly, smirking at her shirt.

"Cute."

"Jess bought it for her."

"Right." Logan's tone turns sour and he remarks, "I thought maybe you'd put her in the dress I bought her."

"Logan, I told you she'd outgrow it! You bought it months ago! She wore it at her party. Remember, I sent you pictures."

"Right," Logan says, not looking at her and Rory adds, "She wrecked it that day too, she was sick all over it. I said it was too fancy for a baby."

"Hey, I'm trying," Logan snaps. "I just wanted something for her to wear."

They fall silent and suddenly Logan gets up. "Mind if I walk around with Charlotte a little?"

"No," Rory says, evening her voice. "Go ahead."

Rory leans back in her seat, watching as Logan steps around her, walking over to the window. The waitress brings over their food and drinks but Rory barely notices. She stares at Logan as he says something to Charlotte she can't hear, pointing at something outside the window. He walks up and down with her, giving the top of her head a kiss, and something tightens in Rory's throat. She watches as Logan's phone starts buzzing and he takes it out, checks it and turns it off, sliding it back in his pocket. Perhaps it's projection, but Charlotte looks puzzled and it makes the ache in Rory even worse. Logan looks back at Charlotte, brushing his hand through her short locks, and Rory forces herself to look away and take a big gulp of coffee.

"How was your trip?" Rory asks as Logan comes back over. "Are you better now - you and Odette?"

"It wasn't pretty," Logan says, wrinkling his nose. "Took a week before I could look at food again."

He picks up his sandwich and takes a ravenous bite, chuckling as Rory says, "I guess you're past that now."

Rory takes a bite of her sandwich too, chewing rapidly. She's hungrier than she thought. She's just finishing her third bite when Logan's phone buzzes again and, again, he declines the call.

"Is that Odette?" Rory asks, against her better judgement. Logan gives her a tired look and nods. "Where does she think you are?"

"Rory..."

"Why does she keep calling?"

"She thinks I'm with my sister. I'll call her later."

"Are you ever going to tell her about Charlotte?" Rory can't help asking. Logan frowns and then says, "Are we going to get mad about this every time?"

"Who's mad?"

"You're making a situation."

"Logan, we made it together."

"It's not going to change. You said it was my decision, and I said I didn't want to tell her. I have a whole new life with her and she doesn't need to know."

Rory is silent and Logan asks sharply, "Youre' not going to tell her, are you?"

"No, I'm not going to tell her," Rory says, to Logan's relief. "I just - we really messed up."

"I wasn't trying to get you pregnant."

"Oh, I know," Rory says, bitterly amused. "But it was still wrong."

"Look, it shouldn't matter to you anyway," Logan says after a pause. "You're living with that Jess guy."

"I know."

"So why does it bother you that Odette doesn't know?"

"What's going to happen when Charlotte's older? When she asks about you?"

"I can't think about that right now," Logan says, tightlipped. "I don't want to hurt Odette. Anyway, you're living with that other guy, right? Is it all you wanted?"

"It's great."

"I figured," Logan says, gulping his drink. "I knew it when I saw you, that time we went out. You were into him."

"Logan, I wasn't into him. Not like you think."

"I knew something was up."

"You were too drunk," Rory can't help saying. Logan snorts and Charlotte starts crying, splashing tears over the bookworm picture. Rory kisses her, walking around with her a little and her tears fade as she falls asleep. Rory sits back down and says, "I don't want to do this every time."

"Do what?"

"Fight. Snipe at each other over stuff."

"You brought up Odette," Logan says defensively and Rory sighs.

"Okay. Look, I don't want to get into a fight over who started what. We just can't do this every time we see each other."

"I don't like how things are," Logan says after a pause.

"Me neither. But they are how they are. And we're supposed to be grown-ups. We can't get mad each time we see each other and drag all this stuff up. It's not fair to Charlotte."

"A lot of this isn't fair," Logan grumbles but he shrugs. "I'll try."

They drink the rest of their coffee in silence and then Logan asks,

"So how is it going? Living in Philadelphia?"

"I've only lived there for two weeks, but it's great."

Logan nods, looks at Charlotte and comments,"I think she's going to be twice as big when I next see her."

"Well, when do you want to see her next?"

"I don't know."

"So," Rory says quietly. "There you go."

She looks down at her little girl, wiping her finger to dry the tears across her cheeks.

When she leaves the bistro, Rory drives to the cemetery. She lays the fresh flowers across her grandfather's grave, quietly updating him on things, and kissing her fingers and touching his stone. It's a warm afternoon and Rory doesn't go straight back to the car. There's a little bench in a park nearby and Rory sits there for a moment, exhaling. How odd it is, she thinks, how life can change in an instant. If she hadn't gone back to her dorm room at that moment, she would never have met Logan. And if she hadn't been so devastated by Dean breaking up with her, Logan wouldn't have comforted her and drawn Rory closer. And if Jess hadn't asked her to run away, Rory wouldn't have turned to Dean. And if...and if...it made Rory dizzy. It could drive a person crazy, thinking like this. Rory remembers the night Logan angrily brought up, where Jess came back. A big part of her wishes she'd broken up with Logan then. What a lie it is, to say we have no regrets. Rory has regrets. And yet, she thinks, if she could change it all she wouldn't have her daughter. And Rory would never wish that. She wonders idly if things would have worked out with Jess if Dean hadn't come by. Would it have worked then, or fallen apart? Most likely the latter, she's sure. They were still kids, really. Rory sometimes wishes she could go back in time, live those years with some perspective, but that thought makes her tired too. She's driven back to reality by her daughter pulling her hair and her phone ringing simultaneously. Rory untangles Charlotte's fist before answering.

"Hey," comes Paris's caustic tone. "What's up?"

"I'm in Hartford," Rory says. "It's funny you called - I was just talking about you with Jess."

"Really? What'd you say about me?"

"Nothing," Rory laughs. "Just thinking about that time you came over and we all had dinner."

"Oh yeah," Paris says, her voice more mild. "That was fun."

"Hey, we should do it again."

"Dinner?"

"Yeah - the three of us! And Charlotte, of course."

"That could be good," Paris says, sounding cautiously excited. "More fun than what I was calling about."

"Which is?"

"Headmaster Charleston asking about my donation to Chilton this year. Doesn't he have a nerve? Listen..."

Rory lets Paris talk, smiling and closing her eyes. When Paris finishes the call, Rory doesn't get up right away. She sits still in the afternoon sunshine, her daughter snug in her arms. Life is what it is and for now she's okay.


	49. Chapter 49

**Thanks for the feedback!**

Next Saturday, Paris comes for dinner. She puts down her purse and takes in the room with a critical air and nod. "Nice pad," she says, walking around. "Not bad at all."

"High praise," Jess says, grinning at Rory, and Charlotte lets out a burble in his arms. "You want to see Paris?"

Paris smiles, going over and awkwardly takes the baby. Charlotte babbles a little, fingers the gold chain around Paris's neck and then smiles, making Paris laugh.

"She's got good taste, I'll give her that. How old is she now?"

"Nearly three months."

"Wow."

"I know," Rory says fervantly. "It felt like she was never going to stop being a newborn and now I can't believe how old she's getting. It's like I blinked and she stopped being tiny."

"Wait until she's getting ready for school," Paris says knowingly and Rory asks, "How are your kids?"

"Fine. With their dad, so he's going to spoil them rotten and feed them too much sugar. That'll be a blast."

Rory makes a sympathetic sound and Jess says he's going to check on the food. Rory and Paris sit on the couch and Paris asks, "Does it feel weird living here?"

"Not really," Rory says thoughtfully. "Took a little getting used to, the first week, but now it just feels normal. Miss Charlotte wasn't sure at first either, were you?"

Charlotte looks up at her mother with wide eyes and smiles again, but this time Rory grimaces.

"Uh oh. Better give her back."

"Poopy smile?" Paris asks knowingly and Rory nods, taking her hastily. "Yep, and you do not want to see the results of that!"

When Rory returns, Jess says the food is ready, so Rory feeds Charlotte and then puts her down for the night. Mouth watering, she sits next to Paris at the table and starts ladling food onto her plate.

"Not a care package," Paris remarks, "but good enough."

"It's better," Rory argues, reaching for the bowl of mashed potato, making Jess laugh.

"Don't tell Luke that."

For a while everyone is silent, enjoying the food, and Jess nods as he sees Paris prepare a salt and pepper dip. "Wise."

"You were right, it is the only way to eat a fry," Paris says. "That is if Rory leaves us any!"

"Hey, I'm eating for two!"

"You ate for two already. Now you're eating for four."

"Jess knew that when I moved in," Rory says and Jess nods, grinning.

"That's why she's with me. I'm such a great cook."

"And other things! Though I won't argue that it helped."

"I'm guessing his literary taste still has something to be desired," Paris says, finishing her fries, and Jess groans.

"You're still mad at the Beats?"

"Anyone with a brain is mad at the Beats. They were assholes, and it was typing, not writing."

"Says you. And Capote."

"Well, we're both right. I can't say I'm the biggest Capote fan either, but he was on the money there."

"You're being a little closedminded."

"Oh really?" Paris demands. "You think women got the right to write like that? They got shut down immediately, mostly because of jerks like that!"

"Hey, I'm not defending the lifestyle. But you can't dismiss a whole genre."

Paris snorts, reaching for the hotsauce. "I wouldn't call it a _genre_. Just gossip column fodder."

"Hey, haven't we been through this roughly fifteen - oh man, _fifteen_ \- fifteen years ago?" cuts in Rory. "And didn't I say it exposed you to a world you wouldn't have otherwise known?"

"And I said it wasn't even a world," Paris retorts, but her tone softens. "Still, at least you like Austen, Jess. Charlotte's going to read some good books. She's got a decent namesake too"

"Hey, I can take care of that," Rory says. "I mean, we both can."

"Just don't let him put Beats poetry in her crib," Paris teases. Jess rolls his eyes but laughs and for a moment they all chuckle, sitting back in their chairs.

"Man, doesn't it feel like a million years ago?" Rory muses. "We've got three kids between us now, and back then we _were_ kids."

"And pretty soon, our kids will be teenagers," Paris says, making Rory and Jess groan.

"I don't even want to think about that yet," Rory says fervantly. "I mean, I'm excited for her to grow up, but I don't want to think about those years. It's way too scary."

"Relax. We have to get through pottytraining first," Jess says, and Rory laughs, relaxing. "True. Oh, that's going to be gross, isn't it?"

"You don't want to know where they're going to decide to use the bathroom," warns Paris and Rory wrinkles her nose.

"Yikes. I feel kind of immune to it now though. I mean, I don't love changing diapers but I think I've done it so many times that it doesn't faze me anymore."

"Trust me though, you're going to celebrate when she's out of diapers," Paris says and Rory laughs. "I believe that. Luke said that he doesn't like how kids' hands are sticky, like they've got jam on their hands, and most of the time it's something way more gross."

Paris nods knowingly and Rory remarks, "There's a reason we can't remember stuff like this."

"And a reason parents can," Jess says. "So we can embarrass our kids."

"I don't want to embarrass Charlotte too much," Rory protests and then smirks. "Well. I guess it'll depend on my mood."

They finish up the food, Rory feeling envious of Jess and Paris's glasses of wine, and talk turns to work and and writing and ex-husbands.

"Doyle's got a new screenplay," Paris tells them. "And he's already acting like it's the movie of the year. Sometimes he's as bad as Kerouac, I swear. You're lucky Logan doesn't write."

Rory nods, concentrating on swallowing her sparkling apple juice. Jess gets up, taking the plates away, dismissing Rory's offer to help, and Paris leans forward.

"How is it going? With Blondie, I mean."

"Logan's Logan," Rory says helplessly. "I don't know what to tell you. Sometimes I wish he were more responsible, wants to see his kid more, but it's not who he is."

"You cut him too much slack."

"No," Rory protests as Paris raises her eyebrows. "Okay, maybe I did. Or do, sometimes. But I can't change him. I can't make him be a better guy. And Charlotte and I are good. We're with her real dad."

"That's true," Paris concedes. "I'm just saying that I'd put Logan through hell."

"Sometimes I want to, but I think it would hurt all of us. We're in a good place, for now. A civil one, anyway."

"I guess. And Jess is a great guy."

"That he is," Rory smiles and sighs as Paris adds, "I could have told you that, back when we had that dinner before. You know, I think I did, but you wouldn't listen."

"I had a boyfriend."

"You didn't disagree."

Before Rory can muse over that Paris asks, "So how's he in the sack?"

"Paris!"

"You've had sex, right? Since you gave birth?"

"Right, I mean yes," Rory says, flustered, and Paris pushes, "So how was it?"

"It was good," Rory whispers. "Great, actually."

"Did the book help?"

"You know, I didn't actually use it," Rory says and laughs at Paris's expression.

"What? Oh come on, Mary. There's great stuff in there."

"I'm sure, but we've had a good time anyway."

"Read that and it'll go through the roof. Your orgasm, I mean."

"Great," Rory says, horribly aware of how loud Paris's voice was and, afraid of what she might say next, adds, "I'll look it at later, I promise."

"Good," Paris says, satisfied. She pours herself more wine and then Jess comes back, sleeves rolled up from washing the dishes. "What'd I miss?"

"Nothing," Rory says quickly and Jess nods. "Can I get some of that wine?"

Paris leaves an hour later and Rory flops on the couch, exhausted.

"Man."

"I know."

"It was fun but I can't keep with her."

"Especially when she givs you tips on how to orgasm," Jess says and Rory sits up, groaning.

"You _heard_ that?"

"I was in the next room, Rory, and she's not exactly got a dulcet tone."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm not," Jess says, failing not to laugh. "So there's a book, huh?"

"We don't need to look at that."

"Oh, I think we should," Jess says and, before Rory can reply, he picks her up, making her squeal with surprise. "But how about we improvise a little first?"

"I think," Rory grins, reaching to meet his kiss, "that sounds very wise."

"It'll definitely go through the roof."

"You too, Mariano!"


	50. Chapter 50

**Thanks for the feedback! Two chapters left!**

On Friday, Rory goes to a parent and baby class. She's feeling pent up in the apartment and it's getting a little lonely. She wishes Lane or Paris lived closer. It will be good, Rory thinks, for her and Charlotte to go out and do something new in the day, meet some new people. The class is music and storytelling, with a background chorus of squalling kids. Rory hopes Charlotte enjoys it, but judging by the fact that she spits up and starts howling, her confidence isn't great. Rory had been excited at the prospect of getting out of the apartment and meeting some other adults, but all anyone is talking about are their kids. Rory feels kind of dumb for imagining it being anything else. One of the mothers there starts talking loudly about the right age to wean babies - to do it too early or too late is just unthinkable - and Rory takes that as her cue to leave. Suddenly all she wants is to get back. Charlotte is starting to get sleepy in her lap and Rory carefully gathers up their things. As Rory stands, the diaper bag spills open and everything spills out, spurring Charlotte to wake and cry. Rory closes her eyes for a brief moment before taking a breath and stooping to gather everything up. The lecturing mother picks up what's left, passing the creams over and as Rory thanks her, she asks, "First kid?"

"How did you guess?" Rory asks with a tired grin and the mother asks, "How are you finding it?"

"Right at this moment or in general?" Rory asks wearily. "Because I mean...well, actually, it's pretty tiring at any given moment."

"But the best job ever, right?"

"I don't know," Rory says honestly. "I get bored sometimes. I'm with her so much and sometimes I want a break from being a mom. Don't you find that?"

"Of course not!" the mother says, sounding beyond affronted. "I love my children!"

"Oh," Rory says, fully focused on getting the hell away from her. "Great."

There's a headache licking around her ears as Rory leaves and by the time she gets home her head is pounding. It's still early afternoon and Rory is a little relived to have a few hours without having to talk and be coherent. Charlotte's cries die down to fussing, and Rory feeds her and changes her before laying her down. Rory lies down herself after Charlotte goes to sleep, feeling the pain thud behind her eyes as she slips into a doze and is woken suddenly as the front door slams. Jess is back early and Rory goes into the kitchen to find him sipping a beer from the fridge.

"Hey," he says as he sees Rory, rubbing her eyes. "Everything okay?"

"I was asleep," Rory says angrily. "Trying to sleep anyway."

"Sorry," Jess says, sipping more of his beer. "How was the class thing?"

"I don't think either of us got that much out of it. Charlotte cried a lot but they were playing a tambourine so I don't blame her. What are you doing home early?"

"I finished for the day. I thought maybe I'd read up on some editing. You want to see the drafts?"

"No," Rory says, putting a hand to her temple. "My head is killing me."

Jess looks concerned but Rory can't help feeling angry. He was supposed to be at work! She was supposed to be sleeping! She's furious, her eyes hazy with pain, and wants to scream like Charlotte. Instead she rubs at her head and is still angry as Jess asks,

"Can I do anything?"

"You can go back in time and not wake me up!" Rory snaps, and then she sighs. "I'm sorry. I'm just exhausted."

"I didn't know I was going to wake you. It's barely past lunchtime!"

"I know you didn't know! You've been at work!"

"Why are you saying it like that's a bad thing?"

"It's not!"

"So what's with the glare?"

"The glare is because my head is pounding and I'd just fallen asleep!" Rory cries. "The glare is because I thought maybe I'd meet another adult to talk to, but all anyone talked about was babies, which I know is kind of the point at the parent-baby class, but still, I thought maybe I could talk about something other than diapers, but instead I got judged for not loving being a mother 24/7!"

"Whoa, slow down!"

"I don't want to slow down!" Rory shouts. "I just want some time away from it all!"

Jess is looking at her and Rory has a terrible feeling she's about to cry.

"I'm sorry," she says. "I just - forget it. I'm sorry."

Jess looks at her in concern but the conversation is broken as Charlotte starts crying. They give each other a glance and then both head into the bedroon. Charlotte is sobbing, reaching her arms up and Jess picks her up. He gives her little kisses all over her head and cheeks and Charlotte stops with a tearful breath, snuggling into his chest.

"I've got her," Jess says. "You go lay down if you want."

Rory does so, but doesn't go back to sleep. Instead, she tosses and turns and finally gets back up. Jess has moved Charlotte's bassinnet to his desk where he's working, bent over his pages. Rory smiles at them, but her heart is still aching as she stares. She backs up, going and lying down on the couch and then falls asleep for real, waking with a start as Jess comes to start dinner.

The evening is a little awkward between them. Rory doesn't want to finish her pasta, despite being hungry, and Jess asks if it's her headache.

"No," Rory says quietly, pushing the food around with her fork. "It's not that. I'm sorry I got mad at you."

"It's alright."

"I'm not mad at you."

But it's not entirely true. She's jealous that Jess can go to work and have some stimulating conversation. She's jealous that he can have time away. But to say it out loud sounds terrible, Rory's sure. She's so lucky, she repeats it to herself like a mantra, and she loves him. And it's not Jess's fault that she's tired and envious at times. He looks at her in a knowing way and asks, "Did something happen today?"

"Not really."

"But something, right?"

"It was just one of the moms there...I said I get bored being a mom sometimes and she acted like I was a bad mother. And I got a headache as well and it was just a crappy afternoon."

"Ignore her."

"I miss not having to talk about mom stuff sometimes," Rory confesses. "I know it can't change, but I miss working sometimes."

"You want a job?"

"Maybe in a few months," Rory muses. "Charlotte's so little right now. I just feel bad for thinking it, I guess. That woman acted like I should always love it."

"That's just her opinion, and a wrong one."

"I know," Rory says. "But it got to me. I love being Charlotte's mom, but sometimes I want to do other stuff in the day."

Jess looks thoughtful and Rory says dismissively, "But there's no point, right? Not right now. I'll just have to wait, it's fine, I knew that."

"You could work at Truncheon."

"I could? Doing what?"

"Well, we always have those jobs for unloading boxes and sorting inventory and stuff."

Jess looks a little sheepish and adds, "I mean, those jobs usually go to people out of college or between work. But it's something."

"No," Rory says, reaching out for his hand. "You should keep that for someone who needs it more. I appreciate it though."

Jess nods and Rory feels another stab of guilt, that a kind of work is offered to her and she rejects it. But it doesn't feel right. Well, that's how it is, she knows. Rory can live with it. She gets up to clear the plates and Jess grabs her wrist.

"Hey," he says. "You sure you're okay?"

"I'm okay," Rory insists. "I'm just in a funky mood. I really am sorry I got mad at you."

"And I'm sorry I woke you." Rory smiles, embarrassed, and meets Jess's kiss. She puts her arms around his neck, closing her eyes and breathing his scent. She loves him and loves Charlotte and is sad too. Her headache is gone, but there is a delicate throb against her skull and Rory doesn't fight the feeling.

Rory has arranged to see her mother the next day. Lorelai has taken the afternoon off and Rory double checks the diaper bag before heading out, though it's really an unnecessary precaution. Her mother has almost an entire nursery in Rory's old bedroom. It's drizzling outside, and Rory absently switches the wipers on in the car. The weather matches her mood. She still feels a little off. Charlotte gurgles in the back, almost fussing but not quite crying. The journey passes quietly and soon Rory is pulling up in her mother's driveway. Lorelai runs out to greet them, Paul Anka at her heels and before Rory has even got out of the car her mother is unbuckling Charlotte and squeezing her tightly.

"I wouldn't cuddle her too hard," Rory warns, reaching to give her mother a kiss. "She's going to need changing soon."

"Cuddling is my right as a grandmother and I'll gladly take that risk."

"And you'll gladly change her diaper?"

"But of course. Stinky diapers are a welcome trade."

"I'm going to hold you to that."

Rory follows Lorelai into the house and Charlotte shortly fulfills Rory's prediction. Lorelai groans but changes her diaper without much complaint, and then Charlotte falls asleep just as her grandmother buttons her back up. Lorelai puts her down in the cradle, returning to see Rory already putting on the coffee.

"You read my mind."

"Well, it's pretty easy."

"Huh. I don't know if I'm offended by that or not."

"I just meant in regards to coffee."

"Oh, well that doesn't count. You don't need to be Kreskin to know coffee is always on my mind. Hey, like that Pet Shop Boys song! You were always on my mind!"

Lorelai leaps into a terrible rendition, directing the song at Mr Coffee, and Rory smiles gamely, shaking her head. Lorelai stops for breath, frowns and takes a seat.

"Something wrong?"

"Why?"

"Well, you weren't falling over with laughter."

"I think my ears closed off in protest."

"I'm going to ignore that barb because you still don't look okay."

Rory sighs and Lorelai leans over, clutching her cup.

"It's nothing," Rory says eventually. "It's no big deal."

"History tells me that when you brush something off as no big deal you're stewing over something. Come on, let it out."

"I had a fight with Jess," Rory admits. "I mean, it wasn't a real fight, but we snapped at each other a little."

"I'm sorry, hon."

"Well, we made up."

"You want to talk about it?"

Rory takes a sip of coffee before explaining, "He came home early and woke me up."

"Ah."

Rory cringes at how small it sounds but her mother remarks, "Sleep is like gold these days, huh?"

"It wasn't so much that," Rory says, looking down. "I mean, I was mad he woke me up, but I felt jealous. I was jealous that he got to go to work. And I'd gone to this horrible group with Charlotte."

"What was horrible about it?"

"Music and storytelling for kids."

"Yeesh. Say no more."

"It wasn't that," Rory laughs. "Well, that part wasn't fun, but there was this mom there, and she started telling everyone when they should stop breastfeeding, like she was this expert, and then she started talking to me when I tried to leave. And I made the big mistake of saying sometimes I got bored being a mom and when I asked if she ever did she told me she loves her kids! Like I don't love Charlotte!"

"Jeez, what an asshole," Lorelai says angrily. "Honey, you're going to come across people like that all through this mom thing. I don't know why, but people make it into a kind of competition - being a mom, I mean. I'm sorry to tell you this, but it's going to last as long as Charlotte's a kid. Everyone is so desperate to be perfect that they turn into jerks."

"Everyone?"

"Well, no. Some more than others. Not that you're immune from jerklike behaviour. Just ignore her, Rory. Being a mom can be boring sometimes. No wants to talk about that."

"I just hoped I'd make a friend or something," Rory says, feeling embarrassed. "Lane and Paris live further away and I don't really know anyone Jess works with. But all anyone there talked about was their kids. I guess I should have known it would be that way."

"Look," Lorelai says, putting a hand on Rory's knee. "That was one bad day. And this is just right now, while Charlotte's small."

"I feel like I was on a rollercoaster or something," Rory says thoughtfully. "When Charlotte was so small it was like I didn't notice time passing, because I was constantly making sure she was okay and not crying and taking care of her. And now it's got a little easier - she's sleeping more and we're with Jess - but it's like I've stepped off. And I'm alone with her all day and I wish I had a break sometimes."

Rory has a horrible feeling that she's going to cry, and it's worsened as Lorelai strokes her hair, saying, "Oh, sweets."

"I sound horrible."

"No."

"I'm so lucky, I know. It's just all the same, all day. And when Jess came home I had a headache and I'd just woken up and I was so mad at him, even though it's not his fault, and I was so jealous."

"Rory, it's normal to feel that way," Lorelai says. "It can get hard, sometimes. When you're not exhausted, you miss being a person."

"A person?" Rory giggles but she knows what her mother is getting at.

"You know what I mean! Your life before you had your kid, no matter how much you love her."

"Some moms do it all," Rory says and Lorelai takes her hand.

"No one can do everything at once. Not without help. Rememeber that. Not even me, this dazzling mother you have to look up to!"

Rory nods, managing a laugh, and Lorelai kisses her cheek.

"It'll get easier. This is just right now. Soon she'll be a little bigger and you can interact with her more."

"Is it bad to want something else?" Rory can't help asking. "I mean, I know I can't get it right now. And I don't want to be away from Charlotte anyway. But I can't help wishing I had something else."

"I remember when you were a baby," Lorelai says, laughing, "and I'd take you on my rounds in the Independence Inn. You were crawling around then but Mia let me take you when I cleaned the rooms, and I'd give you a cloth and a feather duster and you'd be happy for hours. Well, happy until you got hungry."

"I hope it was a clean cloth," Rory puts in, wrinkling her nose.

"Of course it was. Oh, you modern parents," Lorelai teases. "In my day, we played with sharp knives and if we lost a limb it was a lesson learned!"

Rory laughs a little and Lorelai muses, "It's too bad you live further away. Otherwise I'd suggest something similar."

"What, me be a maid?"

"No! I mean, you could work at the desk or something, or in the office, and have Charlotte with you. Remember how after school you'd help sort the mail for me?"

"Yeah," Rory says. She can't help being a little relieved that she can't do that. She felt bad enough being home last year and working the job she had at sixteen seems like a horrible time travel story. Rory concentrates on drinking her coffee, washing the image away.

"I swear it's going to feel easier soon," Lorelai says firmly. "Anyway, it's your birthday next week! We'll do something fun for that."

"No surprise parties!"

"Yeah, yeah."

Charlotte wakes up then and Rory goes into her room to feed her. Afterwards, Lorelai puts on a movie and as it finishes, she gets a call from work. It seems to be taking a while, judging by Lorelai's frown, and Rory decides to take a quick walk. She whispers to Lorelai that she's going out for ten minutes and her mother nods, distracted.

The light rain has stopped, leaving a pearly glow across Stars Hollow. Rory pushes Charlotte along in her stroller, stopped only twice by admirers, and then goes into the diner. Luke is behind the counter but it is otherwise deserted and Rory asks loudly, "And they say this place has good French fries."

Luke turns around, beaming, and hurries over to them. He gives Rory a hug, waiting as she gets Charlotte out and handing her to him, before saying, "Just one of those weird lulls."

"You alone here today?"

"Caeser's on a break."

They go over to the counter. Luke smiles down at his granddaughter, remarking, "I can't believe how big she's getting."

"Neither can I," Rory agrees. Her happiness is abating again and Luke looks at her curiously. He puts on some coffee, despite saying how bad it is for Rory to drink it, and then bounces Charlotte up and down in his arms.

"You know you're risking her puking," Rory warns and, echoing his wife, Luke says, "Ah, I can take it. I'm a grandparent."

Rory smiles and Luke finishes up the drink. He gently places Charlotte in an empty box beside him, pushes the drink over to Rory and waits for her to talk. Rory sips a little before saying the same story she told Lorelai. Luke nods, letting Rory finish her thoughts, and go onto what happened with Jess.

"I feel badly about it," she says. "But I can't help feeling it."

Luke nods again. It's something Rory has always appreciated about him. She supposes they are alike in that way, quiet with their thoughts. Rory knows she can be too quiet sometimes, turning problems over in her mind, but she likes going to Luke sometimes. He lets her take her time rather than jumping in with a joke or advice.

"Everyone keeps telling me to enjoy this stage," Rory tells him. "Or that it's going to over soon. And I don't want to spend all of Charlotte's first months just wanting her to be older. I'm betting that's going to be interesting too. But I'm not loving all of it right now."

"I can't give you much on little kids," Luke says eventually. "You know what I think about them - how they always have jam on their hands?"

"Right," Rory giggles and Luke goes on, "Life's kind of that way, I find. You get used to something and then the rug gets pulled up from under your feet. Can't avoid it. I lived in this town my entire life and I still got that."

Rory nods and Luke adds, "Obviously I can't comment on having a baby, but that's my experience with the world. You get used to something and then there's a change. New stresses for all of it too. Uusally no right way to do it." He looks at Rory gently and says, "You'll see it through."

"I feel ungrateful. I'm so lucky to live the way I do, I know."

"It's not about luck."

But surely it is, Rory wants to argue. She knows Luke had to grow up young and looks away, and as though he's read her mind, Luke says, "You have to handle what you've got. That's how it is, and you can't predict what you'll get. People are always going to try and tell you how to live, but they aren't you. You know that. You don't have to like things the same."

"I don't know what I should do," Rory says quietly. "Maybe there isn't even anything I can. I'll focus on getting back to work when Charlotte's older. I just...some people seem to do it better."

"Everyone's lives look better when from where we are," Luke says. "Everyone has their own screwups too. No one gets everything exactly how they imagined. Things we want usually take longer. All you can do is aim for what you need and don't be too proud. I speak from experience."

Rory smiles and Luke says, "I think I got lucky, looking back. That's the thing about life."

"What thing?"

"Oh God, it was this cheesy thing, I don't know - I think maybe your mom said it once - oh no, it was a customer, that was it. She had it on a bookmark and it fell out on the counter. I didn't notice until she'd gone."

Luke reaches behind the register and Rory laughs out loud. "You kept it?"

"In case she came back," her stepfather says defensively and Rory giggles. "Anyway, here's what it says. _Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards_. You get what it means?"

"You don't understand it until you're through?"

"Something like that. Things are always clearer when they're behind you."

"No kidding," Rory says quietly. She goes around the counter, picking Charlotte out of the box and kisses her cheeks. "I love her so much, but I'd do so much differently."

"That's life," Luke says simply. "For pretty much everyone. Wanting do-overs, I mean. Rory, I'm not much help with this, and maybe your mom and Jess aren't either. But don't be too proud about how you feel. I can tell you how that works out."

"Yeah," Rory says, looking down. "I know."

They stand in silence for a little while and Luke says again, "You'll get there. It's just not always how we see it."

Rory nods and then a customer comes in, then two, and then four. Rory straps Charlotte back into her stroller, thanks Luke again, and heads back, her mind full and heavy. Lorelai insists on her having a snack before she goes and after a few extra Charlotte cuddles, Rory drives home. Jess is waiting and as soon as Charlotte is laid down Rory leans into his arms.

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I'm sorry too."

"No," Rory says wiping her eyes. "Don't be."

Jess kisses her neck, leading her over to the couch.

"Hey, you want to talk about it?"

"I will," Rory promises. "But can we just sit a while?"

"Sure," Jess says softly and Rory curls up beside him, closing her eyes. The silence is understanding.


	51. Chapter 51

**Thanks for the feedback! A little sad to be finishing the fic but have another story lined up. I can't keep away from the Gilmores for too long!**

On Saturday morning, Rory is woken by light streaming into the room.

"Go away," she groans, rolling onto her side. "Too bright."

"It's morning!" Rory blearily looks up to see Jess grinning over her and groans. "I'll try not to take that personally."

"Don't you know by now to never wake me up?" Rory grumbles. "What time is it? Seven? And on a Saturday too!"

"Actually, it's nine thirty."

At this Rory sits up, staring at Jess. "You're kidding."

"No joke."

"What about Charlotte's early feed?"

"She slept right through," Jess says proudly. "She only woke up once in the night."

"She did?"

Rory rubs her eyes, half wondering if she's dreaming, and then laughs as Jess slips out and returns with Charlotte in his arms, leaning over with her on the bed.

"You can't be grumpy with this face, huh?"

"Come here, you," Rory says, reaching for her daughter. "You slept right through the night? What an amazing girl!"

"She woke up at seven," Jess amends. "But you were asleep and there was a bottle from last night, so I gave her that."

"Good girl," Rory says, kissing Charlotte's cheeks. Charlotte waves her arms, grinning, but then her brow furrows and she snuggles into her mother's chest. "And hungry girl," Rory adds, smiling as she rolls her eyes. "Okay, okay. Hold on, kiddo. I haven't had my breakfast either."

Rory sits back into the pillows as Charlotte eats and takes in the suitcase in the corner of the room.

"What's that about?" she asks suspiciously and Jess smirks, shrugging.

"Nothing."

"Uh huh. This wouldn't have to do with tomorrow, would it?"

"Remind me of what that is again?" Jess teases and Rory throws the spare pillow at him.

"You know!"

"Yeah, the fifty voicemails I've got from Lorelai have helped remind me," Jess remarks. "What's with the face? You love your birthday."

"I know."

"Almost as much as Lorelai. And her birthdays are intense, at least according to Luke. And I know she goes all out for yours."

"That's what I'm afraid of," Rory says. Charlotte lifts her head, giving her mother a milky smile, and Rory absently burps her, wiping the milk with her pyjama sleeve. Jess picks the pillow up, getting into bed with her, and Rory sighs. "It's not that I don't like my birthday any more," she tells him. "Or that I feel weird about getting older. It's just going to be a big deal and I sort of want to forget abot it."

"Doesn't have to be a big deal," Jess says and Rory laughs. "Mom is throwing a party for it, I know she is. It's a Stars Hollow Extravaganza!"

"Have you told her you don't want to do anything?" Jess asks and Rory shakes her head, stroking one of Charlotte's curls behind her ear.

"Mom really loves doing it."

"But it's your birthday."

"No, I want to go," Rory decides. "It's always good going home."

"You sure?"

"We fought one year when it was my birthday," Rory says. "When I was turning twenty-one. We fought a little last year too, but not as badly. It was the worst. Grandma and Grandpa threw me a beautiful party and Mom came, and so did Luke, but it all felt so wrong. Mom and I had made plans to go to Atlantic City, but we were fighting, and I didn't know if she remembered."

"She remembered."

Rory smiles a little and goes on, "We did it later, when we made up. But that birthday was awful. I missed Mom so much. It felt worse seeing her at the party, because before that we'd avoided each other and it was easier, in a way. But seeing her made me miss her so much more, but I was too proud to say that to her."

"I'm sure she felt that way too."

"Like mother, like daughter, I guess."

Rory looks down at Charlotte and her thoughts are shaken by Jess saying, "I remember that birthday."

"You do? You weren't at that party."

"No, but I remember that year. It must have been that year because you and Lorelai were in a fight. I came to see you, to show you my book, and Luke gave me your address."

"And we went to the bar with Logan," Rory remembers. "And you asked me what was going on, and then you wished me a happy birthday."

"It was a little late, but around that time."

"I couldn't believe you remembered," Rory says, smiling at him. "You know, we never celebrated my birthday when we were together."

"No, but I always remembered it. Luke stayed up baking you a coffee cake both times I was there."

"It was so sweet, how he did that," Rory says. "He blew up balloons too."

"Never did that for me."

"He didn't?"

"Well, I'm not the balloons type," Jess says, making Rory laugh. "He made me cake though. Three kinds, because he didn't know which was my favourite."

"That's so sweet."

"Yeah. When I turned eighteen, he gave me this old watch of his father's. I never wear it because I'm scared of losing it, but I've held onto it. I didn't know if I should take it but Luke said he had enough junk of his father's."

"He did?"

"He said he had his dad's clock. And his order in the diner. He showed me once. He'd ran out of paper for an order so wrote it on the side of the counter. Luke won't paint over it."

"I think Mom told me about that," Rory says. "Luke gave me his mom's pearls, on that birthday. They're so beautiful."

"Huh. Luke never told me he had those. But then I'm not exactly the pearls type."

"He said they didn't fit Liz."

"He was probably afraid she'd hawk them," Jess says. Rory looks up but he seems unaffected. "She'd always sell stuff when when we needed things. She bought me a video game one year and sold some kind of jewellery for it. Of course, her next boyfriend stole that, so it was kind of pointless."

"Jess," Rory says, putting her arm aroud him and Jess shrugs, suddenly bashful.

"She didn't know what she was doing. It's not like anyone showed her. And it was a long time ago."

Rory kisses his neck, resting her face on his shoulder and Jess squeezes her hand. Charlotte burbles, making them jump and then Rory groans.

"Oh no - she needs changing. It's gotten on the bed."

"On it," Jess says, picking up Charlotte and pulling the bedspread off in one swift movement.

"Is that your birthday present to me, huh?" Rory asks as Charlotte babbles cheerfully to herself. "You really didn't have to."

"Sleeping in was her gift," Jess calls as he takes Charlotte into the bathroom. "This is just a bonus!"

The rest of the morning passes smoothly. After washing the bedclothes Rory showers and dresses to find a breakfast of pastries and strawberries and a gallon of coffee whch she eats while reading the paper with Jess, trying to complete the crossword without help. After going for a walk in the afternoon, Rory heads back alone to the apartment. Jess says they need some more groceries and can take Charlotte with him.

"You sure?"

"She's been fed and changed less than an hour ago," Jess says. "Go enjoy some peace."

"Better than sex," Rory remarks and as Jess raises his eyebrows she laughs. "Kidding. Kind of."

"Sure," Jess smirks. "Go on, I'll see you later."

Rory makes herself a cup of coffee when she gets home and curls up with a book. She can't concentrate so eventually abandons it and sits up. She thinks about her own book, her conscience giving a guilty twang, and walks over to the desk. She reads through Jess's notes, powers up the laptop, and opens the work up. Rory writes and edits, forgetting her coffee, and jumps when Jess returns an hour later, a squalling Charlotte in his arms.

"Meltdown in aisle three," he says darkly. "Got some serious glares. As if Charlotte's screaming was worse than the excuse they call music blaring from the speakers - sorry, didn't know I was interrupting something."

"It's okay - I was just looking at book stuff," Rory says. She saves the work, and saves it again in case, before closing the laptop and going over to them. "Oh no, meltdown? Is she okay?"

"I think she's just tired," Jess says. "Maybe a little hungry."

"Very hungry, I think," Rory says. "Girl's got an appetite."

"I wonder where she got that?" Jess teases. He waits for Rory to settle down with Charlotte before saying, "You're working on the book again? That's great!"

"I know you were still making notes."

"Hey, it's your book. I'm just thrilled you're writing again."

"I didn't mean to leave it for so long," Rory starts to say and Jess puts up his hands.

"I get it, I do. I leave stuff way too long sometimes and it's not like I've had a baby."

"You do have a baby," Rory teases and Jess grins. "Yeah, but I didn't give birth to her."

"Very true. And you don't breastfeed her either."

"Never tried," Jess jokes. "So how was it? Writing?"

"It was amazing," Rory admits, smiling. "I was almost scared I wouldn't be able to do it again, but once I stopped thinking I started writing. Does that make any sense?"

"Completely," Jess says seriously. "Writing's a weird business."

"It is at that."

Rory winds Charlotte, pulling her shirt back down and Jess lifts his daughter up.

"How about I look after the kid while you go shower?"

"Sounds good," Rory says in surprise. "But why do I need to shower?"

"Because we're about to go see your mom."

"What?"

"Oh, and Luke."

"But my birthday's tomorrow," Rory laughs and Jess grins. "They wanted to get a jump on things."

"Of course they did," Rory sighs and Jess looks at her. "Is it okay with you?"

"It is," Rory says sincerely. "Wait there while I go wash milk off me. Have I ever said anything so hot?"

Rory is halfway through her shower when there's a knock and the door opens. Jess comes in, asking, "Room for two?"

"Always," Rory says, grinning as he strips off. "Come to help me wash?"

"Among other things," Jess says, stepping in. "Charlotte's asleep so we may as well take advantage."

"I like the sound of that," Rory says. She feels Jess grow hard against her and pulls him closer between her legs. "Let's get started, Mariano."

The water ran cold by the end of the shower but neither minded. Hair still damp, Rory gets into the car and after checking Charlotte's properly buckled in, she and Jess head off into the early evening. They're running a little late but Jess doesn't want to drive too fast with Charlotte in the back.

"And I remember when you had that beatup clunker," Rory chuckles. "You scandalised half of Stars Hollow with it."

"Only half?" Jess asks sarcastically. "I couldn't believe that entire town was so excited by a car. Actually, I could, and that was the saddest part. My best view of it was through the rear window."

"So you're excited to pay a visit?" Rory jokes and then looks over as she gets no retort. "Jess?"

"Sorry - I was just thinking. When I said seeing Stars Hollow in my rear window, it made me remember. When I told you I loved you, when it was winter and there was that party."

"The Firelight Festival," Rory remembers. "You drove off before I could say anything."

"You stared at me after I said it. It felt like forever."

"It was less than a minute!"

"It felt like twenty. I couldn't stand it. I told myself you would have said something sooner if you felt the same, so I ran. And I looked in my rear window and you were just standing there, right until I turned a corner and I couldn't see you anymore."

"I don't know what I'd have said," Rory says honestly. "You caught me offguard."

"You yelled that you'd rehearsed what you were going to say!"

"I rehearsed a speech about you leaving!" Rory cries. "Not you saying you loved me! I never imagined that!" She pauses and then says, "No, I did."

"You did?"

"In a silly, daydream way. I'd imagine being in Rome, seeing you and you begging forgiveness or something. Saying you loved me. Like in a movie. And then I'd say something cutting. But I never pictured you really saying it. I figured that if I did see you, you'd be vague and leave again."

"You were half right," Jess says and Rory nods, staring at her hands for a moment.

"I wish we'd left things better the other time. When you asked me to run away."

"I shouldn't have asked you to leave with me. I got all messed up when I saw Dean."

"I think that messed me up too. I hadn't planned on being with him that night and then there you were, and saying all this stuff - I couldn't handle it."

"We were both just kids," Jess says. "We were too young to figure things out."

"I know. I just wish it had worked out differently."

"Me too," Jess says. "But I think we needed that time."

Rory nods and glances behind her to see Charlotte sleeping steadily.

"I worry about her getting her heart broken," she admits. "Isn't that sad? She's four months old!"

"You're her mom."

"She's still a baby. And then I rememeber things like that and I'm scared for her."

"You can't stop her being sad," Jess says after a pause. "But you need to get her through being a kid first."

Rory laughs, shaking her head at herself and settles back in her seat. "And I need to get past this insanity."

The rest of the drive is clear and they get to Stars Hollow earlier than expected. Lorelai and Luke are already waiting outside and Babette comes out too, waylaying them until Charlotte has another crying fit which Jess says rivals the one in the grocery store.

"She's had a long day," Rory says apologetically. "I need her to get her to bed."

"Oh, of course," Babette says apologetically. "She's an angel, both of you, angels! Get some beauty rest!"

Charlotte finally falls asleep after screams to rouse the rest of Stars Hollow and drifts off in her cradle, Luke's shirt tucked over her. Rory straightens up, wiping her brow and Lorelai comes in.

"Whew," she remarks and Rory nods fervantly. "She's worn out."

"And so's her mom, I bet. Is it okay that we got you here early?" Lorelai asks anxiously. "I don't want you to be stressed, especially on your birthday. I told Jess it was okay if you didn't want to."

"I'm happy I'm here," Rory says. "I am, I mean it. It's always good being back. I don't want to live here again, but I love being back."

"I know," Lorelai smiles, giving her a kiss. "You want some coffee?"

"I thought you'd never ask!"

After just two cups Rory decides to head to bed. She's exhausted too and kisses Jess goodnight, whose bed is made up on the couch.

"Paul Anka broke the trundle bed," Lorelai says defensively. "He peed on it and then I jumped on it to chase him off and then it broke."

"So you broke it," Rory remarks, noticing Luke and Jess trying not to laugh.

"I'd say it was a joint effort," Lorelai pouts. "Anyway, I haven't got around to replacing it so sorry Jess, you have to sleep on the couch."

"Just like old times," Jess remarks. "No problem. Goodnight, guys."

They all turn in and Rory checks on Charlotte one last time before getting into bed. She's woken once at midnight for a feed and is jolted awake again later, only by her mother rather than her daughter.

"Happy birthday, little girl!"

"Mom!" Rory moans in disbelief. "It's four in the morning!"

"Four oh three, thank you, exactly."

"Why am I awake?"

"Because it's your birthday! Because on this night, many moons ago, you made me a mommy! I was lying on the bed just like you are now!"

"You know, the story's not so great when you've experienced the live version yourself," Rory says waspishly, but she shuffles over for Lorelai to get in. "Grumpy!" her mother exclaims. "Like you're not going to do this with Charlotte on her birthday?"

"She's not going to understand when she turns one. And I'm definitely not going to be waking her up if she's sleeping!"

"Well, I get that," Lorelai says sympathetically. "How's it going?"

"Actually, I think I'm getting into a rhythm with her! She's starting to sleep through the night more."

"Honey, that's amazing!"

"Yeah," Rory says happily. "She slept almost all night on Friday. I'm hoping it wasn't a fluke."

"I'm sure it's not. You're probably fine until she starts teething."

"Oh, great."

As if on cue, Charlotte lets out a wail and Lorelai gets up, lifting her from the cradle.

"What's wrong, baby?" she asks, nuzzling her granddaughter's nose. "Did we wake you?"

"She's hungry," Rory says knowingly. "Got our need for food."

"She's a Gilmore."

Rory feeds her and gives Charlotte a kiss before laying her back down.

"This is my first birthday as a mom," she says wonderingly. "That's so strange. It seems so weird that I didn't know her before. That she wasn't here."

"She's your little girl."

"Sometimes I can't wrap my head around being her mom," Rory muses, "but it seems so crazy that she wasn't even in my mind last year."

"I was pregnant with you on my sixteenth birthday," Lorelai says. "That was really crazy. Mom and Dad threw this party for me and one of their friends, who seemed ancient at the time, came up to me and said 'sweet sixteen and never been kissed!' Oh, the irony."

"Did you correct them?" Rory chuckles and Lorelai shakes her head.

"I was too busy worrying over telling my parents and trying not to get sick from the food, and then I had a fight with Mom and Dad. Not my best birthday."

Rory squeezes her hand and smiles when her mother tries to joke, "and not just because I was given all these dresses and shoes I knew wouldn't ever fit."

Mother and daughter lie in silence for a while and Rory eventually says, "Can I ask you something weird?"

"Because our conversations are so normal?"

"Mom!"

"Sorry. Yes, go on. It's your birthday, be as weird as you want."

"I was remembering some stuff with Jess on the drive before," Rory tells her. "And I started worrying about Charlotte, when she's older. Like if someone breaks her heart someday. And she's only a baby!"

"Oh, honey," Lorelai says, laughing a little. "Welcome to being a mom!"

"But she's not even talking," Rory says, laughing herself. "I shouldn't be worrying like that."

"Rory, I've worried about you since you were born. And I still get nightmares about leaving you in the bucket."

Rory smiles but she admits quietly, "I don't want some guy to break Charlotte's heart."

"Rory."

"Or girl," Rory adds. "Or...whoever. If she has a relationship, I don't want anyone to break her heart."

"Good luck with that."

"Mom!"

Lorelai turns on the bedside lamp, leaning up on an elbow.

"Listen, Rory. You can't protect Charlotte from life. She might be a few months old but it's worth hearing now, though believe me, I'm going to remind you of it. The only way you can keep Charlotte from getting hurt is to lock her up and throw away the key, and we've both seen Tangled. Hell, my parents did a close version. We know how it worked out."

"I don't want to smother her. I just don't want to her be sad like that. It hurts so much."

"I know, sweets," Lorelai says gently. "But she's her own person. She's going to grow up and she's going to experience things. You want her to, right? You can be there for her and give her advice but she's going to get hurt and she's going to make mistakes. That's the deal with living."

"I know," Rory says quietly. "I just love her so much."

"That's what you do. You love her as much as you can. And she'll be okay."

"You think?" Rory asks and Lorelai nods firmly. "I know. In the meantime, get her through the baby and toddler years without selfcombusting. Now how about we both get some sleep?"

"Sounds good," Rory says, snuggling down. "Is this why you broke the trundle bed? So we could do this?"

"Happy coincidence," Lorelai says, putting her arm around her. "Now if I were my mother..."

"I know what you'd have done. Filled up the room so I couldn't have sex."

"I'm too tired to know what you're referring to, and honestly, I don't want to," Lorelai says and Rory laughs. "Happy Birthday, kid. I love you."

"Thanks Mom. I love you too."

Rory's birthday starts with a cacaophony of Charlotte crying and Paul Anka barking. Rory takes care of Charlotte while Lorelai takes care of the dog, and by the time they're done Luke has made a fancy breakfast complete with coffee cake and pink balloons.

"Too much?" he asks sheepishly and Rory laughs, hugging him. "No, I love it!"

Her mother places a birthday tiara on Rory's head and wraps a pink boa around her neck, the feathers falling into the cup of coffee. Charlotte crows with excitement as Rory opens her gifts, reaching for the silk nightgown she gets from Lorelai, indignant as Jess stops her grabbing it.

"I thought it might be pleasant to sleep in something other than stained t-shirts and sweatpants," Lorelai says. "Ask me how I know."

Rory laughs, thanking her and brushes the material over Charlotte's hand. Her daughter's eyes widen in surprise, making them laugh again, and Jess distracts her with some of the discarded wrapping paper. As Charlotte scrunches it in her hand Rory opens a set of journals by Virginia Woolf from Jess.

"I saw it was missing from your collection," he says. "Looks like it's worth a read."

"It's great!" Rory puts her arm around him, giving him a kiss and then notices something golden in the front cover. "What's this?"

"It's kind of from me and Luke," Jess says and, intrigued, Rory lifts up a locket. It's old and heavy and inside is a picture of Charlotte and a lock of her hair.

"I don't know what to say," Rory says. She stares and stares it, feeling oddly like crying, and Jess says, "I wanted to get you one, and then Luke told me he had that."

"My mom had it," Luke says, smiling at Rory. "She used to have a picture of me and Liz in it it, but it fell out. It was just sitting there, so - I hope it's okay."

"It's so beautiful."

"I got this one for Charlotte," Jess says, revealing a smaller version. "It's new. She's too young for it right now but we can give it to her when she's older."

Rory opens it to see a picture of her and Lorelai and feels a tear run down her cheek.

"Oh jeez, these hormones," she says, trying to laugh. "It's perfect. You both - it's so perfect. I can't believe it."

"You should thank your mom, too," Jess says. "She helped me pick the locket for Charlotte, and gave me the pictures."

"She can see where she comes from," Lorelai says, eyes bright. "Her mom and grandmother."

"She's got a lot to live up to," Luke adds and Rory laughs, wiping her eyes. She kisses each of them in turn and then Charlotte as well, who looks confused by the commotion. For a moment, Rory fastens the necklace around her neck and puts her own on. Lorelai demands a photo and, after Luke rants about too much use of a phone, Lorelai gives up and digs out the old camera, putting it on a timer so it can take a picture of them all. Charlotte's waving her arm a little in the final shot but Lorelai declares it makes everything seem more natural.

"Plus I can't be bothered to do it all over again," she says as Rory takes the locket off Charlotte, wincing as her daughter reaches for the chain and gets her hair. "Okay, birthday girl, go get showered and dressed!"

In the afternoon they go for a walk around Stars Hollow, stopping every two minutes to talk to townspeople and eating a birthday lunch especially cooked by Sookie at the Dragonfly,who came back for the day. Charlotte takes a nap while they eat and when Rory picks her she says, "Well, kid, you've had your first sleep in an inn. That was my whole childhood!" Charlotte stares at her blankly and Rory laughs, kissing her cheek and taking her downstairs. They buy princess Charlotte sundaes from Taylor and slowly head home, to where Lorelai has arranged a party. Lane comes over with Zach and the boys along with Miss Patty, Kirk and a grumpy Michel. For the next two hours Rory is focused on opening gifts and mingling, taking a break to feed Charlotte and change a diaper and doesn't even hear the knock at the door.

"Who the hell knocks a door at the party!" Lorelai shouts and everyone falls quiet as the door opens and Emily comes in, reminding her, "You should know, Lorelai, your mother always knocks."

"Yeah, you and the postman always ring twice," Lorelai mumbles. "Come in, Mom."

"Grandma!" Rory cries, going over to her. "What are you doing here?!"

"My granddaughter's birthday is always cause for celebration. And I can see my great-granddaughter too. Hello, Charlotte."

Charlotte stares at Emily solemnly and Rory shakes her head. "But it's so far!"

"I can handle it. Unless you don't want me to be here."

"Of course I want you to be here. Let me get you a drink."

"Your mother can get it," Emily says, sending a glance to Lorelai. "Oh, hello Jess."

"Mrs Gilmore."

"Are you staying here too?

"Don't worry Grandma, he spent the night on the couch," Rory says and Emily rolls her eyes.

"Seeing as you live together you needn't reassure me, but thank you, dear."

Jess laughs as Rory blushes and Emily accepts a glass of wine. "How is the birthday going?"

"Very well. Look what Luke and Jess got me and Charlotte."

Rory opens the locket and then gets Charlotte's from the bag she'd slipped it into. Emily's face softens and she says, "How thoughtful."

"Mom helped with it too."

"She did a lovely job," Emily says, looking up. "With all of it."

"Thank you, Mom," Lorelai says softly. She goes and sits by Emily but laughs as her mother lifts the glass and remarks, "This says Holiday Inn on it. And you really need more ice!"

"Of course, Mom."

They're interrupted by Paris coming in and Lorelai looks at Rory.

"I think the extra ice has arrived, don't you?"

"Paris!" Rory exclaims, getting up. "I didn't know you were coming!"

"Of course I'm here. Happy Birthday. I see the kid hasn't thrown up on you yet, which is always a plus. Here."

Paris thrusts something rectangular into Rory's arms and Rory laughs as she catches it.

"Thanks. Come sit, I'll get you a drink. Paris, this is - well, everyone."

"I know who they are," Paris says in a bored voice. "Hey Lane. Is your husband still symmetrical?"

"Sure," Lane says, glancing at Rory. "Are the twins still outside?"

"Um, I think so," Rory says. "They're playing soccer with Kirk."

"Great. I'm going to see if they need help."

Lane gets up as Lorelai finds a drink for Paris, who nudges Rory's knee.

"You going to open that?"

"Right," Rory says, and tears into it. She reads the box and immediately covers it with her hands.

"Top of the line," Paris says proudly. "No need for batteries. You can charge it by your bed."

"Charge what by your bed?" Emily asks and Rory says quickly, "The thing, my thing, my uh..."

"Something for your phone, I assume?"

"Something like that," Rory says, her cheeks scarlet and Emily says, "Do other gifts no longer exist?"

"Hey, it's not for -" Paris starts to say and Rory says loudly, "Grandma, would you like another drink?"

"As a matter of fact, I would," Emily says, getting up. "You stay there, I can get it."

Rory waits for her to go into the kitchen before hissing, "I can't believe you got me to open it out here!"

"What's the big deal, Mary?"

"The big deal is that I just opened a vibrator in front of my grandmother!"

"Relax, she didn't know what it was."

"Only because she thought it was a phone!"

"Something for your phone. You know, that thing's got a lot of fuctions, but I don't think you can connect it to your phone. It does about everything else."

"Thank you," Rory says, shoving it to the bottom of her purse, "But let's discuss it somewhere where my entire neighbourhood and grandmother aren't in hearing distance."

"What's that?" Lorelai asks, coming over with Paris's drink, and before Rory can reply Paris says proudly, "Her vibrator. Trust me, she's going to be very happy. I paid top dollar for it."

"Good to know," Lorelai says, handing the glass over. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to find myself one of these."

"You want me to show you where I got it?"

"No - no, I mean this fellow right here," Lorelai says hastily, tapping her glass. "I'm going to drink two, maybe three more to blot out that information. But thank you Paris."

"I'm more than happy to show you, Lorelai."

"I know, but I'm fine. Thanks. Where's that wine...?"

The rest of the party goes on until around nine. Lane leaves with her boys a little early, as it's a schoolnight, and everyone else leaves soon after. Emily agrees to stay at the Dragonfly and Luke insists on driving her over. "Wait," she says, holding up a hand. "I almost forgot. Rory, happy birthday."

She hands over an envelope to Rory who takes it in confusion, gasping as she opens it. Inside are two tickets to a spa near Hartford.

"You deserve a break," Emily says. "And don't worry, it's not the same spa I took your mother to. Lord knows you need somewhere which serves real food!"

"Grandma, thank you," Rory says, hugging her, and Emily adds, "I thought you could visit your mother this way too, as it's nearby."

"Like she needs a reason," Lorelai jokes. "Do they serve caffeine there?"

"Thank you," Rory says again, kissing her grandmother's cheek, and waving as she steps awkwardly into the truck and Luke drives them away.

"I'm going to clean up a little," Jess says. "Still kind of crazy in there."

"It's a Stars Hollow party!" Rory tells him. "You don't have to."

"No big deal. I'll be out in a sec."

Lorelai sits on the step and Rory joins her. "You've got a good one there," Lorelai smiles and Rory laughs. "I always knew. You were the one who needed convincing."

"I always wanted the best for you," Lorelai says, looking into her eyes. "I just needed more time."

"I know."

They are interrupted by a wail. Lorelai hurries in and emerges with a hungry Charlotte, howling for her mother. As Rory feeds her she tells Lorelai, "I'm working on my book again."

"You are? That's great!"

"I don't know what I'll do with it. I think for now I'm good with just writing it."

"I'm good with that too."

Charlotte finishes eating and Rory winds her, settling Charlotte into her lap.

"I'm very proud of you," Lorelai says softly. "I know it hasn't been easy."

"I couldn't have done it without you guys helping me."

"That doesn't mean you can't be proud."

Rory looks down, smiling, and Lorelai lifts Charlotte up from Rory's lap.

"This little girl has you to look up to. She's going to do great things."

"Of course she is," Rory says proudly. "Especially with you and Jess."

"You're going to be wonderful, baby," Lorelai says. She nuzzles Charlotte's nose, blowing kisses onto her stomach and stares as Charlotte lets out a thrilled giggle. "Did she just -?"

"She laughed!" Rory cries, eyes wide. "That was her first laugh! Jess! Jess, come out here!"

"What is it?" Jess calls, hurrying out, and his mouth breaks into a wide smile as Rory exclaims, "Charlotte laughed for the first time!"

"Laugh again," Lorelai orders and Charlotte just stares, making everyone else giggle.

"Come here, angel," Rory says, picking Charlotte back up. "Show your daddy!"

Rory kisses Charlotte all over, wriggling her fingers under her daughter's armpits and Charlotte lets out a loud laugh, waving her arms.

"She did that just to make you stop," Lorelai remarks but Jess picks Charlotte up too, kissing her feet and making Charlotte laugh once more.

"We should get the camera," Lorelai says and Jess says, "Wait there. I'll go find it."

He disappears back into the house and Lorelai grins at Rory.

"Good birthday?"

"Best birthday," Rory says firmly, and her mother kisses her cheek. "She just gave me the most amazing gift!" They wait, and Lorelai says, "Jess is taking a while. I should go help him look."

"No, wait a moment," Rory says, holding her hand. "Let's just sit."

"Okay," Lorelai says, looking up at the sky. "Let's just sit."

The stars shine light down on them, grandmother, mother and daughter and Rory sits back, bathing herself in the gleam.


	52. Chapter 52

**Thanks so much for the feedback. I'd like to thank everyone who read and supported this story, it meant a lot. I'm sad to be finishing, but have a new story, which is a sequel of sorts!**

Early the next morning Rory gets a phonecall from Logan. Getting out of bed, careful not to wake Charlotte, she slips out onto the front porch and answers.

"Hey."

"Hi," comes Logan's voice, clear across the miles. "I wanted to say Happy Birthday. Sorry it's late."

"Oh, that's okay."

"No, it's not," Logan argues. "I'm sorry. I was just so busy and when I remembered, it was something like two where you are. Am, I mean."

"I figured." Rory tugs down her new nightgown, where it's ridden up her chest, to fill the sudden pause. "Thanks for calling."

"Better late than never, right?" Logan says. His tone is joking, but it catches, and he asks, "How's Charlotte?"

"She's great," Rory tells him. "She laughed for the first time last night."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously. Best gift I could have asked for."

"Whose laugh does she have?"

"Huh?"

"Is it yours or mine?"

"I don't know," Rory says, surprised. "It's her own."

There's another pause, and Rory pictures Logan imagning it. "Look," she says, "We took a video of it and I'll send it to you so you can hear."

"Thanks," Logan says, somewhat gruffly. "Who's we? You and Jess?"

"And my mom. We're in Stars Hollow."

"One of her big town parties, huh?"

"Right," Rory says, relaxing. Logan sounds himself again. "She outdid herself. But she always does."

"Did you hav a good birthday?" Logan asks and Rory smiles. "Yeah. Thank you, Logan."

"I was going to send a gift," he says quickly, "but I thought maybe it would be weird."

"Oh - that's okay. You don't need to give me anything."

"I want to give you something."

"It's up to you," Rory says, not sure how to say it. "But you don't have to give me a gift. It's fine, Logan. We're not together now."

"I know," Logan says. Rory waits, but he doesn't add anything further, and finally says, "Well, I just wanted to say happy birthday. I'll call when I'm next coming over."

"Right," Rory says, feeling a little off-centre at the abrupt turn of conversation. "Sure. Thanks, Logan."

"Kiss Charlotte for me," he says and Rory nods. "You know I will."

"And eat some cake," he adds, and as Rory laughs, he hangs up. Rory stares down at the phone in her hand, as though Logan is still right there. She feels like she missed something, like when she was a teenager and at school, and everyone was in a kind of dance she was missing the steps to. As she looks back up, Babette catches her eye across the grass, a cat in one hand and a cup of something in the other.

"Morning Babette!" Rory calls, lifting her hand to wave, and Babette calls back, "Morning sugar! Jeez, having a kid really gave you some knockers, huh?!"

On that note, Rory waves, reddens, and turns back inside for a cup of coffee, hopefully before said kid wakes and demands a feeding.

Lorelai is up when Rory goes in, making her jump.

"Jeez!" Rory exclaims and Lorelai laughs. "Sorry, did I startle you in my own house?"

"I thought everyone was still in bed," Rory says, wiping some sleep from her eyes, and Lorelai says, "Well, your wonderful stepfather woke me up with snoring and that was that. Decided to answer the siren call of coffee."

"She's an immense temptress," Rory says and Lorelai nods. "I'll say. You okay?"

"Huh?"

"You look weird. How come you were outside, anyhow?"

"Logan called," Rory tells her and her mother stares. "Wishing me a happy birthday - a late happy birthday."

"Well, that's nice," Lorelai says dubiously. "Right?"

"I guess. He was talking about getting me a gift but I said he doesn't have to."

"Is he going to?"

"I don't know. He sounded kind of weird about it. I told him we're not in a relationship now."

"No, but he's still the father of your kid. And I think he still cares for you."

"I know," Rory says, "but I don't want him thinking he has to get me stuff. I don't know - it just seems kind of weird now."

"Don't worry about it," Lorelai says, pouring a steaming stream of coffee. "Maybe he just means it in a friendly way."

"Maybe." Rory picks up the cup, closes her eyes and inhales the heady steam. She's just taken a long, wonderfully hot sip when a wail sounds out from the bedroom. Rory gulps it down and groans.

"Back to reality."

"You can use this against her when she's older," Lorelai says, once Rory is back in the kitchen with Charlotte feeding in her arms. "Tell her how many cups of coffee she made you miss. Or even better, get her to make it. Once she's old enough to make a pot."

"How old is that?"

"Depends on how desperate you feel," Lorelai quips and they laugh. "Enjoy this time now, kid. You'll be making coffee for us in no time."

Rory looks down at her daughter. Her downy eyelashes brush against her breast and suddenly Rory is filled with such a strong surge of love she almost starts crying.

"I can't wait her to get older," she says to Lorelai, "but I also want to keep her like this forever. I want her to always be my baby. How can I want both so much?"

"Angel," Lorelai says gently, "it's one of the many contradictions of being a mother."

"How many are there?" Rory asks, burping Charlotte and wiping her mouth and Lorelai shakes her head.

"Too many to count. Look at you, sweets. You're my big, grown up daughter with a daughter of your own, and you're still my baby. I still worry about you. And you've been so smart, before you could read, and I love that in you so much, but I still always wanted to protect you too."

"I don't know how smart I am," Rory says with a wry laugh, and Lorelai squeezes her hand.

"You make mistakes but you're smart. You're human. And I know that, but I still have that stubborn part of my mind that wants to look after you forever. And you're still more special to me than anyone. You'll have that with Charlotte too."

"It won't change as she grows up, will it?" Rory asks knowingly and Lorelai laughs.

"It will get harder, but you'll never want to change it. You'll love seeing the cool person she becomes."

"Thanks, Mom," Rory says, leaning over to hug her. "Any fraction my coolness is you."

"Half me, half all you, babe. And the same with this little girl."

Rory and Jess leave around lunchtime. They're already running late, as Luke and Lorelai keep delaying them with extra helpings of pancakes and cups of coffee, and then Charlotte cuts in with a serious diaper explosion. Once that's been taken care of, and Paul Anka has finally emerged after cowering from the smell, they give another round of hugs and goodbyes. Emily has come over as well, making them promise to visit soon.

"I don't want her toddling before then," she says severely. "I already missed her first laugh."

"I promise, Grandma," Rory says, hugging her tightly. "Drive safe, okay?"

Emily snorts at that. "I should be saying that to you, you're my granddaughter. And I probably should have given you that advice last year, hm?"

Rory blushes but Emily smiles, touching her arm. "You're doing wonderfully now," she says sincerely. "Look after yourself and that child. I want updates. And remember to use those spa tickets."

"I will," Rory says, kissing her cheek. "Love you, Grandma."

"Yes, well," Emily says, sounding a litle startled. "You know how much you mean to me."

Rory smiles and Emily utters under her breath, "Though perhaps, if I mean so much, I wouldn't be made to ride in that dreadful rustic truck!"

"Grandma!"

"Oh, relax," she says, sounding comfortably sour again. "It will be an adventure. I'm sure your grandfather would say that."

"Grandpa would hire you a car," Rory says and Emily laughs, nodding. "Yes, he would," she says, a little sadly. "But this will do. Goodbye, Rory. Goodbye, Charlotte."

"Goodbye," Rory says, as Emily kisses Charlotte and then her cheek. "See you seeon Grandma, we promise!"

"I'm going to hold you to that!" Emily says sternly as she climbs into the truck. "And you, Lorelai!"

"See what I mean about motherhood?" Lorelai sighs. "My mother is over seventy and still scares the crap out of me. And I'm still scared she'll threaten to wash my mouth out for saying _crap_!"

"Grandma scares everyone," Rory says but Lorelai laughs darkly. "Oh, it's real. But she's right. Drive safe, guys."

"We will. Love you, Mom."

Lorelai waits for Jess to go the car and then puts her hands on Rory's shoulders, looking into her eyes.

"Listen," she says. Her voice is serious and strong and Rory nods. "I want to give you a roadmap for this, but there isn't one. You've always thought so much. Ever since you were little, ever since you were a baby, even, you've had that thoughtful frown. And I love that in you. But do you remember when we went to Harvard, all those years ago? And you got mad because we didn't know where we were going?"

"I got mad because you crumpled up my map," Rory says and Lorelai smiles, but says, "The map wasn't the important thing. The important thing is that we were going. And as metaphors go, this is kind of a messy one, but I don't want you to get so stuck on the map you miss out on the way. Does that make sense? There isn't one right way to do this - having a kid. And you're going to screw up sometimes. And I wish I could see it for you, because I've done this and made mistakes too. I didn't know where I should step in and where I should butt out. Sometimes I got it wrong and sometimes I got it right, and maybe some of the time there wasn't a right option. And sometimes you wouldn't think things through and I was so frustrated, because you always did, and then you weren't, but they were your mistakes. So what I'm trying to say is, this is your journey. Yours and Charlotte's and Jess's. And you can't think you're the worst mother or the best mother, or that anything you do you will save her from screwing up. Because she's becoming her own little, beautifully messy person."

Rory nods, throat tight, and Lorelai continues, "And I don't want you to give up on your own stuff too. It's hard - I know how hard it is. Right now she's a baby and she's your world. But you have your own world too, and you have to remeber that, when you can. You've got your writing and your book and so much left to do. You can do it, angel, I know you can. I need you to know it. And if you can't do it right now, don't decide it's done forever. Because I know it's not."

"I know too," Rory says quietly and Lorelai kisses the top of her head.

"I love you so much, angel. You're my incredible girl. Go do it."

"I promise," Rory says, smiling and reaching Lorelai's watery eyes. "I love you, Mom."

"Go do it," Lorelai says firmly, squeezing her hands. "Hit the road."

"Are you telling me to get out of here?" Rory teases and Lorelai laughs, her hair catching the sun. "That's absolutely right."

For a while Rory and Jess drive in silence. Jess looks over now and then, seeming to tell it had been a private conversation, and finally Rory says, "Logan called me this morning."

"Huh," Jess says. "Because of your birthday?"

"Yeah," Rory says, looking over at him. "He wants to get me a gift."

"Of course he does," Jess says, his tone even. "Something crazy expensive, I bet."

He doesn't sound annoyed but Rory bites her lip. "I told him he doesn't have to. Mom thinks he will. Because he's Charlotte's dad. I mean -"

"I know what you mean," Jess says. Rory feels uncomfortable, wondering if she shouldn't have said anything, but he looks over and says, "Logan's going to be Logan. And Lorelai's right - he's Charlotte's father."

"But not her real dad," Rory says and finally Jess smiles and nods.

"Right."

"He wants to see that video of her laughing."

"It's good he cares," Jess says. He's more quiet, but doesn't sound upset. Rory reaches over, touching his knee, and he takes her hand and kisses it. They fall into silence again, a comfortable kind, and Rory stares out of the window. She imagines it, the invisible strands between people, the instrinsic webs that link us all. The dizzying pattern of life. No one can quite map it perfectly, and Rory closes her eyes.

A week later, a package arrives in the mail. It's a music box with a ballerina on it, and when Rory opens it there's a note and a necklace inside. She lifts out the necklace first, which has diamonds on and gleams colours in the light. She reads the note as the soft music plays as the ballerina spins.

 _Rory,_

 _I know you said not to get you anything but I couldn't let your birthday pass. It still feels too soon. You're the mom of my kid, and there's a lot of other feelings there. I'm married now and I know you love Jess, so this isn't that kind of letter, and we've all moved on. But I love what we had and that Charlotte came from that. This necklace is made of diamonds that supposedly gleam when the moon changes. I don't know how true that is, but it was pretty expensive, so it'd better live up to its name. It's kind of like a new phase for us. You can give it to Charlotte if you want. All girls love diamonds, right? The music box is for her, obviously. I thought it was pretty. Anyway. I just wanted you to have something on your birthday._

 _Love,_

 _Logan_

Rory reads through the note a few times, her mind swimming. It's so Logan - so extravagent but thought out too. Although she has to laugh at 'all girls liking diamonds'. Rory doubts Charlotte's going to care about what a diamond is before she's at least thirteen. The necklace is beautiful though and she holds it up. It twinkles in the sunshine through the window.

Her thoughts are interrupted by Jess coming in, Charlotte in his arms, and he raises his eyebrows. "Come into some cash?"

"It's from Logan," Rory tells him and he nods. "Should've figured."

"He wrote this," Rory says, handing over the note. Part of her wonders if it's too private, but it doesn't feel too much to share. Jess reads it, looking pensive, and gives it back.

"It's nice," he says and then laughs at himself. "Stupid adjective. I mean -"

"I know," Rory says, smiling, and Jess says, "Are you going to wear it?"

His voice is simply curious but Rory shakes her head and he says, "Really? I mean, I guess you don't want to wear it when we take Charlotte to the park, but it's a diamond necklace."

"I want it for Charlotte," Rory says. She folds the diamonds into her hand, along with the note, and closes it back inside the music box. "When she's older, we can look at it together, and she can wear it if she wants to."

"You mean she can wear it to the park?" Jess teases but he smiles, kissing Rory's cheek. "I like that."

Charlotte lets out a loud burble herself, lunging at the box, and Rory laughs. She opens it back up, thinking Charlotte wants to see the gemstones, but as the music plays Charlotte giggles, relaxing.

"You like the music," Rory says, laughing. "It's all yours, little girl."

A couple of hours later Charlotte is down for her nap and Jess is back at work. Rory is working on her laptop. She's adjusting some of her book, trying to refigure some sentences, but her mind is feeling a little stale. Idly, Rory opens up the internet, and remembers that new paper that was mentioned at Truncheon the other day. It was some arts thing, finding its feet, and Rory types in the name. The paper comes up and she opens their website, scrolling through. It sounds interesting. They write about local businesses and artists, and previous artists of earlier generations in the area. Without thinking, Rory opens the vacancies tab and her heart starts beating. There's an ad for freelance work. Flexible work. A few hours each day, and the pay isn't exactly great, but it's not horrible. Excitement flashes through Rory's mind. She could do this. She can try. They say to contact for more information, and Rory's fingers fly into an email. She explains that she's a mother with a small baby, but can work from home, and come in if they'd allow her to bring her daughter. Rory hesitates at the last part, knowing it may be a no, but a reply pings into her inbox. Most of the work is expected to be done from home, they say, and if she has to bring her daughter in it's not too inconvenient for them. They're a small company and invite Rory to come in to talk. She goes that very afternoon, before her courage can fail her. Rory throws together her portfolio, bathes herself, bathes Charlotte and weathers her tantrum, and sets off down the block. She wears a dress with small flowers on, bought before Charlotte, and miraculously, it zips. Rory takes a deep breath, knocking on the door.

"Come in," calls a young man's voice and Rory goes inside, blinking from the light. It's more of a room than an office, somewhere between the Stars Hollow Gazette and the Yale Daily News.

"Hi," says the man, sticking his hand out. "I'm Bill."

"Rory," Rory says, taking it. "Rory Gilmore."

"I assumed."

Rory blushes but Bill smiles and gestures for her to take a seat.

"Sorry it looks kind of crazy in here," he says. "We're very new, as you can see."

"Oh, no," Rory says weakly. "Not at all."

He chuckles and then says, "So you're interested in our freelance position?"

"Oh - yes. I brought some of my earlier work here."

Rory fumbles getting the portfolio out of the bag attached to the stroller and adds, "I'm sorry I brought my daughter, but no one could watch her."

Bill nods and then Rory sits up straighter, deciding to be forthright.

"My partner works," she says. "My family are elsewhere, so if you do need me here, I think I should tell you now that I'll probably have to bring my baby with me. I can work and look after her, but I'll understand if it's an issue."

"It's not an issue," comes another voice, and Rory looks up to see a woman a little older than she is. "This is not a popular vacancy, as the hours are small and the pay reflects that. The work is mainly to be done at home, as we mentioned, and if you did need to come in, we won't mind your daughter coming. All we ask is that you can write well for us."

"I brought all this," Rory says, opening the pages up. "I haven't been writing this year, after having my daughter, but here's my pervious work."

Bill and the woman read over in silence, while Rory tries not to shift, staring at the flowers on her dress, and finally they look up.

"We think the style is good," Bill says. "Can you tell us about why you'd like to write for us?"

Rory sucks in a breath, slowly letting it out.

"I think art is a way to see ourselves," she says. "We read about facts in the news, learning about the world around us, but art is another world. It's our identities. It's a kind of key to each other. When I was a girl, growing up in a small town, I read to travel the world and try on new ways of being, and when I was older and felt confused, art was like a compass back. I'm writing now, when I can, and it's a clarity. I think we learn about ourselves and each other through the work of artists, and the world is better for it. So if you'll give me a chance, I'd be honoured to write for you."

Bill and the woman smile, and the woman asks, "What is it you're writing? I thought you said you weren't writing this year."

"Oh - I'm writing about myself," Rory says, feeling a little embarrassed. "My life, and my mother's life. But it's nothing big."

"It sounds interesting to me," the woman says, smiling. "My name is Laura, by the way."

"Hi," Rory says, and Laura and Bill laugh a little.

"Well, Rory," Laura says. "We're going to send you a piece to write. If we like it, I think we can say you can start."

"Really?" Rory squeaks, and then says more evenly, "You'd consider me?"

"Absolutely."

"I - thank you!" Rory says, leaning over. "Thank you so much!"

"We'll see you soon," Bill says, and Rory shakes his and Laura's hand. When she's outside, around the corner, Rory lets out a great whoop. The passers by stare, but Rory doesn't care. Lifting Charlotte out of her stroller, she does a little dance in the street.

"Mommy has a job!" she cries to her. "Maybe!"

Charlotte giggles, waves her hand, and Rory kisses her jubliantly.

The assignment is waiting when Rory gets back. She's asked to write about the necessity of art in community. After feeding Charlotte and putting her down, going back a few times to check she's settled, Rory gets started. After a few false starts and a few cups of coffee, Rory throws herself in. She writes and writes, refusing to get stuck in her head, until she's as done as she feels. Rory rereads, editing here and there, and then, holding her breath, she attaches it and sends. She sits in silence for a moment, staring, and then leaps in her chair as her phone buzzes. It's Jess, asking what she wants for dinner. Rory texts back a need for pizza, starts to write about the job, and then stops. She wants to tell him in person. She simply says _I have big news for when you get home._

 _Big news?_ Jess texts back _. You've got me hooked._

 _It'll be worth the wait..._

No sooner has she sent it, Lorelai calls. Rory answers and before Lorelai can say anything, Rory says, "I think I have a job.

" _What?!_ How? When?"

"Just today!" Rory exclaims. "There's a new art paper in town with some hours going and I went down there and I think they liked me and I just sent them a piece."

"Rory, no way!" Lorelai cries. "I'm so proud of you!"

"Mom, don't jinx it!"

"But I'm proud of you either way," Lorelai hiccups. "You took a shot!"

"I feel good," Rory admits. "Whatever happens."

"That's amazing, babe."

"It's crummy hours but it's work. And the kind of thing I love to write about."

"Exactly. Oh Rory, I'm so happy for you!"

"Don't jinx me," Rory says again, laughing, and then she hears the key in the door. "Mom, I have to go. Jess is back."

"Oh, okay. But you can have to call me later!"

"I will, I promise!"

"And give Charlotte a kiss and tell her she has a smart mommy!"

"I do anyway," Rory laughs, and hangs up. Jess has come in, looking quizzical, and Rory throws her arms around him.

"I have a job! I think!"

"What?" Jess exclaims, looking Rory in the eyes. "Tell me everything."

"There's a new arts paper," Rory says again. "They talked about them at Truncheon, remember? Well, I checked them out, and they have some hours going for work at home, so I contacted them, and they invited me down there. They said they liked my style and asked me to send them a piece and if they like it, the job's mine."

"No way," Jess says, beaming, and Rory adds, "It might not be mine."

"I know it, Gilmore."

Just then, Rory's phone buzzes. It's the paper.

"Rory? It's Bill. We read your piece, and we loved it. Come down tomorrow and we'll get you set up."

"Thank you," Rory whispers, her throat suddenly tight. "Thank you so much!"

She puts the phone down, looks at Jess and nods. He grabs her arms, swinging her around in celebration, and Rory starts laughing and crying all at once.

"I did it!" she says and Jess kisses her tears away, cupping her chin in his.

"You did it," he says seriously. "I knew you could. You're a writer."

Charlotte wakes up, starting to cry from her room, and Rory runs into get her. She lifts her out the crib, twirls her around the room, shocking her out of tears.

"I'm a writer, Charlotte!" Rory tells her. "Mommy did it!"

"You always were," Jess says, grinning. "Even if they hadn't seen it - you always were."

Rory laughs, kissing him, and laughs again as Charlotte tugs her hair. Rory passes her over to Jess, going to close her computer. There's the email comfirming from the job and as Rory closes the window, her eyes land on her novel.

 _In some way, I was always finding my middle ground. Torn between the world of my mother and the world of my grandparents, I felt out of place in both. They seemed different to me in ways I couldn't explain, and so I walked on, seeking a balance and path._

Rory smiles, reading once more before closing it down and turning back to her family. She's finding her balance. Walking her own, unique path. Rory owns each step.


End file.
